It takes a lot of money and effort to make a movie, even one as cheap as Hallows Eve. The whole time I was watching it I couldn't help thinking, why the fuck bother? Danielle Harris is given top billing but she's barely in it as this is obviously one of those deals where they gave a semi big name some money, had her do a few scenes and tried to sell their shitty movie based on that.
The idea isn't bad, a bunch of kids caused an accident to a little girl years ago when they were bullying her, and now they're getting their comeuppance. The script however, if one exists, is a jumble of incoherency and awful fucking writing.
So it's 10 year later, and the kids from the opening now have kids of their own who are supposed to be in their teens. Think about that for a moment. Everyone involved in writing and producing this movie should be put in jail.
The lead, a guy who has to walk around with a hat on most of the movie because his hairline clearly gives away that his age is probably north of 30, is a stoner and a wigger and the script is all "yo yo, I'm a white teen and I like to smoke pot and have sex, yeahhhh boy, hahahahahaha". There's another guy who wears a hoodie the whole movie because of the same issue. Whoever wrote this must find douche the funniest word in the English language because it gets used about 100 times. Everyone's a douche or a dumb douche or douchey douche bag. Except for a blonde girl, most of the women in the movie look exactly the same, and with the movie being very dark it was hard to tell who was who, not that it fucking matters at all.
The kills, gore, and direction are all terrrrible. The acting is atrocious on a whole other level but the dialog they have to deliver is just as bad so, ya know, 6 of one, half dozen of the other. There's a good deal of nudity but it's in the middle of such pathetic silliness that it's not like it's arousing in the slightest.
A student film disguised as a real movie, Hallows Eve is a bleeding aids sore on the body of cinema.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
2013 Horror Fest: The Evil Inside: 38 Out Of 100 Stars
Dumb and slow, Evil Inside is filled with characters who only do what they do because they're in a horror movie. But, I'm giving this a close to average rating because the last 20 minutes or so are pretty awesome. The problem is getting there.
A slightly disturbed girl, played by Hannah Ward, invites some old friends over to hang out while her parents gone, and so it goes. It tries build an atmosphere but it mostly just succeeds in making it difficult to watch. The colors are dark, Ward speaks very low and soft which makes it hard to hear a lot of she's saying. But you never feel like you're missing out on much because the story, while trying to be clever, never once feels like it's gonna give anything more than what you're expecting. And it doesn't, till the end, which isn't enough to save it although it comes closer than it has any right to.
The Evil Inside is like A great orgasm after an hour of slamming your dick against the wall.
A slightly disturbed girl, played by Hannah Ward, invites some old friends over to hang out while her parents gone, and so it goes. It tries build an atmosphere but it mostly just succeeds in making it difficult to watch. The colors are dark, Ward speaks very low and soft which makes it hard to hear a lot of she's saying. But you never feel like you're missing out on much because the story, while trying to be clever, never once feels like it's gonna give anything more than what you're expecting. And it doesn't, till the end, which isn't enough to save it although it comes closer than it has any right to.
The Evil Inside is like A great orgasm after an hour of slamming your dick against the wall.
2013 Horror Fest: Jug Face: 42 Out Of 100 Stars
I really have no idea what to say about this movie. I didn't dislike it, and they tell the story well. It's just that the story is so fucking out there, I was never able to get into it. Let me put it this way, everything the characters do makes sense given the story, it's just that the story, to me at least, is very silly.
Jug Face is the story of a bunch of backwoods Hillbillies and the pit in the ground that they serve. Basically the pit heals them and in return asks for a sacrifice now and again. I guess it would be dramatic if it weren't so silly, but I found it very silly, so I never felt any of the intended tension. There's not much gore at all, and the kills are meh, but that's ok because it's not that kind of movie.
A perfectly well fine, perfectly made, weird story that never once engrossed me.
Jug Face is the story of a bunch of backwoods Hillbillies and the pit in the ground that they serve. Basically the pit heals them and in return asks for a sacrifice now and again. I guess it would be dramatic if it weren't so silly, but I found it very silly, so I never felt any of the intended tension. There's not much gore at all, and the kills are meh, but that's ok because it's not that kind of movie.
A perfectly well fine, perfectly made, weird story that never once engrossed me.
2013 Horror Fest: Don't Let Him In: 63 Out Of 100 Stars
Agitating at times, especially early on, Don't Let Him In grows into something more than expected and delivers a really strong second half, full of gore, twists, Raimiesque humor and a big breasted girl running around in her underwear for a spell.
British film about two couples, a brother and sister, and their significant others, who go for a weekend retreat to a cabin in the woods. I'm starting to think nothing gets done in that country on the weekends.
Its setup doesn't suggest that you're in for anything more than a normal slasher flick, but slowly and surely it adds layers and character development that made me really appreciate it. The kills are pretty solid and the gore is aces. The lead, played by Sophie Linfield does a terrific job once things pick up, and she looks quite fetching doing it. Sam Hazeldine and Gordon Alexander both also shine and the rest of the cast do an adequate job.
Fun and gross, Don't Let Him In is well worth hanging in there for, despite the pedestrian first half hour or so.
British film about two couples, a brother and sister, and their significant others, who go for a weekend retreat to a cabin in the woods. I'm starting to think nothing gets done in that country on the weekends.
Its setup doesn't suggest that you're in for anything more than a normal slasher flick, but slowly and surely it adds layers and character development that made me really appreciate it. The kills are pretty solid and the gore is aces. The lead, played by Sophie Linfield does a terrific job once things pick up, and she looks quite fetching doing it. Sam Hazeldine and Gordon Alexander both also shine and the rest of the cast do an adequate job.
Fun and gross, Don't Let Him In is well worth hanging in there for, despite the pedestrian first half hour or so.
2013 Horror Fest: The Howling 3: 61 Out Of 100 Stars
The Howling 3 starts out as a blazing cacophony of the absurd with a head scratchingly entertaining first 45 minutes or so, but then it sort of peters out as all the jumbled and insipid plot points play out.
Set in Australia this time, an American scientist is hunting down a story based on a video taken in the early 1900's of a werewolf being captured by tribal aborigines. At the same time, a sexy young werewolf girl escapes from her clan and her rapey step dad. She takes a bus to the city and falls asleep on a bench. A guy driving by sees her and chases after her to offer her a role in a movie that he's working on, which coincidentally, although it doesn't lead to anything, is about werewolves. They fall in love in about 15 seconds. The director of the movie is some sort of Hitchcockian/Andy Warhol hybrid. The guy and girl fall in love and make sweet love to each other, but only afterwards does he notice she has a pouch and a very hairy belly. At the same time, the scientist is invited to the ballet to watch a world famous Russian ballet artist who also just happens to be a werewolf. Of course he falls in love with her.
At points in the film both werewolf women get captured by the government and both escape once they transform. The werewolf outfits in this thing are like nothing you've seen, I mean, they look like....I dunno, human sized rats? It's pretty hysterical. Then the first chick delivers what looks like a hamster baby. Anyhoo, everything up to this point is so much silly fun, the army shows up and then disappears from scene to scene, there are scenes with the president of the US in what I'm guessing is supposed to be a gym, it's gloriously bad, but then as the couples start to run the movie just kind of drags as not much new happens and your just left with the dumb story for the second half of the film.
The Howling 3 is righteously horrible movie that at least has enough juice to reel you in, but then sort of just leaves you flopping around waiting for it to finish.
Set in Australia this time, an American scientist is hunting down a story based on a video taken in the early 1900's of a werewolf being captured by tribal aborigines. At the same time, a sexy young werewolf girl escapes from her clan and her rapey step dad. She takes a bus to the city and falls asleep on a bench. A guy driving by sees her and chases after her to offer her a role in a movie that he's working on, which coincidentally, although it doesn't lead to anything, is about werewolves. They fall in love in about 15 seconds. The director of the movie is some sort of Hitchcockian/Andy Warhol hybrid. The guy and girl fall in love and make sweet love to each other, but only afterwards does he notice she has a pouch and a very hairy belly. At the same time, the scientist is invited to the ballet to watch a world famous Russian ballet artist who also just happens to be a werewolf. Of course he falls in love with her.
At points in the film both werewolf women get captured by the government and both escape once they transform. The werewolf outfits in this thing are like nothing you've seen, I mean, they look like....I dunno, human sized rats? It's pretty hysterical. Then the first chick delivers what looks like a hamster baby. Anyhoo, everything up to this point is so much silly fun, the army shows up and then disappears from scene to scene, there are scenes with the president of the US in what I'm guessing is supposed to be a gym, it's gloriously bad, but then as the couples start to run the movie just kind of drags as not much new happens and your just left with the dumb story for the second half of the film.
The Howling 3 is righteously horrible movie that at least has enough juice to reel you in, but then sort of just leaves you flopping around waiting for it to finish.
2013 Horror Fest: The Howling 2: 76 Out Of 100 Stars
The Howling 2 is what you would get if you fed David Lynch shrooms, told him to write a werewolf sex comedy, took the finished script and removed everything that made sense, did your casting in an opium den and decided to dress all your werewolves up like gorillas.
Originally intended as a comedy, about halfway through the filming the producers decided they wanted a scary movie instead. The ensuing result is one of the most absurd messes I've ever seen, but it's an entertaining mess.
The first half hour or so is stammeringly awful as we open at the funeral of Dee Wallaces character, who met her maker at the end of the first Howling. Here we meet the main players, Christopher Lee as a werewolf hunter, Reb Brown as Nancys brother, and Annie McEnroe as a girl she worked with. Brown and McEnroe appear to be robots, his thing is that he screams when he shoots a gun, while she appears to be unfazed by anything anyone tells her and just goes along with it.
So Lee tells them about the werewolves and how they killed her his sister and even shows them a tape of the live broadcast in which she was killed. Now, I don't know why they just didn't use the footage from original, but instead they recreate it using an actress who looks nothing Dee Wallace. They even go out of their way to show her in the coffin, even though it's a completely different woman. Whatever, this part of the movie is bad, but have no fear, within a day of meeting each other the 3 are off to Transylvania to fight werewolves and to try and kill their queen and this is where the movie falls into the ether of the ridiculous.
Upon arriving in Transylvania, Lee goes off and does some shit while our couple seem to fall into a Woody Allen movie. He's there to avenge his sister, she's there to get the story, but they seem more interesting in just hanging out and watching the puppet shows in the street. Perhaps they're trying to get some acting tips. Neither one of them seems too bothered by the amount of creepy people who could be werewolves, all around them. When they check into their hotel he asks for two rooms, the very next scene they're having sex. Now I say they're having sex, but he's got his jeans on, pulled up about chest high. I have no idea.
Meanwhile the films real star, Sybil Danning, playing the Queen werewolf, is holed up in her castle with a bevy of werechicks dressed like they just bought out all of Fredericks Of Hollywood, which I got no problem with. She spends most of the movie with her excellent boobs either out, or barely contained, which again, I got no problem with. She has a furry 3 way with two other werewolves, I assume they're having sex, really they just howl, meow, and roll around a lot.
So Lee, a posse he gathers, our leads, and a Transylvanian leprechaun all converge on the werewolf castle where some sort of orgy is going on. Earlier in the film there was a scene in a club where a band was playing the movies theme song, suddenly the band is in the castle playing the theme song as the leather clad werewolves all dry hump each other. Except the band isn't there, the scene from the club is just spliced into the orgy. I think we're supposed to think the band is there, I dunno, it's making my head hurt.
So yeah, we have the inevitable showdown, Reb Brown yells "hyahhhhhh" every time he shoots his gun at the werewolves who all walk upright and look to be wearing costumes left over from Planet Of The Apes. As the credits roll we get to hear the theme song again, because the 7 or 8 times we've heard it during the movie weren't enough, but they also show a clip of Sybil Danning ripping her shirt off, exposing her lovely boobies, about 20 times. I have no idea why and I wont argue against it.
So so so so very campy and nonsensical, The Howling 2 goes from bad, to so bad it's good, to so bad it's great. Captivatingly awful acting, coupled with a script that may very well not exist, throw in some blood, lots of boobies and werewolf sex, and you have a film that in no way deserved to be released, but is a must watch.
Originally intended as a comedy, about halfway through the filming the producers decided they wanted a scary movie instead. The ensuing result is one of the most absurd messes I've ever seen, but it's an entertaining mess.
The first half hour or so is stammeringly awful as we open at the funeral of Dee Wallaces character, who met her maker at the end of the first Howling. Here we meet the main players, Christopher Lee as a werewolf hunter, Reb Brown as Nancys brother, and Annie McEnroe as a girl she worked with. Brown and McEnroe appear to be robots, his thing is that he screams when he shoots a gun, while she appears to be unfazed by anything anyone tells her and just goes along with it.
So Lee tells them about the werewolves and how they killed her his sister and even shows them a tape of the live broadcast in which she was killed. Now, I don't know why they just didn't use the footage from original, but instead they recreate it using an actress who looks nothing Dee Wallace. They even go out of their way to show her in the coffin, even though it's a completely different woman. Whatever, this part of the movie is bad, but have no fear, within a day of meeting each other the 3 are off to Transylvania to fight werewolves and to try and kill their queen and this is where the movie falls into the ether of the ridiculous.
Upon arriving in Transylvania, Lee goes off and does some shit while our couple seem to fall into a Woody Allen movie. He's there to avenge his sister, she's there to get the story, but they seem more interesting in just hanging out and watching the puppet shows in the street. Perhaps they're trying to get some acting tips. Neither one of them seems too bothered by the amount of creepy people who could be werewolves, all around them. When they check into their hotel he asks for two rooms, the very next scene they're having sex. Now I say they're having sex, but he's got his jeans on, pulled up about chest high. I have no idea.
Meanwhile the films real star, Sybil Danning, playing the Queen werewolf, is holed up in her castle with a bevy of werechicks dressed like they just bought out all of Fredericks Of Hollywood, which I got no problem with. She spends most of the movie with her excellent boobs either out, or barely contained, which again, I got no problem with. She has a furry 3 way with two other werewolves, I assume they're having sex, really they just howl, meow, and roll around a lot.
So Lee, a posse he gathers, our leads, and a Transylvanian leprechaun all converge on the werewolf castle where some sort of orgy is going on. Earlier in the film there was a scene in a club where a band was playing the movies theme song, suddenly the band is in the castle playing the theme song as the leather clad werewolves all dry hump each other. Except the band isn't there, the scene from the club is just spliced into the orgy. I think we're supposed to think the band is there, I dunno, it's making my head hurt.
So yeah, we have the inevitable showdown, Reb Brown yells "hyahhhhhh" every time he shoots his gun at the werewolves who all walk upright and look to be wearing costumes left over from Planet Of The Apes. As the credits roll we get to hear the theme song again, because the 7 or 8 times we've heard it during the movie weren't enough, but they also show a clip of Sybil Danning ripping her shirt off, exposing her lovely boobies, about 20 times. I have no idea why and I wont argue against it.
So so so so very campy and nonsensical, The Howling 2 goes from bad, to so bad it's good, to so bad it's great. Captivatingly awful acting, coupled with a script that may very well not exist, throw in some blood, lots of boobies and werewolf sex, and you have a film that in no way deserved to be released, but is a must watch.
2013 Horror Fest: The Howling: 58 Out Of 100 Stars
For whatever reason, I'd never seen The Howling, so I figured I'd mix things up and go old school.
It's not bad at all, though nowhere near the level of the top horror movies from it's era. The beginning had me psyched, with the hot lead and the sex shop and the sex/werewolf mythology, but it kind of drags in the middle and seems sort of directionless for a spell. Still, the effects are a good combination of gross and cheesy, and the lead werechick is absolutely smoking.
The showdown at the end is sloppy and goofy but is good for a laugh, and the final scene is so silly you can't help but enjoy it.
A mix of They Live and The Wolfman, The Howling is a tongue in cheek gore fest with a side order of sexual tension. Nothing earth shattering, but still a good ways above what passes for horror these days.
It's not bad at all, though nowhere near the level of the top horror movies from it's era. The beginning had me psyched, with the hot lead and the sex shop and the sex/werewolf mythology, but it kind of drags in the middle and seems sort of directionless for a spell. Still, the effects are a good combination of gross and cheesy, and the lead werechick is absolutely smoking.
The showdown at the end is sloppy and goofy but is good for a laugh, and the final scene is so silly you can't help but enjoy it.
A mix of They Live and The Wolfman, The Howling is a tongue in cheek gore fest with a side order of sexual tension. Nothing earth shattering, but still a good ways above what passes for horror these days.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
2013 Horror Fest: Fresh Meat: 80 Out Of 100 Stars
From New Zealand, Fresh Meat provides a close to perfect horror comedy, with a dash of lesbianism thrown in. I laughed, I cringed, I got queasy, I got scared, I got a big ol boner.
A group of thugs are on the run and decide to stow away in a house till the heat dies down, but they pick the wrong house. Like really wrong. The only problem I had was, not being familiar with Kiwi culture, some of the jokes and themes went over my head, but I got the general gist.
The script is loads of fun, and all the actors, the father in particular, are more than up to the task of delivering the goods. Combining humor, blood and guts, the movie never takes it's foot off of the proverbial pedal, just pushing the humor and piling on heaps of blood and guts while still telling a nicely framed story.
Watch Fresh Meat, you'll have a ball. You might even have two.
A group of thugs are on the run and decide to stow away in a house till the heat dies down, but they pick the wrong house. Like really wrong. The only problem I had was, not being familiar with Kiwi culture, some of the jokes and themes went over my head, but I got the general gist.
The script is loads of fun, and all the actors, the father in particular, are more than up to the task of delivering the goods. Combining humor, blood and guts, the movie never takes it's foot off of the proverbial pedal, just pushing the humor and piling on heaps of blood and guts while still telling a nicely framed story.
Watch Fresh Meat, you'll have a ball. You might even have two.
Monday, October 28, 2013
2013 Horror Fest: Devoured: 75 Out Of 100 Stars
Devoured is a wonderfully told story that builds nice and slow and makes sweet love to your senses. Helmed almost exclusively by Marta Milans, it steps outside the genre to provide not just a top notch suspense chiller, but a damn fine movie on any level.
I'm not gonna spoil much of the film at all, it's too good to give anything away. But I will say that the pace is slow, so don't go in expecting a slash and chase movie or a monster gore fest, although it does have elements.
Director Greg Olliver, writer Marc Landau, and Milans create a hauntingly atmospheric film that really stands out in a genre too often content with putting in the minimum effort.
I'm not gonna spoil much of the film at all, it's too good to give anything away. But I will say that the pace is slow, so don't go in expecting a slash and chase movie or a monster gore fest, although it does have elements.
Director Greg Olliver, writer Marc Landau, and Milans create a hauntingly atmospheric film that really stands out in a genre too often content with putting in the minimum effort.
2013 Horror Fest: Butcher Boys: 60 Out Of 100 Stars
Story of a group of teens who get lost in the bad part of town and end up being chased by a bunch of somethings.
Frustrating at times due to chases that seem to go on forever, but fun as hell when shit starts to go down, Butcher Boys is a pleasant surprise that piles on the weirdness the deeper it gets.
Ali Faulkner holds her own as the damsel in distress, giving off a real Heather Graham vibe. It's funny, she was also in Bad Kids Go To Hell, which I just watched, and had no idea it was the same girl, she has much more presence here.
A fun, if redundant chase movie for the first half, the second half of the movie morphs into a modern day, urban, Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I can't be positive I understood what the hell the story was about, but at some point I stopped caring and just went along with the ride.
Butcher Boys isn't great, but it tries real effing hard to be fresh, while still paying homage. In that regard, it's a slice above.
Frustrating at times due to chases that seem to go on forever, but fun as hell when shit starts to go down, Butcher Boys is a pleasant surprise that piles on the weirdness the deeper it gets.
Ali Faulkner holds her own as the damsel in distress, giving off a real Heather Graham vibe. It's funny, she was also in Bad Kids Go To Hell, which I just watched, and had no idea it was the same girl, she has much more presence here.
A fun, if redundant chase movie for the first half, the second half of the movie morphs into a modern day, urban, Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I can't be positive I understood what the hell the story was about, but at some point I stopped caring and just went along with the ride.
Butcher Boys isn't great, but it tries real effing hard to be fresh, while still paying homage. In that regard, it's a slice above.
2013 Horror Fest: Cannibal Rising: 46 Out Of 100 Stars
I'm on the fence as far as this one goes. Take the legend of the Donner party, put a bunch of kids in a remote cabin in the middle of a snowstorm and let the two intersect.
It accomplishes what it wants to do and the story is fairly fresh, but the meat of it is just lacking. The main problem is that almost all of the characters are dicks, and there's very little sympathy built, therefore the tension just isn't there. There's some decent gore and kills but none of it's very moving. A little boobie gets sprinkled in but nothing very exciting. I guess that's pretty much my summation of the whole thing, competent but uninspiring.
It accomplishes what it wants to do and the story is fairly fresh, but the meat of it is just lacking. The main problem is that almost all of the characters are dicks, and there's very little sympathy built, therefore the tension just isn't there. There's some decent gore and kills but none of it's very moving. A little boobie gets sprinkled in but nothing very exciting. I guess that's pretty much my summation of the whole thing, competent but uninspiring.
2013 Horror Fest: Shiver: 40 Out Of 100 Stars
At first looking like it's gonna be a fun little sex torture movie, Shiver instead plods along for an hour as more of a procedural drama than anything else. It's not until the final act, when the two leads, played by Danielle Harris who is always awesome, and John Jarratt as the villain, that it really starts to get good, but by then it's probably too late.
Casper Van Diem and Rae Dawn Chong play the cops. Stop laughing. OK, go ahead and laugh. There's some gore and some sexy fun, but no nudity. The kills aren't real great either but that's not what this is anyway.
More of a Lifetime movie with some severed heads thrown in, if you make it far enough you'll enjoy the climax, thanks entirely to Harris and Jarratt.
Casper Van Diem and Rae Dawn Chong play the cops. Stop laughing. OK, go ahead and laugh. There's some gore and some sexy fun, but no nudity. The kills aren't real great either but that's not what this is anyway.
More of a Lifetime movie with some severed heads thrown in, if you make it far enough you'll enjoy the climax, thanks entirely to Harris and Jarratt.
2013 Horror Fest: Bad Kids Go To Hell: 46 Out Of 100 Stars
Over stylized, frenetic, jumbled mess of a story that borrows from just about any horror or teen angst movie it can get it's hands on, Bad Kids Go To Hell tries so hard to be too cool for school, but more often than not just tends to languish in it's own incoherency.
A bunch of kids locked in detention that tries to be as much Breakfast Club as it can without breaking copyright laws, a back story lifted from Poltergeist, throw in some Carrie and ideas from probably half a dozen other movies with just a little bit of your own silly ideas. Then add a bunch of scenes that work better as bad music videos and there you go.
The movie looks really good, and the chicks are A+ with a lot of more sexuality and nudity than you'd think. And it does have a few inspired moments, but just not enough to come anywhere close to recommending.
Worse than not having any idea of how to convey what the fuck it is, Bad Kids Go To Hell doesn't even grasp the source material it's lifting it from.
A bunch of kids locked in detention that tries to be as much Breakfast Club as it can without breaking copyright laws, a back story lifted from Poltergeist, throw in some Carrie and ideas from probably half a dozen other movies with just a little bit of your own silly ideas. Then add a bunch of scenes that work better as bad music videos and there you go.
The movie looks really good, and the chicks are A+ with a lot of more sexuality and nudity than you'd think. And it does have a few inspired moments, but just not enough to come anywhere close to recommending.
Worse than not having any idea of how to convey what the fuck it is, Bad Kids Go To Hell doesn't even grasp the source material it's lifting it from.
2013 Horror Fest: It's Alive #3: 73 Out Of 100 Stars
Released in 1987 and starring Michael Moriarty, the 3rd iteration of this franchise is much more of a monster movie, but it still spends a lot of time on the morality issue, which would be irritating if not for the fact that Moriarty is so fucking magnificent. He takes over for John Ryan as the center of the film, a father whose baby was the center of a huge court case about how to deal with all the mutant babies. Much like Ryan made the first movie better than it had any right to be, Moriarty attacks the rather ridiculous script with zeal. Only James Dixon as Lieutenant Perkins, now looking more like Donald Trump than ever, returns from the first two films.
So A judge rules that the mutants should be sent to an undisclosed, uninhabited island, where they can live out their lives without endangering or being threatened by humans. OK then. So after a profoundly wondrous courtroom scene in which Moriarty convinces the court not to kill his baby, he loafs around for a few years. He tries to reconnect with his ex wife, he gets picked up by a hooker at a carnival, he sells kids shoes. Eventually the judge dies, and apparently when a judge dies, his decisions get overturned. I don't think that's how it works, but It's not my script, so whatever.
So a government led team of incompetent scientist, cops and Morariaty is now going back to the island to see how the babies are doing and to try and bring one back to study, and off we go into a final 45 minutes that reaches maximum insanity. I cannot tell if the script is trying to be as ridiculous as possible, but if it is, Moriarty is more than happy to play along. There are points in the films second half where I just sat with my mouth wide open, trying to fathom what I was watching. I'm not at all being blusterous when I suggest that few movies ever have been better served by their leading men than this one. It's just fascinating to watch.
Silly and so very 80's, It's Alive #3 is a sadly forgotten treasure trove of 80's horror movies and a fucking tour de force from Moriarty, who's every bit as bat shit insane as the script. Just a wonderful viewing experience that I can't recommend enough.
So A judge rules that the mutants should be sent to an undisclosed, uninhabited island, where they can live out their lives without endangering or being threatened by humans. OK then. So after a profoundly wondrous courtroom scene in which Moriarty convinces the court not to kill his baby, he loafs around for a few years. He tries to reconnect with his ex wife, he gets picked up by a hooker at a carnival, he sells kids shoes. Eventually the judge dies, and apparently when a judge dies, his decisions get overturned. I don't think that's how it works, but It's not my script, so whatever.
So a government led team of incompetent scientist, cops and Morariaty is now going back to the island to see how the babies are doing and to try and bring one back to study, and off we go into a final 45 minutes that reaches maximum insanity. I cannot tell if the script is trying to be as ridiculous as possible, but if it is, Moriarty is more than happy to play along. There are points in the films second half where I just sat with my mouth wide open, trying to fathom what I was watching. I'm not at all being blusterous when I suggest that few movies ever have been better served by their leading men than this one. It's just fascinating to watch.
Silly and so very 80's, It's Alive #3 is a sadly forgotten treasure trove of 80's horror movies and a fucking tour de force from Moriarty, who's every bit as bat shit insane as the script. Just a wonderful viewing experience that I can't recommend enough.
2013 Horror Fest: It's Alive #2: 38 Out Of 100 Stars
Because the story must continue. This time around John Ryan is going around warning couples about their impending mutant babies. He's part of a group going around trying to save the children from the government, who of course is trying to kill them. The babies they can save are rounded up and taken to a safe house/nursery for killer toddlers.
Much like the first film, the gore is rather limited and it instead relies on the drama and tension to carry it for most of the film. It tries it's hardest but it's just too silly to take seriously, the script is a little bit more ridiculous too, with motivations that change too much and decisions that are only made to further the story, such as a doctor theorizing that these babies are a new breed of human designed to survive the world we're destroying. Perhaps these are the first X-Men. It's campy, but not really campy enough to work.
Pretty much more of the same, and if you liked the first one you'll probably like this one. The main flaw continues to be how serious it takes itself.
Much like the first film, the gore is rather limited and it instead relies on the drama and tension to carry it for most of the film. It tries it's hardest but it's just too silly to take seriously, the script is a little bit more ridiculous too, with motivations that change too much and decisions that are only made to further the story, such as a doctor theorizing that these babies are a new breed of human designed to survive the world we're destroying. Perhaps these are the first X-Men. It's campy, but not really campy enough to work.
Pretty much more of the same, and if you liked the first one you'll probably like this one. The main flaw continues to be how serious it takes itself.
2013 Horror Fest: It's Alive: 40 Out Of 100 Stars
From 1974, the tale of a mutant newborn who goes on a killing spree. It's really not that gory and relies more on drama, but it's too absurd to be truly dramatic.
The early fun is in how everyone is completely unfazed that there's a baby mutant running around killing people. "Yep, she had a baby and it's a mutant, poor lady". The cops are just like, "welp we better go kill it", and the doctors are like "this shit happens sometimes, should have had an abortion or something".
The lead, John Ryan, plays the father, and he does his gosh darndest to try and bring a real performance to this film. He plays it as straight as you possibly can in a film like this and really helps elevate the film to something close to watchable.
Unfortunately it's still a rather undramatic drama, with not much gore and a really silly story that I can't quite recommend but I think might still be an interesting watch for some.
The early fun is in how everyone is completely unfazed that there's a baby mutant running around killing people. "Yep, she had a baby and it's a mutant, poor lady". The cops are just like, "welp we better go kill it", and the doctors are like "this shit happens sometimes, should have had an abortion or something".
The lead, John Ryan, plays the father, and he does his gosh darndest to try and bring a real performance to this film. He plays it as straight as you possibly can in a film like this and really helps elevate the film to something close to watchable.
Unfortunately it's still a rather undramatic drama, with not much gore and a really silly story that I can't quite recommend but I think might still be an interesting watch for some.
Friday, October 25, 2013
2013 Horror Fest: Night Claws: 22 Out Of 100 Stars
I was so excited for a Bigfoot themed movie, then I noticed that the distributor is the same company that released the awful, awful, awful, fucking awful Hayride. Still, I'm down to give it a chance. Then I noticed that the lead was Reb Brown, The guy who's acting in The Howling 2 was an experience akin to getting kicked in the nuts for 2 hours. Fuck me. All I wanted was a good Bigfoot movie! Why must these people put me through this. :sadface: But onward I shall trek.
When I was 11 a neighborhood kid tried to put his penis in me. It was a traumatic experience. Not as traumatic watching this movie.
Not nearly as teeth clenchingly boring as Hayride, but just as god damn awful, Night Claws is movie completely devoid of any competence on any level, to the point that I feel bad for the people buying this shit.
30 Years ago Reb Brown could not act. In the ensuing time he's learned to make a face, something between smelling a fart and seeing a puppy. I'm not sure what it is, but whether he's flirting, being told a monster is in the woods, or finding a dead body, he's making that face. The rest of the cast is just as bad, and it's a large cast. Because if you're gonna hire people who can't act, why not hire lots of em.
The script seems to have an outline, but as far as actual dialog, I can't be sure. Actors seem to just be making shit up half the time, conversations just sort of die out or end with Reb giving that look. The direction is hideous on a monumental level. The actual beast pops up from time to time, but never in any interesting detail till the very end when you realize that was probably a good thing.
Does it work on a camp level? Yeah, I guess. The problem is that it veers from campy to insulting pretty quickly. I mean, if this were parody, it would work. If there was some sort of in joke being played off about how bad it is, it would work. But it's not, it's just people who came up with the idea to get Reb Brown & Frank Stallone so they could put their names on the marquee of their bigfoot movie, and sell it. Then they sort of made a movie so they couldn't be charged with fraud.
Night Claws should come with a free coupon, good for one punch to the windpipe of everyone involved in making and selling this piece of shit.
When I was 11 a neighborhood kid tried to put his penis in me. It was a traumatic experience. Not as traumatic watching this movie.
Not nearly as teeth clenchingly boring as Hayride, but just as god damn awful, Night Claws is movie completely devoid of any competence on any level, to the point that I feel bad for the people buying this shit.
30 Years ago Reb Brown could not act. In the ensuing time he's learned to make a face, something between smelling a fart and seeing a puppy. I'm not sure what it is, but whether he's flirting, being told a monster is in the woods, or finding a dead body, he's making that face. The rest of the cast is just as bad, and it's a large cast. Because if you're gonna hire people who can't act, why not hire lots of em.
The script seems to have an outline, but as far as actual dialog, I can't be sure. Actors seem to just be making shit up half the time, conversations just sort of die out or end with Reb giving that look. The direction is hideous on a monumental level. The actual beast pops up from time to time, but never in any interesting detail till the very end when you realize that was probably a good thing.
Does it work on a camp level? Yeah, I guess. The problem is that it veers from campy to insulting pretty quickly. I mean, if this were parody, it would work. If there was some sort of in joke being played off about how bad it is, it would work. But it's not, it's just people who came up with the idea to get Reb Brown & Frank Stallone so they could put their names on the marquee of their bigfoot movie, and sell it. Then they sort of made a movie so they couldn't be charged with fraud.
Night Claws should come with a free coupon, good for one punch to the windpipe of everyone involved in making and selling this piece of shit.
2013 Horror Fest: Bloodwork: 70 Out Of 100 Stars
Another really fun film, Bloodwork is the story of two college students who sign up to be part of a medical study in order to earn some extra money. Tricia Helfer plays the doctor in charge of everything and she is exquisite.
So yeah, things aren't quite as they appear and the research being done is not quite on the up and up and things start to go wonky, leading to some wonderfully gross scenes. Tons of really gross visuals amp this sucker up, I was getting queasy at some points, but in a good way.
The cast is strong and the script is strong enough to draw you in and forgive some of the cliched aspects of it. Oh, and there's a beautiful pair of boobs on display, although sadly, not Helfers.
A fresh story, nicely told, with really solid effects. Bloodwork is top notch fun.
So yeah, things aren't quite as they appear and the research being done is not quite on the up and up and things start to go wonky, leading to some wonderfully gross scenes. Tons of really gross visuals amp this sucker up, I was getting queasy at some points, but in a good way.
The cast is strong and the script is strong enough to draw you in and forgive some of the cliched aspects of it. Oh, and there's a beautiful pair of boobs on display, although sadly, not Helfers.
A fresh story, nicely told, with really solid effects. Bloodwork is top notch fun.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
2013 Horror Fest: Apocalypse Z: 82 Out Of 100 Stars
One of those movies where the entire army consists of 3 people, and multi million dollar science experiments are carried out by 1 doctor in a broom closet with a computer and 2 rats in cages.
The main story is that there's a virus outbreak of some sort in a remote Romanian town, and the US Government is sending in an elite group of mercenaries to blow up the town and contain things. The leader is Chief, he's been in jail for unspecified but apparently fucked up war crimes. He takes the mission so his record will be expunged and he can reunite with his daughter. The other 3 are elite soldiers, each being paid 2 million dollars each. There's a sniper from somewhere in Europe, a Scottish explosives expert, and lastly there's a ninja girl with pigtails who I swear to god is supposed to Asian but she's.....just not.
But wait, there's more. The soldiers, the US soldiers, are clearly not American. But wait, there's even more. The US President is played by Uwe Boll. Yes, you read that right. Lifted from IMDB, this is how he introduces himself, ""Hi! Ya, it is me. The president. Perhaps you are remembering me?" How can you not love that?
Along the way the mercenaries pick up some folks. There's the scientists earnest daughter and a couple on vacation from America. He's supposed to be a redneck, but imagine Billy Connelly doing foghorn leghorn and you pretty much get the gist. Her back story is that her brother killed her whole family. Why? I have no idea. There's even a dog involved. Again, why? Well probably for no other reason than Americans like dogs. The script is so deliciously bad.
I have no earthly idea why, but it works. It works astoundingly well. The dialog is so silly, but silly in a really fun way. The script is a ridiculous jumble of every American Bad ass cliche, but coherent enough to move the story swiftly along, and the action and gore are pretty damn good.
A good action movie with enough preposterousness to fill a ballpark, an American baseball ballpark. Apocalypse Z is an insane amount of fun, and an insane amount of insane.
The main story is that there's a virus outbreak of some sort in a remote Romanian town, and the US Government is sending in an elite group of mercenaries to blow up the town and contain things. The leader is Chief, he's been in jail for unspecified but apparently fucked up war crimes. He takes the mission so his record will be expunged and he can reunite with his daughter. The other 3 are elite soldiers, each being paid 2 million dollars each. There's a sniper from somewhere in Europe, a Scottish explosives expert, and lastly there's a ninja girl with pigtails who I swear to god is supposed to Asian but she's.....just not.
But wait, there's more. The soldiers, the US soldiers, are clearly not American. But wait, there's even more. The US President is played by Uwe Boll. Yes, you read that right. Lifted from IMDB, this is how he introduces himself, ""Hi! Ya, it is me. The president. Perhaps you are remembering me?" How can you not love that?
Along the way the mercenaries pick up some folks. There's the scientists earnest daughter and a couple on vacation from America. He's supposed to be a redneck, but imagine Billy Connelly doing foghorn leghorn and you pretty much get the gist. Her back story is that her brother killed her whole family. Why? I have no idea. There's even a dog involved. Again, why? Well probably for no other reason than Americans like dogs. The script is so deliciously bad.
I have no earthly idea why, but it works. It works astoundingly well. The dialog is so silly, but silly in a really fun way. The script is a ridiculous jumble of every American Bad ass cliche, but coherent enough to move the story swiftly along, and the action and gore are pretty damn good.
A good action movie with enough preposterousness to fill a ballpark, an American baseball ballpark. Apocalypse Z is an insane amount of fun, and an insane amount of insane.
2013 Horror Fest: An American Ghost Story: 68 Out Of 100 Stars
Frustrating movie in that the scares and the tension are magnificent, but the lead actor, charged with carrying the movie, is just not that good.
The story is simple as shit, a guy moves into a house where a family was slaughtered by the father years earlier. He plans on writing a book about the house and is hoping for some sort of paranormal activity to occur.
At first it just seems like it's going to be another poorly acted, low budget, snooze fest. But then the scares start, and man oh man are they good. I almost pissed myself a time or two. There are lulls, and at times the leading actor is hard to stay interested in, but after the first scare I was always on the edge of my seat, and that's good enough for me.
There are only 5 characters in the entire movie, 4 of whom don't have much screen time. It's a shame the lead is so milquetoast, as this could have really been something special. As it is though I've got to give this movie a lot of credit. They clearly don't have much of a budget, the credits suggest a small crew. And still it's easily one of the more frightening movies I've seen in a while, they totally understand what makes for a good chiller, even if the acting and script aren't up to par.
An American Ghost Story is a very pleasant surprise. Now for me to go change my underpants.
The story is simple as shit, a guy moves into a house where a family was slaughtered by the father years earlier. He plans on writing a book about the house and is hoping for some sort of paranormal activity to occur.
At first it just seems like it's going to be another poorly acted, low budget, snooze fest. But then the scares start, and man oh man are they good. I almost pissed myself a time or two. There are lulls, and at times the leading actor is hard to stay interested in, but after the first scare I was always on the edge of my seat, and that's good enough for me.
There are only 5 characters in the entire movie, 4 of whom don't have much screen time. It's a shame the lead is so milquetoast, as this could have really been something special. As it is though I've got to give this movie a lot of credit. They clearly don't have much of a budget, the credits suggest a small crew. And still it's easily one of the more frightening movies I've seen in a while, they totally understand what makes for a good chiller, even if the acting and script aren't up to par.
An American Ghost Story is a very pleasant surprise. Now for me to go change my underpants.
2013 Horror Fest: Lords Of Salem: 32 Out Of 100 Stars
Holy crap does this movie just fall right the fuck off the cliff after a promising first act.
Written and Directed by Rob Zombie and starring his wife Sheri, Lords Of Salem is the story of a Salem DJ, played by Sheri, who receives an odd record in the mail one day. Upon playing it, weird things start to happen to her and everyone who hears it.
The movie starts off fairly strong with some really good atmosphere and a great visual style, Zombie captures the creepiness of Autumn in New England and uses it to his advantage. Sheri is understated yet convincing and the film really seems like it's going somewhere fun, but then.........I have no earthly idea.
Demonic stuff starts to happen with her landlady and the landladys two sisters, there are a ton of creepy sequences but they take you completely out of whatever the narrative is supposed to be until the film just ends with a lot of witches, and the word cunt being shoehorned in everywhere, and images that are supposed to be creepy or unsettling but just comes across as silly.
None of the secondary characters are really fleshed out enough after the first act to make you care about them all that much, although up until a point their motivations are still sort of intriguing. But the movie hits the breaking point on that with a good 40 minutes left and what we're left with is a jumbled mess of something less than entertaining.
Everything seemed to be in place for a fun movie, but ultimately Lords Of Salem just turns into a never ending hodgepodge of weirdness for weirdness sakes, that's neither scary or interesting.
Written and Directed by Rob Zombie and starring his wife Sheri, Lords Of Salem is the story of a Salem DJ, played by Sheri, who receives an odd record in the mail one day. Upon playing it, weird things start to happen to her and everyone who hears it.
The movie starts off fairly strong with some really good atmosphere and a great visual style, Zombie captures the creepiness of Autumn in New England and uses it to his advantage. Sheri is understated yet convincing and the film really seems like it's going somewhere fun, but then.........I have no earthly idea.
Demonic stuff starts to happen with her landlady and the landladys two sisters, there are a ton of creepy sequences but they take you completely out of whatever the narrative is supposed to be until the film just ends with a lot of witches, and the word cunt being shoehorned in everywhere, and images that are supposed to be creepy or unsettling but just comes across as silly.
None of the secondary characters are really fleshed out enough after the first act to make you care about them all that much, although up until a point their motivations are still sort of intriguing. But the movie hits the breaking point on that with a good 40 minutes left and what we're left with is a jumbled mess of something less than entertaining.
Everything seemed to be in place for a fun movie, but ultimately Lords Of Salem just turns into a never ending hodgepodge of weirdness for weirdness sakes, that's neither scary or interesting.
2013 Horror Fest: The Beast In Heat: 70 Out Of 100 Stars
Deliciously ridiculous fare from 1977 about a sexy Nazi Lieutenant who is trying to engineer a.....sex beast? Think Herve Villachez crossed with a gorilla. When a group of Italian rebels cause too much trouble for the occupying Nazis, The Lieutenant is called in to help put them down.
We've got a lot of rape, like lots. Old ladies being shot and babies thrown up in the air for target practice. Marvelous dubbing in which the rebels all sound like they come from everywhere in the world but Italy. There's even one standout voice over that sounds more like he's defending Atlanta from the Union than Italy from the Nazis. There's a wonderful scene where one of the female rebels is undercover as the mistress of a Nazi officer and is gathering information to help the cause, she climbs on his stomach and bounces up and down in what I believe is intended to imply they are having intercourse. It looks more like she's trying to help him work out a fart. Imagine Hogans Heroes re imaged as torture porn with a dash of Benny Hill thrown in to keep the mood light.
The Lieutenant captures a group of men and we got a triple play of dong on display as she attempts to seduce information out of them by rubbing her boobs on them and biting their nipples. This sends one of the men into such a fit of lust that she has to cut his cock off. I have no idea what is going on in this particular scene, but I could watch it 100 times over.
Then we get a long stretch where it just turns into a war movie, various shootings and attacks and fighting. There's some glorious editing where when the Nazis get killed, it's old black and white stock footage from other war movies. Just fantastic. It's some spaghetti western/nazi war movie, hybrid.
Meanwhile, the Lieutenant has a bunch of rebel men and women captured and enduring some sort of torture orgy. Car batteries hooked up to to vaginas, the beast is doing some raping, men are being dunked in water with their cock and balls flopping around, rats are eating women alive. At one point the beast is so mad in heat that he starts pulling off a girls pubes and eating them. This movie is fantastic.
More horribly choreographed fight scenes occur in which the Nazis, despite being armed to the hilt and have a multiple man advantage, prefer hand to hand combat. Despite their being hundreds of Nazi soldiers, tanks and airplanes coming into the village, after one fight in which 2 Nazis are killed, the rebel leader exclaims, "those Krauts are on the retreat". Welp, I guess that's the end of the battle then.
As the film enters it's final act, the movie now transforms into The Magnificent 7 as a small group of rebels attempt to get into the Lieutenants castle and free the men and women she's torturing. There's a great moment here where one of the men throws a grenade, and we cut to stock footage film of Nazis being blown off of cobblestone steps. I've never seen a grenade thrown into a completely different movie before. Words can't express how awesome this is.
So a few of the rebels get into the torture room where the sexy lieutenant is having the beast rape one of the women, the men shoot the guards and the woman escapes. The lieutenant, who for whatever reason is only wearing a lab coat, with her boobs hanging out, is grabbed by the beast and drug into his cage where he proceeds to rape her as the rebels look on stone faced as she flails around and begs for help. The dubbing here is fantastic, it sounds like loops of a dude taking a violent dump.
A fantastic schlock fest. Part morality strewn war movie with a message, part sex romp with a genetically engineered rape monster. All of the women in the film are really pretty, and really nude. There's a good amount of silly gore and the war parts, while they go on for too long, are almost as entertaining due to the nonsensical nature of the story, editing and dubbing. Just a complete win all around.
We've got a lot of rape, like lots. Old ladies being shot and babies thrown up in the air for target practice. Marvelous dubbing in which the rebels all sound like they come from everywhere in the world but Italy. There's even one standout voice over that sounds more like he's defending Atlanta from the Union than Italy from the Nazis. There's a wonderful scene where one of the female rebels is undercover as the mistress of a Nazi officer and is gathering information to help the cause, she climbs on his stomach and bounces up and down in what I believe is intended to imply they are having intercourse. It looks more like she's trying to help him work out a fart. Imagine Hogans Heroes re imaged as torture porn with a dash of Benny Hill thrown in to keep the mood light.
The Lieutenant captures a group of men and we got a triple play of dong on display as she attempts to seduce information out of them by rubbing her boobs on them and biting their nipples. This sends one of the men into such a fit of lust that she has to cut his cock off. I have no idea what is going on in this particular scene, but I could watch it 100 times over.
Then we get a long stretch where it just turns into a war movie, various shootings and attacks and fighting. There's some glorious editing where when the Nazis get killed, it's old black and white stock footage from other war movies. Just fantastic. It's some spaghetti western/nazi war movie, hybrid.
Meanwhile, the Lieutenant has a bunch of rebel men and women captured and enduring some sort of torture orgy. Car batteries hooked up to to vaginas, the beast is doing some raping, men are being dunked in water with their cock and balls flopping around, rats are eating women alive. At one point the beast is so mad in heat that he starts pulling off a girls pubes and eating them. This movie is fantastic.
More horribly choreographed fight scenes occur in which the Nazis, despite being armed to the hilt and have a multiple man advantage, prefer hand to hand combat. Despite their being hundreds of Nazi soldiers, tanks and airplanes coming into the village, after one fight in which 2 Nazis are killed, the rebel leader exclaims, "those Krauts are on the retreat". Welp, I guess that's the end of the battle then.
As the film enters it's final act, the movie now transforms into The Magnificent 7 as a small group of rebels attempt to get into the Lieutenants castle and free the men and women she's torturing. There's a great moment here where one of the men throws a grenade, and we cut to stock footage film of Nazis being blown off of cobblestone steps. I've never seen a grenade thrown into a completely different movie before. Words can't express how awesome this is.
So a few of the rebels get into the torture room where the sexy lieutenant is having the beast rape one of the women, the men shoot the guards and the woman escapes. The lieutenant, who for whatever reason is only wearing a lab coat, with her boobs hanging out, is grabbed by the beast and drug into his cage where he proceeds to rape her as the rebels look on stone faced as she flails around and begs for help. The dubbing here is fantastic, it sounds like loops of a dude taking a violent dump.
A fantastic schlock fest. Part morality strewn war movie with a message, part sex romp with a genetically engineered rape monster. All of the women in the film are really pretty, and really nude. There's a good amount of silly gore and the war parts, while they go on for too long, are almost as entertaining due to the nonsensical nature of the story, editing and dubbing. Just a complete win all around.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
2013 Horror Fest: Tasmanian Devils: 45 Out Of 100 Stars
Made for Sci-Fi and starring Danica McKellar, Tasmania Devils is not a bad movie at all. Unfortunately it suffers from a lack of really fun gore and boobs, due to being a made for TV movie. But Winnie Cooper dressed in the tightest fitting park ranger uniform they could find helps elevates things. Oh yeah, she also does a very good job as the lead in helping carry the movie.
So a bunch of 20 something base jumpers fly out to Devils Peak, or whatever it's called, that big mountain in the middle of nowhere in Australia. Amusingly, as they fly in we see nothing but rock and sand, because it's the middle of the desert. But when the first jumper jumps, he jumps right into a forest, which.....I've never base jumped, but I don't think a forest is the ideal landing ground. Anyhoo, he ends up down in a cave where the rest of the group discovers that some sort of ancient animal is on the loose.
A group of 3 park rangers, including McKellar, head out to arrest the cliff jumpers and from there it turns into a chase and kill, and hide and meet cute type of film you'd expect.
The silly parts are pretty fun, including a hideously CGI'd monster that looks more like a baby dinosaur, and a gaggle of dumb plans and schemes to escape the monsters. The dialog and the acting are more than good enough to sort of keep you into the story. And as I said earlier, Danica does fine job of carrying the film with decent acting and deliciously sweaty breasts.
Nowhere near mind numbingly insulting as a lot of Sci-Fi fare, but still silly enough, with a good cast and script that moves things along, it's not great but it's not that bad either.
So a bunch of 20 something base jumpers fly out to Devils Peak, or whatever it's called, that big mountain in the middle of nowhere in Australia. Amusingly, as they fly in we see nothing but rock and sand, because it's the middle of the desert. But when the first jumper jumps, he jumps right into a forest, which.....I've never base jumped, but I don't think a forest is the ideal landing ground. Anyhoo, he ends up down in a cave where the rest of the group discovers that some sort of ancient animal is on the loose.
A group of 3 park rangers, including McKellar, head out to arrest the cliff jumpers and from there it turns into a chase and kill, and hide and meet cute type of film you'd expect.
The silly parts are pretty fun, including a hideously CGI'd monster that looks more like a baby dinosaur, and a gaggle of dumb plans and schemes to escape the monsters. The dialog and the acting are more than good enough to sort of keep you into the story. And as I said earlier, Danica does fine job of carrying the film with decent acting and deliciously sweaty breasts.
Nowhere near mind numbingly insulting as a lot of Sci-Fi fare, but still silly enough, with a good cast and script that moves things along, it's not great but it's not that bad either.
2013 Horror Fest: Infection, The Invasion Begins: 40 Out Of 100 Stars
Oh my. Oh mercy me. Written, Produced and starring Bryan Brewer, Infection is a captivating hodgepodge of bad writing, bad acting and hooorrrrribbblllle effects, and yet, on some level I have to applaud this Brewer guy for achieving something. I mean, here's a movie with his name on the marquee. My god is it an awful movie, and how delusional does he have to be to think that this is good, or had any reason to be made. But still, I applaud him.
Deke returns to his hometown after 10 years in prison for murder. Nobody in town wants him there, not his mom, not the sheriff, not his old pals, nobody except his old girlfriend, who may still harbor feelings for Deke.
This dude, bless him, I know he thinks Deke is a bad ass character, and I know he thinks he can pull it off, but my lord. Couldn't anyone pull him aside and suggest doing better things with his time and money?
Looking like he just stepped off the set of Saved By The Bell, Deke gives stern looks and plays the bad ass with a cool demeanor, the kind of guy we all wanted to be when we were 12. So Deke comes back into town at the same time a meteor with a payload of cosmic tapeworms crashes in the hills across the street from the diner his old girlfriend works in.
The thing I don't get is, this dude makes this movie, putting what had to have been a great deal of effort into it, and yet just about every scene and character motivation are pretty much lifted every bad movie you've ever seen, it's just that the acting here is worse. I could write forever about the nonsensical nature of just about every scene in the movie but that would take forever, so I'll just try and hit the high points.
Deke is super cool and he's having a bad day, we're reminded of this about 10 times during the film when Deke exclaims "this is not my day".
Deke gets into a fight with 3 guys who don't want him back in town, in the middle of the fight two of the guys get attacked by the worm monsters, Deke then walks 5 feet where the Sheriff is just hanging out, oblivious to anything.
Makeout Point is where the meteor crashed, it's also a moving spot of land, because no matter where the characters in the movie are, they're 20 feet from Makeout Point.
Deke and his girlfriend get help from an old high school friend who's still doing "that science thing", as Deke so eloquently puts it. We know he's a scientist because his trailer is full of beakers and X-Rays. It's here that Deke figures out that the worms can be killed by caffeine, because the scientist has been up all night drinking coffee, and the worms didn't kill him. Magnificent.
The Deputy gives Deke his gun because........well because Deke is a bad ass, and the only guy cool enough to go and make sure there aren't any monsters out.
Deke gets injured, for the sole apparent purpose of giving Bryan an excuse to take his shirt off.
Dekes mom is such a bad actress that I legit could not tell when she was and when she wasn't infected, it's highly plausible that the actress herself had no idea.
All of the effects look to be photo shopped, and not even well. The fire is green. Fire is not green. They may be the worst effects I've ever seen.
The only thing original about the movie is the story that bookends it, set way in the future and using graphics make the original Tron look like the new Tron. And it's fucking incomprehensible, so perhaps it was better that the body of the film was cut and paste. It also threatens us with a sequel.
OK, enough of that. Listen, it's humorous yes, but it's so drawn out and redundant and not for one single moment do you care about anything happening except to laugh at it. God bless you Bryan Brewer, you've made your movie. Now please don't ever make another one.
Deke returns to his hometown after 10 years in prison for murder. Nobody in town wants him there, not his mom, not the sheriff, not his old pals, nobody except his old girlfriend, who may still harbor feelings for Deke.
This dude, bless him, I know he thinks Deke is a bad ass character, and I know he thinks he can pull it off, but my lord. Couldn't anyone pull him aside and suggest doing better things with his time and money?
Looking like he just stepped off the set of Saved By The Bell, Deke gives stern looks and plays the bad ass with a cool demeanor, the kind of guy we all wanted to be when we were 12. So Deke comes back into town at the same time a meteor with a payload of cosmic tapeworms crashes in the hills across the street from the diner his old girlfriend works in.
The thing I don't get is, this dude makes this movie, putting what had to have been a great deal of effort into it, and yet just about every scene and character motivation are pretty much lifted every bad movie you've ever seen, it's just that the acting here is worse. I could write forever about the nonsensical nature of just about every scene in the movie but that would take forever, so I'll just try and hit the high points.
Deke is super cool and he's having a bad day, we're reminded of this about 10 times during the film when Deke exclaims "this is not my day".
Deke gets into a fight with 3 guys who don't want him back in town, in the middle of the fight two of the guys get attacked by the worm monsters, Deke then walks 5 feet where the Sheriff is just hanging out, oblivious to anything.
Makeout Point is where the meteor crashed, it's also a moving spot of land, because no matter where the characters in the movie are, they're 20 feet from Makeout Point.
Deke and his girlfriend get help from an old high school friend who's still doing "that science thing", as Deke so eloquently puts it. We know he's a scientist because his trailer is full of beakers and X-Rays. It's here that Deke figures out that the worms can be killed by caffeine, because the scientist has been up all night drinking coffee, and the worms didn't kill him. Magnificent.
The Deputy gives Deke his gun because........well because Deke is a bad ass, and the only guy cool enough to go and make sure there aren't any monsters out.
Deke gets injured, for the sole apparent purpose of giving Bryan an excuse to take his shirt off.
Dekes mom is such a bad actress that I legit could not tell when she was and when she wasn't infected, it's highly plausible that the actress herself had no idea.
All of the effects look to be photo shopped, and not even well. The fire is green. Fire is not green. They may be the worst effects I've ever seen.
The only thing original about the movie is the story that bookends it, set way in the future and using graphics make the original Tron look like the new Tron. And it's fucking incomprehensible, so perhaps it was better that the body of the film was cut and paste. It also threatens us with a sequel.
OK, enough of that. Listen, it's humorous yes, but it's so drawn out and redundant and not for one single moment do you care about anything happening except to laugh at it. God bless you Bryan Brewer, you've made your movie. Now please don't ever make another one.
2013 Horror Fest: Slasher House: 27 Out Of 100 Stars
I feel bad giving a rating this low to Slasher House. It's a competently made movie and the story may be more interesting than I'm giving it credit for, but the pacing and fact that I didn't give a single shit about any of the characters just killed it for me.
A bunch of people wake up in a house or a jail or a........I dunno what. Anyway they've all got their own story, only I didn't care. They walk, they search, it's very tightly shot, you never have any idea of the layout, it was just impossible for me to get into.
Stuff happens, but having no investment, I didn't much care. A lot of the dialog is pretty silly. It plods, there's a twist, the end. Meh.
A bunch of people wake up in a house or a jail or a........I dunno what. Anyway they've all got their own story, only I didn't care. They walk, they search, it's very tightly shot, you never have any idea of the layout, it was just impossible for me to get into.
Stuff happens, but having no investment, I didn't much care. A lot of the dialog is pretty silly. It plods, there's a twist, the end. Meh.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
2013 Horror Fest: Hatchet 3: 45 Out Of 100 Stars
Man, I really loved the first two Hatchets, so I was super pumped for this. Unfortunately it's just not that good.
It still has the winks and nods and fun kills of the first two, but there's just too much story here, story that's not very compelling at all.
The film picks up right at the end of Hatchet 2, Zack Galligan of Gremlins fame plays the local sheriff who sends a bunch of his men out to the swamp to deal with the massacre. So cops and EMT's show up and all hell breaks loose again. The kills are fun at first but eventually the barrage of tongue in cheek just gets a little nerve wracking. It's the 3rd time we've seen this stuff and it just feels like, OK, show me something different.
The dialog is the same way. It's funny at first when all the horror movie tropes are being pointed out by the cast, but it's so fucking verbose at times. We get it, we know why it's funny, we saw the first two movies. Maybe I was more irritated than I thought.
Anyway, the problem is that even when those parts of the movie are fun, they aren't focused on for very long. The main cruxt of the film is a newswoman, dead set on killing Victor Crowley, has a theory about his dads ashes and returning them to him to make his ghost killable, and it's rather insufferable. It isn't made any easier by the fact that the actress playing her is just nails on a chalkboard to listen to.
The beauty of the first Hatchet was how much fun it had with it's kills and characters, but as the franchise has progressed it's become more about the story, which was never all that interesting on it's own. It's pretty much descended at this point to a bunch of characters put on the screen who know they're gonna die. When everyone's in on the joke, what's the point of telling it?
A major letdown, Hatchet 3 still has some sparkle, but mostly it just fades.
It still has the winks and nods and fun kills of the first two, but there's just too much story here, story that's not very compelling at all.
The film picks up right at the end of Hatchet 2, Zack Galligan of Gremlins fame plays the local sheriff who sends a bunch of his men out to the swamp to deal with the massacre. So cops and EMT's show up and all hell breaks loose again. The kills are fun at first but eventually the barrage of tongue in cheek just gets a little nerve wracking. It's the 3rd time we've seen this stuff and it just feels like, OK, show me something different.
The dialog is the same way. It's funny at first when all the horror movie tropes are being pointed out by the cast, but it's so fucking verbose at times. We get it, we know why it's funny, we saw the first two movies. Maybe I was more irritated than I thought.
Anyway, the problem is that even when those parts of the movie are fun, they aren't focused on for very long. The main cruxt of the film is a newswoman, dead set on killing Victor Crowley, has a theory about his dads ashes and returning them to him to make his ghost killable, and it's rather insufferable. It isn't made any easier by the fact that the actress playing her is just nails on a chalkboard to listen to.
The beauty of the first Hatchet was how much fun it had with it's kills and characters, but as the franchise has progressed it's become more about the story, which was never all that interesting on it's own. It's pretty much descended at this point to a bunch of characters put on the screen who know they're gonna die. When everyone's in on the joke, what's the point of telling it?
A major letdown, Hatchet 3 still has some sparkle, but mostly it just fades.
2013 Horror Fest: Deadly Detour: 23 Out Of 100 Stars
Maniac Films, which I imagine is headquartered in someones bedroom, presents Deadly Detour. The budget is clearly low, but at least there's some effort, the problem is that it's really hard to do much with a cast that seems like it's been plucked out of an ICP concert.
The film starts out on a blind date that is pretty much just a dude parking his car in what is supposed to be the middle of nowhere, to get with this girl. The editing and acting are what you'd expect. Something bad happens to the couple and we get some gore that looks good, but is way overdone. Look at how much intestines we made!
So with that out of the way, we get to the cruxt of our story, as it were. 2 groups of people, and I use the term loosely, are on a road trip. Look, this is pretty much a bad student film, random things happen, like we see what is supposed to be a retarded fella in a wheelchair eating his own poop, he's shown for 3 seconds and never mentioned again. When they stop at a rest stop we see another group of people just hanging out, the two groups are never shown on screen together but they comment on each other, it's just so stilted and badly conceived.
I want to say the dialog is awful, but that would imply that I think there's an actual script, which I don't. They just say fuck and cock and shit a lot, laugh about getting high like they just discovered it, drink beer, and generally act like nobody you would ever want to be around for more than 2 minutes. Strip away every ounce of humanity in Jay and Silent Bob and you've got the cast of this lovely shit stain.
The result of what you'd imagine would happen if a bunch of 20 something stoners with no film making or acting experience decide to make a movie, Deadly Detour is more of a bad home movie than anything else.
The film starts out on a blind date that is pretty much just a dude parking his car in what is supposed to be the middle of nowhere, to get with this girl. The editing and acting are what you'd expect. Something bad happens to the couple and we get some gore that looks good, but is way overdone. Look at how much intestines we made!
So with that out of the way, we get to the cruxt of our story, as it were. 2 groups of people, and I use the term loosely, are on a road trip. Look, this is pretty much a bad student film, random things happen, like we see what is supposed to be a retarded fella in a wheelchair eating his own poop, he's shown for 3 seconds and never mentioned again. When they stop at a rest stop we see another group of people just hanging out, the two groups are never shown on screen together but they comment on each other, it's just so stilted and badly conceived.
I want to say the dialog is awful, but that would imply that I think there's an actual script, which I don't. They just say fuck and cock and shit a lot, laugh about getting high like they just discovered it, drink beer, and generally act like nobody you would ever want to be around for more than 2 minutes. Strip away every ounce of humanity in Jay and Silent Bob and you've got the cast of this lovely shit stain.
The result of what you'd imagine would happen if a bunch of 20 something stoners with no film making or acting experience decide to make a movie, Deadly Detour is more of a bad home movie than anything else.
2013 Horror Fest: Pray For Dawn 16 Out Of 100 Stars
Movies like this intrigue the fuck out of me. How did they get made? Who are the people making them? Why do they get made? What do the people involved, from those working the cameras, to those writing the script, to those putting up the money, think they're accomplishing?
The story of a Senators daughter who has run away from home to be a hooker but gets kidnapped by a psycho and forced to endure.......well to be honest, listening to her scream in broken English for the whole movie, it almost feels like to the torturer is getting the worst of it.
So here's what I'm wondering. Whoever made this shit obviously knew they had no money. Yet they still decided to make it a story about A United States Congressman. "We'll put one of those signs outside the house he lives in that say So And So For Congress, that will make it seem real!" Then to top it off, the exterior they use is of a random house on a random block that looks at much like a Senators house as it does the Queen Of England's.
So the Congressmans daughter runs away from home to be a hooker and promptly gets kidnapped. This girl. Let me tell you about this girl. She speaks with a heavy South American accent. This is explained away in a scene where her Father explains that she was born in Mexico and raised in Venezuela when he was ambassador there. It might explain the accent, but it doesn't explain why the hell her English is a broken mess. But who cares, it's important this movie be made. She yells "fuck" a lot, she gets tortured, if that's what you want to call it. Mostly she's just put in a room. The room she's in is tiny, most of the sets in the movie are small and very tightly shot. Anyway, the room she's in is brick covered in blankets, there's a scene in the film in which she tries to escape and takes about 10 days cutting through the blanket only to discover the brick wall. I had no idea what was happening there. There are other scenes where she does stuff, but it's so badly shot you can't tell what's going on. At one point she's either putting scrapings from the wall she's trying to dig through, or food, in the toilet. Problem is that the toilet is just a bucket with a toilet seat, so it's going anywhere, and it's not gonna stay hidden for long. As she's doing it, she's got this big blanket wrapped over her as she peeks her head out at the camera that's keeping tabs on her. She might was well stand up and say "Hey misser, I'ma hide someting in dis bucket".
So the Congressman has gone to the police but they don't have any leads, so he hires a detective. This is a brilliant scene in which the Senator, his wife, their bodyguard (he's got a black suit on, black sunglasses, and stands with his arms crossed in front of him, so you know he's a bodyguard) meet with the detective. The acting here is glorious, the Senator is tough, the wife is crying, the detective is inquisitive, and it's all so bloody awful. The premise is ridiculous, the acting is dreadful, the script seems to be cut and paste from various NYPD Blue episodes.
Did your daughter use drugs? He asked with a blank look on his face.
Has she ever threatened to run away from home? He asks, looking like he's dreaming of a meatball parm.
At one point our heroin attempts to commit suicide by hanging herself with a strand of torn sheet. So she sits on the bed, which is a normal sized bed, puts one end of the sheet on something on the ceiling, and then sits on the edge of the bed. Now I'm no Alfred Einstein, but the physics here don't make much sense at all.
There's a twist, but not really, because you see it coming a mile away. The narrative is so confused, it's a moral tale about how kids should do what their parents say and listen to them and yadda yadda, but it's not playing to kids. So, I don't know. I just don't know.
Anyway the movie wraps up by having the torturer explain everything he's done, then they show flashbacks of everything he's done, and this music plays over top of the montage that tries to make it look like there's some Usual Suspects level of kick ass reveal going on here. My lord.
A cheaply made, cheap looking, badly acted movie whose entire target audience seems to be the crew involved in making it. Pray For Dawn had me praying for credits.
The story of a Senators daughter who has run away from home to be a hooker but gets kidnapped by a psycho and forced to endure.......well to be honest, listening to her scream in broken English for the whole movie, it almost feels like to the torturer is getting the worst of it.
So here's what I'm wondering. Whoever made this shit obviously knew they had no money. Yet they still decided to make it a story about A United States Congressman. "We'll put one of those signs outside the house he lives in that say So And So For Congress, that will make it seem real!" Then to top it off, the exterior they use is of a random house on a random block that looks at much like a Senators house as it does the Queen Of England's.
So the Congressmans daughter runs away from home to be a hooker and promptly gets kidnapped. This girl. Let me tell you about this girl. She speaks with a heavy South American accent. This is explained away in a scene where her Father explains that she was born in Mexico and raised in Venezuela when he was ambassador there. It might explain the accent, but it doesn't explain why the hell her English is a broken mess. But who cares, it's important this movie be made. She yells "fuck" a lot, she gets tortured, if that's what you want to call it. Mostly she's just put in a room. The room she's in is tiny, most of the sets in the movie are small and very tightly shot. Anyway, the room she's in is brick covered in blankets, there's a scene in the film in which she tries to escape and takes about 10 days cutting through the blanket only to discover the brick wall. I had no idea what was happening there. There are other scenes where she does stuff, but it's so badly shot you can't tell what's going on. At one point she's either putting scrapings from the wall she's trying to dig through, or food, in the toilet. Problem is that the toilet is just a bucket with a toilet seat, so it's going anywhere, and it's not gonna stay hidden for long. As she's doing it, she's got this big blanket wrapped over her as she peeks her head out at the camera that's keeping tabs on her. She might was well stand up and say "Hey misser, I'ma hide someting in dis bucket".
So the Congressman has gone to the police but they don't have any leads, so he hires a detective. This is a brilliant scene in which the Senator, his wife, their bodyguard (he's got a black suit on, black sunglasses, and stands with his arms crossed in front of him, so you know he's a bodyguard) meet with the detective. The acting here is glorious, the Senator is tough, the wife is crying, the detective is inquisitive, and it's all so bloody awful. The premise is ridiculous, the acting is dreadful, the script seems to be cut and paste from various NYPD Blue episodes.
Did your daughter use drugs? He asked with a blank look on his face.
Has she ever threatened to run away from home? He asks, looking like he's dreaming of a meatball parm.
At one point our heroin attempts to commit suicide by hanging herself with a strand of torn sheet. So she sits on the bed, which is a normal sized bed, puts one end of the sheet on something on the ceiling, and then sits on the edge of the bed. Now I'm no Alfred Einstein, but the physics here don't make much sense at all.
There's a twist, but not really, because you see it coming a mile away. The narrative is so confused, it's a moral tale about how kids should do what their parents say and listen to them and yadda yadda, but it's not playing to kids. So, I don't know. I just don't know.
Anyway the movie wraps up by having the torturer explain everything he's done, then they show flashbacks of everything he's done, and this music plays over top of the montage that tries to make it look like there's some Usual Suspects level of kick ass reveal going on here. My lord.
A cheaply made, cheap looking, badly acted movie whose entire target audience seems to be the crew involved in making it. Pray For Dawn had me praying for credits.
Friday, October 18, 2013
2013 Horror Fest: Exit To Hell: 67 Out Of 100 Stars
Finally, a film I can actually recommend.
Gritty little grind house style movie that works more for it's ascetics than the actual story, although despite a bit of a letdown in that department, it still provides enough chills and thrills to get by.
Various lowlifes end up lost in a small town in the middle of nowhere in the Southwest.
The acting is solid, but the editing and fast pace of the film help hide the parts that aren't. Kane Hodder, the original Jason from Friday The 13th plays the physically imposing Sheriff who has a rather delicious way of dealing out justice. Tiffany Sheppis, who starred in Do Not Disturb, is once again really solid, and this time she's topless too, a double threat.
There's a good amount of fun, gore and nudity, and you can tell everyone involved in making this thing had a good time. My only complaint would be that there are a few too many characters that at times keep the story from being neater than it should. Hodders character particularly, along with his wife and kid, are marvelous, but have to share too much screen time during the films final 3rd with a gangster doing his best Scarface, if he were Russian.
Boobs, blood, creepy symbolism, fat kids eating people, Exit To Hell is delightfully fun.
Gritty little grind house style movie that works more for it's ascetics than the actual story, although despite a bit of a letdown in that department, it still provides enough chills and thrills to get by.
Various lowlifes end up lost in a small town in the middle of nowhere in the Southwest.
The acting is solid, but the editing and fast pace of the film help hide the parts that aren't. Kane Hodder, the original Jason from Friday The 13th plays the physically imposing Sheriff who has a rather delicious way of dealing out justice. Tiffany Sheppis, who starred in Do Not Disturb, is once again really solid, and this time she's topless too, a double threat.
There's a good amount of fun, gore and nudity, and you can tell everyone involved in making this thing had a good time. My only complaint would be that there are a few too many characters that at times keep the story from being neater than it should. Hodders character particularly, along with his wife and kid, are marvelous, but have to share too much screen time during the films final 3rd with a gangster doing his best Scarface, if he were Russian.
Boobs, blood, creepy symbolism, fat kids eating people, Exit To Hell is delightfully fun.
2013 Horror Fest: Heebie Jeebies: 58 Out Of 100 Stars
Set in the town of Golderton, yes Golderton. This Sci-Fiesque film is about a monster that has been trapped in an abandoned gold mine for over a century, but when new attempts at excavation set him free, watch out Golderton.
The monster, badly CGI'd, looks like a giant vagina with teeth, legs, and five heads. I don't know whether to award points for originality, or subtract points for absurdity. The cast is rather large, but filled with the only people in town who do anything. There's the round, boisterous, ready to have a heart attack in every scene, cowboy gold dealer, whose messing with the mine unleashes the beast. We have two cops, one of whom has a panic attack every time he gets nervous, which goes from being silly to annoying in very little time. We have an attractive Asian girl, who provides a twofer as the town coroner AND relaxation therapist, helping out our troubled cop. Then we have the younger siblings of all the characters, just because teenagers, why not. Oh, and Marion Ross has a brief appearance as a crotchety old lady. Nothing like seeing a giant vagina dismember Mrs. Cunningham.
So the creature escapes and starts dishing out some murder, while the anxiety ridden cop is given a history lesson by the grandmother of the Asian coroner, at least I think it's her grandmother, they never bother to let us know. There's 3 generations of Asian women all living in the same house but they all call each other by their first names so maybe the script just didn't get that far. Anyhoo, she explains that many years ago the mine collapsed, and instead of helping the men they just moved on to a different part of the cave and started blasting there, leaving the 5 men to die. Then the wife of one of the men put a curse on or something, and voila, monster. The monster is a manifestation of the mens fears, and it uses that fear to paralyze it's victims before devouring it, which is not good news at all for our already jittery cop. So after telling this long, insane, intensive story, when the old lady and the cop realize the kids have snuck out, she exclaims "they said something about going somewhere called the mine!" as if she had no idea what this place was.
The sheriff, upon finding a bloodbath at the mine, sends home the only other cop he has, because of his anxiety you see, and instead calls upon a bunch of cons and hunters to help him hunt down this creature. That's gotta violate some sort of union clause I would think. This posse is not real great though, because when a bunch of youngsters, including the cops hot little sister, the sheriffs son, and the youngest of the Asian family, head towards the mine to have a little sex party, they pass right by one of the guys whose entire attempt at stopping them consists of yelling "hey, that's private property", and then he keeps walking.
The ridiculousness just keeps piling on as we get plot points like the cop, knowing his little sister and a bunch of other kids are in trouble, instead of heading right out there, stops to try and convince the coroner/therapist to drive out there with him to calm his nerves. The cowboy gold dealer wanting to trap the monster because it bleeds gold, thus it can make him rich, and two of the cons from the posse finding the kids in the woods and deciding to forgo their regular raping ways and just steal their jeep.
It all leads to a final showdown in the mine where the cop has to deal with his anxiety issues to save the girl he loves from a giant 5 headed vagina monster, it's every bit as absurd as you'd imagine.
While it loses some charm in the fact that it makes no attempt to be good or make sense as a story, Heebie Jeebies is still a fair amount of dumb fun with a few decent kills and a good pace.
The monster, badly CGI'd, looks like a giant vagina with teeth, legs, and five heads. I don't know whether to award points for originality, or subtract points for absurdity. The cast is rather large, but filled with the only people in town who do anything. There's the round, boisterous, ready to have a heart attack in every scene, cowboy gold dealer, whose messing with the mine unleashes the beast. We have two cops, one of whom has a panic attack every time he gets nervous, which goes from being silly to annoying in very little time. We have an attractive Asian girl, who provides a twofer as the town coroner AND relaxation therapist, helping out our troubled cop. Then we have the younger siblings of all the characters, just because teenagers, why not. Oh, and Marion Ross has a brief appearance as a crotchety old lady. Nothing like seeing a giant vagina dismember Mrs. Cunningham.
So the creature escapes and starts dishing out some murder, while the anxiety ridden cop is given a history lesson by the grandmother of the Asian coroner, at least I think it's her grandmother, they never bother to let us know. There's 3 generations of Asian women all living in the same house but they all call each other by their first names so maybe the script just didn't get that far. Anyhoo, she explains that many years ago the mine collapsed, and instead of helping the men they just moved on to a different part of the cave and started blasting there, leaving the 5 men to die. Then the wife of one of the men put a curse on or something, and voila, monster. The monster is a manifestation of the mens fears, and it uses that fear to paralyze it's victims before devouring it, which is not good news at all for our already jittery cop. So after telling this long, insane, intensive story, when the old lady and the cop realize the kids have snuck out, she exclaims "they said something about going somewhere called the mine!" as if she had no idea what this place was.
The sheriff, upon finding a bloodbath at the mine, sends home the only other cop he has, because of his anxiety you see, and instead calls upon a bunch of cons and hunters to help him hunt down this creature. That's gotta violate some sort of union clause I would think. This posse is not real great though, because when a bunch of youngsters, including the cops hot little sister, the sheriffs son, and the youngest of the Asian family, head towards the mine to have a little sex party, they pass right by one of the guys whose entire attempt at stopping them consists of yelling "hey, that's private property", and then he keeps walking.
The ridiculousness just keeps piling on as we get plot points like the cop, knowing his little sister and a bunch of other kids are in trouble, instead of heading right out there, stops to try and convince the coroner/therapist to drive out there with him to calm his nerves. The cowboy gold dealer wanting to trap the monster because it bleeds gold, thus it can make him rich, and two of the cons from the posse finding the kids in the woods and deciding to forgo their regular raping ways and just steal their jeep.
It all leads to a final showdown in the mine where the cop has to deal with his anxiety issues to save the girl he loves from a giant 5 headed vagina monster, it's every bit as absurd as you'd imagine.
While it loses some charm in the fact that it makes no attempt to be good or make sense as a story, Heebie Jeebies is still a fair amount of dumb fun with a few decent kills and a good pace.
2013 Horror Fest: Do Not Disturb: 30 Out Of 100 Stars
Laughably ponderous, cheaply made film that plays more like something for the stage, maybe off off off off off Broadway, like in the Hudson.
The lead looks and acts like a mix of Roddy Piper and every male porn star you never enjoyed watching, with a dash of autism thrown in for good measure.
Anyway, he's supposed to be a fairly famous writer who is holed up on skid row doing bad things to bad stereotypes. The script is really bad and often contradicts itself while having no desire to explain any ones motivations. Tiffany Sheppis plays the agent of the writer, who, while having shit material to work with, really does a good job at trying to act like she's in a better movie.
Claustrophobicly shot, and way more in to it's own story than you'll ever be, Do Not Disturb is more like a warning than an advertisement.
The lead looks and acts like a mix of Roddy Piper and every male porn star you never enjoyed watching, with a dash of autism thrown in for good measure.
Anyway, he's supposed to be a fairly famous writer who is holed up on skid row doing bad things to bad stereotypes. The script is really bad and often contradicts itself while having no desire to explain any ones motivations. Tiffany Sheppis plays the agent of the writer, who, while having shit material to work with, really does a good job at trying to act like she's in a better movie.
Claustrophobicly shot, and way more in to it's own story than you'll ever be, Do Not Disturb is more like a warning than an advertisement.
2013 Horror Fest: Nothing Left To Fear: 44 Out Of 100 Stars
A better story than movie, produced by Guns 'N' Roses Slash, Nothing Left To Fear is the story of a pastor, his wife, and their 3 kids, who move to a quiet little country town under the auspice of taking over the Pastorship, unfortunately the towns folk have much more sinister motives.
Anne Heche gets top billing but her entire role seems to be delivering background momisms, "clean your room, haha", "Don't eat all those cookies, haha". She may be drunk.
At 1:40 minutes the film is way too long, 20-25 minutes less would have helped greatly. As it is, the pacing is pretty interminable, especially in the 2nd half of the film when shit starts going down. There are times when shit happens for no good reason other than just to prolong things. When the girl begs the guy to stop the car, and he does, only for them both to get out and him implore her to get back in the car, you kind of wanna kick your TV a little.
Rebekah Brandes, playing the older sister, is the real star of the film. She's got a good presence and she looks quite fetching in her tights jeans and tank top. The rest of the cast is serviceable, although the acting of the younger brother becomes quite an irritation near the end of the movie.
The effects are solid, and the gore is pretty decent if a little tame. Brandes is very sultry but there's no nudity. The pacing is a major issue but the film looks good.
Nothing Left To Fear is a decent story, buried in a movie that at once, takes too long to tell it, and doesn't flesh it out enough. You'll get drawn into the set up, but ultimately be let down.
Anne Heche gets top billing but her entire role seems to be delivering background momisms, "clean your room, haha", "Don't eat all those cookies, haha". She may be drunk.
At 1:40 minutes the film is way too long, 20-25 minutes less would have helped greatly. As it is, the pacing is pretty interminable, especially in the 2nd half of the film when shit starts going down. There are times when shit happens for no good reason other than just to prolong things. When the girl begs the guy to stop the car, and he does, only for them both to get out and him implore her to get back in the car, you kind of wanna kick your TV a little.
Rebekah Brandes, playing the older sister, is the real star of the film. She's got a good presence and she looks quite fetching in her tights jeans and tank top. The rest of the cast is serviceable, although the acting of the younger brother becomes quite an irritation near the end of the movie.
The effects are solid, and the gore is pretty decent if a little tame. Brandes is very sultry but there's no nudity. The pacing is a major issue but the film looks good.
Nothing Left To Fear is a decent story, buried in a movie that at once, takes too long to tell it, and doesn't flesh it out enough. You'll get drawn into the set up, but ultimately be let down.
2013 Horror Fest: Deranged: 39 Out Of 100 Stars
Fascinating train wreck about 4 woman who convene on a vacation house for a weekend to celebrate the impending nuptials of one of them.
The cast is eclectic, the lead is Brazilian although I was sure she was Asian till about halfway through the movie. I believe there 2 Australians and 1 Scottish girl, although she may be Australian too.
Anyhoo, the lead, the Brazilian, is about a 7/10 on the Wiseau scale. I'm assuming she's a horrible actress, but perhaps it's just that her English is horrible. At times it appears she's just trying to make the correct words, forgetting entirely about what emotion she's supposed to be conveying.
So yeah, the lead is a joy to watch, unfortunately she's not around for a good stretch of the film, leaving the other 3 girls, all pretty bad in their own right, to run around and not do much of anything.
The script is pretty awful as they all have their stock personality traits, and interact with each other as if they've just met for the first time when they're supposed to be longtime friends, even though it appears as if they don't like each other much at all. There are a few promising moments where you think some action might break out but inevitably they end up doing more talking about doing stuff than actually doing stuff.
There's a fine set of breasts on display at one point, but that's about it, because why get 4 attractive women who can't act, to star in your movie if you don't want them to get naked either.
Enough hot chicks, bad acting and sexy accents to at least keep you interested up to a certain point, but The Deranged doesn't offer much more.
The cast is eclectic, the lead is Brazilian although I was sure she was Asian till about halfway through the movie. I believe there 2 Australians and 1 Scottish girl, although she may be Australian too.
Anyhoo, the lead, the Brazilian, is about a 7/10 on the Wiseau scale. I'm assuming she's a horrible actress, but perhaps it's just that her English is horrible. At times it appears she's just trying to make the correct words, forgetting entirely about what emotion she's supposed to be conveying.
So yeah, the lead is a joy to watch, unfortunately she's not around for a good stretch of the film, leaving the other 3 girls, all pretty bad in their own right, to run around and not do much of anything.
The script is pretty awful as they all have their stock personality traits, and interact with each other as if they've just met for the first time when they're supposed to be longtime friends, even though it appears as if they don't like each other much at all. There are a few promising moments where you think some action might break out but inevitably they end up doing more talking about doing stuff than actually doing stuff.
There's a fine set of breasts on display at one point, but that's about it, because why get 4 attractive women who can't act, to star in your movie if you don't want them to get naked either.
Enough hot chicks, bad acting and sexy accents to at least keep you interested up to a certain point, but The Deranged doesn't offer much more.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
2013 Horror Fest: Dracula Reborn: 39 Out Of 100 Stars
Have you ever said to yourself, "Ya know, I really like skinemax movies, I just wish they didn't have all that nudity and sex". Well you're in luck.
The first hour or so moves slower than a sumo marathon as we're introduced to a realty agent who sells an old building to a creepy dude. That creepy dude is of course Dracula, who takes a liking to the agents wife. As I said, the set up takes what feels like forever, the actors are fine enough but none of them have much presence at all, especially the wife, who isn't in any way sexy, alluring, captivating, or any of the things the script treats her as.
Just like your basic skinemax movie, all the scenes that are supposed to be in offices, either a doctors office or the agents office, look more like the corner of someones living room.
The script itself is extremely basic and doesn't do much at with the Dracula myth except retell it rather blandly.
Once the movie "picks up", in the last half hour or so, we're at least treated some over the top acting that will illicit a chuckle, especially with the introduction of the Van Helsing character, who looks like he just wandered in off the set of a Durango commercial. There is some tease of decent drama and action near the end, but it gets overshadowed by the bad acting and pedestrian script.
At times bad enough for a chuckle, but never good enough to actually care much about, Dracula Reborn is just fang less.
The first hour or so moves slower than a sumo marathon as we're introduced to a realty agent who sells an old building to a creepy dude. That creepy dude is of course Dracula, who takes a liking to the agents wife. As I said, the set up takes what feels like forever, the actors are fine enough but none of them have much presence at all, especially the wife, who isn't in any way sexy, alluring, captivating, or any of the things the script treats her as.
Just like your basic skinemax movie, all the scenes that are supposed to be in offices, either a doctors office or the agents office, look more like the corner of someones living room.
The script itself is extremely basic and doesn't do much at with the Dracula myth except retell it rather blandly.
Once the movie "picks up", in the last half hour or so, we're at least treated some over the top acting that will illicit a chuckle, especially with the introduction of the Van Helsing character, who looks like he just wandered in off the set of a Durango commercial. There is some tease of decent drama and action near the end, but it gets overshadowed by the bad acting and pedestrian script.
At times bad enough for a chuckle, but never good enough to actually care much about, Dracula Reborn is just fang less.
2013 Horror Fest: Bloody Homecoming: 44 Out Of 100 Stars
Another awful movie, but at least this one was enjoyably awful.
Low budget, but made well enough for it not to be a distraction, Bloody Homecoming is the story of a boy who is killed by a fire when he's locked in a closet by a group of Freshman on Prom Night after he tries to rape one of them. 4 years later, again on prom night, someone is looking for revenge.
Your typical slash and chase film, Bloody Homecoming is elevated to watchable by a cadre of bad performances, including a principal who waddles about and believes constantly bellowing your lines is a serviceable acting technique. Then we have a dude who looks like Morton Downey shrunk down to 8th grade size, trying to play a high school senior, who has some of the best reaction shots I've ever seen.
The movies biggest flaw is actually a complete lack of extras. There are scenes, mainly the prom scene, where there are like, 10 other people in the room, all bunched together. There's a particularly chubby lass who is seen over and over again always standing with the same two other people. The cheerleaders, all 4 of them, gather near a tree to practice. The big football game, taking place prior to the prom, is heard, but not seen. That's OK though, because we're only introduced to one football player throughout the entire movie.
We're introduced to the football coach near the end of the movie who has a bizarre exchange with a teacher about the one time they had sex in which both actors play it like it's a crucial point of the story, when in fact it just happens out of nowhere and is never touched on again, just awesome. There's a great scene involving the principal and the father of the boy who died, who also happens to be the sheriff, in which I was sure at least one of the actors was going to pop a blood vessel.
Here's the thing, if you don't have the manpower to do it, why the fuck are you setting this thing in the middle of a prom? The killer and the kids all seem to exist in a vacuum of their own during the prom, nobody else pays attention to them, nobody suspects anything, the hallways are empty, there are like 3 teachers manning a table with one punch bowl. It's absolutely impossible to get invested in any of it.
The acting ranges from decent to awful, the gore and the kills are about in the same range. There's a scene of random nudity and a some sex, but nothing titillating. The twist at the end and the actual fight scenes are bad, but funny bad. The showdown between the students and the killer is played super serious, which makes it so very amusing.
So yeah, Bloody Homecoming tries, but everything about it is just too lacking to overcome the abundant silliness. Still, if silly sounds like fun, you could do worse.
Low budget, but made well enough for it not to be a distraction, Bloody Homecoming is the story of a boy who is killed by a fire when he's locked in a closet by a group of Freshman on Prom Night after he tries to rape one of them. 4 years later, again on prom night, someone is looking for revenge.
Your typical slash and chase film, Bloody Homecoming is elevated to watchable by a cadre of bad performances, including a principal who waddles about and believes constantly bellowing your lines is a serviceable acting technique. Then we have a dude who looks like Morton Downey shrunk down to 8th grade size, trying to play a high school senior, who has some of the best reaction shots I've ever seen.
The movies biggest flaw is actually a complete lack of extras. There are scenes, mainly the prom scene, where there are like, 10 other people in the room, all bunched together. There's a particularly chubby lass who is seen over and over again always standing with the same two other people. The cheerleaders, all 4 of them, gather near a tree to practice. The big football game, taking place prior to the prom, is heard, but not seen. That's OK though, because we're only introduced to one football player throughout the entire movie.
We're introduced to the football coach near the end of the movie who has a bizarre exchange with a teacher about the one time they had sex in which both actors play it like it's a crucial point of the story, when in fact it just happens out of nowhere and is never touched on again, just awesome. There's a great scene involving the principal and the father of the boy who died, who also happens to be the sheriff, in which I was sure at least one of the actors was going to pop a blood vessel.
Here's the thing, if you don't have the manpower to do it, why the fuck are you setting this thing in the middle of a prom? The killer and the kids all seem to exist in a vacuum of their own during the prom, nobody else pays attention to them, nobody suspects anything, the hallways are empty, there are like 3 teachers manning a table with one punch bowl. It's absolutely impossible to get invested in any of it.
The acting ranges from decent to awful, the gore and the kills are about in the same range. There's a scene of random nudity and a some sex, but nothing titillating. The twist at the end and the actual fight scenes are bad, but funny bad. The showdown between the students and the killer is played super serious, which makes it so very amusing.
So yeah, Bloody Homecoming tries, but everything about it is just too lacking to overcome the abundant silliness. Still, if silly sounds like fun, you could do worse.
2013 Horror Fest: Gnaw: 28 Out Of 100
I'll give Gnaw one thing, it sure is gross.
British slasher film that sends a group of youngsters out into the middle of the countryside for a weekend retreat. Everything about it is fine enough I suppose but besides the copious gore it doesn't really draw you in at all. There's a story involving a girl who might be pregnant and the loser who has a thing for her but other than that, most of the characters are shallow dicks so you aren't really assed with what happens to them and there isn't much in the way of drama.
Uninspired and uninspiring, with no sex or nudity, Gnaw just eats way for 90 minutes but doesn't have much flavor.
British slasher film that sends a group of youngsters out into the middle of the countryside for a weekend retreat. Everything about it is fine enough I suppose but besides the copious gore it doesn't really draw you in at all. There's a story involving a girl who might be pregnant and the loser who has a thing for her but other than that, most of the characters are shallow dicks so you aren't really assed with what happens to them and there isn't much in the way of drama.
Uninspired and uninspiring, with no sex or nudity, Gnaw just eats way for 90 minutes but doesn't have much flavor.
2013 Horror Fest: The Demented: 30 Out Of 100 Stars
Pedantic, rather by the numbers zombie chase fest that has a pretty cool set up but fails to deliver much more than the typical zombie movie tropes with no real heart, no real investment in the characters and takes itself way more seriously than it should.
3 pairs of college age couples converge on the summer house of one of the dudes fathers for nice weekend when a missile attack occurs somewhere in the bayou. The missiles, for whatever reason, set off a zombie plague and away we go.
The actors are all good enough and the women look good, although despite some early tease there's no skin or frolicking to be had. The movie itself also looks good and everything is top notch from a technical aspect but there's just nothing here that hasn't been done a thousand times before.
At the end of the day, The Demented offers nothing new, while not being bad enough to enjoy in any sort of kitsch way. It's just boring.
3 pairs of college age couples converge on the summer house of one of the dudes fathers for nice weekend when a missile attack occurs somewhere in the bayou. The missiles, for whatever reason, set off a zombie plague and away we go.
The actors are all good enough and the women look good, although despite some early tease there's no skin or frolicking to be had. The movie itself also looks good and everything is top notch from a technical aspect but there's just nothing here that hasn't been done a thousand times before.
At the end of the day, The Demented offers nothing new, while not being bad enough to enjoy in any sort of kitsch way. It's just boring.
2013 Horror Fest: 9 Days Whipped Tortured And Chained By A Psychopath: 43 Out Of 100 Stars
Low budget psychological thriller about a dude who kidnaps a runaway and.....well the title pretty much says it all.
The first 10 minutes of the movie are both silly and technically horrid, every scene in which the two leads are not in the same shot, and thus needs to be edited to make the conversation flow, are pretty bad. Fortunately, as I said, that's mostly just the first 10 minutes.
The male lead is really strong, and the material he has to work with isn't awful, although it's not nearly fleshed out enough to really make you care all that much about the victim, but it did keep me from turning the movie off, which says a lot considering how it starts.
The girl who plays the victim isn't as strong an actor, although she is willing to be quite naked for a lot of the movie. She's not that attractive but she does have a kicking body.
There's not much meat to the movie, and I didn't care much whether the girl lived or died at the end but I was never quite bored, so that's a positive. The lead and the ambiance are good, but in the end I just can't recommend it, the set up is too cheesy, the motivations are never quite clear beyond "he's crazy", and the tension levels just aren't high enough, but it gets an A for effort.
The first 10 minutes of the movie are both silly and technically horrid, every scene in which the two leads are not in the same shot, and thus needs to be edited to make the conversation flow, are pretty bad. Fortunately, as I said, that's mostly just the first 10 minutes.
The male lead is really strong, and the material he has to work with isn't awful, although it's not nearly fleshed out enough to really make you care all that much about the victim, but it did keep me from turning the movie off, which says a lot considering how it starts.
The girl who plays the victim isn't as strong an actor, although she is willing to be quite naked for a lot of the movie. She's not that attractive but she does have a kicking body.
There's not much meat to the movie, and I didn't care much whether the girl lived or died at the end but I was never quite bored, so that's a positive. The lead and the ambiance are good, but in the end I just can't recommend it, the set up is too cheesy, the motivations are never quite clear beyond "he's crazy", and the tension levels just aren't high enough, but it gets an A for effort.
2013 Horror Fest: Detention Of The Dead: 40 Out Of 100 Stars
Weird film that is really well made, and full of great gore and kills, but whose story is too teen centric for my tastes. It plays like an ABC Family movie with an R rating.
A group of kids are in detention when a zombie outbreak occurs, how or why is any ones guess, but the movie wastes no time in setting up it's premise. It only takes about 5 minutes before we're full steam into it, and I appreciate that.
All the actors are good, but the story is a bit all over the place, at times after school special, at times a satire of after school specials, it fluctuates way too much and tends to drag. But there are a lot of funny jokes and as I said earlier, the gore is top notch.
My guess is that the younger you are, the more you'll like this movie, and while I wouldn't recommend it anyone my age or with my sensibilities, I can see how some people could enjoy it.
A group of kids are in detention when a zombie outbreak occurs, how or why is any ones guess, but the movie wastes no time in setting up it's premise. It only takes about 5 minutes before we're full steam into it, and I appreciate that.
All the actors are good, but the story is a bit all over the place, at times after school special, at times a satire of after school specials, it fluctuates way too much and tends to drag. But there are a lot of funny jokes and as I said earlier, the gore is top notch.
My guess is that the younger you are, the more you'll like this movie, and while I wouldn't recommend it anyone my age or with my sensibilities, I can see how some people could enjoy it.
Monday, October 14, 2013
2013 Horror Fest: Hayride 5 Out Of 100 Stars
Oh Dear, Horror Fest 2013 is not starting out so great. Here we have a movie starring the great Richard Tyson about a killer on the loose during a haunted hayride. The premise almost gave me an erection. And then I watched it.
Hoo boy, where do I begin. Firstly, this project appears to have a budget somewhere between none and pizzas and beer at the wrap party. I'd bet my left nut that a few peoples credit cards were maxed out to pay Richard Tysons salary. But good for him, he deserves the money more than these idiots do.
The cameras being used are slightly above home video caliber, so there's that to deal with. Then the editing is choppy and stilted and the sound tends to drop in and out depending on who is talking. But this all technical shit and even a really bad technical movie can overcome those faults, just not this doozy.
So a dude returns to his Uncles farm, where he grew up, with his girlfriend in tow. Tyson plays the Uncle, who every year runs a haunted hayride with friends and family. Let me back up, before we're introduced to any of these characters we're treated to an opening where a guy who has slaughtered a number of women, is being transported to jail. The cop car that he's in goes off the road somehow (we're never shown the crash, that would cost money), allowing the lunatic to escape. Now we meet the rest of the cast.
So Tyson and his nephew and a bunch of other characters talk, and talk, and talk and talk and reminisce and Tyson tells the story of one of the characters in his Hayride and we're treated to flash backs or fantasy sequences about someone who lived around here who went nuts when his daughter skipped town with her boyfriend. The guy went so looney that he went from house to house wearing a sack on his head and killing people with a pitchfork or some shit, I dunno, there's so much story and myth here that I'm sure sounded good to the writers when they were sitting around stoned trying to come up with an idea for a movie. So yeah, the character in the hayride is named Pitchfork, and he wears a sack on his head. Now the escaped lunatic has stumbled onto the farm and of course the first thing he does is find the outfit for Pitchfork. Why he would see a burlap sack sitting around and decide to wear it is beyond me, but hey, he's the lunatic.
Now, then, if we just focused on the farm and the hayride and the killer, the movie would still suck, but maybe it wouldn't suck so bad. But no, instead we're treated to lots of scenes with cops chasing the escaped lunatic. Except like I said, there's no budget, so we don't see a manhunt, see two cops talking about a manhunt. And talking, and talking, and sleeping in their car, for what reason I don't know. The acting and the cinematography are all pretty damn bad, but more than that it's the endless narrative. This film would make a great book on tape.
When we finally see cops, they all look to be about 20 years old, with various words on their shirts like "sheriff" and "police" and they all seem like their costumes were bought at goodwill. They too, are deficient in their acting skills. When they think they have the lunatic cornered, coincidentally at the same house that Pitchfork used to live in, they raid it while the two lead cops stand outside and do some more talking. They think they're close so they talk some more about road blocks and they talk some more about this and they talk some more about that. Jesus Christ this movie is going to great lengths to not do anything.
So back at the hayride, Tyson gives a prep talk and we're treated to a few scenes of mild fun as we see the hayride in action, but again, the amount of space they have to work with is so limited that it just comes off looking cheesy. With a killer on the loose you might think that some good kills would liven this dud up, but no, the kills are really bad. I'm talking, reallllly bad. We see a guy push a pitchfork toward someone laying on the ground and we see him holding the pitchfork on his neck and shaking. The kills are shit and the gore is non existent.
Sweet lord this damn thing is so bad. Those teenage cops are moving through the woods wearing black shirts and khakis, so they sort of look like cops. They must be right out of the academy because when the 5 of them are confronted by pitchfork in an area roughly the size of my living room, and despite all having guns at the ready, well I don't want to spoil it.
Back at the hayride, people are missing so Tyson convenes everyone in the same spot where he gave his speech before the ride began and gives another speech. I want to note that the one place in this film where people should seem excited and boisterous, on the actual hayride, we get interminable shots of people standing around saying nothing waiting to get on the ride, and interminable shots of people sitting on the ride, doing nothing, just looking around into the night.
So this grand haunted hayride seems to have served about 16 people throughout the night, and now more people are disappearing and turning up dead, and Tyson and Pitchfork have a showdown in a scene that is about as awful a fight scene as I've ever seen, legit. Meanwhile we see people on the hayride struggle to run. A lot of people have a hard time running in this movie.
So Pitchfork, despite killing everyone he's come in contact with so far, decides to kidnap the girlfriend of the Nephew. Perhaps he's seen the movie and knows those are the central characters. This of course leads to the Nephew chasing down Pitchfork and engaging in what I believe the script might describe as an action scene, it would be wrong. I mean, the level of film making here is so beyond amateur. I'm fairly convinced the people making this had never held a camera or done any film editing prior to shooting this......movie?
Ok ok ok, so the guy and his girlfriend succeed in killing Pitchfork, then they huddle on the ground and laugh and giggle about what a night it's been, like they left their keys in the car or something. Then she says she's pregnant and he giggles and says "even after all this, that's still terrifying". And they laugh. And I don't know what the fuck I'm watching.
The cops show up at the end and do some more talking, wrapping the story up just in case the viewers have been slamming their heads against a wall for the past 90 minutes and haven't been paying attention. We get a nice concerto that plays over a montage of body bags being zipped up and actors acting like they're upset, albeit badly. And lastly we get a twist that not a person watching could give a fuck about.
If you want to watch the results of what happens when a bunch of people with no film making ability, come up with a bad story and enough money to hire Richard Tyson to be in their film, but have no idea how to actually make one, then this is the baby for you. I normally love movies this bad and have no problem recommending them, the problem here is that the actual technical aspects are as absurdly bad as the story is, making it very hard to watch or enjoy on any level. Jamming an actual pitchfork into your balls might be a more enjoyable way to spend an evening.
Hoo boy, where do I begin. Firstly, this project appears to have a budget somewhere between none and pizzas and beer at the wrap party. I'd bet my left nut that a few peoples credit cards were maxed out to pay Richard Tysons salary. But good for him, he deserves the money more than these idiots do.
The cameras being used are slightly above home video caliber, so there's that to deal with. Then the editing is choppy and stilted and the sound tends to drop in and out depending on who is talking. But this all technical shit and even a really bad technical movie can overcome those faults, just not this doozy.
So a dude returns to his Uncles farm, where he grew up, with his girlfriend in tow. Tyson plays the Uncle, who every year runs a haunted hayride with friends and family. Let me back up, before we're introduced to any of these characters we're treated to an opening where a guy who has slaughtered a number of women, is being transported to jail. The cop car that he's in goes off the road somehow (we're never shown the crash, that would cost money), allowing the lunatic to escape. Now we meet the rest of the cast.
So Tyson and his nephew and a bunch of other characters talk, and talk, and talk and talk and reminisce and Tyson tells the story of one of the characters in his Hayride and we're treated to flash backs or fantasy sequences about someone who lived around here who went nuts when his daughter skipped town with her boyfriend. The guy went so looney that he went from house to house wearing a sack on his head and killing people with a pitchfork or some shit, I dunno, there's so much story and myth here that I'm sure sounded good to the writers when they were sitting around stoned trying to come up with an idea for a movie. So yeah, the character in the hayride is named Pitchfork, and he wears a sack on his head. Now the escaped lunatic has stumbled onto the farm and of course the first thing he does is find the outfit for Pitchfork. Why he would see a burlap sack sitting around and decide to wear it is beyond me, but hey, he's the lunatic.
Now, then, if we just focused on the farm and the hayride and the killer, the movie would still suck, but maybe it wouldn't suck so bad. But no, instead we're treated to lots of scenes with cops chasing the escaped lunatic. Except like I said, there's no budget, so we don't see a manhunt, see two cops talking about a manhunt. And talking, and talking, and sleeping in their car, for what reason I don't know. The acting and the cinematography are all pretty damn bad, but more than that it's the endless narrative. This film would make a great book on tape.
When we finally see cops, they all look to be about 20 years old, with various words on their shirts like "sheriff" and "police" and they all seem like their costumes were bought at goodwill. They too, are deficient in their acting skills. When they think they have the lunatic cornered, coincidentally at the same house that Pitchfork used to live in, they raid it while the two lead cops stand outside and do some more talking. They think they're close so they talk some more about road blocks and they talk some more about this and they talk some more about that. Jesus Christ this movie is going to great lengths to not do anything.
So back at the hayride, Tyson gives a prep talk and we're treated to a few scenes of mild fun as we see the hayride in action, but again, the amount of space they have to work with is so limited that it just comes off looking cheesy. With a killer on the loose you might think that some good kills would liven this dud up, but no, the kills are really bad. I'm talking, reallllly bad. We see a guy push a pitchfork toward someone laying on the ground and we see him holding the pitchfork on his neck and shaking. The kills are shit and the gore is non existent.
Sweet lord this damn thing is so bad. Those teenage cops are moving through the woods wearing black shirts and khakis, so they sort of look like cops. They must be right out of the academy because when the 5 of them are confronted by pitchfork in an area roughly the size of my living room, and despite all having guns at the ready, well I don't want to spoil it.
Back at the hayride, people are missing so Tyson convenes everyone in the same spot where he gave his speech before the ride began and gives another speech. I want to note that the one place in this film where people should seem excited and boisterous, on the actual hayride, we get interminable shots of people standing around saying nothing waiting to get on the ride, and interminable shots of people sitting on the ride, doing nothing, just looking around into the night.
So this grand haunted hayride seems to have served about 16 people throughout the night, and now more people are disappearing and turning up dead, and Tyson and Pitchfork have a showdown in a scene that is about as awful a fight scene as I've ever seen, legit. Meanwhile we see people on the hayride struggle to run. A lot of people have a hard time running in this movie.
So Pitchfork, despite killing everyone he's come in contact with so far, decides to kidnap the girlfriend of the Nephew. Perhaps he's seen the movie and knows those are the central characters. This of course leads to the Nephew chasing down Pitchfork and engaging in what I believe the script might describe as an action scene, it would be wrong. I mean, the level of film making here is so beyond amateur. I'm fairly convinced the people making this had never held a camera or done any film editing prior to shooting this......movie?
Ok ok ok, so the guy and his girlfriend succeed in killing Pitchfork, then they huddle on the ground and laugh and giggle about what a night it's been, like they left their keys in the car or something. Then she says she's pregnant and he giggles and says "even after all this, that's still terrifying". And they laugh. And I don't know what the fuck I'm watching.
The cops show up at the end and do some more talking, wrapping the story up just in case the viewers have been slamming their heads against a wall for the past 90 minutes and haven't been paying attention. We get a nice concerto that plays over a montage of body bags being zipped up and actors acting like they're upset, albeit badly. And lastly we get a twist that not a person watching could give a fuck about.
If you want to watch the results of what happens when a bunch of people with no film making ability, come up with a bad story and enough money to hire Richard Tyson to be in their film, but have no idea how to actually make one, then this is the baby for you. I normally love movies this bad and have no problem recommending them, the problem here is that the actual technical aspects are as absurdly bad as the story is, making it very hard to watch or enjoy on any level. Jamming an actual pitchfork into your balls might be a more enjoyable way to spend an evening.
Sunday, October 13, 2013
2013 Horror Fest: Lost Lake: 15 Out Of 100 Stars
Boring attempt at a horror movie that feels closer to 3 hours than the actual 80 minute run time.
A young couple played by two unassuming, not very good actors, are about to get married. But she just can't walk down the aisle without her Uncle, who was last heard from in a deserted town near Death Valley while ghost hunting. So they decide to go and find him.
Once they get there and meet up with dear old Uncle, he tells them a story about a woman who was killed by the townsfolk a long time ago and comes back from the mountains where she was buried to haunt the town on Holidays, and it just happens to be the 4th of July. I have no idea why the thing about Holidays is important. Why the town is abandoned, when the town was abandoned is never really touched upon, although the "Free Wi-Fi" sign hanging in the window of a restaurant would suggest it was pretty recent and just serves to make the story appear even less thought out.
So Uncle wants the kids to help him document the appearance of the ghost if she does, in fact, return to town. And he's so excited that they have cell phones with video. He may be the worst ghost hunter ever. Then we get a "twist" and the ensuing 45 minutes of the film drags on forever and ever and none of the characters are worth giving two shits about but we get a ton of running, hiding and what it seems the director thinks is action.
The female lead, outside of wearing short shorts and a tank top the whole film, just isn't very good. She always seems about two emotions behind, although to be fair, her motivations aren't made real clear by the script. The male lead, looking like he was just kicked out of Vampire Weekend, is sort of just there. The Uncle is good, but he's mainly just playing goofy so it's not like he can do much to elevate whatever tension or drama the script thinks it has.
The rest is just boring point A to point B filler. The film isn't gory, scary or tense, although it thinks it is. There are a lot of minor, but glaring issues with consistency such as the guy having no idea what Fantasy Island is, but being perfectly familiar with The Brady Bunch. Although when she says "you know, the plane, the plane", to describe Fantasy Island, I'm not sure she knows what it is either. He takes off his shirt to help tie off her wound, and then in the next scene he's wearing his shirt again. Shit happens for no apparent reason that seems to only exist in order to fill out the films run time. I'm writing an awful lot for such a boring movie.
So yeah, a movie with no reason to exist, with leads who have no reason to be acting. There's simply no reason to go out of your way to find Lost Lake, it'll just bore you to death.
A young couple played by two unassuming, not very good actors, are about to get married. But she just can't walk down the aisle without her Uncle, who was last heard from in a deserted town near Death Valley while ghost hunting. So they decide to go and find him.
Once they get there and meet up with dear old Uncle, he tells them a story about a woman who was killed by the townsfolk a long time ago and comes back from the mountains where she was buried to haunt the town on Holidays, and it just happens to be the 4th of July. I have no idea why the thing about Holidays is important. Why the town is abandoned, when the town was abandoned is never really touched upon, although the "Free Wi-Fi" sign hanging in the window of a restaurant would suggest it was pretty recent and just serves to make the story appear even less thought out.
So Uncle wants the kids to help him document the appearance of the ghost if she does, in fact, return to town. And he's so excited that they have cell phones with video. He may be the worst ghost hunter ever. Then we get a "twist" and the ensuing 45 minutes of the film drags on forever and ever and none of the characters are worth giving two shits about but we get a ton of running, hiding and what it seems the director thinks is action.
The female lead, outside of wearing short shorts and a tank top the whole film, just isn't very good. She always seems about two emotions behind, although to be fair, her motivations aren't made real clear by the script. The male lead, looking like he was just kicked out of Vampire Weekend, is sort of just there. The Uncle is good, but he's mainly just playing goofy so it's not like he can do much to elevate whatever tension or drama the script thinks it has.
The rest is just boring point A to point B filler. The film isn't gory, scary or tense, although it thinks it is. There are a lot of minor, but glaring issues with consistency such as the guy having no idea what Fantasy Island is, but being perfectly familiar with The Brady Bunch. Although when she says "you know, the plane, the plane", to describe Fantasy Island, I'm not sure she knows what it is either. He takes off his shirt to help tie off her wound, and then in the next scene he's wearing his shirt again. Shit happens for no apparent reason that seems to only exist in order to fill out the films run time. I'm writing an awful lot for such a boring movie.
So yeah, a movie with no reason to exist, with leads who have no reason to be acting. There's simply no reason to go out of your way to find Lost Lake, it'll just bore you to death.
This Is The End: 74 Out Of 100 Stars
Once you realize what's going on, it delivers exactly what you're expecting, a lot of crude jokes delivered by some really funny people. It moves along nicely, never gets bogged down, and feels like everyone on screen is just having a blast. Micheal Cera steals the show.
Star Trek, Into Darkness: 68 Out Of 100 Stars
I really liked the first one, but for some reason this one just didn't do it for me. It was neat watching the introduction of the characters in the first film, here it seems like they relied on them too much, it got too cutesy for me. I also wasn't a big fan of the whole Khan storyline. Those things being said, it's a well made, well paced movie and at times is every bit of the first one, just not nearly as good a story.
Sunday, October 6, 2013
The Hangover Part 3: 55 Out Of 100 Stars
Enough laughs to suggest it, but nowhere near the level you'd hope from these guys, and in fact it seems like they're just going through the motions for a good part of the movie. There are moments where Bradley Cooper almost seems embarrassed to be in the movie, and honestly, those might be the most amusing parts of the film.
Zach has gotten out of hand and so the rest of the gang convince him to go to a clinic. On the way, the gang is ambushed by John Goodman who is owed a lot of money by Dr. Ken and gives the boys an ultimatum, find Ken or die.
There is a good deal of forced comedy and some of it goes on too long but the sheer ability of the four leads provide enough hits to at least grudgingly recommend, although they really can stop now.
Zach has gotten out of hand and so the rest of the gang convince him to go to a clinic. On the way, the gang is ambushed by John Goodman who is owed a lot of money by Dr. Ken and gives the boys an ultimatum, find Ken or die.
There is a good deal of forced comedy and some of it goes on too long but the sheer ability of the four leads provide enough hits to at least grudgingly recommend, although they really can stop now.
Iron Man 3: 75 Out Of 100 Stars
I liked the first Iron Man because of how serious it took it's subject, I hated the 2nd Iron Man because of how serious it tried to be while filling itself with silly characters doing silly things. I liked this one because it gives up on the pretense of seriousness and just has fun with itself.
A man known only as The Mandarin is wreaking havoc across the globe and is threatening both the United States and the President himself, played early on as an Osama Bin Laden type, the movie sets a perilous tone early, but soon there are plot twists that reveal something else all together. Ben Kingsley is ridiculously awesome as The Mandarin, I mean just fucking awesome.
There are other baddies besides The Mandarin who may or may not be working with him, they've developed a way to turn human beings into bombs. It's silly yes, but outside of a few tense moments early it never tries to be too real or take itself too seriously and just has fun with what's happening. Because of the tone of the film it was much easier for me to take Stark being goofy, in fact it fit right in, so that was a pleasant surprise given how I felt about the last movie.
In the end it's a big, fun, silly, action packed romp that allows Downey to shine, in fact everyone in the movie is pretty damn awesome.
A fun blockbuster filled with A-Listers who shine that does exactly what it wants to do with gusto, you couldn't really ask for more.
A man known only as The Mandarin is wreaking havoc across the globe and is threatening both the United States and the President himself, played early on as an Osama Bin Laden type, the movie sets a perilous tone early, but soon there are plot twists that reveal something else all together. Ben Kingsley is ridiculously awesome as The Mandarin, I mean just fucking awesome.
There are other baddies besides The Mandarin who may or may not be working with him, they've developed a way to turn human beings into bombs. It's silly yes, but outside of a few tense moments early it never tries to be too real or take itself too seriously and just has fun with what's happening. Because of the tone of the film it was much easier for me to take Stark being goofy, in fact it fit right in, so that was a pleasant surprise given how I felt about the last movie.
In the end it's a big, fun, silly, action packed romp that allows Downey to shine, in fact everyone in the movie is pretty damn awesome.
A fun blockbuster filled with A-Listers who shine that does exactly what it wants to do with gusto, you couldn't really ask for more.
Evil Dead: 36 Out Of 100 Stars
A remake, or re imaging, that needn't be. None of the actors have much presence at all, the story doesn't draw you in, and there's not nearly the horror or whimsy of the original to make you give a fuck. If this had been named anything other than Evil Dead, nobody would give a shit about it.
A disservice to it's namesake, Evil Dead just plods along providing nothing more than hundreds of other generic horror movies.
A disservice to it's namesake, Evil Dead just plods along providing nothing more than hundreds of other generic horror movies.
Admission: 58 Out Of 100 Stars
Here we have a script that really isn't very good, filled with contrived plot devices, but god damn do the actors try their best to make it work.
Tina Fey, whom I always find extremely likeable, is as good as she can be playing an admissions officer at Princeton who gets a call from an old classmate played by Paul Rudd, informing her that he has a student who may be the child she gave up for adoption many years ago.
From there hijinks and feelings and lessons ensue, but it's all a bit silly and really takes a lot of suspension of belief to believe the characters motives. But it is funny when it goes for funny, unfortunately it spends so much time trying to pull your heartstrings when the situation is just too unreal.
Rudd, Fey and especially Lilly Tomlin as Feys mother are all great, they truly do it give their absolute best shot, but the script just doesn't work well enough.
You'll laugh enough to make this a worthwhile watch, but there is a really strong comedy underneath all the sappy shit and you'll feel cheated you didn't get more of the former and less of the latter.
Tina Fey, whom I always find extremely likeable, is as good as she can be playing an admissions officer at Princeton who gets a call from an old classmate played by Paul Rudd, informing her that he has a student who may be the child she gave up for adoption many years ago.
From there hijinks and feelings and lessons ensue, but it's all a bit silly and really takes a lot of suspension of belief to believe the characters motives. But it is funny when it goes for funny, unfortunately it spends so much time trying to pull your heartstrings when the situation is just too unreal.
Rudd, Fey and especially Lilly Tomlin as Feys mother are all great, they truly do it give their absolute best shot, but the script just doesn't work well enough.
You'll laugh enough to make this a worthwhile watch, but there is a really strong comedy underneath all the sappy shit and you'll feel cheated you didn't get more of the former and less of the latter.
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