I gotta say, for all the shit I've watched over the years, this may be the single most absurd and poorly designed movie I've encountered.
What does this movie give us?
A class of what appears to be 10 students, who are treated to a graduation trip to Manhattan from Central New Jersey, VIA BOAT.
A lead heroin who wants to be a horror writer, but is afraid of water but doesn't know why, or won't tell us why, or won't tell anyone why.
There are only two teachers on the trip, one of which is the troubled girls Uncle, who is as about as wooden as someone who's always angry can be. It's a mesmerizing thing to watch for sure.
The other teacher is some sort of mentor to our heroin, she even gave her a pen that Stephen King wrote with, as a graduation present.
The ships captain is something right out of Moby Dick. Of course his son is one of the students and the kid is just not the sailor that dad is, which disappoints them both. What kind of fucking drugs were passed around the writing room on this son of a bitch?
A ship that appears to be half freighter, half luxury cruise liner, depending on what the scene calls for.
A rocker girl who walks around with her electric guitar that is never plugged into anything but still emits a sound like some sort of Motley Crue cover band.
A dweeb film student who's always walking around with a camera.
A bunch of faceless jocks who spend the first night on a graduation cruise in a gym about 4 feet wide "boxing".
And best of all, a deckhand who seems to know Jason somehow made it down river and is on the boat, but only pops up at random times to tell everyone they're doomed.
I am dead serious when I say that everyone involved with the script for this abortion should be fucking killed. People this stupid should not be allowed to live.
Ok, so the girl, I don't know her name and I don't care, she keeps seeing visions of a boy drowning and begging her for help. I hope this is not going where I think I remember it going.
The best character in the movie is Uncle Charles. Wearing a smoking jacket and running around as people are being killed, but constantly yelling at everyone and doing his best dinner theater level acting. He even has a wonderous scene with the films resident snobby rich girl where he commands her to go to her room and get her Biology project. Yes, he's asking for homework on a graduation cruise somewhere off the Jersey shore. This film is just going out of it's way to make less and less sense.
Anyway, the captains son, who I also can't be assed to learn the name of, he and the troubled girl of course have some sort of chemistry and he's trying to help her stay alive while Uncle Charles is yelling at him to stay away from his niece.
The scenes are such a hodgepodge of underwhelming kills, hysterical declarations, and running from place to place.
At one point, about 50 minutes into the movie the lady teacher brings a gaggle of extras into a room and tells them to stay there. I guess this was to show that the class has 12 instead of 8 students.
There's a shot of the boat in the middle of an ocean and I'm wondering WHERE THE FUCK THIS BOAT IS!!?
Once it's clear they need to abandon ship, we're treated to a high budget shot of the remaining cast climbing into a rowboat in front of what is clearly just a fucking wall. They somehow climbed down a rope ladder in the middle of a storm with a fucking dog who isn't shown at all until they're all in the boat. He just appears out of nowhere.
So after this harrowing ordeal they row to NYC and Uncle Charles complains about where they docked the rowboat. Listen, at this point it's like he's not even a character in the fucking movie. He's just this fucking thing the writers conjured up to spout one liners. He serves no purpose at all, has zero basis in reality and ARGGHGHGHG. I mean it's fucking insulting is what it is. This whole fucking thing is insulting.
Of course they don't make it 10 feet in the city before being robbed at gunpoint. The lead girl is then dragged away from the group to be raped while they stand around looking.......frightened? I can't quite tell. They have these looks on their faces like that Ben Stiller character, the one who makes all the faces, I dunno. Anyway, this movie is becoming the equivalent of what the baby in A Serbian Film must of felt like when it was being raped.
So when his niece gets dragged away to be raped, what does Uncle Charles do? Well he holds back the black kid from trying to save her, tells him they need to find the police and that the best way to do that is to split up. To split up. To split up.
Everyone runs off in a different direction as I become more and more convinced that this movie was written by monkeys. Not even normal monkeys, like retarded monkeys.
Jason chases the black kid to the top of a building where the kid (foreshadowed brilliantly in the earlier scene where they all decided to box for no real reason) elects to go mano a mano with Jason. This scene last a good 45 minutes as the kid just hits Jason over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. I'll let you guess who wins the fight.
The girl meanwhile get away from the thugs but keeps having visions of the drowning boy, but each time she seems him he's more and more mutilated. Finally she has the grand reveal flashback where she remembers that as a little kid, Uncle Charles took her out on Crystal Lake and threw her in the water to force her to swim. Only when she was in the water Jason grabbed her and tried to pull her under. Only problem is it wasn't adult Jason but little kid Jason, totally fucking with the timeline of the series and making about as much sense as sticking your dick in a blender.
So Guy, I'm just gonna call him Guy from now on. He finds Girl sitting in an EZ Chair in an alley, just contemplating life and shit, chilling out. Jason chases them down into the subway and onto the train and up into Times Square. Then it's through a restaurant and down into the sewer where a worker informs them that in 10 minutes the sewers get flooded with toxic waste. The very idea of sitting through 10 more minutes of this made me upchuck some toxic waste of my own.
The end? Well yes, the sewer does in fact get flooded with toxic waste as the two kids hang on to a ladder for dear life. But poor Jason drowns in the muck. And when it clears what is left you ask? A little boy. A perfectly normal little boy who appears to be breathing. I can only surmise that a large portion of Colombia's drug exports this year went to the people making this movie. There is not a font large enough to put the letters WTF into.
This is without a doubt one of the single most wretched movies I have ever seen. The script is horrific in it's inability to make any sense at all. The two leads are the worst in the series. And Uncle Charles? I want to rape Uncle Charles. I mean, the film isn't fun to make fun of. Nothing is funny per se, the actors are too wooden and the advancement too by the numbers. To be this god awful and still not be able to find joy in it's awfulness is just......awful.
The kills are standard issue at best. None of the killees were worth caring about it their own right, so when they're time came it just didn't matter. The gore is also average at best.
Without a doubt one of the biggest blunders in cinematic history, this fucker killed the franchise, I mean killed it dead. It would be 4 years until the next installment and if I recall correctly that one made almost no splash upon release. I think it even completely ignored this film in the timeline.
What a sad, pathetic way to end the original run of a series that provided some of the best horror movies ever. I hope everyone involved with this turd died a gruesome death.
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