Silly, low budget movie about....well, the title suggests an assaulting Sasquatch.
It doesn't take long for us to figure out exactly what kind of movie we're in for, as a trio of bear hunters come upon the titular character while trying to illegally hunt bears. We've got the fat hunter. The dorky, fidgety hunter. And the old, crusty leader with white hair, bad teeth and an eye patch. In other words, we know exactly what the filmmakers think passes for comedy. Upon sedating and locking up the Sasquatch in a truck, the crusty old dude places a call to a buyer, who of course is wearing a full safari getup on a private jet.
Oh yeah, the lead is a brooding former cop who now works for the park service. We know he's brooding because he's always looking away and sounding glib about everything.
Ok, this thing is such a fantastic mess that vacillates between 3rd grade characters, and SEVERELY heavy handed plot points and melodrama. On one hand we have 2 geeks, one of whom is a high pitched obese kid, chasing the Sasquatch around the city after they spy it on a FIRE ESCAPE, watching a woman shower.
So the brooding cop and his female partner find the crusty old hunter in the woods and decide to haul him to the local precinct. At no time do they notice blood all over his cargo truck or bother to look inside of it, but ok.
So the fun starts when they get to the police station. Here the movie turns into As The World Turns. The cops daughter shows up to pick him up, at the same time a man is brought in on a speeding charge. Turns out the perp is the guy who killed the cops wife some 10 years ago. The plot is just so overly ridiculous. We're treated to dialogue that people who write Lifetime movies would laugh at. Oh yeah, the Sasquatch escaped the truck parked outside the police station, but that's neither here nor there because the film doesn't appear to care much about the Sasquatch at all.
I should also note that the Sasquatch looks like Predator, crossed with an original Planet Of The Apes outfit. I mean to say it looks ridiculous is pretty much the understatement of the century. The sasquatch also appears to be able to teleport all over the city, as from one scene to the next he's in places the film has established are a good distance away from each other.
Ok look, there have been, and there will be spoilers all over this review cause I just can't help myself.
So the former cops daughter is at the cop station with him right? And her boyfriend is at school, which earlier in the film has been established as at least driving distance away. So in onc scene everyone in the police station finally notices the truck outside is open and they go out to check it out. Despite having escaped from said truck a good 20 minutes ago and prancing around the city, the sasquatch is now back at the truck at this exact moment. So everyone runs back inside and locks the doors to the police station. Now, the very next scene shows the daughters boyfriend, back at school, finding her purse and deciding to bring it to her. So as he starts walking, who should be right behind him? If you said The Sasquatch you win a D- in 2nd grade storytelling.
Here's the other thing. It's sort of funny how the sasquatch attacks the boyfriend, but at the same time it's trying to get silly laughs using sight gags. It's cutting between that, and the girlfriend watching her boyfriend get attacked and reacting like she's in some sort of Shakespearean tragedy, complete with slow motion shots of her crying and mourning. It's just a jumbled fucking mess of epic proportions.
Ok, so everyone in the station is standing in a doorway together, like 5 people. The daughter gets snatched by something. Who runs after her? The secretary. The dad? He stands there with the other 2 cops and watches. HIS DAUGHTER GETS GRABBED AND DRAGGED AWAY AND HE WATCHES AS THE SECRETARY RUNS AFTER HER. This father that the movie spent the first 20 minutes establishing is way too overprotective of his daughter, suddenly appears to care not. Even while the other two cops are stationary but frantic, he's sort of just standing there. This is just a study in awful movie making.
Ok, so the sasquatch takes the daughter what would appear to be about 10 feet outside the station before he starts sniffing her. While the 3 cops are still inside the building doing I'm not sure what, the secretary cuts her skirt and brandishes a knife to make herself look like Lara Croft. We're then treated to a fight scene between a sasquatch and a 100lb woman. I really can't even begin to describe how insanely ridiculous this is. The woman karate kicks sasquatch and we're treated to a shot of the daughter looking on and smiling.
I mean.........This is one of those movies where you have to think it's trying to parody something just so you'll stay sane watching it.
Ya know what this movie is? This is the theatrical equivalent of watching the girl you truly love with all your heart willingly gang bang every guy you hate, while they mock you. These idiots have been lucky enough to get the money to make a decently budgeted movie and this is what they're doing with it. And nobody with the power to stop them (your love) even thinks to ask them WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT? They're just letting the cock go up their ass and the cum splatter across their face.
Ok, so remember the speeding ticket guy who killed the main characters wife some 10 years ago? Well he escaped from his cell about half an hour ago. He shows up looking like he's been running all over for the last 30 minutes. Where does he show up? Right outside the police station. Maybe there was a treadmill in the basement or something. This fucking thing. So instead of continuing to run, the perp just sort of walks around outside the police station like he's on patrol or something.
So they let the old hunter out of his jail cell so he'll help them with the sasquatch, and he breaks into a soliloquy about the mythos of bigfoot and talking about how it hunts, and it's skills, and what not. This would be fine if we hadn't just seen the fucking thing at a pizza shop.
Ok, about 55 minutes in I believe the sasquatch has now become a defender of justice because he's wandering around and getting angry at pimps for slapping their ho's. In a scene straight out of The Incredible Hulk TV series, he lays down some sasquatch justice. NOW THIS IS A FUCKING SCENE. Easily the best thing in the movie right here.
The crusty old hunter says that "for some reason we must have pissed that thing off", lemme see, you trapped it in a bear trap, shot it up with about 5 tranquilizer darts and then shot it with actual bullets. Yeah, there may be some reason it's mad at you.
Ok, there's a scene with two very awesome kills, but it degenerates into more overwrought story and acting.
So they finally decide it might be a good time to escape. They decide the way to do this is through a sewer that will "lead them into the city", even though we've seen like 100 satellite characters all within about 10 seconds of the police station. It's the most crowded middle of nowhere ever.
God dammit this thing is giving me a headache. Characters motivations change from one scene to the next, even the fucking bigfoot. People get lost 10 feet apart from each other, never move, and then find each other 5 minutes later.
The hunter and the sasquatch are having their big fight in an abandoned warehouse when luckily enough for the hunter, he finds a nail gun and...........NAILS THE SASQUATCH IN PLACE BY SHOOTING 2 NAILS INTO IT'S FOOT. This is making my head hurt.
So I'm gonna go ahead and give this 25 stars for the few moments of comedy that work, and the gore moments are pretty fucking solid. Everything else though is a hodgepodge of shit you didn't find funny in 3rd grade, mixed with ridiculous "Drama" that amped up 1000% would still struggle to be on the level of a Tom Wopat Hallmark Channel movie.
On the bright side, at least this movie was truly atrocious and made me feel something. Even if it was anger, sadness and befuddlement.
Assault Of The Sasquatch is more like an assault on the senses.
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