Three tales of mental unbalance loosely tied together by Narrator Malcolm McDowell as the head head doctor.
The first one is a completely skippable tale of an artist who makes paper mache doll art. The dolls start talking to him, his advisers may be plotting against him and I didn't give much of a fuck for any of it.
The second story is a little better. This one features Chris Mulkey as a fucked up father that makes his American Beauty character look like a friggin Saint. Lacey Chabert is also in this one as the teacher of Mulkeys son and well, I mean look at her, just look at her. The story itself takes a while to get going and the subject matter is pretty disturbing but it's good.
Story number three stars Lou Diamond Phillips as a Professor who goes mad thinking the world is about to end. Phillips is absolutely fantastic in this, the films longest segment.
Skip the first segment and instead focus on the final two. They all play independently enough of each other that you wont miss anything important.
Thursday, November 6, 2014
2014 Horror Fest: Haunter: 76 Out Of 100 Stars
There are times during Haunter when the movie feels like it's trying to do way too much, but it somehow always manages to work its way of its constant twists and turns and end up in a better place than it seems like it will. Even the final sequence delivers a punch above and beyond where you think it's going. A very satisfying punch.
Abigail Breslin does a wonderful job carrying the film as Lisa, a girl who we quickly realize, realizes that something just isn't right in her house. The opening moments might have you feeling like this is gonna be a bit of a quirky little horror film, but it gets very dark. The tone deftly develops slowly over the course of the film and constantly adds new layers and information. The script is tight, but it definitely walks a tight rope and narrowly manages to avoid getting away from itself multiple times. Still, even in those moments there is excitement in watching it reel itself back in.
A clever mystery wrapped up in a rather horrific ball, helmed expertly by the young Breslin. Haunter is about as pleasurable and satisfying an experience as a film about mass murder can be.
Abigail Breslin does a wonderful job carrying the film as Lisa, a girl who we quickly realize, realizes that something just isn't right in her house. The opening moments might have you feeling like this is gonna be a bit of a quirky little horror film, but it gets very dark. The tone deftly develops slowly over the course of the film and constantly adds new layers and information. The script is tight, but it definitely walks a tight rope and narrowly manages to avoid getting away from itself multiple times. Still, even in those moments there is excitement in watching it reel itself back in.
A clever mystery wrapped up in a rather horrific ball, helmed expertly by the young Breslin. Haunter is about as pleasurable and satisfying an experience as a film about mass murder can be.
2014 Horror Fest: Nymph: 22 Out Of 100 Stars
Good gravy. Nymph starts out pedantic enough, a couple of chicks are meeting up with an old college buddy and his fiance somewhere in the Mediterranean. They hang out, drink, dance, bone, throw up, the usual stuff. Then they head out for a deserted island that houses a deserted prison and run into a mystical fish lady and the salty old sailor she controls with her mind.
Of course it sounds dumb, but the movie is actually very beautiful, and the actors equally so. There's even a stretch where as a standard slash and chase movie it's not all that bad. But then it proceeds to spend the final half hour getting sillier and sillier to the point where you want to put a grappling hook into your head. There are some strange edits as well where it seems that most of the action on land was shot on a cheap ass video camera. It appears as if maybe extra footage was shot to tie the story together, which would make sense considering a good deal of time is spent on an old man explaining things in great detail while some of the stuff brought up earlier in the film gets completely ignored.
Despite a slight glimpse of promise, Nymph falls way, way, way off the cliff, and then gets eaten by a maniacal tuna fish.
Of course it sounds dumb, but the movie is actually very beautiful, and the actors equally so. There's even a stretch where as a standard slash and chase movie it's not all that bad. But then it proceeds to spend the final half hour getting sillier and sillier to the point where you want to put a grappling hook into your head. There are some strange edits as well where it seems that most of the action on land was shot on a cheap ass video camera. It appears as if maybe extra footage was shot to tie the story together, which would make sense considering a good deal of time is spent on an old man explaining things in great detail while some of the stuff brought up earlier in the film gets completely ignored.
Despite a slight glimpse of promise, Nymph falls way, way, way off the cliff, and then gets eaten by a maniacal tuna fish.
2014 Horror Fest: E.T.X.R.: 15 Out Of 100 Stars
So the hook of this movie, what got me to watch it, is that a DJ comes into possession of a telescope, the schematics of which were initially developed by Nikola Tesla. At which point strange things start to happen. Now even though I'd probably be willing to let another man make love to my face before I'd listen to an hour techno music, you namedrop Tesla and I'm willing to give it a chance.
That I was able to sit through the entire 77 minutes of this thing makes me kind of proud. It's like I now know that I can deal with just about anything that comes my way, I'll give it that much credit.
So Bix The Bug is a DJ who wears a giant helmet with antennas on it, and he DJ's and shit. One day an old friend from MIT shows up and informs him that he's built this telescope and he's receiving sound signals that he can't figure out on it. So Bix takes the telescope and starts using it at his shows, all of which last approximately 30 seconds and feature annoying video and audio distortion that make the movie look like you're watching it on a TV from 1983, in a rainstorm, on acid.
There's liberal plot lifting from Back To The Future and 2001, but the movie doesn't feel like anything more than an outline of an idea. Despite being a movie about a Tesla telescope that picks up weird signals from space, the movie is roughly as scientific as my pubes. It never goes into depth about a single plot point, or any of its characters. Every single thing that happens in the movie might as well not happen, because once it's done, everyone just moves on anyway with no repercussion.
About the only thing good I can say about E.T.X.R. is that it looks good when it's trying to look like an actual movie and that the actors have presence. Other than that it's just a big a pile of visual and aural nonsense that thinks it's saying something profound, when it not only doesn't have a thing to say, but doesn't show the slightest bit of acumen in conveying it if it did.
That I was able to sit through the entire 77 minutes of this thing makes me kind of proud. It's like I now know that I can deal with just about anything that comes my way, I'll give it that much credit.
So Bix The Bug is a DJ who wears a giant helmet with antennas on it, and he DJ's and shit. One day an old friend from MIT shows up and informs him that he's built this telescope and he's receiving sound signals that he can't figure out on it. So Bix takes the telescope and starts using it at his shows, all of which last approximately 30 seconds and feature annoying video and audio distortion that make the movie look like you're watching it on a TV from 1983, in a rainstorm, on acid.
There's liberal plot lifting from Back To The Future and 2001, but the movie doesn't feel like anything more than an outline of an idea. Despite being a movie about a Tesla telescope that picks up weird signals from space, the movie is roughly as scientific as my pubes. It never goes into depth about a single plot point, or any of its characters. Every single thing that happens in the movie might as well not happen, because once it's done, everyone just moves on anyway with no repercussion.
About the only thing good I can say about E.T.X.R. is that it looks good when it's trying to look like an actual movie and that the actors have presence. Other than that it's just a big a pile of visual and aural nonsense that thinks it's saying something profound, when it not only doesn't have a thing to say, but doesn't show the slightest bit of acumen in conveying it if it did.
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
2014 Horror Fest: Humongous: 36 Out Of 100 Stars
Astoundingly derivative and completely lacking in both production quality and acting ability, the only good thing about 1982's Humongous are that its climactic scenes are filled with spooky atmosphere, which can probably be chalked up to luck more than anything else.
We open sometime in the late 1940's where a rich family who lives on a small island is having a party of some sort. The daughter is being pretty well molested by a drunken suitor, and instead of just turning around and saying "hey, could someone get this drunkard off of me", to any one of the dozens of party goers, she instead runs helplessly into the woods where he proceeds to have his way with her. Now of course rape is never funny, but this scene is the first heads up that the quality of this movie might not be quite up to par. The audio is clearly post production, and to say that it is laughable would be a mild understatement. Imagine being in one room, while in the room to your left a man is struggling to lift very heavy boxes, and in the room to your right a woman is standing on a chair screeching at a mouse on the floor. That's an kind of what this scene sounds like.
Fast forward to today when the cast of Scooby Doo, siblings Eric (Fred), Nick (Shaggy), and Carla (Velma), along with 2 female friends (Daphne & I dunno, they just needed another pair of boobs I guess), are about to engage on a boating trip to somewhere. The acting is so bad that a lot of the dialog has to be dubbed over in post production.
The script gives the characters about as much depth as most porno movies give their characters. After dropping anchor and deciding to wait till morning to navigate the lakes channels, Nick decides that he doesn't want to wait till morning, or he wants to drive a boat, or something stupid. He and his brother Eric fight at the boats helm while Nick proclaims "I got as much right as you" and "you're not the only one who can do things", all of this is interspersed with thrilling shots of a boat wheel turning. So of course Nick crashes the boat, which causes it to explode. The stunt budget for this explosion had to have been in the tens of dollars.
Once on the island, the group is obviously picked off in usual horror movie fashion, only we really don't to see any of the kills. That boat blowing up must have really wiped out their budget. The action doesn't even try to be good. Poor Nick forgoes the usual trope of falling while running and instead ops for the less exhaustive falling while standing perfectly still.
The characters that don't die find an abandoned house, and some clues, which they use to explain the plot in meticulous detail, in case this rivetingly intricate mystery went over the viewers head.
The ending sequence is not bad, but that's mainly due to its liberal borrowing from the main plot point of Friday The 13th Part 2, and the fact that a lot of it is very darkly shot. Still, the psychopath at times sounds more like a fat man being denied pork chops than a maniacal killer, but what can ya do.
Worth a watch for comedic purposes and the somewhat intriguing final act, but that's about it. The only thing Humongous about this movie is its incompetence.
We open sometime in the late 1940's where a rich family who lives on a small island is having a party of some sort. The daughter is being pretty well molested by a drunken suitor, and instead of just turning around and saying "hey, could someone get this drunkard off of me", to any one of the dozens of party goers, she instead runs helplessly into the woods where he proceeds to have his way with her. Now of course rape is never funny, but this scene is the first heads up that the quality of this movie might not be quite up to par. The audio is clearly post production, and to say that it is laughable would be a mild understatement. Imagine being in one room, while in the room to your left a man is struggling to lift very heavy boxes, and in the room to your right a woman is standing on a chair screeching at a mouse on the floor. That's an kind of what this scene sounds like.
Fast forward to today when the cast of Scooby Doo, siblings Eric (Fred), Nick (Shaggy), and Carla (Velma), along with 2 female friends (Daphne & I dunno, they just needed another pair of boobs I guess), are about to engage on a boating trip to somewhere. The acting is so bad that a lot of the dialog has to be dubbed over in post production.
The script gives the characters about as much depth as most porno movies give their characters. After dropping anchor and deciding to wait till morning to navigate the lakes channels, Nick decides that he doesn't want to wait till morning, or he wants to drive a boat, or something stupid. He and his brother Eric fight at the boats helm while Nick proclaims "I got as much right as you" and "you're not the only one who can do things", all of this is interspersed with thrilling shots of a boat wheel turning. So of course Nick crashes the boat, which causes it to explode. The stunt budget for this explosion had to have been in the tens of dollars.
Once on the island, the group is obviously picked off in usual horror movie fashion, only we really don't to see any of the kills. That boat blowing up must have really wiped out their budget. The action doesn't even try to be good. Poor Nick forgoes the usual trope of falling while running and instead ops for the less exhaustive falling while standing perfectly still.
The characters that don't die find an abandoned house, and some clues, which they use to explain the plot in meticulous detail, in case this rivetingly intricate mystery went over the viewers head.
The ending sequence is not bad, but that's mainly due to its liberal borrowing from the main plot point of Friday The 13th Part 2, and the fact that a lot of it is very darkly shot. Still, the psychopath at times sounds more like a fat man being denied pork chops than a maniacal killer, but what can ya do.
Worth a watch for comedic purposes and the somewhat intriguing final act, but that's about it. The only thing Humongous about this movie is its incompetence.
2014 Horror Fest: Wetlands: 32 Out Of 100 Stars
Just your run of the mill German film about hemorrhoids, guys jerking off on pizzas, girls trading used tampons and wiping the residue on themselves, anal leakage, having sex with vegetables and making a girls desire for her divorced parents to get back together seem like the most existential thing ever. The only thing missing is farting and puppies. Whoops, I forgot, the farting is in there too.
The story, when we're not focusing on all the poop and pee and blood, is about a young girl and how her parents getting divorced messed her up. Or something like that. I don't honestly know. Her little brother may have been baked in an over or some shit. I think all the gross stuff is supposed to be like, hey, this is real life. But...I already know that. Believe me you, I am no stranger to the curse of the hemorrhoid. I could write a soliloquy on hemorrhoids, but that wouldn't make it art or artistic or really be in any way interesting to much of anyone else.
If you wanna watch a gross chick have mental issues while her asshole leaks, then this is the movie for you.
The story, when we're not focusing on all the poop and pee and blood, is about a young girl and how her parents getting divorced messed her up. Or something like that. I don't honestly know. Her little brother may have been baked in an over or some shit. I think all the gross stuff is supposed to be like, hey, this is real life. But...I already know that. Believe me you, I am no stranger to the curse of the hemorrhoid. I could write a soliloquy on hemorrhoids, but that wouldn't make it art or artistic or really be in any way interesting to much of anyone else.
If you wanna watch a gross chick have mental issues while her asshole leaks, then this is the movie for you.
2014 Horror Fest: The Loved Ones: 70 Out Of 100 Stars
Sort of an Australian Texas Chainsaw Massacre for the teenage crowd, but with a surprising amount of emotional investment.
Not your typical slash fest, The Loved Ones is certainly a bit bat shit crazy, but it does an excellent job at treating the victims as more than fodder. These aren't just characters that can be killed off with no repercussions to the people around them.
The rather innocuous setup occurs when Brent, still trying to cope with his fathers death, turns down Lolas invitation to the school dance. Lola is not at all stable, and it turns out her dad is even less so. From there it could have easily devolved into a more generic gore fest, and while there is a ton of stomach turning gore, the movie isn't content to leave it at that. There is a side story that takes a while to understand the exact point of, but a subtle reveal helps tie it to the overall narrative nicely.
An ambitious film that delivers blood and guts in spades, but succeeds in being about so much more thanks in no small part to the subtly strong performances of the secondary characters.
Not your typical slash fest, The Loved Ones is certainly a bit bat shit crazy, but it does an excellent job at treating the victims as more than fodder. These aren't just characters that can be killed off with no repercussions to the people around them.
The rather innocuous setup occurs when Brent, still trying to cope with his fathers death, turns down Lolas invitation to the school dance. Lola is not at all stable, and it turns out her dad is even less so. From there it could have easily devolved into a more generic gore fest, and while there is a ton of stomach turning gore, the movie isn't content to leave it at that. There is a side story that takes a while to understand the exact point of, but a subtle reveal helps tie it to the overall narrative nicely.
An ambitious film that delivers blood and guts in spades, but succeeds in being about so much more thanks in no small part to the subtly strong performances of the secondary characters.
2014 Horror Fest: Coherence: 72 Out Of 100 Stars
At times wildly intriguing and a true mind fuck, Coherence is the story of a dinner party that takes place during a comets pass by earth. Little by little, strange things start to happen. Eventually the strange things aren't so little anymore, and while the movie tries to take great care to explain everything, it does at times collapse under the weight and gravitas of its premise. I give it credit though, despite a few leaps of logic and some insanely twisty ideas, it's never not interesting.
Initially the characters don't exactly draw you in. The first 20 minutes or so is like being stuck in a room of yuppies and kind of wanting out. But once the story gets going, it's the board more than the pieces that matter. In the end, the film slyly builds the most important characters to it's conclusion without ever losing focus on the group as whole.
Not as quite clever as it tries to be, but very good none the less, Coherence will keep you guessing, and more importantly, wanting to guess, right up to the end.
Initially the characters don't exactly draw you in. The first 20 minutes or so is like being stuck in a room of yuppies and kind of wanting out. But once the story gets going, it's the board more than the pieces that matter. In the end, the film slyly builds the most important characters to it's conclusion without ever losing focus on the group as whole.
Not as quite clever as it tries to be, but very good none the less, Coherence will keep you guessing, and more importantly, wanting to guess, right up to the end.
Monday, November 3, 2014
2014 Horror Fest: Willow Creek: 68 Out Of 100 Stars
OK, here's the thing. I think in order for the final 40 minutes to be effective, you have to watch the first 40 minutes. The problem is that the first 40 minutes will possibly may make you want to gauge your eyes out out of boredom. I fully understand the method of building to the climactic scenes, but it didn't make it any less tedious. All that being said, the last half of Willow Creek is legitimately frightening as hell. No gimmicks, no tricks, just two people alone in the woods with a camera and...something else.
The story is very simple and the whole movie is of the found footage variety. Jim and his girlfriend Kelly are doing a documentary of sorts on the bigfoot legend. Willow Creek is where the famed Patterson footage, that just about everyone has seen, was shot. The entire first half of the movie is them on their way to the famed site, eating lunch at a bigfoot themed roadside joint, staying at the bigfoot themed motel, talking to various people about the bigfoot legend. It goes on and on, and even as someone who loves bigfoot lore, it was more than enough. None of it is overly interesting, and while the characters themselves don't act quite as douchey as most found footage characters do, there was nothing about them that made me care all that much about their journey.
If you can get through all the preliminary shit, and that's a big if, because I nearly turned it off a few times myself. But if you can get through all of it, you will more than be rewarded. Once they arrive at their camping destination, things really take off as far as the tension and fright levels go.
Imagine you meet a girl. You know at some point in the evening you're going to have some of the most enjoyable sex you've ever had. But you also know you're going to have listen to her babble on for quite a while about her sister, her co-workers, what someone wrote on facebook, yadda yadda. This is the cinematic equivalent of that scenario.
The story is very simple and the whole movie is of the found footage variety. Jim and his girlfriend Kelly are doing a documentary of sorts on the bigfoot legend. Willow Creek is where the famed Patterson footage, that just about everyone has seen, was shot. The entire first half of the movie is them on their way to the famed site, eating lunch at a bigfoot themed roadside joint, staying at the bigfoot themed motel, talking to various people about the bigfoot legend. It goes on and on, and even as someone who loves bigfoot lore, it was more than enough. None of it is overly interesting, and while the characters themselves don't act quite as douchey as most found footage characters do, there was nothing about them that made me care all that much about their journey.
If you can get through all the preliminary shit, and that's a big if, because I nearly turned it off a few times myself. But if you can get through all of it, you will more than be rewarded. Once they arrive at their camping destination, things really take off as far as the tension and fright levels go.
Imagine you meet a girl. You know at some point in the evening you're going to have some of the most enjoyable sex you've ever had. But you also know you're going to have listen to her babble on for quite a while about her sister, her co-workers, what someone wrote on facebook, yadda yadda. This is the cinematic equivalent of that scenario.
2014 Horror Fest: Housebound: 90 Out Of 100 Stars
Easily one of the best movies I've ever had the pleasure to watch.
From New Zealand, this deliciously wicked film never takes its foot off the pedal, adding layer upon layer of fun, blood and wit.
Morgana O'Reilly stars as Kylie, a young girl with a major chip on her shoulder and a rap sheet just as big. As if being sentenced to 8 months of house arrest under the supervision of her mother wasn't bad enough, it doesn't take long for Kylie to suspect that there may be other, other worldly reasons to want to get the hell out of dodge.
About the script I'll say no more, to give anything more away would be a disservice to the joy of watching this film develop.
Even at 1:48 the film never drags, in fact it's got so many twists and turns, zigs and zags, just when you think you've got it figured out, they add a new layer of awesome. But it all makes perfect sense in the end. Funny, crude, gross, tense, dramatic, smart, wicked, clever, I love my adjectives yes, but when a film can coherently combine all these elements on top of telling a honed story, it deserves all the love I can give it.
Watch it. WATCH IT!
From New Zealand, this deliciously wicked film never takes its foot off the pedal, adding layer upon layer of fun, blood and wit.
Morgana O'Reilly stars as Kylie, a young girl with a major chip on her shoulder and a rap sheet just as big. As if being sentenced to 8 months of house arrest under the supervision of her mother wasn't bad enough, it doesn't take long for Kylie to suspect that there may be other, other worldly reasons to want to get the hell out of dodge.
About the script I'll say no more, to give anything more away would be a disservice to the joy of watching this film develop.
Even at 1:48 the film never drags, in fact it's got so many twists and turns, zigs and zags, just when you think you've got it figured out, they add a new layer of awesome. But it all makes perfect sense in the end. Funny, crude, gross, tense, dramatic, smart, wicked, clever, I love my adjectives yes, but when a film can coherently combine all these elements on top of telling a honed story, it deserves all the love I can give it.
Watch it. WATCH IT!
2014 Horror Fest: April Fools Day: 75 Out Of 100 Stars
Hold the friggin phone. How had I never heard of this little gem?
From 1986, April Fools Day is the story of a bunch of friends invited to the island estate of their pal Muffy, played brilliantly by Deborah Foreman, who for a short time in the 80's was probably close to A-list. Horror fans might also recognize Amy Steel, who played Ginny in Friday The 13th II. While her acting skills aren't quite as on display here in a secondary role as they were in that film, she certainly shines. Girl looks good.
Filled with humor, but not exactly a comedy, AFD has all the charm of an 80's slasher but is not at all dated. The cast is perfect, the writing superb, and more importantly, the script knows exactly when to transition from fun to frightening. The tension level never gets quite to where it needs to be, but that's OK because the kills, while not gory, are pretty inventive.
A forgotten or underrated gem, April Fools Day is damn fine fun. And that's no joke.
From 1986, April Fools Day is the story of a bunch of friends invited to the island estate of their pal Muffy, played brilliantly by Deborah Foreman, who for a short time in the 80's was probably close to A-list. Horror fans might also recognize Amy Steel, who played Ginny in Friday The 13th II. While her acting skills aren't quite as on display here in a secondary role as they were in that film, she certainly shines. Girl looks good.
Filled with humor, but not exactly a comedy, AFD has all the charm of an 80's slasher but is not at all dated. The cast is perfect, the writing superb, and more importantly, the script knows exactly when to transition from fun to frightening. The tension level never gets quite to where it needs to be, but that's OK because the kills, while not gory, are pretty inventive.
A forgotten or underrated gem, April Fools Day is damn fine fun. And that's no joke.
2014 Horror Fest: Bigfoot Wars: 20 Out Of 100 Stars
I so badly want a good Bigfoot movie, so I'll watch anything Bigfoot related. Unfortunately I still haven't see on that's come close to good.
Bigfoot Wars is a horrendously written, sloppily edited, low budget, rape of the senses about a coven of Sasquatches who are stealing a small towns women in order to impregnate them. Yeah.
Holt Boggs stars as the Sheriff with a dark past. We know he's got a dark past because of flashbacks and the ridiculous voice overs we get the whole movie of him waxing poetic about life, the universe, yadda yadda. Imagine if Toxic Avenger had random audio of someone reading Tolstoy all throughout the movie. Actually that sounds infinitely funnier than this ends up being.
Anyway, the Sheriffs cunt of a daughter gets kidnapped by these redneck yeti in the middle of a drive in, in a scene that is somehow not played for laughs, but rather expects the viewer to take it seriously, and it's time for the Sheriff to get a posse together to go hunt some bigfeets.
This is when C. Thomas Howell shows up, he plays the Don of the redneck mafia. I wish I was making this shit up. Anyway, despite all the trouble he's had with the law over the years, his daughter was also abducted by the Rapesquatches, and he insists on leading the lawmen into the woods to help find the missing girls. But before they get going, actually before, during and after they get going, he goes on long shaman like tangents about nature and philosophy and oh my god my brain is bleeding. His performance is good, but the material is sooooo fucking stupid. Anyway, that's as much of the story as you need to know, except that there's also a news reporter and her camera man out in the woods and the two parties meet up and it's all so horrible. Oh yeah, Judd Nelson plays a doctor in a bunch of scenes that looked like they were filmed in a day or so. I hope like hell the people who made this movie went broke paying him.
The bigfoot costumes are so bad. I mean soooooooooo bad. The effects are awful. Most of the time anything gets clawed or shot or chopped up, the camera cuts away right before impact and then cuts back. The audio is shitty, half the time the bass is so high that it distorts the sound, the other half of the time it just isn't there. Nothing like seeing a bigfoot hand swiping, having the camera cut away, not hearing anything, then cutting back to see someone laying on the ground with a claw mark on their chest. It's just so fucking low rent. Oh, and the Kid Rock knockoff soundtrack is almost as painful to listen to as the movie is to watch.
The most impressive thing about this movie is that it was able to pay its stars. Still, Judd Nelson & C. Thomas Howell should both really be ashamed of themselves.
Bigfoot Wars is a horrendously written, sloppily edited, low budget, rape of the senses about a coven of Sasquatches who are stealing a small towns women in order to impregnate them. Yeah.
Holt Boggs stars as the Sheriff with a dark past. We know he's got a dark past because of flashbacks and the ridiculous voice overs we get the whole movie of him waxing poetic about life, the universe, yadda yadda. Imagine if Toxic Avenger had random audio of someone reading Tolstoy all throughout the movie. Actually that sounds infinitely funnier than this ends up being.
Anyway, the Sheriffs cunt of a daughter gets kidnapped by these redneck yeti in the middle of a drive in, in a scene that is somehow not played for laughs, but rather expects the viewer to take it seriously, and it's time for the Sheriff to get a posse together to go hunt some bigfeets.
This is when C. Thomas Howell shows up, he plays the Don of the redneck mafia. I wish I was making this shit up. Anyway, despite all the trouble he's had with the law over the years, his daughter was also abducted by the Rapesquatches, and he insists on leading the lawmen into the woods to help find the missing girls. But before they get going, actually before, during and after they get going, he goes on long shaman like tangents about nature and philosophy and oh my god my brain is bleeding. His performance is good, but the material is sooooo fucking stupid. Anyway, that's as much of the story as you need to know, except that there's also a news reporter and her camera man out in the woods and the two parties meet up and it's all so horrible. Oh yeah, Judd Nelson plays a doctor in a bunch of scenes that looked like they were filmed in a day or so. I hope like hell the people who made this movie went broke paying him.
The bigfoot costumes are so bad. I mean soooooooooo bad. The effects are awful. Most of the time anything gets clawed or shot or chopped up, the camera cuts away right before impact and then cuts back. The audio is shitty, half the time the bass is so high that it distorts the sound, the other half of the time it just isn't there. Nothing like seeing a bigfoot hand swiping, having the camera cut away, not hearing anything, then cutting back to see someone laying on the ground with a claw mark on their chest. It's just so fucking low rent. Oh, and the Kid Rock knockoff soundtrack is almost as painful to listen to as the movie is to watch.
The most impressive thing about this movie is that it was able to pay its stars. Still, Judd Nelson & C. Thomas Howell should both really be ashamed of themselves.
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