I so badly want a good Bigfoot movie, so I'll watch anything Bigfoot related. Unfortunately I still haven't see on that's come close to good.
Bigfoot Wars is a horrendously written, sloppily edited, low budget, rape of the senses about a coven of Sasquatches who are stealing a small towns women in order to impregnate them. Yeah.
Holt Boggs stars as the Sheriff with a dark past. We know he's got a dark past because of flashbacks and the ridiculous voice overs we get the whole movie of him waxing poetic about life, the universe, yadda yadda. Imagine if Toxic Avenger had random audio of someone reading Tolstoy all throughout the movie. Actually that sounds infinitely funnier than this ends up being.
Anyway, the Sheriffs cunt of a daughter gets kidnapped by these redneck yeti in the middle of a drive in, in a scene that is somehow not played for laughs, but rather expects the viewer to take it seriously, and it's time for the Sheriff to get a posse together to go hunt some bigfeets.
This is when C. Thomas Howell shows up, he plays the Don of the redneck mafia. I wish I was making this shit up. Anyway, despite all the trouble he's had with the law over the years, his daughter was also abducted by the Rapesquatches, and he insists on leading the lawmen into the woods to help find the missing girls. But before they get going, actually before, during and after they get going, he goes on long shaman like tangents about nature and philosophy and oh my god my brain is bleeding. His performance is good, but the material is sooooo fucking stupid. Anyway, that's as much of the story as you need to know, except that there's also a news reporter and her camera man out in the woods and the two parties meet up and it's all so horrible. Oh yeah, Judd Nelson plays a doctor in a bunch of scenes that looked like they were filmed in a day or so. I hope like hell the people who made this movie went broke paying him.
The bigfoot costumes are so bad. I mean soooooooooo bad. The effects are awful. Most of the time anything gets clawed or shot or chopped up, the camera cuts away right before impact and then cuts back. The audio is shitty, half the time the bass is so high that it distorts the sound, the other half of the time it just isn't there. Nothing like seeing a bigfoot hand swiping, having the camera cut away, not hearing anything, then cutting back to see someone laying on the ground with a claw mark on their chest. It's just so fucking low rent. Oh, and the Kid Rock knockoff soundtrack is almost as painful to listen to as the movie is to watch.
The most impressive thing about this movie is that it was able to pay its stars. Still, Judd Nelson & C. Thomas Howell should both really be ashamed of themselves.
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