Friday, November 16, 2012
Pineapple Express: 58 Out Of 100 Stars
Overwhelmingly disappointed by this movie even though the last half hour really has a lot of fun slapstick and physical comedy. Still, it wasn't nearly as much fun to watch potheads try and run from the mob as I thought it would be and Seth Rogan as everyman really didn't connect with me.
I'm not gonna sit here and say I didn't laugh or that it isn't all together an above average film going experience but the guttural laughter I anticipated never shows up, and a lot of the pot comedy is sort of like watching a pothead try and be funny in that listening to them talk isn't very much fun, but watching them fall down is.
No great shakes.
I'm not gonna sit here and say I didn't laugh or that it isn't all together an above average film going experience but the guttural laughter I anticipated never shows up, and a lot of the pot comedy is sort of like watching a pothead try and be funny in that listening to them talk isn't very much fun, but watching them fall down is.
No great shakes.
Wanted: 35 Out Of 100 Stars
Here we have a movie too absurd to be an iota as fun as it wants to be and too dumb to be nearly as dramatic as it hopes
.
The lead has almost zero presence, looking most of the time like a downs syndrome Zach Braff. It has twists we don't care about laid upon a foundation of stupidity. The action is ok at times but mostly it's just ridiculousness masquerading as fun. Angelina Jolie looks good in it but even Morgan Freeman is kind of wasted. Just an overwrought, over budgeted Hollywood cliche ride about a magical loom.
Not Wanted.
.
The lead has almost zero presence, looking most of the time like a downs syndrome Zach Braff. It has twists we don't care about laid upon a foundation of stupidity. The action is ok at times but mostly it's just ridiculousness masquerading as fun. Angelina Jolie looks good in it but even Morgan Freeman is kind of wasted. Just an overwrought, over budgeted Hollywood cliche ride about a magical loom.
Not Wanted.
Burn After Reading: 82 Out Of 100 Stars
No Country For Smart Men. Everyone in this movie reacts to what's happening around them with no idea what's happening around them, a lot of times even the viewer is left out of the loop until a sly reveal shows us that what we thought we knew, we didn't know, and it's not even that big a deal.
This is not so much a caper as it is a voyeuristic exercise in happenstance. Why was he really fired? Who left what they found? Is it nearly as important as they think it is?
Regarding my first line, a lot of critics have called the people in this movie dumb, but really they arne't. They're all just way in over their heads, outside of their element, except for the Malkovich character (wonderfully portrayed by the way), who, if he were any other character in this film, would have figured out what was happening in the blink of an eye. Instead he's jerked around by the rest of the characters simply because they have control over him, whether it be romantic or work related.
This is a funny movie, thought it's not a great comedy. And it's not a great drama though it is effortlessly engaging. It's just a great story that unfolds before you and makes you wish you could just grab a character, any character, and tell them what's going on.
There is a massive "Holy Shit" moment that had me smiling ear to ear for almost 5 minutes and I loved the way they wrapped it up. No need to investigate why what happened happened, just let it be and let it be done with.
The cast is a tour de force, people so full of themselves that if they drifted in and out of our world we would indeed hate them, luckily for us we get to see the them that exists in private. People who have no clue are a bore to interact with, but real fuckin fun to watch.
This is not so much a caper as it is a voyeuristic exercise in happenstance. Why was he really fired? Who left what they found? Is it nearly as important as they think it is?
Regarding my first line, a lot of critics have called the people in this movie dumb, but really they arne't. They're all just way in over their heads, outside of their element, except for the Malkovich character (wonderfully portrayed by the way), who, if he were any other character in this film, would have figured out what was happening in the blink of an eye. Instead he's jerked around by the rest of the characters simply because they have control over him, whether it be romantic or work related.
This is a funny movie, thought it's not a great comedy. And it's not a great drama though it is effortlessly engaging. It's just a great story that unfolds before you and makes you wish you could just grab a character, any character, and tell them what's going on.
There is a massive "Holy Shit" moment that had me smiling ear to ear for almost 5 minutes and I loved the way they wrapped it up. No need to investigate why what happened happened, just let it be and let it be done with.
The cast is a tour de force, people so full of themselves that if they drifted in and out of our world we would indeed hate them, luckily for us we get to see the them that exists in private. People who have no clue are a bore to interact with, but real fuckin fun to watch.
Get Smart: 79 Out Of 100 Stars
Just an awesomely fun and funny jaunt. Carell nails the Maxwell Smart character, never going too over the top and keeping the base of the character while allowing it to exist in current times, a really strong effort on his part.
In fact all the characters in this film are really well written, excellently acted and totally in the spirit of original show, while again, updating nicely.
The jokes roll along at a nice pace, never too in your face or over the top, mostly due to Carells sublime work. Hathaway is gorgeous as all get out and provides a nice dash of sex appeal without being raunchy. In fact I think "Douche" might be the strongest word used in the movie. It just does a terrific job at being funny with a lot of solid action, good for kids and adults alike, legitimately, which is hard to do these days.
I think the highest praise that I can laud upon this movie is that as it was winding down I felt myself wishing Hollywood could churn out more movies like this. Smart, Funny, a dash of sex appeal and some nice action sequences, fun characters all around. You should get smart and see Get Smart.
In fact all the characters in this film are really well written, excellently acted and totally in the spirit of original show, while again, updating nicely.
The jokes roll along at a nice pace, never too in your face or over the top, mostly due to Carells sublime work. Hathaway is gorgeous as all get out and provides a nice dash of sex appeal without being raunchy. In fact I think "Douche" might be the strongest word used in the movie. It just does a terrific job at being funny with a lot of solid action, good for kids and adults alike, legitimately, which is hard to do these days.
I think the highest praise that I can laud upon this movie is that as it was winding down I felt myself wishing Hollywood could churn out more movies like this. Smart, Funny, a dash of sex appeal and some nice action sequences, fun characters all around. You should get smart and see Get Smart.
2008 Horror Fest: Netherbeast Incorporated: 72 Out Of 100 Stars
Darrell Hammond and Dave Foley star in a dark comedy about A company full of vampires. You can't go wrong.
Very funny and well paced if a tad slow at times. There's also a lot of mystique and vampire rules that at times seemed like a bit much but they don't really hamper it too badly.
It's hard to describe the movie, not so much the plot, but intricacies of it. It's very monotonous, but not in a bad way, like in an actual office work day sort of way. It threw me off at first because I felt like it was dragging but once you're watching for 15-20 minutes you realize you're sort of just rolling along with the pace. A bunch of really good one liners and monologues interweave as dialog but never feels like awkward dialog.
LOL, I was fuckin stoned when i watched this but it's an awesome movie. Just watch it.
Very funny and well paced if a tad slow at times. There's also a lot of mystique and vampire rules that at times seemed like a bit much but they don't really hamper it too badly.
It's hard to describe the movie, not so much the plot, but intricacies of it. It's very monotonous, but not in a bad way, like in an actual office work day sort of way. It threw me off at first because I felt like it was dragging but once you're watching for 15-20 minutes you realize you're sort of just rolling along with the pace. A bunch of really good one liners and monologues interweave as dialog but never feels like awkward dialog.
LOL, I was fuckin stoned when i watched this but it's an awesome movie. Just watch it.
Mulholland Drive: 40 Out Of 100 Stars
Yeah, so I had never seen this movie, I recall mainly because never thinking Naomi Watts was that hot and also because I've always found David Lynch to be just too fuckin odd. I've never been able to get past the oddness of his films and see what's supposed to be underneath, could just be my denseness, but whatever.
So now, this here film, it's.......I don't know. I liked it well enough up until it reaches THAT point. If you've seen it you know, if you haven't I'm not gonna spoiler it now no matter how old the film is.
Everyone in it is good, there's some funny and very erotic moments and the random arcs that I was waiting to come together were kind of cool. A lot of stock Lynch stuff though had me rolling my eyes, it just seems so forced at this point, it's like yeah, it's creepy, Ok, how about you just write a normal fucking character.
The twist I did not like, I won't say why, I just didn't like it and thought it was a cop out, especially when I had devoted so much time to the set up.
I wanna note that even though my rating is sub par, I think everyone should watch this movie. It is at the very least a very interesting experience and peoples takes on it are as much a part of the experience as the actual film is, but me myself, I wasn't blown away.
So now, this here film, it's.......I don't know. I liked it well enough up until it reaches THAT point. If you've seen it you know, if you haven't I'm not gonna spoiler it now no matter how old the film is.
Everyone in it is good, there's some funny and very erotic moments and the random arcs that I was waiting to come together were kind of cool. A lot of stock Lynch stuff though had me rolling my eyes, it just seems so forced at this point, it's like yeah, it's creepy, Ok, how about you just write a normal fucking character.
The twist I did not like, I won't say why, I just didn't like it and thought it was a cop out, especially when I had devoted so much time to the set up.
I wanna note that even though my rating is sub par, I think everyone should watch this movie. It is at the very least a very interesting experience and peoples takes on it are as much a part of the experience as the actual film is, but me myself, I wasn't blown away.
Step Brothers: 60 Out Of 100 Stars
This was a hard one to review. Was it funny? Yes. Was it insanely dumb? Yes.
I guess it goes without saying that you have to accept the preposterous premise to enjoy the film, and I don't think I really did accept it. I think either I'm getting sort of burned out on the Ferrel routine or this was just an autopilot setup to engage in a bunch of dick jokes and 4th grade humor. Probably a little of both, but I would have appreciated if it seemed like they spent more than 10 minutes coming up with the idea for this film. They might as well of just called it Ferrell And Reily Act Like Children for 90 Minutes
So yeah, the plot is that 2 divorcees meet cute and get married, luckily they both have 40 year old sons who still live at home. There is nothing wrong with that premise, in fact it's open to much possible above average humor. The problem is that neither of the leads play 40 year old men, they play 12 year olds, which at times became eye rolling and mind numbing.
They both wanna be in a band, they share a tree house and read pornos, they cry when they get yelled at, they want bunk beds, etc etc. It was just all too much. The reason these guys previous movies worked so much better is because it gave if not a solid excuse, a legitimate and thought out excuse for their wacky behavior. There is no excuse here, they just wanna play 12 year olds.
If you've ever watched a movie you will realize at some point there will come a time in this film when both men realize that they have to grow up, and that's even more frustrating because at no time is there any middle ground. They go straight from little kids to adults, with no middle ground, it's really very dumb.
Ok, now the reason I still gave this movie an above average rating. You will laugh. You will probably laugh a lot. They will be stupid, retarded, belly laughs but they will be laughs all the same. The film is just balls to wall ridiculousness from the get go and even though a lot of it misses, that still leaves time for so much of it to hit.
The best character in the film is probably Kathryn Hahn, who plays the wife of Ferrells dickhead younger brother. When Reilly stands up to her husband she goes gaga over him and it leads to some of the movies best scenes, including a bathroom fuck that had me rolling, and then a piss scene that was just magnificent.
So yeah, turn off your brain and just enjoy it for what it is and you'll have some chuckles, but don't expect anything close to the best of what Ferrell or Apatow have churned out in the past few years.
I guess it goes without saying that you have to accept the preposterous premise to enjoy the film, and I don't think I really did accept it. I think either I'm getting sort of burned out on the Ferrel routine or this was just an autopilot setup to engage in a bunch of dick jokes and 4th grade humor. Probably a little of both, but I would have appreciated if it seemed like they spent more than 10 minutes coming up with the idea for this film. They might as well of just called it Ferrell And Reily Act Like Children for 90 Minutes
So yeah, the plot is that 2 divorcees meet cute and get married, luckily they both have 40 year old sons who still live at home. There is nothing wrong with that premise, in fact it's open to much possible above average humor. The problem is that neither of the leads play 40 year old men, they play 12 year olds, which at times became eye rolling and mind numbing.
They both wanna be in a band, they share a tree house and read pornos, they cry when they get yelled at, they want bunk beds, etc etc. It was just all too much. The reason these guys previous movies worked so much better is because it gave if not a solid excuse, a legitimate and thought out excuse for their wacky behavior. There is no excuse here, they just wanna play 12 year olds.
If you've ever watched a movie you will realize at some point there will come a time in this film when both men realize that they have to grow up, and that's even more frustrating because at no time is there any middle ground. They go straight from little kids to adults, with no middle ground, it's really very dumb.
Ok, now the reason I still gave this movie an above average rating. You will laugh. You will probably laugh a lot. They will be stupid, retarded, belly laughs but they will be laughs all the same. The film is just balls to wall ridiculousness from the get go and even though a lot of it misses, that still leaves time for so much of it to hit.
The best character in the film is probably Kathryn Hahn, who plays the wife of Ferrells dickhead younger brother. When Reilly stands up to her husband she goes gaga over him and it leads to some of the movies best scenes, including a bathroom fuck that had me rolling, and then a piss scene that was just magnificent.
So yeah, turn off your brain and just enjoy it for what it is and you'll have some chuckles, but don't expect anything close to the best of what Ferrell or Apatow have churned out in the past few years.
2008 Horror Fest: Chronicles Of An Excorcism: 27 Out Of 100 Stars
Saw this one available for download and read a short review that said it was wonderfully awful so I figured I'd give it a shot.
Basic premise is Blair Witch meets The Exorcist. We open with an amateur film crew arriving at a rundown house in the middle of a cornfield, the local Pastor has asked them to come out and document an exorcism being performed by 2 ministers or whoever the church sends to do them. It's all shot with hand cams and not big budget equipment. It's a very good premise and set up if you don't have a lot of money. The acting and writing however is pretty sub par.
It isn't even that cheesy, it's just sort of monotonously bad. They repeat a ton of stuff, do a lot of nothing, use the phrase "Doing The Lords Work" about 100 times. The acting only gets cheesy during the intense scenes when they super emote, but even then it's not fun, it's just annoying. There's a great scene in a corn field where the same exact shot and reactions are repeated so much that by the 5th time i was cheering, hoping it would loop like that for the remaining 45 minutes of the film.
The girl who's possessed is pretty hot but she doesn't do much besides lay in bed and be possessed. They use a voice effect when the demon speaks thru her but they lay it over her actual voice and it just sounds super cheesy.
The 3 holy men in the film are pretty fair actors, I mean, they do ok until they have to really emote. The film crew, who we mostly only hear however sound like RF Video trying to document an exorcism. A lot of stupid questions and fake surprise and the like.
There is a pretty glorious scene near the end where the try and do a final exorcism on the girl. It's really long, there's much thrashing and pretending to hold down and shouting and bad acting. I think I heard horse hooves and the Pastor speaks in tongues and it goes on forever.
Not a bad idea for a film if you don't have a big budget, however trying to fill it with talking and religious rhetoric and what not made it a total bore fest. A little bit of cheese but not enough to make it fun and a lot of boredom and overall bad writing and acting make it a forgettable trip to Church.
Basic premise is Blair Witch meets The Exorcist. We open with an amateur film crew arriving at a rundown house in the middle of a cornfield, the local Pastor has asked them to come out and document an exorcism being performed by 2 ministers or whoever the church sends to do them. It's all shot with hand cams and not big budget equipment. It's a very good premise and set up if you don't have a lot of money. The acting and writing however is pretty sub par.
It isn't even that cheesy, it's just sort of monotonously bad. They repeat a ton of stuff, do a lot of nothing, use the phrase "Doing The Lords Work" about 100 times. The acting only gets cheesy during the intense scenes when they super emote, but even then it's not fun, it's just annoying. There's a great scene in a corn field where the same exact shot and reactions are repeated so much that by the 5th time i was cheering, hoping it would loop like that for the remaining 45 minutes of the film.
The girl who's possessed is pretty hot but she doesn't do much besides lay in bed and be possessed. They use a voice effect when the demon speaks thru her but they lay it over her actual voice and it just sounds super cheesy.
The 3 holy men in the film are pretty fair actors, I mean, they do ok until they have to really emote. The film crew, who we mostly only hear however sound like RF Video trying to document an exorcism. A lot of stupid questions and fake surprise and the like.
There is a pretty glorious scene near the end where the try and do a final exorcism on the girl. It's really long, there's much thrashing and pretending to hold down and shouting and bad acting. I think I heard horse hooves and the Pastor speaks in tongues and it goes on forever.
Not a bad idea for a film if you don't have a big budget, however trying to fill it with talking and religious rhetoric and what not made it a total bore fest. A little bit of cheese but not enough to make it fun and a lot of boredom and overall bad writing and acting make it a forgettable trip to Church.
2008 Horror Fest: The Strangers: 57 Out Of 100 Stars
Suspenseful. Quite a few "jump" moments. Well shot. Excellent soundtrack that added nicely to the ambiance of the film. No excessive retardation on the part of the characters that can often sidetrack a horror movie. This all the good.
The problem is that at points it REALLY drags, including about a 20 minute crawling scene that almost had me falling asleep. Also, and this may sound like a nitpick, but there is never really any clear reason why the baddies are doing what they're doing. We never get the slightest bit of insight into them as characters. They sort of just appear, disappear, hunt, haunt and terrorize.
The leads are given a nice story and humanized nicely but something was missing because i still didn't really care if they lived or died. The mood of the film was a bit dreary, which is nice, but so were the characters and that's a slight misstep by the film makers.
I do appreciate the effort put into this one as it was clear they were going for more than your usual slasher movie, trying to combine good drama and horror but they just didn't mix the 2 all that well and it sort of drug both angles down.
Still, a real nice setup and some good suspense but a rather lackluster finish. I'd slightly recommend this.
The problem is that at points it REALLY drags, including about a 20 minute crawling scene that almost had me falling asleep. Also, and this may sound like a nitpick, but there is never really any clear reason why the baddies are doing what they're doing. We never get the slightest bit of insight into them as characters. They sort of just appear, disappear, hunt, haunt and terrorize.
The leads are given a nice story and humanized nicely but something was missing because i still didn't really care if they lived or died. The mood of the film was a bit dreary, which is nice, but so were the characters and that's a slight misstep by the film makers.
I do appreciate the effort put into this one as it was clear they were going for more than your usual slasher movie, trying to combine good drama and horror but they just didn't mix the 2 all that well and it sort of drug both angles down.
Still, a real nice setup and some good suspense but a rather lackluster finish. I'd slightly recommend this.
2008 Horror Fest: Flight Of The Dead: 65 Out Of 100 Stars
Upon starting this movie I was treated to the 3 best words one can ever see appear on a movie screen, "And Richard Tyson". Fuck yeah!!
There's not much to not like about this film as it does the zombie genre proud with some excellent manic direction and fun kills. The story shouldn't be much mystery given the title of the film but yeah, somehow a zombie gets on board a plane and havoc ensues.
My main problem with the film is the long setup, nearly 40 minutes before we get to the good stuff. I wouldn't mind that if there were some good sex, nudity or funny moments but really it's just 40 minutes of set up, which is way too long. We are introduced to a number of characters, the 2 pairs of college couples going on a trip, the black golfer who carries his driver with him (it comes in handy of course), the federal agent transporting a criminal (who's list of crimes includes stealing a jet from the Russian mafia. That skill will also come in handy). A nun, A Sky Marshall played by Richard Tyson in a beret! A beret Jerry!!! Of course there's also a rogue research team that has developed a way to bring dead cells back to life, and the cargo they're transporting is very dangerous!
Once things get rolling we're given a copious amounts of kills done very nicely, a good amount of laughs and just an overall fun time.
Like I said, it could have used some more booty and nudity, boobies never hurt. And it takes awhile to get going, but once it does you'll have a blast. Reserve a seat on Concord Air today, but watch your back!
There's not much to not like about this film as it does the zombie genre proud with some excellent manic direction and fun kills. The story shouldn't be much mystery given the title of the film but yeah, somehow a zombie gets on board a plane and havoc ensues.
My main problem with the film is the long setup, nearly 40 minutes before we get to the good stuff. I wouldn't mind that if there were some good sex, nudity or funny moments but really it's just 40 minutes of set up, which is way too long. We are introduced to a number of characters, the 2 pairs of college couples going on a trip, the black golfer who carries his driver with him (it comes in handy of course), the federal agent transporting a criminal (who's list of crimes includes stealing a jet from the Russian mafia. That skill will also come in handy). A nun, A Sky Marshall played by Richard Tyson in a beret! A beret Jerry!!! Of course there's also a rogue research team that has developed a way to bring dead cells back to life, and the cargo they're transporting is very dangerous!
Once things get rolling we're given a copious amounts of kills done very nicely, a good amount of laughs and just an overall fun time.
Like I said, it could have used some more booty and nudity, boobies never hurt. And it takes awhile to get going, but once it does you'll have a blast. Reserve a seat on Concord Air today, but watch your back!
2008 Horror Fest: Reeker 2, Rise Of The Reeker: 34 Out Of 100 Stars
These 34 stars are a generous misnomer, as this is not a film that taken as a whole deserves 34 stars. There are however, many small pieces and elements of this film that are wasted and/or not followed through well enough upon for me to say that there's something buried underneath this rather awkward and jumbled film to maybe recommend you to watch it, maybe.
Let's start with the good. First off there's a neat story here and an interesting plot device that deserves to be in a more engaging overall film. There is some funny comedy in parts, that although it feels way out of place, really made me laugh. There are also a good amount of "jump" moments and decent gore. Lastly the main villain is set up very nicely, unfortunately the execution of his character leaves a lot to be desired as he just isn't used nearly as well as you think he will be.
What didn't work was a lot of the acting. There are 3 main "good guy" characters and they're all pretty bad actors, not that what they're given to say or work with is anything special. The 3 main "bad guy" characters are a lot better but outside of a scene here or there also aren't given much to work with.
For having such a nice location to shoot on the director doesn't really give us that good a feel for our surroundings in the film. People move around a lot, go off in different directions and do a lot of moving but they never seem to end up too far from where they started and we're never given a good sense of where buildings are in correlation to each other. The directing just isn't very good at all.
The script also drags pretty badly at points and we're given pretty unnecessary back story that can in no way be conveyed by the actors trying to convey it. There's a rather gross and long scene where one of the baddies has his car keys flushed down the toilet. So what does he do? Well he climbs down into a bomb shelter adjacent to the septic tank, breaks thru the wall and swims around in sewage looking for the keys. It's a nonsensical waste of nearly 10 minutes of film.
What we have here is a good setup not delivered upon, a rather lame villain, both in script and on the screen as he is filmed badly and in a fashion that makes it hard to really get into his kill scenes. Add in a pretty poor cast and some dumb and cliched writing and you've get a bad movie that perhaps more could have been done with in the hands of someone who has a better ability to flesh out the crap and focus on the few good ideas the script presents.
Let's start with the good. First off there's a neat story here and an interesting plot device that deserves to be in a more engaging overall film. There is some funny comedy in parts, that although it feels way out of place, really made me laugh. There are also a good amount of "jump" moments and decent gore. Lastly the main villain is set up very nicely, unfortunately the execution of his character leaves a lot to be desired as he just isn't used nearly as well as you think he will be.
What didn't work was a lot of the acting. There are 3 main "good guy" characters and they're all pretty bad actors, not that what they're given to say or work with is anything special. The 3 main "bad guy" characters are a lot better but outside of a scene here or there also aren't given much to work with.
For having such a nice location to shoot on the director doesn't really give us that good a feel for our surroundings in the film. People move around a lot, go off in different directions and do a lot of moving but they never seem to end up too far from where they started and we're never given a good sense of where buildings are in correlation to each other. The directing just isn't very good at all.
The script also drags pretty badly at points and we're given pretty unnecessary back story that can in no way be conveyed by the actors trying to convey it. There's a rather gross and long scene where one of the baddies has his car keys flushed down the toilet. So what does he do? Well he climbs down into a bomb shelter adjacent to the septic tank, breaks thru the wall and swims around in sewage looking for the keys. It's a nonsensical waste of nearly 10 minutes of film.
What we have here is a good setup not delivered upon, a rather lame villain, both in script and on the screen as he is filmed badly and in a fashion that makes it hard to really get into his kill scenes. Add in a pretty poor cast and some dumb and cliched writing and you've get a bad movie that perhaps more could have been done with in the hands of someone who has a better ability to flesh out the crap and focus on the few good ideas the script presents.
2008 Horror Fest: Zombies, Zombies, Zombies!!!: 21 Out Of 100 Stars
You'd think a film supposedly about strippers fighting zombies would at least be a minimal amount of campy fun or the slightest bit sexy. Nope.
What we got here is a badly written, badly acted, not at all campy, rather lame film.
Story is about a doctor searching for the cure for cancer in what's supposed to be a lab, but looks more like a janitors closet. Anyway, he's dishing out free weed on the side (probably to make ends meet) and one the dope heads steals some of his medicinal test goo cause it looks like crack, even though it's green, whatever.
The dope head ends up giving some of it to the local pimp whose girls end up getting some of it and it turns them into zombies and they infect others and we're off.
I can forgive the cheap set and the low budget. Fuck, I can even forgive some bad camera work. What I can't forgive is the following. After a night of "stripping" (I use this term loosely as each girl dances for about a minute, barely gets topless, and are about as sexy as peanut butter up the nose) the strippers from The Grindhouse decide to go to the cafe. There they meet up with the hookers and their pimp. The first half hour of the film is spent on girls who cant act, acting out horribly written "drama" about how strippers have it rough and the perils of being a stripper and whether or not stripping or hooking is worse. It's like a fucking Lifetime movie put on by 3rd graders. This shit bugged me to no fuckin end. It's a fucking movie about strippers vs zombies, i don't need 30 minutes of fucking life lesson exposes from these characters, i need tits and pussy and blood!
At this point we meet the pimp, who's kind of funny, if only because he's edited so badly and so stilted and cliched in his dialog. The editing and shooting on this movie is really rather horrid. A number of times the pimp threatened to slap one of his girls, would raise his arm and then we'd see like 5 seconds of him holding his arm up, doing nothing while waiting for someone to intervene.
So a few hookers get turned into zombies, they turn other into zombies by biting them, the group of strippers and hookers run back to and hole themselves up in the strip club.
We get introduced to a cop who i think I recognized from porn and may be the worlds worst actor.
One of the strippers brothers, who had come to pick her up, is able to get to the lab where the stuff came from and get a vial of antidote, unfortunately in a fight he gets the vial stuck into his stomach and the only way to kill the zombies is for them to bite him so they'll get the "cure" and explode.
There's really no drama as the shoddy nature of the directing pretty much makes every scene with more than 1 person just look all cumbersome and silly. Some of the close up gore is good but the explosions and gunshots are all photoshop and look like it. There might be a few, what you would call average performances but almost everyone in the movie is pretty bad, and not in a good way.
There is no camp, no sexiness, no nothing here to see. Zombies, Zombies, Zombies gets a No, No, No, from me.
What we got here is a badly written, badly acted, not at all campy, rather lame film.
Story is about a doctor searching for the cure for cancer in what's supposed to be a lab, but looks more like a janitors closet. Anyway, he's dishing out free weed on the side (probably to make ends meet) and one the dope heads steals some of his medicinal test goo cause it looks like crack, even though it's green, whatever.
The dope head ends up giving some of it to the local pimp whose girls end up getting some of it and it turns them into zombies and they infect others and we're off.
I can forgive the cheap set and the low budget. Fuck, I can even forgive some bad camera work. What I can't forgive is the following. After a night of "stripping" (I use this term loosely as each girl dances for about a minute, barely gets topless, and are about as sexy as peanut butter up the nose) the strippers from The Grindhouse decide to go to the cafe. There they meet up with the hookers and their pimp. The first half hour of the film is spent on girls who cant act, acting out horribly written "drama" about how strippers have it rough and the perils of being a stripper and whether or not stripping or hooking is worse. It's like a fucking Lifetime movie put on by 3rd graders. This shit bugged me to no fuckin end. It's a fucking movie about strippers vs zombies, i don't need 30 minutes of fucking life lesson exposes from these characters, i need tits and pussy and blood!
At this point we meet the pimp, who's kind of funny, if only because he's edited so badly and so stilted and cliched in his dialog. The editing and shooting on this movie is really rather horrid. A number of times the pimp threatened to slap one of his girls, would raise his arm and then we'd see like 5 seconds of him holding his arm up, doing nothing while waiting for someone to intervene.
So a few hookers get turned into zombies, they turn other into zombies by biting them, the group of strippers and hookers run back to and hole themselves up in the strip club.
We get introduced to a cop who i think I recognized from porn and may be the worlds worst actor.
One of the strippers brothers, who had come to pick her up, is able to get to the lab where the stuff came from and get a vial of antidote, unfortunately in a fight he gets the vial stuck into his stomach and the only way to kill the zombies is for them to bite him so they'll get the "cure" and explode.
There's really no drama as the shoddy nature of the directing pretty much makes every scene with more than 1 person just look all cumbersome and silly. Some of the close up gore is good but the explosions and gunshots are all photoshop and look like it. There might be a few, what you would call average performances but almost everyone in the movie is pretty bad, and not in a good way.
There is no camp, no sexiness, no nothing here to see. Zombies, Zombies, Zombies gets a No, No, No, from me.
2008 Horror Fest: Return To Sleepaway Camp, Kids Can Be So Mean: 80 Out Of 100 Stars
Fuck me if this movie isn't all kinds of awesome.
So I guess this is the 5th installment in the Sleepaway Camp series. I remember seeing the first 2 when I was younger and I wasn't all that impressed by them at the time, especially compared to the Friday The 13th and Nightmare On Elm Street series'. So I wasn't expecting a whole out of this one, but man was I pleasantly wrong.
Little bit of back story for y'all in case you have no idea what gave the original so much buzz. SA Camp 1 is famous for the fact that the killer, a girl, is revealed in the end to be a guy or a hermy, either way the last shot of the movie is of this chick with her wang out. Apparently she went so insane over her affliction or whatever that she just started murdering kids.
OK then, fast forward to this film.
It's got a wonderful look to it as it's taking place current day but has a decidedly 80's look and vibe to it. All the camp cabins and interiors look like they could be right at home in the original which came out over 20 years ago. Even the dialog, while rough, never feels like todays "fuck fuck fuck fuck" dialog, it's salty, but it's 80's salty.
Now on to the cast and story. The cast is pretty much all awesome for a variety of reasons. It's hard to describe but the male lead plays the absurd and ridiculous to the total maximum without becoming a dumb caricature. He completely nails the fat, doofus, maybe slightly retarded character and is a fucking joy to watch get picked on and be the pickee, so to speak.
All the other kids are pretty damn good as well playing stoners, jocks and just general teenage pricks, they too are all enjoyable to watch. Even the bad acting in the movie is awesome, especially the lead counselor who wears zubbas and muscle shirts and delivers his lines with a wooden awesomeness that had me rolling every time he tried to emote.
The script in an of itself is nothing all that special when it comes to the plot but most of the dialog is really good. Both the words and the young actors delivery of the words are fun. I should also note that all the kids look like kids, no 25 year old dudes who look 25 playing 15 year olds here.
So the story is that the main dude, who I referenced earlier, is getting picked on the whole film. People start dying in pretty cool ways. The gore is above average and the kills are fun. The big finale is a bit obvious but doesn't detract from the film at all as it's done very quickly.
What a joyful surprise this movie was after my last 2 viewing endeavors. Nicely executed from script to screen, full of blood, guts and laughter and just an overall enjoyable romp. Spend at least 1 Autumn night at Sleepaway Camp, but be nice to the fat kid!
So I guess this is the 5th installment in the Sleepaway Camp series. I remember seeing the first 2 when I was younger and I wasn't all that impressed by them at the time, especially compared to the Friday The 13th and Nightmare On Elm Street series'. So I wasn't expecting a whole out of this one, but man was I pleasantly wrong.
Little bit of back story for y'all in case you have no idea what gave the original so much buzz. SA Camp 1 is famous for the fact that the killer, a girl, is revealed in the end to be a guy or a hermy, either way the last shot of the movie is of this chick with her wang out. Apparently she went so insane over her affliction or whatever that she just started murdering kids.
OK then, fast forward to this film.
It's got a wonderful look to it as it's taking place current day but has a decidedly 80's look and vibe to it. All the camp cabins and interiors look like they could be right at home in the original which came out over 20 years ago. Even the dialog, while rough, never feels like todays "fuck fuck fuck fuck" dialog, it's salty, but it's 80's salty.
Now on to the cast and story. The cast is pretty much all awesome for a variety of reasons. It's hard to describe but the male lead plays the absurd and ridiculous to the total maximum without becoming a dumb caricature. He completely nails the fat, doofus, maybe slightly retarded character and is a fucking joy to watch get picked on and be the pickee, so to speak.
All the other kids are pretty damn good as well playing stoners, jocks and just general teenage pricks, they too are all enjoyable to watch. Even the bad acting in the movie is awesome, especially the lead counselor who wears zubbas and muscle shirts and delivers his lines with a wooden awesomeness that had me rolling every time he tried to emote.
The script in an of itself is nothing all that special when it comes to the plot but most of the dialog is really good. Both the words and the young actors delivery of the words are fun. I should also note that all the kids look like kids, no 25 year old dudes who look 25 playing 15 year olds here.
So the story is that the main dude, who I referenced earlier, is getting picked on the whole film. People start dying in pretty cool ways. The gore is above average and the kills are fun. The big finale is a bit obvious but doesn't detract from the film at all as it's done very quickly.
What a joyful surprise this movie was after my last 2 viewing endeavors. Nicely executed from script to screen, full of blood, guts and laughter and just an overall enjoyable romp. Spend at least 1 Autumn night at Sleepaway Camp, but be nice to the fat kid!
2008 Horror Fest: Ogre: 33 Out Of 100 Stars
Really only gave this one a shot because it stars John Schneider, and really, anything starring Bo Duke is good enough for me. Actually, he was fucking awesome in Lake Placid 2.
So yeah, this one is sort of a monster movie version of M. Night Shamaladingdongs The Village, and it doesn't really work.
Apparently way back in olden times a plague descended on this little Pennsylvania village town and in order to stave off the plague the town entrusted itself to a wizard of sorts, played by Mr. Schneider.
So every year since then the town has sacrificed one of it's own to an Ogre who lives in the woods in return for eternal life.
Things get fucked up when a group of kids comes wandering along on a camping trip and stumble upon the Ogre and the town.
Shit happens, shots are fired, spells are cast, people are smashed, stomped and eaten by the Ogre, your usual stuff without much drama.
The look of the film and the acting are all decent enough but the story is pretty damn thin and goofy and just not engaging in the slightest. The effects look pretty video gamish as the monster is CGI'd and if you didn't know any better you'd think the Ogres scenes were a commercial for the latest X-Box game.
A not so interesting story with not so interesting characters that sort of plods along till it's over. Best to ignore the Ogre like you'd avoid the Noid.
So yeah, this one is sort of a monster movie version of M. Night Shamaladingdongs The Village, and it doesn't really work.
Apparently way back in olden times a plague descended on this little Pennsylvania village town and in order to stave off the plague the town entrusted itself to a wizard of sorts, played by Mr. Schneider.
So every year since then the town has sacrificed one of it's own to an Ogre who lives in the woods in return for eternal life.
Things get fucked up when a group of kids comes wandering along on a camping trip and stumble upon the Ogre and the town.
Shit happens, shots are fired, spells are cast, people are smashed, stomped and eaten by the Ogre, your usual stuff without much drama.
The look of the film and the acting are all decent enough but the story is pretty damn thin and goofy and just not engaging in the slightest. The effects look pretty video gamish as the monster is CGI'd and if you didn't know any better you'd think the Ogres scenes were a commercial for the latest X-Box game.
A not so interesting story with not so interesting characters that sort of plods along till it's over. Best to ignore the Ogre like you'd avoid the Noid.
2008 Horror Fest: Gingerdead Man 2, Passion Of The Crust: 40 Out Of 100 Stars
Completely a satiric spoof on the genre with a lot of camp and a few belly laughs but just not good enough or funny enough to recommend.
Had me laughing at the beginning with a recap of Gingerdead Man 1, which apparently featured Gary Busey and was every bit as absurd and fun looking as I could have imagined.
Once this one starts though we're taken to a B Movie Studio that's in complete disarray. A box of cookies are delivered to the kraft table and inside is our titular hero.
Now, there's a cast of funny enough characters, including a gay dude and a buxom former starlet and a dyeing kid who's last wish is to tour the studio. There's also a good amount of in jokes about the B Movie industry and it's silliness.
The movie tries hard enough with all of these elements but as I said earlier, it just falls kind of flat. A lot of stuff intended to be "goofy silly" just comes off as "goofy goofy", if that makes any sense.
The actual Gingerdead Man, who is in fact an evil gingerbread cookie, has some funny lines and bad puns but really is not nearly as funny as I had thought he would be, nor can he be used to all that great effect because how the fuck do you show a cookie attacking people and make it look even close to real?
A little bit fun, but not fun enough to really justify recommending it. Maybe I'll give GingerDead Man 1 a try, but I don't think 2nds should of been on the menu. HAR.
Had me laughing at the beginning with a recap of Gingerdead Man 1, which apparently featured Gary Busey and was every bit as absurd and fun looking as I could have imagined.
Once this one starts though we're taken to a B Movie Studio that's in complete disarray. A box of cookies are delivered to the kraft table and inside is our titular hero.
Now, there's a cast of funny enough characters, including a gay dude and a buxom former starlet and a dyeing kid who's last wish is to tour the studio. There's also a good amount of in jokes about the B Movie industry and it's silliness.
The movie tries hard enough with all of these elements but as I said earlier, it just falls kind of flat. A lot of stuff intended to be "goofy silly" just comes off as "goofy goofy", if that makes any sense.
The actual Gingerdead Man, who is in fact an evil gingerbread cookie, has some funny lines and bad puns but really is not nearly as funny as I had thought he would be, nor can he be used to all that great effect because how the fuck do you show a cookie attacking people and make it look even close to real?
A little bit fun, but not fun enough to really justify recommending it. Maybe I'll give GingerDead Man 1 a try, but I don't think 2nds should of been on the menu. HAR.
2008 Horror Fest: The Gravedancers: 57 Out Of 100 Stars
This gets a slightly above average rating due to a stellar stretch of the film that delivered a bunch of legit scares and just wonderful horror movie execution. I jumped a good 4 or 5 times and was on the edge of my seat thru this entire period of the film. Unfortunately it falls off the cliff near the end and really just sort of falls into silliness that was neither all that frightening or fun to watch.
The story revolves around Prison Breaks Dominic Purcell and a couple of his old friends from college, who during a buddies funeral, get together, share some drinks and do some gravedancing in memory of their fallen friend.
Turns out their gravedancing has unleashed the spirits of 3 psychos who aren't happy their graves were danced upon, and thusly decide to reek havoc in their lives.
The story mainly focuses around Purcell and his live in girlfriend and the haunting they endure is pretty damn awesome and as I said, left me as scared as any horror movie I've seen lately, it's just really wonderfully done.
They eventually find out that the other friends are being haunted as well. The chick was even raped by the ghost who's tormenting her, a judge from the 1880's who had a proclivity for sexual torture. The fact that the ghost rape wasn't shown really cheesed me off though cause she was pretty damn hot.
Anyway, once the 3 old college pals realize they're all being haunted they contact a team of ghost hunters and the movie kind of goes in the shitter from there. Not that it's overly bad it just slowly goes downhill right up to the final silly scenes that do a disservice to the greatness of the early part of the film.
There's a point in the movie where they think they've broken the curse, if you turn it off right there you'll be much happier than if you try and sit thru the last 35 minutes.
Almost, but not quite, for The Gravedancers.
The story revolves around Prison Breaks Dominic Purcell and a couple of his old friends from college, who during a buddies funeral, get together, share some drinks and do some gravedancing in memory of their fallen friend.
Turns out their gravedancing has unleashed the spirits of 3 psychos who aren't happy their graves were danced upon, and thusly decide to reek havoc in their lives.
The story mainly focuses around Purcell and his live in girlfriend and the haunting they endure is pretty damn awesome and as I said, left me as scared as any horror movie I've seen lately, it's just really wonderfully done.
They eventually find out that the other friends are being haunted as well. The chick was even raped by the ghost who's tormenting her, a judge from the 1880's who had a proclivity for sexual torture. The fact that the ghost rape wasn't shown really cheesed me off though cause she was pretty damn hot.
Anyway, once the 3 old college pals realize they're all being haunted they contact a team of ghost hunters and the movie kind of goes in the shitter from there. Not that it's overly bad it just slowly goes downhill right up to the final silly scenes that do a disservice to the greatness of the early part of the film.
There's a point in the movie where they think they've broken the curse, if you turn it off right there you'll be much happier than if you try and sit thru the last 35 minutes.
Almost, but not quite, for The Gravedancers.
2008 Horror Fest: Day Of The Dead: 10 Out Of 100 Stars
Really just about as plain a paint by numbers, no drama, no fun, nothing of a movie as you can get. I only even bothered to watch this because I came upon some pictures of a hot chick named Christa Campbell or something, who is in it. Unfortunately she plays a mother and isn't used for the slightest bit of sex appeal.
We get a cold open with a military blockade on the only road out of town, the infestation has apparently begun but we're never shown the how or why. I think Ving Rhams plays a general or something, pretty sure it's him. The main army girl is about 23 years old and luckily enough is from this very town so she along with the cliche hick soldier who has a puppy dog crush on her, and the hip, wise cracking, black soldier all team up to try and get out of town. Along the way they hook up with her little brother and his girlfriend.
The gore is OK enough but there is literally nothing here that isn't a rehash of every zombie movie ever without even the slightest attempt at originality. Zombies come after people, zombies are shot, zombies chase the leads, the leads run, blah blah blah. Fun sequence where the love struck hick soldier is bitten but army girl can't bring herself to shoot him because "he still seems human", so she handcuffs him and keeps him with her and the group. About 10 seconds later she runs over her zombie mother, gets out of the car and proclaims to her little brother "that wasn't mom any more".
So the group gets out into the woods and hides in a shack in the middle of nowhere which conveniently leads to an underground testing facility where it appears the government was working on viruses and one of them unfortunately mutated and got out.
Some people die, some survive, blah blah blah.
One wonders why you would spend any budget on a film so devoid of originality and effort. They literally start the movie in the middle of every typical zombie story and end it with the same ending of every typical zombie movie, and littered in between are you typical point A's to point B's plot developments. There really isn't a single redeeming thing about this film.
We get a cold open with a military blockade on the only road out of town, the infestation has apparently begun but we're never shown the how or why. I think Ving Rhams plays a general or something, pretty sure it's him. The main army girl is about 23 years old and luckily enough is from this very town so she along with the cliche hick soldier who has a puppy dog crush on her, and the hip, wise cracking, black soldier all team up to try and get out of town. Along the way they hook up with her little brother and his girlfriend.
The gore is OK enough but there is literally nothing here that isn't a rehash of every zombie movie ever without even the slightest attempt at originality. Zombies come after people, zombies are shot, zombies chase the leads, the leads run, blah blah blah. Fun sequence where the love struck hick soldier is bitten but army girl can't bring herself to shoot him because "he still seems human", so she handcuffs him and keeps him with her and the group. About 10 seconds later she runs over her zombie mother, gets out of the car and proclaims to her little brother "that wasn't mom any more".
So the group gets out into the woods and hides in a shack in the middle of nowhere which conveniently leads to an underground testing facility where it appears the government was working on viruses and one of them unfortunately mutated and got out.
Some people die, some survive, blah blah blah.
One wonders why you would spend any budget on a film so devoid of originality and effort. They literally start the movie in the middle of every typical zombie story and end it with the same ending of every typical zombie movie, and littered in between are you typical point A's to point B's plot developments. There really isn't a single redeeming thing about this film.
2008 Horror Fest: Prey For The Beast: 15 Out Of 100 Stars
Hoochie Haboochie!!
This baby is something else.
Ok, so when the movie starts and the first things you notice are Brett Kelly Entertainment, Directed By Brett Kelly and Starring Brett Kelly, well you know you're probably in for a shit fest. Either this Brett Kelly fella is the worlds most multi talented, unknown film maker or he's a a dude with a love of slasher movies, A shiny new camera and overinflated sense of his abilities and talents. Listen, bless this dude for doing what he wants to do in life, but son of a bitch does he need to get a 9 to 5 job and leave the movie making to others.
I'm gonna give major spoilers, in fact I'll probably dissect every plot point in this review. You've been warned.
The first thing we notice is that it's not high end equipment being used in this film as from the very first shot it's clear that it's maybe one step above a home movie. But that can be overcome with solid story and acting. Unfortunately the story and the acting are inferior to the camera and camera work, which is saying something.
2 Campers are in the woods for the cold open, they get killed natch, not a horrid opening scene and we have yet to see the monster.
Now the real meat and potatoes of our story begins as we're introduced to one of the 4 male leads who really can't act, and whats written for him to say is not much better. He's going on a getaway survival weekend with his friends because one of them just found out his wife was cheating on him so this will be a good way to get him out of the city and maybe brighten his spirits.
Ok, the first thing that struck me in this scene was the brilliant writing "mmmm, whats that great smell? Eggs?" Apparently the man has never smelled eggs before and is infatuated with them. He and his girlfriend have a little row over him going away for the weekend but she finally relents and allows him to go. The acting and writing I can already tell will be pretty damn bad, and thank god most of the movie was filmed outdoors because Mr. Kelly loves to shoot close and from about the waist, making every fucking shot look awful and tight. Interiors are not his bag.
Now we get A LOOOOOOONNNNG opening credit sequence whose main point I can only imagine is to get all his friends names on screen for an extended period of time. It's interspersed with stock footage of mountains and shots the tip of a boat going down the river. As I will find out more than a few times in this film, this dude is either in love with extended shots of nothing happening or he had a ton of time to fill. Probably a little of both.
So 4 dudes are out in the middle of nowhere when we cut away to a photographer being chased by the beast. Apparently their is a legend about the beast and this photographer payed a dude to take him out here so he could get a snap shot. Besides the bad acting in this scene, we're given our first real look at the shoddy writing in the film as 1 minute the photog is trying to get away, the next minute he's trying to convince the guide to take him back. Later we see that the photog ran right up to the beast, stood in front of him, and started snapping pictures, and was then shocked that he was being attacked.
The guide is clearly not an actor, and I say that in the nicest way possible but god damn is he horrible. Luckily he's not on the screen for long.
On to this killer beast. Ok, the budget for this movie had to be about $500. The Beast looks like a giant Muppet, way overdone with unnecessary features that make how awful the suit is stand out. He's about 10 feet tall, has giant horns, giant mastodon teeth, and is clearly made of fabric, like really clearly. It looks like someone stitched a bunch of suede jackets together and glued dog hair on it.
Anyhoo, back to the main story. Luckily for the guys there are 4 girls also out in this remote area. They took a car and just hiked here. They have no equipment or supplies so one would wonder why exactly the fellas had to boat all the way down the river. Also the photog and his guide were near by so obviously this place aint all that remote.
The lead luckily brought a big bag of dope with him but upon discovering he had forgotten to bring rolling papers, he just tosses the bag away. Just so much silly shit in this film.
I think the word is called blocking? The way you frame your shot? Well this film excels at doing that awfully. For instance, numerous times people will wander off for about 5 seconds and end up being 200 yards away. People are constantly wandering off for no reason other than it's their time to get eaten by the beast. The framing of even regular shots is pretty horrid as well as as I said earlier, the director loves closeups at an upward angle, why? I don't know, but it's irritating as fuck.
There's an absurd subplot as 1 of the girls is a feminist and is aghast at men telling her what to do once the beast starts attacking. She's more upset with men telling her what to do than she is that a giant beast creature is killing them off. The guy who's wife cheated on him is of course mad at all womankind and slowly goes crazy after getting bitten by the beast. I think they were trying to add some sort of zombie element here but it's all so fuckin jumbled.
One by one they get clipped off when alone, despite as I said, none of them ever walking too far or too long. They walk or run the entire fucking movie and always seem to be right where they started. Despite having 4 hot chicks in the movie there isn't much sexuality and zero nudity. The effects are non existent as all the kills are quick cuts of a giant Muppet "eating" people. The gore is laughable as every kill involves someone spitting up blood, shaking and having their intestines hang out. Intestines by the way which also look like they were made out of fabric and probably reused for every kill scene. There's even a great moment where the creature is apparently supposed to be in the trees and one of the dudes yells "He's hopping from tree to tree!!" Followed by a shot of trees, nothing in them, just trees. No budget.
So 8 people are whittled down to 4, they of course split up and travel in different directions and again despite having been going in different directions for a good period of time, when confronted by the beast it takes them only a few seconds to run back to each other.
The end comes when there are only 2 women left, lesbians of course, and they are face to face with the beast. One of them has an axe, and this is great, throws it at the beasts head "killing him". I put that in quotes because yes, even though the beast is dead, they apparently didn't wanna ruin the suit so instead of the axe actually going into it's head it sort of just lands on it's head and is clearly being held up at the bottom so it rests there. Fucking awesome.
I've got to also talk about the 4 male leads. They MUST be Bret Kellys friends. I can't fathom these are actual actors. Bad actors trying to do dialog that's supposed to be funny but isn't is like, one of the greatest things ever. Add in the horrid cutting and bad directing and it just looks like 4 people doing awful monologues to a wall.
Some of you remember me talking about a friend who part of a film that was essentially a dude with a nice camera his parents paid for trying to do a zombie movie. It looked exactly like what it was, a badly shot film with bad actors, a bunch of his friends and a bunch of stuffed filmed in the woods because that was the only place they could shoot for free. This movie reminded me of that, except this was worse, and I never imagined I'd see a worse movie than that one.
To summarize. It's a horribly written. Horridly acted. Atrociously directed. Patently unfrightening film with laughable gore and zero budget. If you were to take 100 groups of 10 people, put them in the woods and tell them to make a horror movie, I'd bet about 90 of them could come up with better films than this. Bless Brett Kellys heart but he has no idea how to work a camera, edit a movie, write a movie or do anything involved with making a movie. Maybe he can cater, I dunno.
The 15 stars are for the unintended comedic value of the film. If you love watching sad, bad film making for the comedy of it all then this film is for you. Everyone else should stay away from this film school project masquerading as a legitimate film.
This baby is something else.
Ok, so when the movie starts and the first things you notice are Brett Kelly Entertainment, Directed By Brett Kelly and Starring Brett Kelly, well you know you're probably in for a shit fest. Either this Brett Kelly fella is the worlds most multi talented, unknown film maker or he's a a dude with a love of slasher movies, A shiny new camera and overinflated sense of his abilities and talents. Listen, bless this dude for doing what he wants to do in life, but son of a bitch does he need to get a 9 to 5 job and leave the movie making to others.
I'm gonna give major spoilers, in fact I'll probably dissect every plot point in this review. You've been warned.
The first thing we notice is that it's not high end equipment being used in this film as from the very first shot it's clear that it's maybe one step above a home movie. But that can be overcome with solid story and acting. Unfortunately the story and the acting are inferior to the camera and camera work, which is saying something.
2 Campers are in the woods for the cold open, they get killed natch, not a horrid opening scene and we have yet to see the monster.
Now the real meat and potatoes of our story begins as we're introduced to one of the 4 male leads who really can't act, and whats written for him to say is not much better. He's going on a getaway survival weekend with his friends because one of them just found out his wife was cheating on him so this will be a good way to get him out of the city and maybe brighten his spirits.
Ok, the first thing that struck me in this scene was the brilliant writing "mmmm, whats that great smell? Eggs?" Apparently the man has never smelled eggs before and is infatuated with them. He and his girlfriend have a little row over him going away for the weekend but she finally relents and allows him to go. The acting and writing I can already tell will be pretty damn bad, and thank god most of the movie was filmed outdoors because Mr. Kelly loves to shoot close and from about the waist, making every fucking shot look awful and tight. Interiors are not his bag.
Now we get A LOOOOOOONNNNG opening credit sequence whose main point I can only imagine is to get all his friends names on screen for an extended period of time. It's interspersed with stock footage of mountains and shots the tip of a boat going down the river. As I will find out more than a few times in this film, this dude is either in love with extended shots of nothing happening or he had a ton of time to fill. Probably a little of both.
So 4 dudes are out in the middle of nowhere when we cut away to a photographer being chased by the beast. Apparently their is a legend about the beast and this photographer payed a dude to take him out here so he could get a snap shot. Besides the bad acting in this scene, we're given our first real look at the shoddy writing in the film as 1 minute the photog is trying to get away, the next minute he's trying to convince the guide to take him back. Later we see that the photog ran right up to the beast, stood in front of him, and started snapping pictures, and was then shocked that he was being attacked.
The guide is clearly not an actor, and I say that in the nicest way possible but god damn is he horrible. Luckily he's not on the screen for long.
On to this killer beast. Ok, the budget for this movie had to be about $500. The Beast looks like a giant Muppet, way overdone with unnecessary features that make how awful the suit is stand out. He's about 10 feet tall, has giant horns, giant mastodon teeth, and is clearly made of fabric, like really clearly. It looks like someone stitched a bunch of suede jackets together and glued dog hair on it.
Anyhoo, back to the main story. Luckily for the guys there are 4 girls also out in this remote area. They took a car and just hiked here. They have no equipment or supplies so one would wonder why exactly the fellas had to boat all the way down the river. Also the photog and his guide were near by so obviously this place aint all that remote.
The lead luckily brought a big bag of dope with him but upon discovering he had forgotten to bring rolling papers, he just tosses the bag away. Just so much silly shit in this film.
I think the word is called blocking? The way you frame your shot? Well this film excels at doing that awfully. For instance, numerous times people will wander off for about 5 seconds and end up being 200 yards away. People are constantly wandering off for no reason other than it's their time to get eaten by the beast. The framing of even regular shots is pretty horrid as well as as I said earlier, the director loves closeups at an upward angle, why? I don't know, but it's irritating as fuck.
There's an absurd subplot as 1 of the girls is a feminist and is aghast at men telling her what to do once the beast starts attacking. She's more upset with men telling her what to do than she is that a giant beast creature is killing them off. The guy who's wife cheated on him is of course mad at all womankind and slowly goes crazy after getting bitten by the beast. I think they were trying to add some sort of zombie element here but it's all so fuckin jumbled.
One by one they get clipped off when alone, despite as I said, none of them ever walking too far or too long. They walk or run the entire fucking movie and always seem to be right where they started. Despite having 4 hot chicks in the movie there isn't much sexuality and zero nudity. The effects are non existent as all the kills are quick cuts of a giant Muppet "eating" people. The gore is laughable as every kill involves someone spitting up blood, shaking and having their intestines hang out. Intestines by the way which also look like they were made out of fabric and probably reused for every kill scene. There's even a great moment where the creature is apparently supposed to be in the trees and one of the dudes yells "He's hopping from tree to tree!!" Followed by a shot of trees, nothing in them, just trees. No budget.
So 8 people are whittled down to 4, they of course split up and travel in different directions and again despite having been going in different directions for a good period of time, when confronted by the beast it takes them only a few seconds to run back to each other.
The end comes when there are only 2 women left, lesbians of course, and they are face to face with the beast. One of them has an axe, and this is great, throws it at the beasts head "killing him". I put that in quotes because yes, even though the beast is dead, they apparently didn't wanna ruin the suit so instead of the axe actually going into it's head it sort of just lands on it's head and is clearly being held up at the bottom so it rests there. Fucking awesome.
I've got to also talk about the 4 male leads. They MUST be Bret Kellys friends. I can't fathom these are actual actors. Bad actors trying to do dialog that's supposed to be funny but isn't is like, one of the greatest things ever. Add in the horrid cutting and bad directing and it just looks like 4 people doing awful monologues to a wall.
Some of you remember me talking about a friend who part of a film that was essentially a dude with a nice camera his parents paid for trying to do a zombie movie. It looked exactly like what it was, a badly shot film with bad actors, a bunch of his friends and a bunch of stuffed filmed in the woods because that was the only place they could shoot for free. This movie reminded me of that, except this was worse, and I never imagined I'd see a worse movie than that one.
To summarize. It's a horribly written. Horridly acted. Atrociously directed. Patently unfrightening film with laughable gore and zero budget. If you were to take 100 groups of 10 people, put them in the woods and tell them to make a horror movie, I'd bet about 90 of them could come up with better films than this. Bless Brett Kellys heart but he has no idea how to work a camera, edit a movie, write a movie or do anything involved with making a movie. Maybe he can cater, I dunno.
The 15 stars are for the unintended comedic value of the film. If you love watching sad, bad film making for the comedy of it all then this film is for you. Everyone else should stay away from this film school project masquerading as a legitimate film.
2008 Horror Fest: Decoys 2, Alien Seduction: 25 Out Of 100 Stars
I'm probably rating this a little high based on the nice premise, that in no way delivers.
What we got here is the sequel to Decoys, naturally. I didn't see the first one but I don't fathom I missed much. It's pretty much a ripoff of the Species movies, with some basic twists and differences that don't enhance the idea one iota and completely lacks the energy and sexuality of said films.
The male lead from Decoys 1 returns, trying to convince himself that everything that happened in the original were simply hallucinations. I'd like to do the same with this movie, huzzah.
Premise is that an alien species which is down to like 4, needs human men to reproduce with, and during intercourse they shoot bad CGI gangly tentacles into their victims and impregnate them or something. Also it needs to be cold or something as if a human male is too warm the process wont work or some stupid back story like that, I dunno, it was all so silly. Luckily for the aliens, the college they are invading is in a town that's suffering it's worst cold spell in history.
Besides the male lead who's back at his alma matter as a teaching assistant, we have 4 main male characters who are all pretty much doofy and/or nondescript. The guys are having a sexual scavenger hunt to see who can score the most chicks, which is sort of odd considering none of them seem to be able to get laid.
Anyhoo, there are various scenes of attempted copulation, which despite the alien chicks being very hot, are as about as titillating as chicken soup. A movie whose main premise is that hot alien bitches are trying to fuck anything that moves, yet can still be so devoid of hotness is truly an amazing feat, but this baby pulls it off.
There's some titty, some slight gore, and a lot of stupid. The best thing i can say about the movie is that it's shot pretty well. The writing, the acting and the jokes are all sub standard. The effects are cheesy and the sexuality is pretty much non existent.
A 3rd rate Species trying to be funny but failing in pretty every aspect. Pass on it.
What we got here is the sequel to Decoys, naturally. I didn't see the first one but I don't fathom I missed much. It's pretty much a ripoff of the Species movies, with some basic twists and differences that don't enhance the idea one iota and completely lacks the energy and sexuality of said films.
The male lead from Decoys 1 returns, trying to convince himself that everything that happened in the original were simply hallucinations. I'd like to do the same with this movie, huzzah.
Premise is that an alien species which is down to like 4, needs human men to reproduce with, and during intercourse they shoot bad CGI gangly tentacles into their victims and impregnate them or something. Also it needs to be cold or something as if a human male is too warm the process wont work or some stupid back story like that, I dunno, it was all so silly. Luckily for the aliens, the college they are invading is in a town that's suffering it's worst cold spell in history.
Besides the male lead who's back at his alma matter as a teaching assistant, we have 4 main male characters who are all pretty much doofy and/or nondescript. The guys are having a sexual scavenger hunt to see who can score the most chicks, which is sort of odd considering none of them seem to be able to get laid.
Anyhoo, there are various scenes of attempted copulation, which despite the alien chicks being very hot, are as about as titillating as chicken soup. A movie whose main premise is that hot alien bitches are trying to fuck anything that moves, yet can still be so devoid of hotness is truly an amazing feat, but this baby pulls it off.
There's some titty, some slight gore, and a lot of stupid. The best thing i can say about the movie is that it's shot pretty well. The writing, the acting and the jokes are all sub standard. The effects are cheesy and the sexuality is pretty much non existent.
A 3rd rate Species trying to be funny but failing in pretty every aspect. Pass on it.
2008 Horror Fest: Dance Of The Dead: 72 Out Of 100 Stars
I could have rated this a full 10-20 points higher if not for a nagging feeling that it just didn't live up to it's potential. I'm not sure what the problem with it was but at times it felt like was following too exact a line of zombie movies, maybe lessening it's overall effect.
That said it's a very fun and funny zombie romp with a teenage twist. You see the zombies are menacing the town on prom night, leaving only the dweebs and broken hearted to try and save the rest of the school from an all out flesh eating attack.
It's shot wonderfully, the cast is excellent, the gore, effects and kills are all top notch and the comedy is outstanding.
It irritates to no end to think that tripe like Epic Movie and it's ilk get big budget full releases while a real outstanding comedy like this is cast off to the DVD bin. Such a fucking shame.
Has a nice 80's feel to it, although not overly so. I dare say that if John Hughes ever made a zombie movie, it would look a lot like this.
No nudity or serious sexual overtones but that's OK, it would be out of place in a film like this so it's good the director/writer didn't go lowbrow and kept an accurate tone to the film.
The use of music is also spot on, as Pat Benetars 'Shadows Of The Night' is used to glorious effect.
A super enjoyable, fun romp that is the perfect chill out, gross out comedy for adults and kids alike.
That said it's a very fun and funny zombie romp with a teenage twist. You see the zombies are menacing the town on prom night, leaving only the dweebs and broken hearted to try and save the rest of the school from an all out flesh eating attack.
It's shot wonderfully, the cast is excellent, the gore, effects and kills are all top notch and the comedy is outstanding.
It irritates to no end to think that tripe like Epic Movie and it's ilk get big budget full releases while a real outstanding comedy like this is cast off to the DVD bin. Such a fucking shame.
Has a nice 80's feel to it, although not overly so. I dare say that if John Hughes ever made a zombie movie, it would look a lot like this.
No nudity or serious sexual overtones but that's OK, it would be out of place in a film like this so it's good the director/writer didn't go lowbrow and kept an accurate tone to the film.
The use of music is also spot on, as Pat Benetars 'Shadows Of The Night' is used to glorious effect.
A super enjoyable, fun romp that is the perfect chill out, gross out comedy for adults and kids alike.
2008 Horror Fest: Wicked Lake: 33 Out Of 100 Stars
Holy Hell, what a jumbled mess this film is.
Let's start off with the good. Excellent use of sexuality and the 4 main female leads. There's a good deal of nudity, all of it shot well and titillatingly. The chicks are all attractive, sensual, and good enough actors.
The only other positive would be that it's humorous, but for all the wrong reasons. And more often than not the humor only goes so far before fading into stupidity.
Probably gonna be a little spoilery as I dissect and go over the film but I'll try not to be overly so.
Story revolves around a group of witches or....I dunno, the film never really explains what they are, but they're 4 hot chicks. In the opening scene we're introduced to what can only be described as a gay rain man who is taking an art class where one of the chicks is posing nude. Very bizarre opening that features absurd dialog and a superiorly pretentious extended opening credit sequence where it's clear that the director is very much in love with himself.
From there there is a trip to Wicked Lake by the ladies, who are following by gay rain man and his equally bizarre family who are bizarre it seems merely because the writer wanted to be as silly as possible. I imagine he was a big Troma fan back in the day, yet he captures none of the fun of what Troma was about. Now I mentioned that the fucked up family followed the girls to Wicked Lake, well the problem is that the movie never explains how they can do this since gay rain man and nude model chick only have 1 awkward conversation that in no way sets up the confrontation, the girls go to Wicked Lake, the family follows them, even though they have no way of knowing where they're going.
The biggest problem with the film, and there are many, is that it has no idea what it wants to be. At times it feels as if it's a caricature, others a straight comedy, and then a drama, and it will often flip flop multiple times in the same scene. It's just all over the fuckin place. Also, the audio is horrid, I mean to a really bad level. A lot of it seems like it's overdubbed, again badly, as voices just sort of fade and boom and generally irritate the ear.
So creepy family, complete with big brother, retard brother, gay rain man, and crazy wheelchair bound war hero, sexual deviant grandpa, show up at the cabin looking to rape or kill or torture or whatever.
At this point we're introduced to 2 new characters, cops, who will end up at the cabin to investigate things. These 2 fuckers are about the most absurdly written and portrayed characters one could imagine. They're even given they're own back story for no apparent reason. Old cop was partners with young cops dad and young cop is trying to live up to his fathers legacy. Yeah. The writing is as cliched as you can get and the acting is even worse. Old cop likes to shoot things and drink a lot, at first I thought it was a parody but then I realized I was giving the film makers way too much credit.
So yeah, besides all these characters we also get a couple of rednecks that the girls met at a rest stop on their way to the lake. The rednecks show up at the lake, despite the fact that again, there is no way they could have any idea where the girls were going. Is it really that hard to write a line of dialog that at least explains how everyone knows where the fuck these total strangers are going?
So everyone is together and there is a nice brief scene of mild sexual torture that's pretty well done, but eventually it all just breaks down into dumb chase and kill and gore that has zero effect, comedy or tension.
In the end it's just a mess of a film whose only saving grace is that it captures the sexuality of the 4 female leads very well, unfortunately the rest of the thing is a badly written, badly directed, badly acted shit fest that at times is so awful it's entertaining.
Let's start off with the good. Excellent use of sexuality and the 4 main female leads. There's a good deal of nudity, all of it shot well and titillatingly. The chicks are all attractive, sensual, and good enough actors.
The only other positive would be that it's humorous, but for all the wrong reasons. And more often than not the humor only goes so far before fading into stupidity.
Probably gonna be a little spoilery as I dissect and go over the film but I'll try not to be overly so.
Story revolves around a group of witches or....I dunno, the film never really explains what they are, but they're 4 hot chicks. In the opening scene we're introduced to what can only be described as a gay rain man who is taking an art class where one of the chicks is posing nude. Very bizarre opening that features absurd dialog and a superiorly pretentious extended opening credit sequence where it's clear that the director is very much in love with himself.
From there there is a trip to Wicked Lake by the ladies, who are following by gay rain man and his equally bizarre family who are bizarre it seems merely because the writer wanted to be as silly as possible. I imagine he was a big Troma fan back in the day, yet he captures none of the fun of what Troma was about. Now I mentioned that the fucked up family followed the girls to Wicked Lake, well the problem is that the movie never explains how they can do this since gay rain man and nude model chick only have 1 awkward conversation that in no way sets up the confrontation, the girls go to Wicked Lake, the family follows them, even though they have no way of knowing where they're going.
The biggest problem with the film, and there are many, is that it has no idea what it wants to be. At times it feels as if it's a caricature, others a straight comedy, and then a drama, and it will often flip flop multiple times in the same scene. It's just all over the fuckin place. Also, the audio is horrid, I mean to a really bad level. A lot of it seems like it's overdubbed, again badly, as voices just sort of fade and boom and generally irritate the ear.
So creepy family, complete with big brother, retard brother, gay rain man, and crazy wheelchair bound war hero, sexual deviant grandpa, show up at the cabin looking to rape or kill or torture or whatever.
At this point we're introduced to 2 new characters, cops, who will end up at the cabin to investigate things. These 2 fuckers are about the most absurdly written and portrayed characters one could imagine. They're even given they're own back story for no apparent reason. Old cop was partners with young cops dad and young cop is trying to live up to his fathers legacy. Yeah. The writing is as cliched as you can get and the acting is even worse. Old cop likes to shoot things and drink a lot, at first I thought it was a parody but then I realized I was giving the film makers way too much credit.
So yeah, besides all these characters we also get a couple of rednecks that the girls met at a rest stop on their way to the lake. The rednecks show up at the lake, despite the fact that again, there is no way they could have any idea where the girls were going. Is it really that hard to write a line of dialog that at least explains how everyone knows where the fuck these total strangers are going?
So everyone is together and there is a nice brief scene of mild sexual torture that's pretty well done, but eventually it all just breaks down into dumb chase and kill and gore that has zero effect, comedy or tension.
In the end it's just a mess of a film whose only saving grace is that it captures the sexuality of the 4 female leads very well, unfortunately the rest of the thing is a badly written, badly directed, badly acted shit fest that at times is so awful it's entertaining.
2008 Horror Fest: Trailer Park Of Terror: 67 Out Of 100 Stars
There is a lot to like about this film, unfortunately it sabotages itself from a technical standpoint from time to time.
First off the story is pretty original and well set up. Without getting too spoilery, the hick, redneck occupants of, yes, A Trailer Park, meet an untimely end. Their zombie corpses however make life hell for travelers thru their tiny neck of the woods and in the case of this movie, those travelers would be a group of lowlife teens coming thru town on a Christian Camp Excursion.
The characters are all at the very least decent and pretty well fleshed out, there's some decent skin although not overly sexual. The gore is fun, as are the kills. Much more of a comedy than the standard horror movie, the trailer park aspect is really played to the hilt as zombie rednecks reek havoc on the wayward teens.
When the movie clicks, it's really quite fun. There's a pretty awesome zombie dismemberment that had me rolling and perhaps the greatest amputation scene ever that had me cringing and belly laughing at the same time.
The problems in the film are a slight drag about midway thru as well as some really bad selections. At times the editing is so frenetic that it's hard to tell what's going on and even so, is headache inducing. There are so many characters that you don't really get all that into the main hero(s) because so many other kids have to be dealt with. There's very little tension building as it goes from point to point without much drama as to if or when someone is gonna be killed.
Some minor complaints, and while no means a great horror movie it does provide enough chuckles and winces, with an original enough take on the genre to be worthy of a watch. You'll have fun.
First off the story is pretty original and well set up. Without getting too spoilery, the hick, redneck occupants of, yes, A Trailer Park, meet an untimely end. Their zombie corpses however make life hell for travelers thru their tiny neck of the woods and in the case of this movie, those travelers would be a group of lowlife teens coming thru town on a Christian Camp Excursion.
The characters are all at the very least decent and pretty well fleshed out, there's some decent skin although not overly sexual. The gore is fun, as are the kills. Much more of a comedy than the standard horror movie, the trailer park aspect is really played to the hilt as zombie rednecks reek havoc on the wayward teens.
When the movie clicks, it's really quite fun. There's a pretty awesome zombie dismemberment that had me rolling and perhaps the greatest amputation scene ever that had me cringing and belly laughing at the same time.
The problems in the film are a slight drag about midway thru as well as some really bad selections. At times the editing is so frenetic that it's hard to tell what's going on and even so, is headache inducing. There are so many characters that you don't really get all that into the main hero(s) because so many other kids have to be dealt with. There's very little tension building as it goes from point to point without much drama as to if or when someone is gonna be killed.
Some minor complaints, and while no means a great horror movie it does provide enough chuckles and winces, with an original enough take on the genre to be worthy of a watch. You'll have fun.
2008 Horror Fest: Never Cry Werewolf: 38 Out Of 100 Stars
Really liked this movie for about half an hour or so. Has a real 80's vibe to it in the beginning thanks to location, shot selection and the very much "every girl, but still hot" teenage lead.
Once we get passed the intros and the setup it starts to fall apart a bit. There's very little in the way of intrigue as the mystery of what's happening is pushed to the side for an extended confrontation that didn't need to happen till the 3rd act, but instead happens near the end of the first act. The problem with that is once we know all the particulars it sort of goes from horror/mystery into Nickleodeonesque comedy, which just doesn't work. Kevin Sorbo as a chicken shit, washed up, TV hunting show star should be gold, but he's not given much to work with.
The special effects are horrid, just putrid. The main werewolf is atrocious looking, and a secondary werewolf is literally nothing more than a dude in bad, cheap, mask. It's distracting how bad it is.
Very much loved the casting of the leads as they all look like teenagers (don't know if they actually are or not) and not 25 year olds playing 17 year olds.
The guy who plays the neighbor however is supposed to be a hottie and instead looks like a young Robert Patrick whom i don't think anyone would ever consider leading romantic man material, but I can sort of overlook this.
As I said, it falls apart big time about half way thru once the chasing, hunting, killing starts as it goes from serious to comedy too much and drags on in a cliched, disappointing manner.
Once we get passed the intros and the setup it starts to fall apart a bit. There's very little in the way of intrigue as the mystery of what's happening is pushed to the side for an extended confrontation that didn't need to happen till the 3rd act, but instead happens near the end of the first act. The problem with that is once we know all the particulars it sort of goes from horror/mystery into Nickleodeonesque comedy, which just doesn't work. Kevin Sorbo as a chicken shit, washed up, TV hunting show star should be gold, but he's not given much to work with.
The special effects are horrid, just putrid. The main werewolf is atrocious looking, and a secondary werewolf is literally nothing more than a dude in bad, cheap, mask. It's distracting how bad it is.
Very much loved the casting of the leads as they all look like teenagers (don't know if they actually are or not) and not 25 year olds playing 17 year olds.
The guy who plays the neighbor however is supposed to be a hottie and instead looks like a young Robert Patrick whom i don't think anyone would ever consider leading romantic man material, but I can sort of overlook this.
As I said, it falls apart big time about half way thru once the chasing, hunting, killing starts as it goes from serious to comedy too much and drags on in a cliched, disappointing manner.
2008 Horror Fest: Rest Stop 2: 11 Out Of 100 Stars
Ok, I can finally talk about this I think.
Here's why it sucked. The story is dreadfully repetitive and filled with dream sequences that render themselves pointless the minute they end. The premise is that the brother of the male lead from Rest Stop 1 has just returned from Iraq and decides to go in search of his missing little brother. I should mention that he says the words "my little brother" about 10 times in his first scene, just so we don't forget who he is. His entire purpose in the film sees to be to utter grunting proclamations with almost no charisma.
He takes along his drunkard, whore girlfriend and his geek best friend, seemingly lifted right out of Porkys with him on his journey. The girlfriend is best friends with the lead female from Rest Stop 1 and the geek always had a crush on her.
Lemme take a moment to expound on some horror film cliches and script mechanisms. It's ok for characters to make bad decisions, it's even ok sometimes for them to make dumb decisions. But when a movie, such as this one, is filled with characters who serve no purpose but to make patently absurd decisions for no reason other than to short cut the story and avoid adding actual tension or drama, well that's when they fuckin suck.
It's just a film full of people making dumb decisions and acting in a way that in no way reflects the situation they're supposed to be in. When a truck is about to wipe out the portapotty you're in, you don't spend 5 minutes making poop jokes, you fear for your life, unless of course the only reason you're in the movie is to make poop jokes.
Anyway, the characters are written and portrayed badly, the bad guy(s) are given a slightly interesting back story but they do very little and what they do do they already did in the first one.
This is almost a perfect storm of shit as it seems that everyone involved in the making, writing and acting aspect of this movie is completely clueless as to how to do their job in any way.
Here's why it sucked. The story is dreadfully repetitive and filled with dream sequences that render themselves pointless the minute they end. The premise is that the brother of the male lead from Rest Stop 1 has just returned from Iraq and decides to go in search of his missing little brother. I should mention that he says the words "my little brother" about 10 times in his first scene, just so we don't forget who he is. His entire purpose in the film sees to be to utter grunting proclamations with almost no charisma.
He takes along his drunkard, whore girlfriend and his geek best friend, seemingly lifted right out of Porkys with him on his journey. The girlfriend is best friends with the lead female from Rest Stop 1 and the geek always had a crush on her.
Lemme take a moment to expound on some horror film cliches and script mechanisms. It's ok for characters to make bad decisions, it's even ok sometimes for them to make dumb decisions. But when a movie, such as this one, is filled with characters who serve no purpose but to make patently absurd decisions for no reason other than to short cut the story and avoid adding actual tension or drama, well that's when they fuckin suck.
It's just a film full of people making dumb decisions and acting in a way that in no way reflects the situation they're supposed to be in. When a truck is about to wipe out the portapotty you're in, you don't spend 5 minutes making poop jokes, you fear for your life, unless of course the only reason you're in the movie is to make poop jokes.
Anyway, the characters are written and portrayed badly, the bad guy(s) are given a slightly interesting back story but they do very little and what they do do they already did in the first one.
This is almost a perfect storm of shit as it seems that everyone involved in the making, writing and acting aspect of this movie is completely clueless as to how to do their job in any way.
2008 Horror Fest: Werewolf In A Womans Prison: 25 Out Of 100 Stars
This is intended as nothing more than schlock. It's a pure B movie and while I can't say that it is all together unfun to watch, it was equally wretched.
I'm not real familiar with this genre of film as I'm pretty sure the people who made it intended it to be cheesy and schlocky, compared to other utter crap which is intended to be good. So coming in I expected it to be bad, but also fun, alas it just wasn't all that much fun.
We start out somewhere in South America with a couple of campers. Right away I was perturbed by the fact that the sex was happening with the bitches panties on. I never understood that and I never will. Anyhoo, a meeting in the woods with the werewolf leaves the dude dead and the woman detained in a womans prison for the criminally insane.
Turns out they're in a fictional South American country and the man who runs the prison pretty much just finds tourists on the street and frames them so he can lock them up and he and his guards can fuck them.
Unfortunately for him this particular prisoner has been bitten by a werewolf and by the end of the film she gets revenge on them all.
Now, the acting and writing is horrible. The lines are intended to be hokey but instead of laughing at their hokeyness i just sat there thinking it was hokey. The dessert is full of lush greenery and rivers. The werewolf looks more like a giant Tarantula. Scenes supposed to be at night are clearly occurring during the day, a lot of scenes go back and forth from night to day depending on where they are. The lead is the least attractive woman in the movie. There's a lot of boobies and about 4 simulated sex scenes but again, they always fuck with panties on. There's nothing more infuriating than a chick bent over acting like she's being fucked when her panties are clearly on. The special effects are so bad, and not laughable bad, but distracting bad. Gunfire is a myriad of random photoshop blasts that make it hard to see anything that's supposed to be happening. Every time someone gets attacked they end up with what appears to be hamburger layered on their chest or neck. Seriously, every wound looks the same, because it pretty much is. There's a great scene at the end where we get a nice shot of a paper mache head right before it's ripped off. A balloon would have looked better.
So yeah, there are a few giggles early at the awfulness of it but once you get used to it it ceases to be funny and just gets irritating. Word on the street is that a lot of people enjoy this genre but I can't imagine who or why would like a whole world of movies like this one.
I'm not real familiar with this genre of film as I'm pretty sure the people who made it intended it to be cheesy and schlocky, compared to other utter crap which is intended to be good. So coming in I expected it to be bad, but also fun, alas it just wasn't all that much fun.
We start out somewhere in South America with a couple of campers. Right away I was perturbed by the fact that the sex was happening with the bitches panties on. I never understood that and I never will. Anyhoo, a meeting in the woods with the werewolf leaves the dude dead and the woman detained in a womans prison for the criminally insane.
Turns out they're in a fictional South American country and the man who runs the prison pretty much just finds tourists on the street and frames them so he can lock them up and he and his guards can fuck them.
Unfortunately for him this particular prisoner has been bitten by a werewolf and by the end of the film she gets revenge on them all.
Now, the acting and writing is horrible. The lines are intended to be hokey but instead of laughing at their hokeyness i just sat there thinking it was hokey. The dessert is full of lush greenery and rivers. The werewolf looks more like a giant Tarantula. Scenes supposed to be at night are clearly occurring during the day, a lot of scenes go back and forth from night to day depending on where they are. The lead is the least attractive woman in the movie. There's a lot of boobies and about 4 simulated sex scenes but again, they always fuck with panties on. There's nothing more infuriating than a chick bent over acting like she's being fucked when her panties are clearly on. The special effects are so bad, and not laughable bad, but distracting bad. Gunfire is a myriad of random photoshop blasts that make it hard to see anything that's supposed to be happening. Every time someone gets attacked they end up with what appears to be hamburger layered on their chest or neck. Seriously, every wound looks the same, because it pretty much is. There's a great scene at the end where we get a nice shot of a paper mache head right before it's ripped off. A balloon would have looked better.
So yeah, there are a few giggles early at the awfulness of it but once you get used to it it ceases to be funny and just gets irritating. Word on the street is that a lot of people enjoy this genre but I can't imagine who or why would like a whole world of movies like this one.
2008 Horror Fest: Blackwater: 55 Out Of 100 Stars
Aussie fare about 3 people, 2 sisters and one sisters husband who want to go on a fishing tour and end up getting trapped in a tree from a croc by crikey!
Here we got a solid enough exercise in film making, acting and some suspense but all in all i didn't really care about the character too much. Didn't even come close to affecting me as much as Deep Water did. Best parts of the film were when the croc by crickey would seemingly eyeball them and let them know who was boss and that they best not wander down out that tree.
I never really felt the direness from their situation that I guess was to be intended, I just kept wondering why they didn't try and get a fire going and make some torches
Here we got a solid enough exercise in film making, acting and some suspense but all in all i didn't really care about the character too much. Didn't even come close to affecting me as much as Deep Water did. Best parts of the film were when the croc by crickey would seemingly eyeball them and let them know who was boss and that they best not wander down out that tree.
I never really felt the direness from their situation that I guess was to be intended, I just kept wondering why they didn't try and get a fire going and make some torches
Thursday, November 15, 2012
2008 Horror Fest: Doomsday: 65 Out Of 100 Stars
I decided to give this previously passed up film a go after reading some good thoughts on it over at DVDR, I'm glad I did although i'm not quite as giddy about it as some of the aforementioned reviewers.
I wavered a lot in my final rating for reasons I'll delve into right now. On one hand this is a movie that is both fun to watch and has fun with it's material. On the other hand it's a movie that borrows amazingly liberally from a bunch of other movies and never quite feels like it's it's own film.
I'll try not to spoil much in giving some details of the movie but the basic premise is that a virus has broken out, Scotland has been quarantined, and decades later the British PM decides to send an army unit in when it appears that there are survivors out and about who show no signs of infection. The job of the army unit is to find out if a cure exists and bring it back.
Rhona Mitra stars as a bad ass military chick who leads the team and she's quite pleasant to watch and does a magnificent job in her role. The previously mentioned problem is that at times the movie feels as if we're watching scenes taken from 28 Days Later, Mad Max, Braveheart and Return Of The Jedi.
This is not to say that the scenes aren't fun, they pretty much are. It's just that they all feel like less of an homage and more of a lifting. The shots and acting are all very good and every advancing scenario made me giddy, going from wasteland, to highlands to highway chases. But once the initial giddiness wore off, the lack of originality set in.
Odd that at once I'd call this one of the more fearlessly original movies I've ever seen and at the same time a brazen rehashing of many films. I give the film makers credit though, it's never dull.
I wavered a lot in my final rating for reasons I'll delve into right now. On one hand this is a movie that is both fun to watch and has fun with it's material. On the other hand it's a movie that borrows amazingly liberally from a bunch of other movies and never quite feels like it's it's own film.
I'll try not to spoil much in giving some details of the movie but the basic premise is that a virus has broken out, Scotland has been quarantined, and decades later the British PM decides to send an army unit in when it appears that there are survivors out and about who show no signs of infection. The job of the army unit is to find out if a cure exists and bring it back.
Rhona Mitra stars as a bad ass military chick who leads the team and she's quite pleasant to watch and does a magnificent job in her role. The previously mentioned problem is that at times the movie feels as if we're watching scenes taken from 28 Days Later, Mad Max, Braveheart and Return Of The Jedi.
This is not to say that the scenes aren't fun, they pretty much are. It's just that they all feel like less of an homage and more of a lifting. The shots and acting are all very good and every advancing scenario made me giddy, going from wasteland, to highlands to highway chases. But once the initial giddiness wore off, the lack of originality set in.
Odd that at once I'd call this one of the more fearlessly original movies I've ever seen and at the same time a brazen rehashing of many films. I give the film makers credit though, it's never dull.
2008 Horror Fest: Witches Night: 35 Out Of 100 Stars
Shame, this movie was easily heading into "over 50" territory and then boom, it failed at all the important aspects.
Tagline is that a group of guys get seduced by a group of witches and chaos ensues, yadda yadda. I think to myself, "witches are hot, murdering sex witches are even hotter", so off I went.
Let's start with the good since, we'll, it starts off good. 4 guys are out in the middle of nowhere. All the characters are well written, all the actors are solid. The writing is good. Yes it's a standard horror situation but you can tell there was some time put into the back story of why these guys are here, what their motivations are etc, I was digging it.
Guys decide to go camping and upon doing so meet up with 4 pretty hot chicks. Still going good.
Now then. We see very little sex, just a few titty shots, and what is set up very nicely is delivered upon poorly and pisses me off. I'm about fucking tired of movies using sex and nudity as a tag line and then not only wimping out, but as I'll get to later, fucking insulting my intelligence.
So 1 of 2 main sex scenes in the movie passes with what, outside of some titty, is essentially a pg13 scene. Fine, let's move on.
Here the story veers into the chase and be chased, none of it very exciting. Each guy comes down with an affliction that the movie can never quite decide if it's to be played for realsies or for laughs. The chase includes canoes, thus is slow as fuck and rather boring. Also of note is that the male characters buy into the premise of witches way too easy. "Oh we're all sick, oh there were stories of witches, we must run because those girls must be witches". For as much time spent on the nicely done setup they just switch into cliche mode so fast it'll make your head spin and it really disappointed me.
Sex scene number 2 comes along and what is supposed to be a lesbian orgy is not shown at all, then a m/f sex ritual occurs while the woman clearly has bottoms on and alas, also has a top on. COME THE FUCK ON.
The chase is bad, the kills are OK save for the very end which is just retarded.
Funny, before anything had really happened I was thinking how good a horror movie this was, and then they went and botched the suspense, horror and sexuality. My rating steadily decreased over the last 35 minutes when a few gory kills and a hot sex scene or ass shot would of sated me just fine.
Almost Witches Night, almost
Tagline is that a group of guys get seduced by a group of witches and chaos ensues, yadda yadda. I think to myself, "witches are hot, murdering sex witches are even hotter", so off I went.
Let's start with the good since, we'll, it starts off good. 4 guys are out in the middle of nowhere. All the characters are well written, all the actors are solid. The writing is good. Yes it's a standard horror situation but you can tell there was some time put into the back story of why these guys are here, what their motivations are etc, I was digging it.
Guys decide to go camping and upon doing so meet up with 4 pretty hot chicks. Still going good.
Now then. We see very little sex, just a few titty shots, and what is set up very nicely is delivered upon poorly and pisses me off. I'm about fucking tired of movies using sex and nudity as a tag line and then not only wimping out, but as I'll get to later, fucking insulting my intelligence.
So 1 of 2 main sex scenes in the movie passes with what, outside of some titty, is essentially a pg13 scene. Fine, let's move on.
Here the story veers into the chase and be chased, none of it very exciting. Each guy comes down with an affliction that the movie can never quite decide if it's to be played for realsies or for laughs. The chase includes canoes, thus is slow as fuck and rather boring. Also of note is that the male characters buy into the premise of witches way too easy. "Oh we're all sick, oh there were stories of witches, we must run because those girls must be witches". For as much time spent on the nicely done setup they just switch into cliche mode so fast it'll make your head spin and it really disappointed me.
Sex scene number 2 comes along and what is supposed to be a lesbian orgy is not shown at all, then a m/f sex ritual occurs while the woman clearly has bottoms on and alas, also has a top on. COME THE FUCK ON.
The chase is bad, the kills are OK save for the very end which is just retarded.
Funny, before anything had really happened I was thinking how good a horror movie this was, and then they went and botched the suspense, horror and sexuality. My rating steadily decreased over the last 35 minutes when a few gory kills and a hot sex scene or ass shot would of sated me just fine.
Almost Witches Night, almost
2008 Horror Fest: Prom Night: 36 Out Of 100 Stars
It isn't bad. It's not technically flawed, It's just boring. Full of high school girls, but of course since they're high school girls you never see anything. Kills are all bleh. There is a decent amount of suspense but near the end the plot dumbs way down. Character development is pretty non existant so none of the kills really even matter. Still, I watched it all and am now a little creeped out to be here in the dark. Maybe my subconscious is giving it a higher score.
2008 Horror Fest: The Evil Woods: 30 Out Of 100 Stars
First things first, the movie probably isn't even worthy of a 30. Let's disect.
What we have here is the story of 5 kids (college age), heading off for a weekend camp out. No cabin or nothin, they're roughing it with tents and a campfire. This is a perfectly acceptable setup to a horror movie, problem is that none of the chicks are very hot and when introduced to the lead male I though he may have been the worst actor I had ever seen.
Now, the film gets a 30 because what may have been awful acting by the lead, or just a really great performance of a douche, slipped into TNA, so bad it's good category. I legit lol'd a lot at the dude. Others will probably be annoyed beyond comprehension at him and that would be completely understandable, but for me, I love the dude.
The other characters are pretty stock. Lead males GF and tag along female 3-some partner. And another couple, a dude and his bitchy GF.
There's some nudity with the female 66.6% of the 3-some group but neither one is hot, the 3rd wheel has a big belly that only gets shown in distant shots when she's topless, heh.
As for the rest. There is zero suspense, a few shitty and pointless dream sequences, horrible kills and no action. How a "horror" movie can boast that is beyond me. All the characters are bitchy and boring and so you really don't care if they die. Then when they do die it's fuckin beyond shitty lame ass kill's that suggest an effects budget of about $30 was used.
The last 30 minutes of the movie are HORRID because that when all the stuff that doesn't happen, is happening.
Shit man. But the lead male was a fuckin trip to watch for a spell.
What we have here is the story of 5 kids (college age), heading off for a weekend camp out. No cabin or nothin, they're roughing it with tents and a campfire. This is a perfectly acceptable setup to a horror movie, problem is that none of the chicks are very hot and when introduced to the lead male I though he may have been the worst actor I had ever seen.
Now, the film gets a 30 because what may have been awful acting by the lead, or just a really great performance of a douche, slipped into TNA, so bad it's good category. I legit lol'd a lot at the dude. Others will probably be annoyed beyond comprehension at him and that would be completely understandable, but for me, I love the dude.
The other characters are pretty stock. Lead males GF and tag along female 3-some partner. And another couple, a dude and his bitchy GF.
There's some nudity with the female 66.6% of the 3-some group but neither one is hot, the 3rd wheel has a big belly that only gets shown in distant shots when she's topless, heh.
As for the rest. There is zero suspense, a few shitty and pointless dream sequences, horrible kills and no action. How a "horror" movie can boast that is beyond me. All the characters are bitchy and boring and so you really don't care if they die. Then when they do die it's fuckin beyond shitty lame ass kill's that suggest an effects budget of about $30 was used.
The last 30 minutes of the movie are HORRID because that when all the stuff that doesn't happen, is happening.
Shit man. But the lead male was a fuckin trip to watch for a spell.
2008 Horror Fest: The Happening: 67 Out Of 100 Stars
I really liked this movie. And I honestly have no clue what all the bitching and moaning is about except this disturbing inner notion that people have turned on M. Knight for reasons I can't quite comprehend.
The story is basic, simple and very suspenseful. Big occurrences come with the proper shock and awe that all good suspense movies strive for and so very few achieve. In fact as I watched this, observing, not lamenting the slower pace I found myself in anticipation of what would happen next, not in boredom as I suspect a lot of the critics were.
Knights actors have always presented a stilted way of talk, a more reserved way of doing things. What others are calling bad acting I believe is in fact very true to the way of how he wants his characters to behave and come across. I felt in this film and in his previous films that this behavior is right in tune with the mysterious backdrops of his stories.
If he ever returns to his halcyon days of public and critical praise I think it will be with a movie much like this than reprising the "shocking" twists of his early works. A subtle, low key but highly suspenseful movie.
In summation, it's slow but doesn't drag, contains mystery and otherworldly elements but doesn't bombard you with supernatural cockamamie and really is a nice film.
The story is basic, simple and very suspenseful. Big occurrences come with the proper shock and awe that all good suspense movies strive for and so very few achieve. In fact as I watched this, observing, not lamenting the slower pace I found myself in anticipation of what would happen next, not in boredom as I suspect a lot of the critics were.
Knights actors have always presented a stilted way of talk, a more reserved way of doing things. What others are calling bad acting I believe is in fact very true to the way of how he wants his characters to behave and come across. I felt in this film and in his previous films that this behavior is right in tune with the mysterious backdrops of his stories.
If he ever returns to his halcyon days of public and critical praise I think it will be with a movie much like this than reprising the "shocking" twists of his early works. A subtle, low key but highly suspenseful movie.
In summation, it's slow but doesn't drag, contains mystery and otherworldly elements but doesn't bombard you with supernatural cockamamie and really is a nice film.
2008 Horror Fest: The Lodge: 20 Out Of 100 Stars
Alright, this whole thing is gonna be spoilers, be warned.
So the tag line for this little gem was that it was about a couple going on a sex filled retreat to a secluded lodge only to, of course, be terrorized. "Wooohooo" I thinks to myself. Boobies, fuckin and gore!! WRONG!
So the lovely young couple, including a pretty nice looking female lead, travel up to this lodge that the pretty well off boyfriend has booked all for themselves for the entire weekend, fair enough. Upon their arrival they meet what we are too assume is the owner of the lodge. Now the owner acts as if he was not expecting this couple, which ought send off alarm bells in the young duo, but no.
Fast forward thru the first day where we are greeted with awkward dialog and un suspenseful suspense. To say it drags a bit as we wait for the fireworks would be an understatement. We see the chick in a bikini and short shorts but no nudity, I'm starting to get displeased.
Finally on the 2nd day the couple goes on a hike and finds a car abandoned with blood on the doors. They also find a wallet and realize the man they think is the owner of the lodge is in fact not. Yeah, didn't see that one coming.
They rush back to the house to find their phones are gone, the girls panties have been co-opted and general shenanigans have gone on. They also find a dirty (as in dirt covered) young girl hiding in the closet. Gotta help the girl obviously, so they all attempt to run away only for the girl to turn heel and help what is revealed to be her psycho dad capture the young couple.
Dude ties the boyfriend up and puts him in the attic and then rapes the girlfriend. Do we get to see any of it? No. Is there even any nudity? No. Does the killer even take his pants off to rape her? No. Ok look, I know people may think this is creepy, but ya gotta show some sexual torture and nudity here, it's what the fuckin movies tag line is based on for fuck sakes. Either the chick refused nudity or it just wasn't written in, whatever the reason it needed to be absolved before shooting fuckin began. And if you're the killer, and are waiting to rape this bitch, wouldn't you just kill the boyfriend and spend a day or 2 playing with the sweet piece of ass? No, the dude just gives her a quick 2 minute pump with both their pants still halfway on and that's that. So absurd.
Anyway the Father and Daughter have a teased incestuous relationship, he fucks the victims, she slices and dices them. Of course there is a getaway, a chase and a fight. The couple (the girl actually) manage to off dear old dad in nothing more than a simple fight and head back to the house to get the keys to his car (he's pulled the wires on theirs). In a great scene the pair can see the keys thru the door, but it's locked, so they go all around the house but all the doors are locked. Do they decide to just kick the door in? No, they keep looking.
They finally find a way in and the boyfriend says "don't worry, there's 2 of us and 1 of her, i won't leave your side", then he suddenly starts vomiting from a supposed concussion that appears out of the blue, which of course means the girlfriend has to go get the keys by herself. And of course despite being bigger and stronger than the girl she gets herself into perilous trouble before boyfriend suddenly reappears and saves her. Concussion apparently a thing of the past, HE drives them away.
Oh yeah, I should add that after the girl kills the murderer she laments and cries over how she's just killed another human being, despite the fact that he was about to kill them both and had already raped her. Then later when the boyfriend knocks the shit out of the young girl she says "we need to get her to a hospital!" lol, what?
As they sit in the car she asks the boyfriend why they he brought her here, at which point he looks at an engagement ring in his hand and shoves it back in his pocket, awwwwwww, murderers ruined his proposal
As the car pulls away we're treated to an exterior shot of the car and the little girl pops up in the backseat as scary music plays and we're all left to wonder fearfully what the fate of our young couple will be. Like anyone could fucking care. So apparently they just picked up the girl and put her in the backseat instead of just leaving her at the lodge or tying her the fuck up.
Starts off with a horror genre setup, rolls into Henry Portrait Of A Serial Killer, and then becomes a slasher/chase film, succeeding at none of them.
Best recommendation to avoid, The Lodge is no place to spend 90 minutes of your life.
So the tag line for this little gem was that it was about a couple going on a sex filled retreat to a secluded lodge only to, of course, be terrorized. "Wooohooo" I thinks to myself. Boobies, fuckin and gore!! WRONG!
So the lovely young couple, including a pretty nice looking female lead, travel up to this lodge that the pretty well off boyfriend has booked all for themselves for the entire weekend, fair enough. Upon their arrival they meet what we are too assume is the owner of the lodge. Now the owner acts as if he was not expecting this couple, which ought send off alarm bells in the young duo, but no.
Fast forward thru the first day where we are greeted with awkward dialog and un suspenseful suspense. To say it drags a bit as we wait for the fireworks would be an understatement. We see the chick in a bikini and short shorts but no nudity, I'm starting to get displeased.
Finally on the 2nd day the couple goes on a hike and finds a car abandoned with blood on the doors. They also find a wallet and realize the man they think is the owner of the lodge is in fact not. Yeah, didn't see that one coming.
They rush back to the house to find their phones are gone, the girls panties have been co-opted and general shenanigans have gone on. They also find a dirty (as in dirt covered) young girl hiding in the closet. Gotta help the girl obviously, so they all attempt to run away only for the girl to turn heel and help what is revealed to be her psycho dad capture the young couple.
Dude ties the boyfriend up and puts him in the attic and then rapes the girlfriend. Do we get to see any of it? No. Is there even any nudity? No. Does the killer even take his pants off to rape her? No. Ok look, I know people may think this is creepy, but ya gotta show some sexual torture and nudity here, it's what the fuckin movies tag line is based on for fuck sakes. Either the chick refused nudity or it just wasn't written in, whatever the reason it needed to be absolved before shooting fuckin began. And if you're the killer, and are waiting to rape this bitch, wouldn't you just kill the boyfriend and spend a day or 2 playing with the sweet piece of ass? No, the dude just gives her a quick 2 minute pump with both their pants still halfway on and that's that. So absurd.
Anyway the Father and Daughter have a teased incestuous relationship, he fucks the victims, she slices and dices them. Of course there is a getaway, a chase and a fight. The couple (the girl actually) manage to off dear old dad in nothing more than a simple fight and head back to the house to get the keys to his car (he's pulled the wires on theirs). In a great scene the pair can see the keys thru the door, but it's locked, so they go all around the house but all the doors are locked. Do they decide to just kick the door in? No, they keep looking.
They finally find a way in and the boyfriend says "don't worry, there's 2 of us and 1 of her, i won't leave your side", then he suddenly starts vomiting from a supposed concussion that appears out of the blue, which of course means the girlfriend has to go get the keys by herself. And of course despite being bigger and stronger than the girl she gets herself into perilous trouble before boyfriend suddenly reappears and saves her. Concussion apparently a thing of the past, HE drives them away.
Oh yeah, I should add that after the girl kills the murderer she laments and cries over how she's just killed another human being, despite the fact that he was about to kill them both and had already raped her. Then later when the boyfriend knocks the shit out of the young girl she says "we need to get her to a hospital!" lol, what?
As they sit in the car she asks the boyfriend why they he brought her here, at which point he looks at an engagement ring in his hand and shoves it back in his pocket, awwwwwww, murderers ruined his proposal
As the car pulls away we're treated to an exterior shot of the car and the little girl pops up in the backseat as scary music plays and we're all left to wonder fearfully what the fate of our young couple will be. Like anyone could fucking care. So apparently they just picked up the girl and put her in the backseat instead of just leaving her at the lodge or tying her the fuck up.
Starts off with a horror genre setup, rolls into Henry Portrait Of A Serial Killer, and then becomes a slasher/chase film, succeeding at none of them.
Best recommendation to avoid, The Lodge is no place to spend 90 minutes of your life.
Bubble Boy: 72 Out Of 100 Stars
I'm not sure why I never watched this movie before, I think I just had it in my head that it was too goofball a concept and probably not all that well executed. I was pretty wrong.
The first 20 minutes or so are really well done and set up the ending wonderfully, it's almost like a modern day parable and I was genuinely touched by Bubble Boy and his love interest.
Once his girl goes off to get hitched and Bubble Boy decides to chase after her, the movie hit a bit of a lull for me and It fell into exactly what I suspected it would be. Fortunately, after that brief lull comes just a ton of fun and an outright warmhearted laugh fest. Bubble Boys adventurous journey to Niagra Falls, followed by a band of freaks, religious wackos and biker gang had me rolling in laughter and genuinely excited for the final scenes, which did not disappoint.
A funny, touching, film that really shouldn't be overlooked.
The first 20 minutes or so are really well done and set up the ending wonderfully, it's almost like a modern day parable and I was genuinely touched by Bubble Boy and his love interest.
Once his girl goes off to get hitched and Bubble Boy decides to chase after her, the movie hit a bit of a lull for me and It fell into exactly what I suspected it would be. Fortunately, after that brief lull comes just a ton of fun and an outright warmhearted laugh fest. Bubble Boys adventurous journey to Niagra Falls, followed by a band of freaks, religious wackos and biker gang had me rolling in laughter and genuinely excited for the final scenes, which did not disappoint.
A funny, touching, film that really shouldn't be overlooked.
Baby Mama: 75 Out Of 100 Stars
I laughed really hard a number of times despite the story being very obvious and cliche ridden. I like Fey and Poehler, they don't have to do much to make me laugh at them so if you differ in this regard maybe knock the review down a few notches on your own scale.
I think the standouts of the film who really helped set a nice base amidst all the whackery were Kinnear and the black bellhop, they really played their parts well and came off as a real people dealing in real situations while the ladies got their jokes and punchlines in, it was a nice combination. And while I thought he was for the most part funny, Poehlers boyfriend was a bit over the top and would have been a bit better served not to be so straight out of goofy hick boyfriend central casting. There was a real push and pull between real world drama and movie world goofiness which at times delivered an unnecessary dichotomy.
Steve Martin, why? I dunno. He was ok, but a lot of people could have played that role and honestly as the movie progressed I went from being overjoyed he was in it to sort of sad that he was wasted in it, but it's a bit role so I'm not gonna rail about it.
Overall a fun romp with a lot of funny people, it has a heart but doesn't get sappy and while it walks a tightrope it never quite falls off and delivers the goods if you're looking for a solid comedy from someone not named Apatow.
I think the standouts of the film who really helped set a nice base amidst all the whackery were Kinnear and the black bellhop, they really played their parts well and came off as a real people dealing in real situations while the ladies got their jokes and punchlines in, it was a nice combination. And while I thought he was for the most part funny, Poehlers boyfriend was a bit over the top and would have been a bit better served not to be so straight out of goofy hick boyfriend central casting. There was a real push and pull between real world drama and movie world goofiness which at times delivered an unnecessary dichotomy.
Steve Martin, why? I dunno. He was ok, but a lot of people could have played that role and honestly as the movie progressed I went from being overjoyed he was in it to sort of sad that he was wasted in it, but it's a bit role so I'm not gonna rail about it.
Overall a fun romp with a lot of funny people, it has a heart but doesn't get sappy and while it walks a tightrope it never quite falls off and delivers the goods if you're looking for a solid comedy from someone not named Apatow.
Iron Man: 60 Out Of 100 Stars
Fuck man, I almost feel like a grumpus for not digging this or Batman as much as I thought I should have. There will be a perfectly valid response to what I disliked about Iron Man and it is "It's a fuckin super hero movie you dumb douche". My complaint is, I never for a second bought that he could have built the first machine. The whole time i watched it I was rolling my eyes and feeling like a senior citizen complaining about shit. But alas, I didn't believe it and even though it was fun and Downey and Hurt were great, I could not get over the absurdity of it. I don't know why I didn't feel that way about Spiderman but I just didn't.
Now a little expounding on why I didn't love Batman all that much, in fact I'd knock my rating of that down about 10 points the more i think about it. I never bought Harvey Dent as a hero. From the first time I saw him I though he was smarmy, thus that entire arc didn't work for me at all. I liked Ledger but I'll be honest, Batman had no fuckin personality and was just a dude in a suit. Kilmer and Keaton both killed the version in this movie.
I gave them both above average ratings because it's not that I hated them, they were decent romps of mild fun, but all this talk about these being great films are just fanboy wanking and blind enthusiasm. Now I'm gonna go drink my prune juice.
Now a little expounding on why I didn't love Batman all that much, in fact I'd knock my rating of that down about 10 points the more i think about it. I never bought Harvey Dent as a hero. From the first time I saw him I though he was smarmy, thus that entire arc didn't work for me at all. I liked Ledger but I'll be honest, Batman had no fuckin personality and was just a dude in a suit. Kilmer and Keaton both killed the version in this movie.
I gave them both above average ratings because it's not that I hated them, they were decent romps of mild fun, but all this talk about these being great films are just fanboy wanking and blind enthusiasm. Now I'm gonna go drink my prune juice.
Postal: 10 Out Of 100 Stars
20 Stars If You Love Dave Foley, 10 Stars If You Have No Opinion Of Him, 0 Stars If You Actively Dislike Him.
Welp shit man, this here film is in a class of it's own. Not funny. Not so shitty it's funny. But also not So shitty it's shitty. No, this film delves into unheard of waters and is so shitty, It's not funny, but it is so shittily unfunny that it's So Shitty it's not funny that it's double shitty and becomes funny in it's unfunny shittyness.
When you have kids getting murdered, monkeys raping Vern Troyer, Dave Foley with his cock out taking a shit, babies getting smashed by trucks, a 400lb woman getting fucked and Taliban and Cult warring factions and you still can't get a laugh or a rise, well mister you've just earned my respect.
It start off fine enough with some decent humor as it sets up letting you know how absurd it's going to be. Then it proceeds to drop about 1000 one liners and bits that elicit no reaction at all. The humor is bad but more than that they act if it's subtle by immediately explaining each joke when it's done or hammering home it's point in case you didn't get it.
There's some funny violence and Dave Foley is always fuckin great and he does as good a job as can possibly be done with the material, getting it over on sheer inflection and deadpan. But the lead has no aura and even more so an anti badass quality about him that you never buy or laugh at him, he's just a dude pretending.
Vern Troyer plays himself in a role seemingly written just so they could say they had Vern Troyer raped by monkeys, which is funny if you think about, but as is the case with all of this film, saying the idea your watching in your head is 100 times funnier than actually watching Uwe Bolls execution of it.
Story is that a dude fed up with his shitty life tries and reconnect with his cult leading uncle and they hatch a plan to save his ministry by hijacking and selling some stuff. Problem is that the Taliban has the same idea. Shootouts that are giant, action packed, and boring as fuck. No movie has ever succeed like this one in making action so boring and jokes so unfunny.
In fact there's a joke with a 5 minute setup near the end of the film that we know is coming and we wait and wait and wait and when it finally happens it just falls dead flat. The fuckin editing sucks too. So much shit is always happening none of it captured in any kind of even mildly endearing way.
Once Foley dies the movie just meanders on for about half an hour in the most brain dead unimaginative fashion until a big laugh comes at the end.
Let me say that i laughed hard at some shit cause it was so raunchy and I'm fucking immature. But I laughed at the baseness itself fully realizing that no matter what context it was in I would laugh so I don't feel the film succeeded even i did laugh.
This here is a film that tries to poignant, raunchy, funny, absurd, action packed and tell a moral and it fails at every single one of them. FAILS WITH AN AMAZING GREATNESS OF FAIL. EPIC, MAGICAL, FAIL.
Welp shit man, this here film is in a class of it's own. Not funny. Not so shitty it's funny. But also not So shitty it's shitty. No, this film delves into unheard of waters and is so shitty, It's not funny, but it is so shittily unfunny that it's So Shitty it's not funny that it's double shitty and becomes funny in it's unfunny shittyness.
When you have kids getting murdered, monkeys raping Vern Troyer, Dave Foley with his cock out taking a shit, babies getting smashed by trucks, a 400lb woman getting fucked and Taliban and Cult warring factions and you still can't get a laugh or a rise, well mister you've just earned my respect.
It start off fine enough with some decent humor as it sets up letting you know how absurd it's going to be. Then it proceeds to drop about 1000 one liners and bits that elicit no reaction at all. The humor is bad but more than that they act if it's subtle by immediately explaining each joke when it's done or hammering home it's point in case you didn't get it.
There's some funny violence and Dave Foley is always fuckin great and he does as good a job as can possibly be done with the material, getting it over on sheer inflection and deadpan. But the lead has no aura and even more so an anti badass quality about him that you never buy or laugh at him, he's just a dude pretending.
Vern Troyer plays himself in a role seemingly written just so they could say they had Vern Troyer raped by monkeys, which is funny if you think about, but as is the case with all of this film, saying the idea your watching in your head is 100 times funnier than actually watching Uwe Bolls execution of it.
Story is that a dude fed up with his shitty life tries and reconnect with his cult leading uncle and they hatch a plan to save his ministry by hijacking and selling some stuff. Problem is that the Taliban has the same idea. Shootouts that are giant, action packed, and boring as fuck. No movie has ever succeed like this one in making action so boring and jokes so unfunny.
In fact there's a joke with a 5 minute setup near the end of the film that we know is coming and we wait and wait and wait and when it finally happens it just falls dead flat. The fuckin editing sucks too. So much shit is always happening none of it captured in any kind of even mildly endearing way.
Once Foley dies the movie just meanders on for about half an hour in the most brain dead unimaginative fashion until a big laugh comes at the end.
Let me say that i laughed hard at some shit cause it was so raunchy and I'm fucking immature. But I laughed at the baseness itself fully realizing that no matter what context it was in I would laugh so I don't feel the film succeeded even i did laugh.
This here is a film that tries to poignant, raunchy, funny, absurd, action packed and tell a moral and it fails at every single one of them. FAILS WITH AN AMAZING GREATNESS OF FAIL. EPIC, MAGICAL, FAIL.
You Don't Mess With The Zohan: 72 Out Of 100 Stars
A fun little movie that walks the line of comedy and preachyness very tightly but never quite goes wrong in doing so. It was nice to watch Sandler play a character besides Sandler for once and while I wasn't very often exploding in laughter it did move and stay at a steady comedic pace.
Anger Management: 35 Out Of 100 Stars
Jesus what an unbelievably shitty movie. The premise is about as absurd as could be, rendering alot of the jokes worthless. Of course they're unfunny on their own as well, but hey. To say that the script is ridiculous doesn't give the word ridiculous enough credit. Atrocious, hackneyed, cockeyed, shitty, cumfart writing, are all apt descriptions of the script. I laughed out loud a number of times I'll admit, and I guess i've given decent ratings to other bad movies that have succeeded in at least making me laugh, but I can't in good consciousness give this movie a decent rating.
Most of the laughs come from auxiliary characters giving their ridiculous lines with verve. John Reily and Woody Harrelson for instance brought the lulz, as does John Turturo. But the leads are just so blazingly dumb they don't belong anywhere near a big boys movie.
The twist at the end makes me think that about a week before production wrapped they realized how pathetic the final product looked and tried to salvage it, but the twist is just as preposterous as the rest of the film.
Anger Management will make you want to break things, like your dvd player and tv. Best to avoid.
Most of the laughs come from auxiliary characters giving their ridiculous lines with verve. John Reily and Woody Harrelson for instance brought the lulz, as does John Turturo. But the leads are just so blazingly dumb they don't belong anywhere near a big boys movie.
The twist at the end makes me think that about a week before production wrapped they realized how pathetic the final product looked and tried to salvage it, but the twist is just as preposterous as the rest of the film.
Anger Management will make you want to break things, like your dvd player and tv. Best to avoid.
Futurama, The Beast With A Billion Backs: 72 Out Of 100 Stars
I didn't like the new characters in the first movie and I didn't much like the new character in this one, but the story is a billion times better, the jokes are better and crisper and the pace is good.
This one felt much more like I was watching Futurama than the first one did. I dunno, maybe they needed a few at bats to get the rust out but as this baby progressed the hits just kept coming and coming. Solid, fun, romp.
This one felt much more like I was watching Futurama than the first one did. I dunno, maybe they needed a few at bats to get the rust out but as this baby progressed the hits just kept coming and coming. Solid, fun, romp.
Forgetting Sarah Marshall: 64 Out Of 100
Nowhere near the level of Virgin, Superbad, etc but still a pretty funny movie.
Problem is that for nearly 45 minutes I pretty much didn't like any of the characters because the motivations were so dumb. Eventually they fleshed out the story and made it damn decent but I was pretty underwhelmed for a good long stretch.
Even the bawdiness felt a little forced and not quite as side splitting funny as in previous Apatow productions. Here it seemed like schtick for schtick sake and it didn't quite work.
All in all it's good for a nice amount of laughs but as I said, don't expect a film on par with it's predecessors, cause it's not.
Problem is that for nearly 45 minutes I pretty much didn't like any of the characters because the motivations were so dumb. Eventually they fleshed out the story and made it damn decent but I was pretty underwhelmed for a good long stretch.
Even the bawdiness felt a little forced and not quite as side splitting funny as in previous Apatow productions. Here it seemed like schtick for schtick sake and it didn't quite work.
All in all it's good for a nice amount of laughs but as I said, don't expect a film on par with it's predecessors, cause it's not.
Balls Of Fury: 72 Out Of 100
A lot funner than I expected. While the lead is no great shakes, he does perfectly convey a sort of everyman low keyedness about him that really helps the film. Lopez is great as is Walken and I not only belly laughed a few times but I was happy thruought with the general tone of the film. Solid comedy.
Beouwolf: 71 Out Of 100 Stars
I hate cartoon movies. Hate them. That being said, the stories and the fights and the Angelina Jolie reeled me in and kept me pleased for a good long time. Some of the characters didn't come across well in whatever the fuck sort of animation this was called, but some, mainly the title character, were fucking awesome. Monsters, dragons, mutant Angelina Jolie fuck monsters. An all around good fuckin time.
Magnolia: 100 Out Of 100
I can only say this. No movie has ever made me feel like I felt watching Magnolia. I hurt so badly inside, and yet at the same time felt so much joy that it's hard to quantify or explain. William H Macy is amazing. Every story drained me emotionaly and the climactic wrapping of them all together left me blubbering like a baby.
The writing, acting, music, structure, narrative by Ricky Jay, the shots, the coloring all left me for 2 hours in what i can only describe as a dead zone of absolute emotion. It's like all the deaths I've ever experienced and cried and been saddened over in my life all formed a ball and lived inside my chest for the 2 hours I watched this move. When it ended I felt weightless. This thing built up inside of me and emotionally tore through me, and when it released it was like god himself had reached inside of me and taken all the hurt and sadness in my life and ripped it out. I have never been this touched by any work of art ever.
The writing, acting, music, structure, narrative by Ricky Jay, the shots, the coloring all left me for 2 hours in what i can only describe as a dead zone of absolute emotion. It's like all the deaths I've ever experienced and cried and been saddened over in my life all formed a ball and lived inside my chest for the 2 hours I watched this move. When it ended I felt weightless. This thing built up inside of me and emotionally tore through me, and when it released it was like god himself had reached inside of me and taken all the hurt and sadness in my life and ripped it out. I have never been this touched by any work of art ever.
Con Air: 100 Out Of 100
I hate when people say "You don't get it". I find it prickish and elitist. Yet when people denegrate or lambaste this film I often think to myself, "They just don't get it".
This is a film that is parodying both itself and the genre it exists in. It takes big name stars and puts them in the most ridiculous concept of a movie. A plane full of the worst criminals on earth. Of course the hero is so right out of central casting and every cliche hero in every dumb action movie ever. But Cage, in truly one of the most underrated performances ever, plays him with Olivieresque aplomb.
Of course shit goes wrong, because with the worlds most vile, most deranged lunatic (played with even more zest by John Malkovich) around, horrible things are bound to happen.
Throw in an awesome cast of eclectic baddies. A giant plane, refueling, crashing on the Vegas strip, firefights, etc etc, I mean Jesus Christ, how can you not love this fucking movie?
It's the Airplane (no pun intended) of action movies. The single funnest time I have ever had watching a movie, and it was only the 2nd movie to ever get my 100 rating. PERFECT!
This is a film that is parodying both itself and the genre it exists in. It takes big name stars and puts them in the most ridiculous concept of a movie. A plane full of the worst criminals on earth. Of course the hero is so right out of central casting and every cliche hero in every dumb action movie ever. But Cage, in truly one of the most underrated performances ever, plays him with Olivieresque aplomb.
Of course shit goes wrong, because with the worlds most vile, most deranged lunatic (played with even more zest by John Malkovich) around, horrible things are bound to happen.
Throw in an awesome cast of eclectic baddies. A giant plane, refueling, crashing on the Vegas strip, firefights, etc etc, I mean Jesus Christ, how can you not love this fucking movie?
It's the Airplane (no pun intended) of action movies. The single funnest time I have ever had watching a movie, and it was only the 2nd movie to ever get my 100 rating. PERFECT!
Strange Wilderness: 57 Out Of 100
A lot of this movie is really bad, with a lot of overdone, repetitive yelling that's supposed to be comedy and a lot of jokes that are flatter than a 6 year old girl. On the other hand it eeeks out a slightly above average rating due to the simple fact that I laughed very hard at least 6 or 7 times. Like mega hard. And it was all during the final hour. If you can hang in there past the really shitty first 30 minutes or so it turns out to have a nice LPM ratio.
Please note that from here on in, the Joey Institute Of Movie Reviews, or the JIOMR for short, will be converting to a 100 point must system for all future film reviews.
This decision came about because in rating Drillbit Taylor and Semi Pro, while they are only a star apart in my rating system, the truth is that if you broke each star into a quadrant of 25, Semi Pro would be in the high end of the 51-75 bracket while Drillbit would be in the middle end of the 26-50 quadrant. I needed a better way to display my true emotions and after an all-night meeting of the board, this is what I came up with, with the help of Rick Steiner and Hanah Montana figures. That's all.
Also, I'll be going back and re-rating my old reviews based on this new system. I expect to have this completed fully in due time, probably by the end of the day, unless i fall back asleep. That is really all.
Please note that from here on in, the Joey Institute Of Movie Reviews, or the JIOMR for short, will be converting to a 100 point must system for all future film reviews.
This decision came about because in rating Drillbit Taylor and Semi Pro, while they are only a star apart in my rating system, the truth is that if you broke each star into a quadrant of 25, Semi Pro would be in the high end of the 51-75 bracket while Drillbit would be in the middle end of the 26-50 quadrant. I needed a better way to display my true emotions and after an all-night meeting of the board, this is what I came up with, with the help of Rick Steiner and Hanah Montana figures. That's all.
Also, I'll be going back and re-rating my old reviews based on this new system. I expect to have this completed fully in due time, probably by the end of the day, unless i fall back asleep. That is really all.
Semi Pro: 83 Out Of 100 Stars
Why did people sleep on this fucker? This is an awesome fuckin movie. Dick Pepperfield is beyond the most fantastic movie character to emerge from the 2008 season. All the jokes are solid, nothing falls flat. It captures a silly era with just the right tone. We got some ass and some boobie, a lot of funny, and a solid story as the base. Again, why did people sleep on this? Fuck man.
Drillbit Taylor: 57 Out Of 100 Stars
Wilson is funny but you always get the sense that he's not bringing his A game. The kids in the movie vary from awesome (the tiniest), to good (the dork), to dreadfull (the fat kid). It never feels like an Apatow movie even though it tries to give you alot of heart it just never feels real. In what world are the bullies in the same class with the lead characters? At the end of the film it's established that they're 18 and 17 while the leads are just entering high school, real dumb fuckup.
There's a funny movie here, we just didn't get to see it.
There's a funny movie here, we just didn't get to see it.
John Rambo: 55 Out Of 100 Stars
Always seemed on the verge of becoming an above average movie and never quite made it. The kills were awesome.......and there were way too many of them. By the end I was bored.....bored with seeing people blown up. That ought be impossible.
The dialog had almost no essence behind it and instead of being able to grasp on to the idea of the film and present in a human fashion they just let the characters veer off into cliche land.
Still it was a fun little blow em up with a lot of good action so I was generally pleased.
1 problem. I wanted the girl to get raped. I wanted her to be gang banged and fed so much gook seed that she couldn't walk or breathe right. That would of made the violence at the end a little more fun to get into.
The dialog had almost no essence behind it and instead of being able to grasp on to the idea of the film and present in a human fashion they just let the characters veer off into cliche land.
Still it was a fun little blow em up with a lot of good action so I was generally pleased.
1 problem. I wanted the girl to get raped. I wanted her to be gang banged and fed so much gook seed that she couldn't walk or breathe right. That would of made the violence at the end a little more fun to get into.
Teeth: 62 Out Of 100 Stars
This is a 3 star movie that stretches too much and thus is a 2 star movie.
About a girl with teeth in her pussy. Yeah.
It's awesome, everything is awesome but too many scenes drag on for too long. Cut 15 minutes out and it's a much better movie. I mean I understand that the director was going for potency in letting things settle in in various scenes but they linger long after you've gotten the full effect.
Still, vagina teeth.
Give it a go.
About a girl with teeth in her pussy. Yeah.
It's awesome, everything is awesome but too many scenes drag on for too long. Cut 15 minutes out and it's a much better movie. I mean I understand that the director was going for potency in letting things settle in in various scenes but they linger long after you've gotten the full effect.
Still, vagina teeth.
Give it a go.
Bats 2: 4 Out Of 100 Stars
An evil doctor or scientist, i forget, doesn't matter, is hiding in the Balkan forest in Chechnya. A delta squad is assembled to go in and grab him. Of course the unknown is that the forest is filled with killer bats.
We have a Russian born, USA bread, Spanish looking CIA agent woman who goes with the delta force and of course is tougher than she appears and provides some dumb sexual tension dialogue.
The delta team itself has the guy who still don't follow rules and in fact is even read the cliche "YOU GOTTA FOLLOW ORDERS" bark by his commander early in the movie. I mean they fucking use every cliche in the book in this movie and then hammer them to death.
None of the delta force appears to be over 25, including a tiny little woman.
I mean fuck man, the premise of this movie should be easy as cake. You take a group of hot 20 somethings and have them end up chased by bats. Why in the world would you try to make this movie, with what appears to be no budget, a major military themed film? Everything from Iraq (where we first meet the special unit), to a simple briefing room, look shitty as hell.
Forests ought to be full of thick giant trees, not look like the woods down the road from my grandmothers house. It's a good long time before we ever even get to the fuckin bats cause they have to set up the shit backstory which includes rebels, russian army, a rogue doctor, a delta force, a "town that mysteriously dissapeared".
Now to the bats. They're laughable. It's all so very CGI that there just no suspense or pleasure in the kills, just too fuckin goofy looking. Every time a bat gets shot the same photoshop splatter appears.
Yeah, fuck it, i couldn't even finish it. The bats barely do anything, it's more a dumb ass story about the main delta force guy (the wildman!) and the doctor and CIA agent who can barely speak English. This is just A fuckin beyond awful piece of shit. I tap.
There is nothing remotely adequate about this fucker.
We have a Russian born, USA bread, Spanish looking CIA agent woman who goes with the delta force and of course is tougher than she appears and provides some dumb sexual tension dialogue.
The delta team itself has the guy who still don't follow rules and in fact is even read the cliche "YOU GOTTA FOLLOW ORDERS" bark by his commander early in the movie. I mean they fucking use every cliche in the book in this movie and then hammer them to death.
None of the delta force appears to be over 25, including a tiny little woman.
I mean fuck man, the premise of this movie should be easy as cake. You take a group of hot 20 somethings and have them end up chased by bats. Why in the world would you try to make this movie, with what appears to be no budget, a major military themed film? Everything from Iraq (where we first meet the special unit), to a simple briefing room, look shitty as hell.
Forests ought to be full of thick giant trees, not look like the woods down the road from my grandmothers house. It's a good long time before we ever even get to the fuckin bats cause they have to set up the shit backstory which includes rebels, russian army, a rogue doctor, a delta force, a "town that mysteriously dissapeared".
Now to the bats. They're laughable. It's all so very CGI that there just no suspense or pleasure in the kills, just too fuckin goofy looking. Every time a bat gets shot the same photoshop splatter appears.
Yeah, fuck it, i couldn't even finish it. The bats barely do anything, it's more a dumb ass story about the main delta force guy (the wildman!) and the doctor and CIA agent who can barely speak English. This is just A fuckin beyond awful piece of shit. I tap.
There is nothing remotely adequate about this fucker.
Cloverfield: 43 Out Of 100 Stars
Most of the 43 stars come from the expectation I had. I knew shit was gonna occur, and the waiting for it got my blood pumping. The actual execution to those jump moments were pretty damn good. Problem is there was alot of movie built around those moments, and it just wasn't very good.
Where to start? Well due to it's own hype, the first part of the movie, pre monster, bored me to death. I WANTED MONSTER.
Once things settled in I realized I didn't much care for the characters or the story being told, and that can be a problem. By the end even the monster wasn't so horrible as it really came across as too run of the mill sci-fi just on a grander scale.
So yeah, it was ok, nothing like what i was expecting or hoping (I'd have preferred more blow em up, less love story) but whatever.
Where to start? Well due to it's own hype, the first part of the movie, pre monster, bored me to death. I WANTED MONSTER.
Once things settled in I realized I didn't much care for the characters or the story being told, and that can be a problem. By the end even the monster wasn't so horrible as it really came across as too run of the mill sci-fi just on a grander scale.
So yeah, it was ok, nothing like what i was expecting or hoping (I'd have preferred more blow em up, less love story) but whatever.
National Lampoons, One, Two, Many: 20 Out Of 100 Stars
I'm adding a star because I had genuine interest in seeing Stuttering John on film. For those who arn't predisposed to that this is barely a 1 star movie.
Ok, on with the review.
This is a movie written by and starring former Howard Stern intern and current Tonight Show announcer John Melendez. I would guess that if it had been written by anyone else it would have been used for toilet paper instead of green lighted to a film.
Where to begin? Melendezs' writing and acting are both atrocious. He thinks everything he says is funny and laughs at himself after nearly every "punchline", he's really on level with some of the worst actors I've ever seen.
The story revolves him as a womanizer who after many failed relationships, decides he wants to find the perfect woman, one who will accept other women into their bed. So of course a search ensues for that perfect girl.
Once found we're treated to mishaps and miscommunications, laughter (not really) and tears (laughably).
Very few things in this movie work. The eventual girlfriend does an fine job playing a stock character who's motives and desires change for no reason other than because the script has to get from a to z.
Jeffrey Ross is nearly decent as the best friend delivering roast jokes in the form of dialog.
The whole idea that an actor in NYC (which is absurd enough to begin with as Ross and Melendez don't look like any successful actor you've ever seen) who has spent his whole life womanizing, yet has never met a woman into 3somes and salivates at the idea that their may be one out there is ridiculous enough for 1990, let alone 2008.
Just a real piece of shit.
Ok, on with the review.
This is a movie written by and starring former Howard Stern intern and current Tonight Show announcer John Melendez. I would guess that if it had been written by anyone else it would have been used for toilet paper instead of green lighted to a film.
Where to begin? Melendezs' writing and acting are both atrocious. He thinks everything he says is funny and laughs at himself after nearly every "punchline", he's really on level with some of the worst actors I've ever seen.
The story revolves him as a womanizer who after many failed relationships, decides he wants to find the perfect woman, one who will accept other women into their bed. So of course a search ensues for that perfect girl.
Once found we're treated to mishaps and miscommunications, laughter (not really) and tears (laughably).
Very few things in this movie work. The eventual girlfriend does an fine job playing a stock character who's motives and desires change for no reason other than because the script has to get from a to z.
Jeffrey Ross is nearly decent as the best friend delivering roast jokes in the form of dialog.
The whole idea that an actor in NYC (which is absurd enough to begin with as Ross and Melendez don't look like any successful actor you've ever seen) who has spent his whole life womanizing, yet has never met a woman into 3somes and salivates at the idea that their may be one out there is ridiculous enough for 1990, let alone 2008.
Just a real piece of shit.
2007 Year In Review
Ahhh, 2007. I didn't realize I had been writing reviews that long, although I do remember that,
The Woods Have Eyes
was the film that really inspired me. I had decided that Fall to try and squeeze in as many monster movies as I could and when I watched that gem I couldn't help but write a little review to document my thoughts on how bad it was.
I started writing mostly little blurbs for each movie I saw after that. The reviews from 2007 for the most part weren't that in depth but I was getting better at it as time went on, I think.
So anyway, going on memory, here is my Top 10 list for 2007. Movies aren't neccesarily going to be ranked in order of highest to lowest rating because I'm posting the movie ratings exactly as I wrote them at the time, I'm not going to go back and change them even if I disagree with them in hindsight. How I felt at the time is how I felt and the reviews reflect that. Secondly, a movie rated 95 because it's so horrible it's awesome is probably not gonna get ranked over a great movie that got an 85.
10 Best Movies Of 2007
1. Zodiac
2. Walk Hard
3. SuperBad
4. No Country For Old Men
5. Bug
6. The Assassination Of Jesse James
7. Charlie Wilsons War
8. Hot Rod
9. Snakes On A Plane
10. Hatchet
The Woods Have Eyes
was the film that really inspired me. I had decided that Fall to try and squeeze in as many monster movies as I could and when I watched that gem I couldn't help but write a little review to document my thoughts on how bad it was.
I started writing mostly little blurbs for each movie I saw after that. The reviews from 2007 for the most part weren't that in depth but I was getting better at it as time went on, I think.
So anyway, going on memory, here is my Top 10 list for 2007. Movies aren't neccesarily going to be ranked in order of highest to lowest rating because I'm posting the movie ratings exactly as I wrote them at the time, I'm not going to go back and change them even if I disagree with them in hindsight. How I felt at the time is how I felt and the reviews reflect that. Secondly, a movie rated 95 because it's so horrible it's awesome is probably not gonna get ranked over a great movie that got an 85.
10 Best Movies Of 2007
1. Zodiac
2. Walk Hard
3. SuperBad
4. No Country For Old Men
5. Bug
6. The Assassination Of Jesse James
7. Charlie Wilsons War
8. Hot Rod
9. Snakes On A Plane
10. Hatchet
Bachelor Party 2: 8 Out Of 100 Stars
Holy fuck what a dreadfull piece of ass.
The lead is as uninteresting and uncharismatic as possible. The friends are the stockiest of stock, right down to the zany, germaphobic nerd.
It's not just that this is a badly written movie, but it doesn't even really try to be anything good, seemingly content to just go thru each scene with as little effort as possible.
Long story short. Guy wants to marry girl, girls brother in law is afraid of a new guy in the family so he offers to throw him a bachelor party during which he will attempt to get him to cheat on his fiance.
Each friend has his own dumb subplot. There's the germaphobe nerd with the broken arms who accidentally takes too much viagra and goes thru various attempts at getting erection relief. It had potential but was run into the ground and the actor pretty much sucks. Oh yeah, there's also a hot little German blonde nympho who's after him but she may be Hitlers granddaughter. Fucking shit ass dumb.
Harland Williams, whom I love, is pretty bad as the friend who always gets married and of course divorced and thus tries to convince his friend not to get married. Shit.
The 3rd friend happens into having sex with dozens of women who he doesn't know are sexaholics. The joke is that they're just using him because he's so bad that he cures them from ever wanting to have sex again. LOL, Jokes on him! I didn't even understand how this story was supposed to be funny.
If you took the original bachelor party, gave a 45 second synopsis to a 16 year old and had him rewrite it and cast the guys rejected from extra work on a daytime soap this is probably the movie you'd end up with.
The lead is as uninteresting and uncharismatic as possible. The friends are the stockiest of stock, right down to the zany, germaphobic nerd.
It's not just that this is a badly written movie, but it doesn't even really try to be anything good, seemingly content to just go thru each scene with as little effort as possible.
Long story short. Guy wants to marry girl, girls brother in law is afraid of a new guy in the family so he offers to throw him a bachelor party during which he will attempt to get him to cheat on his fiance.
Each friend has his own dumb subplot. There's the germaphobe nerd with the broken arms who accidentally takes too much viagra and goes thru various attempts at getting erection relief. It had potential but was run into the ground and the actor pretty much sucks. Oh yeah, there's also a hot little German blonde nympho who's after him but she may be Hitlers granddaughter. Fucking shit ass dumb.
Harland Williams, whom I love, is pretty bad as the friend who always gets married and of course divorced and thus tries to convince his friend not to get married. Shit.
The 3rd friend happens into having sex with dozens of women who he doesn't know are sexaholics. The joke is that they're just using him because he's so bad that he cures them from ever wanting to have sex again. LOL, Jokes on him! I didn't even understand how this story was supposed to be funny.
If you took the original bachelor party, gave a 45 second synopsis to a 16 year old and had him rewrite it and cast the guys rejected from extra work on a daytime soap this is probably the movie you'd end up with.
I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry: 56 Out Of 100 Stars
I didn't mind Chuck & Larry that much. Especially considering all the hate it got. It was funny in some parts, Biel was hot, whatever.
Funny Games U.S.: 71 Out Of 100 Stars
Almost complete scene for scene, word for word remake of an Australian film that apparently caused some uproar about a decade ago.
Very graphic and chilling, straightforward tale of a family held hostage and tortured. All the leads are tremendous and the pace is both flowing and suspenseful.
Yeah, this was like the 4th movie I watched last night so I don't have much more to say other than it was really good. Naomi Watts in her underwear was great but I was rooting for more. Good film.
Very graphic and chilling, straightforward tale of a family held hostage and tortured. All the leads are tremendous and the pace is both flowing and suspenseful.
Yeah, this was like the 4th movie I watched last night so I don't have much more to say other than it was really good. Naomi Watts in her underwear was great but I was rooting for more. Good film.
RiffTrax Presents Little Shop Of Horrors: 60 Out Of 100 Stars
This would be the old Little Shop and the not the new, lol, Rick Moranis version.
The movie was almost too over the top for even the Riffers. They got some good lines in but I think this was a hard one to lambast as it's just so fuckin lambastable in and of itself.
Seeing a young Nicholson was pretty good and the Jewish shop owner was a good time. Also, girls back then wore some major chest contraptions as they all had bullet tits that pleased me.
The movie was almost too over the top for even the Riffers. They got some good lines in but I think this was a hard one to lambast as it's just so fuckin lambastable in and of itself.
Seeing a young Nicholson was pretty good and the Jewish shop owner was a good time. Also, girls back then wore some major chest contraptions as they all had bullet tits that pleased me.
Southland Tales: 85 Out Of 100 Stars
Don't get me wrong, it's an awful movie. Horrid beyond compare in both script, character and story. A heaping pile of a celluoid mess. And the greatest fuckin thing ever.
Borderland: 22 Out Of 100 Stars
I wanted to rate this higher because it has a lot of very good elements, but the sum does not add up to it's parts.
It's the story of a town on the Mexican side of the border that is run by drug running, murderous cult who do unspeakable things to their victims.
A lot of human sacrifice and mutilations are shown vividly and while gory, they never really hit you with the punch they ought.
All the leads are fair enough, save for the ex cop trying to convince anyone who'll listen of the horrors going on, but La Policia want to hear none of it.
3 teenagers out for one last wild weekend head across the border and of course get caught up in the middle of things and craziness ensues.
The end was a big letdown for me as it seems they just stopped, never concluding a major plot point.
Might be interesting to watch if the subject intrigues you but in general not a whole lot going on.
It's the story of a town on the Mexican side of the border that is run by drug running, murderous cult who do unspeakable things to their victims.
A lot of human sacrifice and mutilations are shown vividly and while gory, they never really hit you with the punch they ought.
All the leads are fair enough, save for the ex cop trying to convince anyone who'll listen of the horrors going on, but La Policia want to hear none of it.
3 teenagers out for one last wild weekend head across the border and of course get caught up in the middle of things and craziness ensues.
The end was a big letdown for me as it seems they just stopped, never concluding a major plot point.
Might be interesting to watch if the subject intrigues you but in general not a whole lot going on.
Unearthed: 23 Out Of 100 Stars
Bad monster, bad subplot, bad script.
An ancient creature has been unearthed, it's back story is super contrived (even for a monster movie), it gets loose to wreak havoc.
A small town sheriff who is a drunk 20ish female is hitting the skids because she's distraught over something she just did and is considered useless.
Your typical hot chicks and hot guy who are never given shit to do.
Charlie Murphy playing a dude who has about 6 lines and never makes a joke, way to go.
And a few various other characters.
Run of the mill chases and kills with horrible twists and subplots, characters are either dumb, annoying or undeveloped.
Just real shit.
An ancient creature has been unearthed, it's back story is super contrived (even for a monster movie), it gets loose to wreak havoc.
A small town sheriff who is a drunk 20ish female is hitting the skids because she's distraught over something she just did and is considered useless.
Your typical hot chicks and hot guy who are never given shit to do.
Charlie Murphy playing a dude who has about 6 lines and never makes a joke, way to go.
And a few various other characters.
Run of the mill chases and kills with horrible twists and subplots, characters are either dumb, annoying or undeveloped.
Just real shit.
Nightmare Man: 33 Out Of 100 Stars
Quality birds, quality nudity, quality premise. Horrible execution.
Bitch orders a fertility mask because her and her husband can't get pregnant, or he can't get it up, I dunno, it's not quite made clear.
Mask turns out to contain a demon that rapes her and starts living inside her.
Lonnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggg chase ensues.
A group of horny friends in a cabin become unwitting participants in the whole ordeal.
Insipid plot twist and re twist.
Dumb ending.
The actors are ok for the most part save the Husband who can barely speak English and is given nothing to do except talk.
Dialog is cheesy and most of the camera work is awful, including a gun fight in which it appears the person being shot at was replaced with a dummy or cardboard cut out, really awful.
A girl gets raped without having her panties removed in a decision of ludicrousness.
The only saving grace is that once it gets going it's rather fast paced with kills and nudity, but not enough to save this clunker of a junker.
Bitch orders a fertility mask because her and her husband can't get pregnant, or he can't get it up, I dunno, it's not quite made clear.
Mask turns out to contain a demon that rapes her and starts living inside her.
Lonnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggg chase ensues.
A group of horny friends in a cabin become unwitting participants in the whole ordeal.
Insipid plot twist and re twist.
Dumb ending.
The actors are ok for the most part save the Husband who can barely speak English and is given nothing to do except talk.
Dialog is cheesy and most of the camera work is awful, including a gun fight in which it appears the person being shot at was replaced with a dummy or cardboard cut out, really awful.
A girl gets raped without having her panties removed in a decision of ludicrousness.
The only saving grace is that once it gets going it's rather fast paced with kills and nudity, but not enough to save this clunker of a junker.
Mullberry Street: 50 Out Of 100 Stars
This could either go up a full star or down a full star depending on time.
I'm not sure I liked it but I appreciated it. Not the run of the mill horror story setup although it delves into the usual monsters. A lot of characters to follow and a lot of the camera work was spastic. I loved the fact that up until the killing set in full force I had no idea what would happen next.
A lot of props also for a low budget movie that handled the idea of monsters on the streets of NYC in believable fashion.
I'd be interested in seeing what the makers of this movie do next, at the very least.
I'm not sure I liked it but I appreciated it. Not the run of the mill horror story setup although it delves into the usual monsters. A lot of characters to follow and a lot of the camera work was spastic. I loved the fact that up until the killing set in full force I had no idea what would happen next.
A lot of props also for a low budget movie that handled the idea of monsters on the streets of NYC in believable fashion.
I'd be interested in seeing what the makers of this movie do next, at the very least.
Walk Hard: 91 Out Of 100 Stars
I quantify this only because I watched split up over like 8 hours due to naps and other activities but I laughed like a mother. The music was perfectly done, Jenna Fischer was excellent, the penis dude had me on the floor, all the running gags were home runs. Every fuckin note was perfect. And I feel like a real geek for saying this but I need to find out if they used a body double for Fischer during the sex scene cause if not then I will be having a wank to it.
Catacombs: 0 Out Of 100 Stars
Fuck me this was atrocious. Shanon Sosyman or whoever is invited to Paris by her sister, played by Pink. When Shannon gets there she meets all of Pinks friends who are all french party kids. Yay.
They take her to a party under the city in the catacombs where the French bury their dead.
Loud annoying cunt music, dark and badly lit chases, a lot of panting and running, pink yelling like a psycho and a plot twist at the end that would be stupid if i gave a fuck all add up to a shit film.
Fuck this move.
They take her to a party under the city in the catacombs where the French bury their dead.
Loud annoying cunt music, dark and badly lit chases, a lot of panting and running, pink yelling like a psycho and a plot twist at the end that would be stupid if i gave a fuck all add up to a shit film.
Fuck this move.
Lake Placid 2: 80 Out Of 100 Stars
Almost perfect.
Fun kills, fun characters, wonderfully cheesy special effects and a nice assortment of young stuff & titties.
John Schneider is the bees knees and it make me wonder why he wasn't doing this stuff in between Dukes Of Hazard and Smallville. Guy is a great B movie star.
And then there's the fucker from Tracey Ullmans first show, don't remember his name offhand but he was great as well.
Just a fun romp of a film.
Fun kills, fun characters, wonderfully cheesy special effects and a nice assortment of young stuff & titties.
John Schneider is the bees knees and it make me wonder why he wasn't doing this stuff in between Dukes Of Hazard and Smallville. Guy is a great B movie star.
And then there's the fucker from Tracey Ullmans first show, don't remember his name offhand but he was great as well.
Just a fun romp of a film.
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