Fabulous in it's ability to be ridiculous, Now You See Me lures you in with hope of a finely crafted mystery, but hits you over the head with a barrage of stupidity.
The plot makes zero sense, but that doesn't stop it from being as earnest as a cancer diagnosis. Harrelson, Freeman & Ruffalo all give it their best but it's like watching an All-Star team try and play on wet concrete.
Neither whimsical nor engaging, Now You See Me, but you'll wish you hadn't.
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Magic Mike: 25 Out Of 100 Stars
I can't for the life of me figure out the point of this movie.
Channing Tatum is a stripper, he meets a directionless kid and brings him into the world of stripping, they do some drugs, have some sex, and there ya go. The movie ends, but the conclusion is sort of just there. Nothing really feels like it's wrapped up, but it's not like you care all that much.
There's a lot of man ass, if that's your thing.
I just don't understand why the story being told needs to be told. There's some humor early, then some drama, but none of it lasts long enough or is effective enough to make it worth watching.
More Mike than magic, this rabbit should have stayed in it's hat. Olivia Munn gets her tits out though.
Channing Tatum is a stripper, he meets a directionless kid and brings him into the world of stripping, they do some drugs, have some sex, and there ya go. The movie ends, but the conclusion is sort of just there. Nothing really feels like it's wrapped up, but it's not like you care all that much.
There's a lot of man ass, if that's your thing.
I just don't understand why the story being told needs to be told. There's some humor early, then some drama, but none of it lasts long enough or is effective enough to make it worth watching.
More Mike than magic, this rabbit should have stayed in it's hat. Olivia Munn gets her tits out though.
The Hunger Games: 28 Out Of 100 Stars
Not gonna lie, I'm watching this solely because Jennifer Lawrence is hot. Unfortunately she comes across more Kristin Stewartish than Jennifer Lawrenceish.
So there's been some sort of apocalyptic war, part of the treaty or whatever, was that the losing faction would send 1 boy and 1 girl from each district (don't ask), every year, to The Hunger Games. The Hunger Games are a government run game that is essentially a fight to the death among the 24 participants. This apparently is to show honor and loyalty to the government or whatever. The people in charge have all the technology and like to dress like it's 17th Century France on acid, while everyone on the losing side is stuck in Kentucky in 1938.
So Jennifer Lawrence, playing a character named Catness. Yes. She's from the poorest district and her little sister gets drafted so she volunteers to go instead. Between there and the actual games we're treated to an interminable sequence that involves preparation, talent evaluations and a parade,. It goes on and on and on and on. Even Woody Harrelson playing a mentor can't save it. It pounds you over the head with how unfair and barbaric the whole thing is, even though, ya know, we had that figured out during the opening voice over.
Once the actual fighting starts it's not bad. It's not real good either though. There's some minor shit with an uprising and a love story and....I dunno, the movie tries to say stuff that doesn't need to be said without really saying it. It's just a hodgepodge and rather uninspired.
A little silly, a little dumb, The Hunger Games is more of a bad snack than a meal.
So there's been some sort of apocalyptic war, part of the treaty or whatever, was that the losing faction would send 1 boy and 1 girl from each district (don't ask), every year, to The Hunger Games. The Hunger Games are a government run game that is essentially a fight to the death among the 24 participants. This apparently is to show honor and loyalty to the government or whatever. The people in charge have all the technology and like to dress like it's 17th Century France on acid, while everyone on the losing side is stuck in Kentucky in 1938.
So Jennifer Lawrence, playing a character named Catness. Yes. She's from the poorest district and her little sister gets drafted so she volunteers to go instead. Between there and the actual games we're treated to an interminable sequence that involves preparation, talent evaluations and a parade,. It goes on and on and on and on. Even Woody Harrelson playing a mentor can't save it. It pounds you over the head with how unfair and barbaric the whole thing is, even though, ya know, we had that figured out during the opening voice over.
Once the actual fighting starts it's not bad. It's not real good either though. There's some minor shit with an uprising and a love story and....I dunno, the movie tries to say stuff that doesn't need to be said without really saying it. It's just a hodgepodge and rather uninspired.
A little silly, a little dumb, The Hunger Games is more of a bad snack than a meal.
The Zookeeper: 15 Out Of 100 Stars
Kevin James is The Zookeeper. He's trying to impress his bitchy, self centered ex girlfriend while working alongside lovely and sweet Zoe Saldana. If you need any help figuring out where all this is going then you didn't deserve that GED.
The worst of the worst type of Adam Sandler movie. Just a collection of cut and paste story points and characters, but hey, it has talking animals.
Ken Jeong, Steven Root and Joe Rogan are pretty much wasted in this film, but boy do we get plenty of Adam Sandler doing animal voices. If the one thing you've always loved about Adam Sandler is the wacky voices he does, then oh boy, is this the film for you. We've also got lots of 70's arena rock, just in case we had forgotten this was an Adam Sandler movie. The two even get combined during the credits when Sandler sings More Than A Feeling in his various wacky voices.
What the fuck is it with Kevin James? I mean, we all know he just isn't funny right? Right?
Lazy, unfunny and annoying, The Zookeeper is the worst of Sandler and about par for James.
The worst of the worst type of Adam Sandler movie. Just a collection of cut and paste story points and characters, but hey, it has talking animals.
Ken Jeong, Steven Root and Joe Rogan are pretty much wasted in this film, but boy do we get plenty of Adam Sandler doing animal voices. If the one thing you've always loved about Adam Sandler is the wacky voices he does, then oh boy, is this the film for you. We've also got lots of 70's arena rock, just in case we had forgotten this was an Adam Sandler movie. The two even get combined during the credits when Sandler sings More Than A Feeling in his various wacky voices.
What the fuck is it with Kevin James? I mean, we all know he just isn't funny right? Right?
Lazy, unfunny and annoying, The Zookeeper is the worst of Sandler and about par for James.
Olympus Has Fallen: 0 Out Of 100 Stars
A movie as preposterous as it is lazy, and to be honest, an insult to the people who lived through 9/11. Olympus Has Fallen is a cheap and stupid movie whose only bright spots are the 4 or 5 times you'll laugh at how serious it tries to take itself, other than that it's a fucking rape of your senses.
The movie seems to take delight in recreating images of 9/11. A plane attacks the White House and flies by office buildings as we get the not so subtle reaction shots of the people inside those buildings. The Washington Monument crumbles to the ground after the plane crashes into it. Just real desperate, predatory, hack visuals.
I'm not sure I've ever been so insulted by a movie before. It seems to take delight in praying on real emotions and fears of an America under attack, and surround that with cut and paste drama, with some one liners sprinkled in. It's a fucking atrocious movie, made by idiots, and everyone who's in it, from Morgan Freeman, Melissa Leo and Angela Basset, should be ashamed of themselves.
This is not Die Hard in the White House, this is not a fun action movie. This is a soulless, craftless piece of shit.
The movie seems to take delight in recreating images of 9/11. A plane attacks the White House and flies by office buildings as we get the not so subtle reaction shots of the people inside those buildings. The Washington Monument crumbles to the ground after the plane crashes into it. Just real desperate, predatory, hack visuals.
I'm not sure I've ever been so insulted by a movie before. It seems to take delight in praying on real emotions and fears of an America under attack, and surround that with cut and paste drama, with some one liners sprinkled in. It's a fucking atrocious movie, made by idiots, and everyone who's in it, from Morgan Freeman, Melissa Leo and Angela Basset, should be ashamed of themselves.
This is not Die Hard in the White House, this is not a fun action movie. This is a soulless, craftless piece of shit.
Friday, August 9, 2013
Identity Thief: 39 Out Of 100 Stars
Too much, too much, too much. At 1:50 it's a good half hour longer than it needs to be. It's filled with just too much shit to be worth sitting through. On top of that it's not exactly all that funny either.
Jason Bateman plays a guy who has his identity stolen by Melissa McCarthy and upon discovering this, both he and the police decide the best course of action would be for him to go get her in Florida, and bring her back to Colorado. The premise is dumb, but that's ok, it gets dumber.
I'll not give away much more of that plot, as it were. Suffice to say the script just adds layers and layers and layers of crap on a dumb premise in the hope of jazzing it up with quantity instead of quality. We've got a bounty hunter, a drug lord and his henchmen and some various subplots between Bateman and McCarthy along the way.
The thing is, McCarthy is excellent when things slow down, teasing us with what could had the script been tighter. Instead we're treated to gunfights and chases masquerading as plot advancement.
There are about 25 really good minutes in the film, a scene with Modern Familys Eric Stonestreet among them, but in the end they just end up getting lost. Such a shame that two really good actors were wasted on this unambitious project.
Jason Bateman plays a guy who has his identity stolen by Melissa McCarthy and upon discovering this, both he and the police decide the best course of action would be for him to go get her in Florida, and bring her back to Colorado. The premise is dumb, but that's ok, it gets dumber.
I'll not give away much more of that plot, as it were. Suffice to say the script just adds layers and layers and layers of crap on a dumb premise in the hope of jazzing it up with quantity instead of quality. We've got a bounty hunter, a drug lord and his henchmen and some various subplots between Bateman and McCarthy along the way.
The thing is, McCarthy is excellent when things slow down, teasing us with what could had the script been tighter. Instead we're treated to gunfights and chases masquerading as plot advancement.
There are about 25 really good minutes in the film, a scene with Modern Familys Eric Stonestreet among them, but in the end they just end up getting lost. Such a shame that two really good actors were wasted on this unambitious project.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D: 32 Out Of 100 Stars
Interesting movie here, more so than you might think. It appears to be of two wills. One trying to get across an intriguing storyline involving family, that provides an interesting twist for possible new life in the series. On the other hand it's wrapped around a movie so cliche and pedantic that you wonder why they even bothered to make it.
It starts and ends with promise, but in between is pretty much nothing. As the film opens we're transported to the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and then in an interesting way to approach things, we get about 5 more minutes, starting where the original left off. I thought this was a pretty innovative set up and gave me some hope for the film. The way they structure the film pretty much disregards any of the sequels as well as the reboot from a few years back.
So then, we skip ahead to present day and it becomes your normal cliche horror film, except to the umpteenth degree. I mean for real. None of the characters are fleshed out at all, or just enough to make you not give a single shit about whether they live or die.
We have the lead girl, who must have had it in her contract that her belly be visible 90% of the film, and it's a fine belly to be sure, but nary a boob is seen in the entire film. In fact there's a scene where she's hanging by her wrists, shirt ripped open, and magically her giant boobs, despite all her frantic struggling, are never revealed. So stupid.
Anyhoo, she gets a letter and learns that she's been adopted, and that her real Grandmother has left her the family house. So of course she takes off on a whim to the middle of nowhere Texas with her boyfriend and her best friend and her boyfriend. There is an insipid sub plot with the boyfriend and the best friend that exists solely to make you not like them, but it's all of about 45 seconds of screen time and so painfully shoe horned that it's just silly.
Anyway, they pick up a hitchhiker along the way and then go to the newly bequeathed house, where of course something is waiting for them. That's act 1.
From there it's just your standard slasher movie for about half an hour. There's a fun gore shot or two, and despite the set up for a good sex scene, it's led into and then completely ignored, which is fucking frustrating as hell. There is some chase, but again, the characters are so ridiculously thin that there's zero tension and what should be the most exciting part of the movie becomes a bit of tedious viewing.
The last third of the movie picks up a bit if only for the story, but now we're introduced to more characters who are just so shit brained stupid and one note that you end up groaning as we watch them stupidly lumber to get where it's obvious we're going.
I guess the ending sets up the possibility for more movies, but why bother. It's clear nobody involved here was much interested in writing a good horror movie so who gives a shit if they do another one.
It starts and ends with promise, but in between is pretty much nothing. As the film opens we're transported to the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and then in an interesting way to approach things, we get about 5 more minutes, starting where the original left off. I thought this was a pretty innovative set up and gave me some hope for the film. The way they structure the film pretty much disregards any of the sequels as well as the reboot from a few years back.
So then, we skip ahead to present day and it becomes your normal cliche horror film, except to the umpteenth degree. I mean for real. None of the characters are fleshed out at all, or just enough to make you not give a single shit about whether they live or die.
We have the lead girl, who must have had it in her contract that her belly be visible 90% of the film, and it's a fine belly to be sure, but nary a boob is seen in the entire film. In fact there's a scene where she's hanging by her wrists, shirt ripped open, and magically her giant boobs, despite all her frantic struggling, are never revealed. So stupid.
Anyhoo, she gets a letter and learns that she's been adopted, and that her real Grandmother has left her the family house. So of course she takes off on a whim to the middle of nowhere Texas with her boyfriend and her best friend and her boyfriend. There is an insipid sub plot with the boyfriend and the best friend that exists solely to make you not like them, but it's all of about 45 seconds of screen time and so painfully shoe horned that it's just silly.
Anyway, they pick up a hitchhiker along the way and then go to the newly bequeathed house, where of course something is waiting for them. That's act 1.
From there it's just your standard slasher movie for about half an hour. There's a fun gore shot or two, and despite the set up for a good sex scene, it's led into and then completely ignored, which is fucking frustrating as hell. There is some chase, but again, the characters are so ridiculously thin that there's zero tension and what should be the most exciting part of the movie becomes a bit of tedious viewing.
The last third of the movie picks up a bit if only for the story, but now we're introduced to more characters who are just so shit brained stupid and one note that you end up groaning as we watch them stupidly lumber to get where it's obvious we're going.
I guess the ending sets up the possibility for more movies, but why bother. It's clear nobody involved here was much interested in writing a good horror movie so who gives a shit if they do another one.
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