Wednesday, November 14, 2012

2007 Horror Fest: The Woods Have Eyes: 32 Out Of 100 Stars

This is a very low budget and awfully directed Indy movie about a group of teens/kids getting stuck in the woods and hunted down by a group of mongoloids.

So the premise is that every year a few families converge on this campground for a get together, but the campground is being sold and this is their last year here (no bearing on the story at all).

The basic story is that for years the older kids have been telling the story of Cappy, a sadistic hunter who lives in the woods and will kill anyone who comes onto his property line. Well the oldest kid claims to have found Cappys house and wants to take all the other kids to it.

The kids are all pretty good actors actually and the story is one that really intrigued me and would probably work nicely if it were in the hands of a competent director. The movie says it's budget was $750,000, which can't possibly be true.

The first day at camp is spent staring into the girls shower where we get some nice nudity, other than that the only thing established is the fat kid, who of course has a meatball sandwich with him at all times, I actually felt bad for the poor fuck who had to play this part because this was SUCH an over the top caricature he had to portray.

Day 2 is spent heading out to find Cappys cabin, of course the fat kid whines all the time and has various sandwiches and cakes in his backpack with him that he eats in between whining about having to walk.

As the day begins we are greeted by a retard who stumbles into town and tries to buy something at the local shop, whose owners have driven into the city leaving their daughter, a tiny, blonde hottie, in daisy dukes, alone. She's hanging her panties out on the clothesline when the giant retard saunters up to her and tries to rape her, but ends up breaking her neck. He carries her back to his house in the woods, the same house the kids are headed to.

The kids finaLly find the house and the 2 oldest tell the young ones to wait in the bushes while they go check out the house. Unexciting chaos ensues and the leader of the gang ends up dead at the hands of the retard who killed the hottie earlier, leading the group to flee as the Mongoloids father and brother arrive. All 3 men are about 7 feet tall and jacked to the gills, and also retarded.

Now it gets fun, because over the course the movie the whole group of kids, the mongoloid family and the cops seem to be chasing each other over an area that appears about as big as my backyard. The kids run for hours, only to set up a plan in which they distract the adams family on roids and get back to the house to look for a phone. Thing is it takes them about 30 seconds to get back to it after running away from it all day.

This is where the horrible directing becomes noticeable. Shots are horrifically done. Kids hide in plain sight but aren't seen by these master trackers who are supposed to have survived their whole lives off of hunting. Shame they can't find the guido doused in aqua velva 5 feet away from them.

Instead of just running in any direction they decide the only way to survive is to kill the freaks chasing them (what?). So they shoot off fireworks to alert them to their position (what?). The kids parents see the fireworks and alert the cops, who begin a manhunt. So at this point we have 3 groups of people traversing what appears to be the same terrain over and over. I'm reminded of my friend who drug me into working with him on a low budget film that another friend of his wanted to do. Every interior shot was done in the same barn, they just moved walls around to make an elevator, an office, a lab, a corridor, etc. It looked horrid. This looks like they did the same thing, except with bushes and trees.

The main character, Carmine, has become obsessed with killing the freaks hunting them, so one by one he engineers the offing of the brothers, complete with an awesome (by that i mean funny) scene in which he gets shirt ripped off for what appears to be the express intent to flex.

With both brothers dead the only man left chasing them is dear old dad. Again, instead of running they decide to break out a survival book and build a shelter for the night and sleep. Yes, they sleep. A madman whose sons they have killed is hunting them and they build a shrub fort and sleep. When they wake up the fat kid decides it will be ok to just walk out and take a leak, the others wake up and don't say "hey dude, stay right here", no they yell at him in the same tone they yell at him when he pulls a hamburger out of his bag. Then they go back to sleep. Yeah. Anyway, this all leads to a big showdown that is so badly shot and badly set up that I can't even do it justice.

I should also note that the mongoloid family always has guns on them, but every time they get within 2 feet of a kid they elect to run after them, and keep running after them, hardly ever actually using a gun.

Anyway, yeah. It's an interesting story that I think could probably be a pretty decent take on the horror movie in the woods archetype in the hands of competent people, but those who made this move are not competent people.

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