When I read the description for The Maze, I was all in. A group of teenagers stuck in an elaborate corn maze, being hunted by a psycho? Sign me the fuck up.
And then it all went to hell.
Below stock characters who's setups consists of a few sentences, and never give any cause for the viewer to be engaged in them.
They arrive late to the counties biggest corn maze and decide to go in anyway, once inside they decide to play a game of tag.
Of course there's a psycho hiding in the maze but he never really feels threatening. Even when he's doing his evil deeds there isn't a reason to not expect one of the males in the group to just kick his ass. He's never presented as anything more than just a dude doing vile things.
The chases are laughable. Adult men get tripped which somehow causes them to break their ankles or legs or whatever. There's a lot of crawling while "acting" scared. In fact, back to back kills are setup through tripping. It's like Vince Russo booked it.
You never get much tension even when the killer is hunting everyone. It's fine for them to not know where they are in the maze, but it'd be nice to give the viewer an idea. The whole maze angle, which is a pretty fresh and keen idea, is pretty much wasted.
As underwhelming and uninspired as the maze section of the movie is, there's more.
I was surprised when the film moved to a new location with about 35 minutes left. Surprised and underwhelmed.
Once out of the maze it becomes clear the movie has very little budget. There are also technical flaws, such as when the sheriff tells his deputy that the county is gonna come in and take over the investigation, while wearing a patch on his jacket that reads "County Sheriff". Just inexcusable.
Of course if you can accept that the county sheriff is working in a police station where it's just him and one other deputy then maybe that point wont bother you too much.
The acting in the 2nd half of the movie once new characters get introduced is dinner theater level. It goes from a horror movie to a low level stage adaptation of a Lifetime movie.
So yeah, paint by numbers at the start. Low rent and silly at the end, with no particular performance that rises above average at best, No titty or interesting kill scenes, The Maze is just a big waste of corn.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
2010 Horror Fest: A Serbian Film: 78 Out Of 100 Stars
Warning, most of this review will be filled with spoilers. Skip ahead to the last 2 or 3 paragraphs if you want a simple summation.
Well, when your lead actor is supposed to be the worlds biggest porn star and he looks like a Yugoslavian Roddy Piper with cancer, you're in trouble. But I'm willing to cut them some slack and see how it plays out.
So this dude, this retired stud, grand champion of fucking, now has a wife and a little boy and he's just chilling at home when an old friend contacts him about doing a movie for a big pay day.
The man making the movie meets our hero, Milos, who has starred in such masterpieces as Top Crotch. The man is loaded and vague about what he wants but Milos signs the contract and agrees to be in the film, even though he knows nothing about it.
Meanwhile, Milos' son is starting to get boners and daddy tells him to use his hand to follow the funny feeling.
Also meanwhile, Milos' brother, a cop, or as the subtitles put it, his "copper bro", is jealous of Milos' beautiful wife and child. After he sees his sister in law eating a peach he goes into the bathroom and jerks off. He later watches a tape of Milos' sons birthday while a hooker sucks him off. The tape cuts into one of Milos' old pornos and his brother and the hooker lay there and marvel at his craftsmanship.
This movie wants us to take a lot for granted instead of putting much effort into giving us a reason to think Milos is any kind of superior fuck.
On Milos' first day of shooting he is let out of the car on an abandoned street where 2 men with handheld cameras film him. He has an ear piece that tells him what to do. He is to go into a school for orphaned girls. When he gets inside he sees a nurse and a young girl. The young girl is whisked away by her screaming mother while the nurse gives him a blow job, while on the wall a video plays of said young girl eating a Popsicle. Milos cums hard while watching the video.
Day two of filming sees Milos walk into a dark room where one of the cameramen/soldiers, is slapping the mother from the previous and telling her she is a whore. She crawls to Milos and starts sucking his dick. Next thing ya know, the little girl is sitting in a chair in the middle of the room. Milos objects, but one of the cameramen/soldiers puts him in a choke while the woman starts biting his dick. The dude tells him to punch her in the face, which he does. She jacks him off onto her face, we see her face get splattered with a copious amount of Serbian seed. The little girls is clapping and smiling the whole time.
Next, the mysterious producer, known as Vukmir Vukmir, explains that the little girl is his and the woman is his wife and it's all cool, he would never do anything to hurt them. Milos is still uneasy.
Milos' brother informs him that Vukmir is a former child psychologist who moved to China and fell off the map. He has no reservations.
After having a dream about the movie that involves his son cheering him on, Milos decides to quit.
When he meets Vukmir to quit, he is treated to some sort of babble about victims and being Serbias backbone and that children need to prove how to exist on their own. He then shows him a movie about a true victim. Which brings us to THE SCENE.
A hot blonde chick is giving birth on a table, a bald man walks in and takes off his jacket and delivers the baby. We see the delivery in full detail. He then holds the baby and rapes it, while the mother watches and smiles. This may be the same mother from the first two scenes, I can't really tell. Anyway, it's sick yeah, but it's so silly that it really doesn't have much of an effect. I mean, I'm sitting here thinking about how hot the chick looked with her legs spread. Maybe I'm just desensitized. Anyway, Milos is grossed out and storms out of the room while Vukmir screams about newborn porn being the next big thing. I can't tell what this movie is trying to say.
As he's driving home, Milos stops at a red light and is approached by a hooker. He grabs her tits while she rubs his cock and he starts having flashbacks to the stuff he's seen, done, and thought. He awakes alone in his bed 3 days later. The bed is covered in blood.
He sees the car that would drive him to the set everyday parked in front of his house so he gets in and heads to Vukmirs. On the way he has flashbacks that help piece together the missing 3 days. Apparently he let her drive his car while she gave him a handy and he angrily mauled her tits. They are nice tits.
Upon arriving at Vukmirs now empty estate, he has more flashbacks. I guess the hooker was the doctor from day one of shooting, I couldn't tell. In the flashback, Milos is led into a room with a childrens bed, he is handcuffed. Vukmir explains that he was given some mega Aphrodisasic in his whiskey. Viagra for cattle was how he put it.
The mother from earlier in the film is brought in and handcuffed and spread out on the bed. Milos eyes her like a fucking wild bear in a boner induced stupor. His ear piece is put in, his pants are pulled off and his handcuffs removed. He pounces on the woman and fucks the bejeezus out of her, while in his ear piece Vukmir tells him of all the horrible things this woman has done, and let been done to her daughter. As the verbal attack gets worse and Milos is encouraged to beat the woman while he fucks her, he obliges. Suddenly a machete is placed in his hand. He cuts the bitches head clean off while he fucks her. The camera soldiers have to pull him from her corpse as he continues to fuck her. I gotta tell ya man, this was an intense and good scene. I was part turned on, part intrigued and well.....it wasn't a bad fucking horror scene at all.
Back from the flashback, Milos vomits. He continues through the house and finds a bunch of tapes featuring weird sex acts, including the ones he shot. He gathers them up and it's back in the car as he goes to the woods to watch them. The videos help him piece together more of the days he's missing. Seems one of the camera soldiers ass raped him while has passed out.
Apparently the girl who set Milos up with Vukmir, is pissed that Vukmir resorted to drugging Milos, she says she's taking Milos home. All this is being filmed by an unseen camera operator. The next tape he watches shows a chick, might be the aforementioned chick, might not be, chained with her wrists over head, naked, teeth knocked out, being throat fucked till she asphyxiates and dies.
Next we have what I think is a flashback, he might be watching a tape, dunno. Anyway, the little girls grandmother is thanking him for killing her mother because she was a whore. The little girls father was a war hero but is now dead and in his place Milos has come. The grandmother says the father was supposed to take his daughters virginity but now that gift belongs to Milos. The grandmother asks him to fuck the little girl. Milos is regaining his wits at this point and despite being urged on by Vukmir, he springs up and grabs a knife and takes his own cock hostage, threatening to slice it off. Vukmir tells his men to stand down as Milos jumps out of a window. Vukmir orders his men to chase him as the tape ends.
Milos continues to have flashbacks, remembering where he went and that he called his brother to come pick him up. In present time he remembers the house where the last video took place at, and drives by. He sees the little girl outside working, he drives on. Still in his flashback he is sitting alone in an ally when he sees a girl who is identified as underage but really looks perfectly old enough. He begins to jerk off while looking at her and two guys start beating him up for being a perv. He is saved by Vukmirs henchmen who drive up and kill the dudes beating him up.
In real time, Milos returns to the place he remembers Vukmir took him in his flashback. He was put in a room and shot up again by the nurse. He stabs her and tries to escape but is caught by one of the guards and led naked into a room. The movie at this point is nicely mixing flashbacks with real time, so as he walks real time into a room strewn with dead guards, he's also flashing back to being led into that room.
Ok, now this is sort of silly. I guess Milos was hopped up on cattle viagra again because in the middle of the room is a pretty bed, with pretty bedding set up very romantically. In the bed are two people, an obvious child, and a woman. There heads are covered with sheets. Milos is let free and he goes right to fucking them while Vukmir watches and his henchmen film.
Milos fucks the woman first and cums, then he goes to the little one, who he of course struggles to penetrate, lol. The bodies move slightly but it's clear they've been drugged. As Milos fucks the little one, a masked man joins him and begins fucking the woman side by side. This is not a half bad fucking movie.
Oh geez man. There's a shot of Milos from behind fucking the little one and blood is running down it's leg and fucking pooling up underneath him. That might of been the grossest part of the movie, lol.
The ending I will not spoil except to say that it goes deeper than a pure shock movie should, and has more than one twist.
This is a good movie. I think I'm keener than to fall for simple shock value, and truthfully it's not like I was aghast at much of what I saw. This is a fucking smart psychological thrill that works because of the subject matter yes, it's very foreign to mainstream and even underground films, it's a taboo fucking subject. But the direction, the editing, the way it's shot, are all excellent and do a great service to the story. As awkward as the lead looked at the start of the film, once you get past the idea that he's a porn star, he does a great job, a fantastic job really.
I also applaud the film makers for this. If you're going to go with an idea, go with it. Don't pussyfoot around the subject, go head first into it, and they certainly did. Because they took that tact, the film comes off much the better as a whole. Sure there's a ton of gross fucking shit, but it's built around a story that makes it seem natural in the context.
Fairly or unfairly I came into this film with a certain expectation that it would be funny crap designed to gross me out. It isn't that at all. And once the movie kicks into high gear I found myself throwing away all my preconceived notions and just going with it and enjoying it for the movie it was, a tense, twisted, thriller.
This will not be every ones cup of tea, but it isn't a bad movie by any stretch, in fact it might be one of the better thrillers I've seen in recent years.
Well, when your lead actor is supposed to be the worlds biggest porn star and he looks like a Yugoslavian Roddy Piper with cancer, you're in trouble. But I'm willing to cut them some slack and see how it plays out.
So this dude, this retired stud, grand champion of fucking, now has a wife and a little boy and he's just chilling at home when an old friend contacts him about doing a movie for a big pay day.
The man making the movie meets our hero, Milos, who has starred in such masterpieces as Top Crotch. The man is loaded and vague about what he wants but Milos signs the contract and agrees to be in the film, even though he knows nothing about it.
Meanwhile, Milos' son is starting to get boners and daddy tells him to use his hand to follow the funny feeling.
Also meanwhile, Milos' brother, a cop, or as the subtitles put it, his "copper bro", is jealous of Milos' beautiful wife and child. After he sees his sister in law eating a peach he goes into the bathroom and jerks off. He later watches a tape of Milos' sons birthday while a hooker sucks him off. The tape cuts into one of Milos' old pornos and his brother and the hooker lay there and marvel at his craftsmanship.
This movie wants us to take a lot for granted instead of putting much effort into giving us a reason to think Milos is any kind of superior fuck.
On Milos' first day of shooting he is let out of the car on an abandoned street where 2 men with handheld cameras film him. He has an ear piece that tells him what to do. He is to go into a school for orphaned girls. When he gets inside he sees a nurse and a young girl. The young girl is whisked away by her screaming mother while the nurse gives him a blow job, while on the wall a video plays of said young girl eating a Popsicle. Milos cums hard while watching the video.
Day two of filming sees Milos walk into a dark room where one of the cameramen/soldiers, is slapping the mother from the previous and telling her she is a whore. She crawls to Milos and starts sucking his dick. Next thing ya know, the little girl is sitting in a chair in the middle of the room. Milos objects, but one of the cameramen/soldiers puts him in a choke while the woman starts biting his dick. The dude tells him to punch her in the face, which he does. She jacks him off onto her face, we see her face get splattered with a copious amount of Serbian seed. The little girls is clapping and smiling the whole time.
Next, the mysterious producer, known as Vukmir Vukmir, explains that the little girl is his and the woman is his wife and it's all cool, he would never do anything to hurt them. Milos is still uneasy.
Milos' brother informs him that Vukmir is a former child psychologist who moved to China and fell off the map. He has no reservations.
After having a dream about the movie that involves his son cheering him on, Milos decides to quit.
When he meets Vukmir to quit, he is treated to some sort of babble about victims and being Serbias backbone and that children need to prove how to exist on their own. He then shows him a movie about a true victim. Which brings us to THE SCENE.
A hot blonde chick is giving birth on a table, a bald man walks in and takes off his jacket and delivers the baby. We see the delivery in full detail. He then holds the baby and rapes it, while the mother watches and smiles. This may be the same mother from the first two scenes, I can't really tell. Anyway, it's sick yeah, but it's so silly that it really doesn't have much of an effect. I mean, I'm sitting here thinking about how hot the chick looked with her legs spread. Maybe I'm just desensitized. Anyway, Milos is grossed out and storms out of the room while Vukmir screams about newborn porn being the next big thing. I can't tell what this movie is trying to say.
As he's driving home, Milos stops at a red light and is approached by a hooker. He grabs her tits while she rubs his cock and he starts having flashbacks to the stuff he's seen, done, and thought. He awakes alone in his bed 3 days later. The bed is covered in blood.
He sees the car that would drive him to the set everyday parked in front of his house so he gets in and heads to Vukmirs. On the way he has flashbacks that help piece together the missing 3 days. Apparently he let her drive his car while she gave him a handy and he angrily mauled her tits. They are nice tits.
Upon arriving at Vukmirs now empty estate, he has more flashbacks. I guess the hooker was the doctor from day one of shooting, I couldn't tell. In the flashback, Milos is led into a room with a childrens bed, he is handcuffed. Vukmir explains that he was given some mega Aphrodisasic in his whiskey. Viagra for cattle was how he put it.
The mother from earlier in the film is brought in and handcuffed and spread out on the bed. Milos eyes her like a fucking wild bear in a boner induced stupor. His ear piece is put in, his pants are pulled off and his handcuffs removed. He pounces on the woman and fucks the bejeezus out of her, while in his ear piece Vukmir tells him of all the horrible things this woman has done, and let been done to her daughter. As the verbal attack gets worse and Milos is encouraged to beat the woman while he fucks her, he obliges. Suddenly a machete is placed in his hand. He cuts the bitches head clean off while he fucks her. The camera soldiers have to pull him from her corpse as he continues to fuck her. I gotta tell ya man, this was an intense and good scene. I was part turned on, part intrigued and well.....it wasn't a bad fucking horror scene at all.
Back from the flashback, Milos vomits. He continues through the house and finds a bunch of tapes featuring weird sex acts, including the ones he shot. He gathers them up and it's back in the car as he goes to the woods to watch them. The videos help him piece together more of the days he's missing. Seems one of the camera soldiers ass raped him while has passed out.
Apparently the girl who set Milos up with Vukmir, is pissed that Vukmir resorted to drugging Milos, she says she's taking Milos home. All this is being filmed by an unseen camera operator. The next tape he watches shows a chick, might be the aforementioned chick, might not be, chained with her wrists over head, naked, teeth knocked out, being throat fucked till she asphyxiates and dies.
Next we have what I think is a flashback, he might be watching a tape, dunno. Anyway, the little girls grandmother is thanking him for killing her mother because she was a whore. The little girls father was a war hero but is now dead and in his place Milos has come. The grandmother says the father was supposed to take his daughters virginity but now that gift belongs to Milos. The grandmother asks him to fuck the little girl. Milos is regaining his wits at this point and despite being urged on by Vukmir, he springs up and grabs a knife and takes his own cock hostage, threatening to slice it off. Vukmir tells his men to stand down as Milos jumps out of a window. Vukmir orders his men to chase him as the tape ends.
Milos continues to have flashbacks, remembering where he went and that he called his brother to come pick him up. In present time he remembers the house where the last video took place at, and drives by. He sees the little girl outside working, he drives on. Still in his flashback he is sitting alone in an ally when he sees a girl who is identified as underage but really looks perfectly old enough. He begins to jerk off while looking at her and two guys start beating him up for being a perv. He is saved by Vukmirs henchmen who drive up and kill the dudes beating him up.
In real time, Milos returns to the place he remembers Vukmir took him in his flashback. He was put in a room and shot up again by the nurse. He stabs her and tries to escape but is caught by one of the guards and led naked into a room. The movie at this point is nicely mixing flashbacks with real time, so as he walks real time into a room strewn with dead guards, he's also flashing back to being led into that room.
Ok, now this is sort of silly. I guess Milos was hopped up on cattle viagra again because in the middle of the room is a pretty bed, with pretty bedding set up very romantically. In the bed are two people, an obvious child, and a woman. There heads are covered with sheets. Milos is let free and he goes right to fucking them while Vukmir watches and his henchmen film.
Milos fucks the woman first and cums, then he goes to the little one, who he of course struggles to penetrate, lol. The bodies move slightly but it's clear they've been drugged. As Milos fucks the little one, a masked man joins him and begins fucking the woman side by side. This is not a half bad fucking movie.
Oh geez man. There's a shot of Milos from behind fucking the little one and blood is running down it's leg and fucking pooling up underneath him. That might of been the grossest part of the movie, lol.
The ending I will not spoil except to say that it goes deeper than a pure shock movie should, and has more than one twist.
This is a good movie. I think I'm keener than to fall for simple shock value, and truthfully it's not like I was aghast at much of what I saw. This is a fucking smart psychological thrill that works because of the subject matter yes, it's very foreign to mainstream and even underground films, it's a taboo fucking subject. But the direction, the editing, the way it's shot, are all excellent and do a great service to the story. As awkward as the lead looked at the start of the film, once you get past the idea that he's a porn star, he does a great job, a fantastic job really.
I also applaud the film makers for this. If you're going to go with an idea, go with it. Don't pussyfoot around the subject, go head first into it, and they certainly did. Because they took that tact, the film comes off much the better as a whole. Sure there's a ton of gross fucking shit, but it's built around a story that makes it seem natural in the context.
Fairly or unfairly I came into this film with a certain expectation that it would be funny crap designed to gross me out. It isn't that at all. And once the movie kicks into high gear I found myself throwing away all my preconceived notions and just going with it and enjoying it for the movie it was, a tense, twisted, thriller.
This will not be every ones cup of tea, but it isn't a bad movie by any stretch, in fact it might be one of the better thrillers I've seen in recent years.
2010 Horror Fest: Night Of The Demons: 25 Out Of 100 Stars
I knew two things about this movie going in. One, it starred Shannon Elizabeth, which is A-Ok with me. Two, it was a remake of an 80's film by the same name that I wasn't sure I had ever seen.
Once the movie got going I realized I had seen the original and wondered aloud "Why the fuck are they remaking that piece of shit"?
The story varies a bit from the original, but it has the same exact lack of heart and soul. Fuck, it has even less heart and soul then the original, which is a hard fucking thing to pull off. At least the 80's version is campy, this one is just gutless and sterile.
The story, and I use that term loosely, is that there's a house where a bunch of people were murdered some 50 odd years ago, and today, in present times, a rich girl, Shannon Elizabeth, is throwing a Halloween party there.
Things started off promising enough when we're introduced to the 3 main female characters. Not because they add anything but skimpy outfits and hot bodies, but that's a good start. Then we have the three main male characters, one of whom is the guy who ate Eddie Furlong. Seriously, I was watching the movie for a good 20 minutes before I realized who the fuck it was. He's easily gained 50-60 pounds since his T2 days.
So by hook or crook, these 7 people end up trapped alone in this haunted house and the fun begins. I use the term fun very loosely. The story of how the house came to be haunted is marvelously ridiculous and extensive. You see, 50 years ago a chick wanted to woo a man who didn't love her, so she called upon demons to help her. Well the demons tricked her, demons will do that apparently. After inhabiting all the guests at the seyonce at which they were summoned, the demons needed only the womans body to complete their resurrection. So instead of letting that happen, the woman killed herself, trapping the demons in the house forever. The only person left alive was a maid who scribbled spells on a wall that somehow kept the demons at bay. Ok then.
So anyway, one by one the demons start to inhabit the 7 main characters. Apparently the way they do this is by kissing or fucking or touching, it's never really clear. There is a decent scene of butt fucking demonetization.
So a few characters get infected and chase the other characters, who end up in the room the maid scribbled her spells in. Of course our heroin figures out the entire story by reading the wall in about 20 seconds. It's just so overwrought and under thought. The two guys with the heroin, having no problem at all just going with her theory, decide to take a nap. Somehow I don't think napping is in the demon survival handbook.
This turd is just filled with some awesomely atrocious dialog and thought processes. One of the demons started to steam when hit with a rusted pipe which leads our heroin to conclude, "Demons are made from ancient elements, iron is an ancient element, and it rusts, which is why rust hurts them". You really have to stoned out of your fucking mind to think that plot point up.
The film is just a meandering exercise in contrived plot points and ridiculous assumptions. When a character falls 4 stories through multiple floors, how do you help him? Of course you open the box in the corner of the room that has a rope.
The ending is absurd but par for the course. Just know that after a number of her friends are killed and she's been chased all night by demons, our heroin still has time to crack one liners and not be the slightest bit upset with what's been occurring to her.
I guess the best thing you can say about this clunker is that it flies by pretty fast. All the chicks are pretty damn smoking but there isn't much nudity at all, although one of the girls has breasts like fucking pumpkins that were nice to look at.
Other then that there just isn't much here. It would seem a lot of thought went into the back story, but just because it's elaborate doesn't mean it's good, or sensible. There are numerous montages set to music and a lot of that herky jerky stop action shit that annoys the fuck out of me.
So let's run this down. Sub par film making, check. Sub par acting, check. Sub sub par story, check. Hot chicks, check. Well at least they got something right.
One last note, someone get Eddie Furlong some help. There are points where it seems like he's running out of breath delivering dialog.
Just an absolute turd of a remake of a turd.
Once the movie got going I realized I had seen the original and wondered aloud "Why the fuck are they remaking that piece of shit"?
The story varies a bit from the original, but it has the same exact lack of heart and soul. Fuck, it has even less heart and soul then the original, which is a hard fucking thing to pull off. At least the 80's version is campy, this one is just gutless and sterile.
The story, and I use that term loosely, is that there's a house where a bunch of people were murdered some 50 odd years ago, and today, in present times, a rich girl, Shannon Elizabeth, is throwing a Halloween party there.
Things started off promising enough when we're introduced to the 3 main female characters. Not because they add anything but skimpy outfits and hot bodies, but that's a good start. Then we have the three main male characters, one of whom is the guy who ate Eddie Furlong. Seriously, I was watching the movie for a good 20 minutes before I realized who the fuck it was. He's easily gained 50-60 pounds since his T2 days.
So by hook or crook, these 7 people end up trapped alone in this haunted house and the fun begins. I use the term fun very loosely. The story of how the house came to be haunted is marvelously ridiculous and extensive. You see, 50 years ago a chick wanted to woo a man who didn't love her, so she called upon demons to help her. Well the demons tricked her, demons will do that apparently. After inhabiting all the guests at the seyonce at which they were summoned, the demons needed only the womans body to complete their resurrection. So instead of letting that happen, the woman killed herself, trapping the demons in the house forever. The only person left alive was a maid who scribbled spells on a wall that somehow kept the demons at bay. Ok then.
So anyway, one by one the demons start to inhabit the 7 main characters. Apparently the way they do this is by kissing or fucking or touching, it's never really clear. There is a decent scene of butt fucking demonetization.
So a few characters get infected and chase the other characters, who end up in the room the maid scribbled her spells in. Of course our heroin figures out the entire story by reading the wall in about 20 seconds. It's just so overwrought and under thought. The two guys with the heroin, having no problem at all just going with her theory, decide to take a nap. Somehow I don't think napping is in the demon survival handbook.
This turd is just filled with some awesomely atrocious dialog and thought processes. One of the demons started to steam when hit with a rusted pipe which leads our heroin to conclude, "Demons are made from ancient elements, iron is an ancient element, and it rusts, which is why rust hurts them". You really have to stoned out of your fucking mind to think that plot point up.
The film is just a meandering exercise in contrived plot points and ridiculous assumptions. When a character falls 4 stories through multiple floors, how do you help him? Of course you open the box in the corner of the room that has a rope.
The ending is absurd but par for the course. Just know that after a number of her friends are killed and she's been chased all night by demons, our heroin still has time to crack one liners and not be the slightest bit upset with what's been occurring to her.
I guess the best thing you can say about this clunker is that it flies by pretty fast. All the chicks are pretty damn smoking but there isn't much nudity at all, although one of the girls has breasts like fucking pumpkins that were nice to look at.
Other then that there just isn't much here. It would seem a lot of thought went into the back story, but just because it's elaborate doesn't mean it's good, or sensible. There are numerous montages set to music and a lot of that herky jerky stop action shit that annoys the fuck out of me.
So let's run this down. Sub par film making, check. Sub par acting, check. Sub sub par story, check. Hot chicks, check. Well at least they got something right.
One last note, someone get Eddie Furlong some help. There are points where it seems like he's running out of breath delivering dialog.
Just an absolute turd of a remake of a turd.
2010 Horror Fest: Easter Bunny Kill Kill: 23 Out Of 100 Stars
Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear, where do I start? A quick glance at IMDB and cursory internet searches told me that this was gonna be a fun movie. Never trust the internet. I am beyond baffled.
The "movie" all pretty much takes place in a hallway. Early in the movie the mother mentions that she's redecorating, which I guess explains all the tarp hanging all over the place. In other words, some cheap ass folks done made a movie.
The premise is not unpromising. Mother and her retarded son are joined by moms white trash hillbillyesque boyfriend, who hates the retard but likes moms pussy. A stranger gives the little retard a pet rabbit since it's Easter eve. The boyfriend tells the kid he can keep the rabbit as long as he doesn't tell his mom all the mean things he says to him. Mom has to work a double shift, leaving kid and loser alone together, and all hell breaks loose.
The boyfriend offers the kid up to a pedophile in exchange for drugs and then goes and gets some hookers for fucking.
The rest I will not spoil except to say that it's dark, claustrophobic and not frightening in the slightest. Almost everything in the second half of the movie feels like it's being filmed in a tiny little space. The kills are nothing special at all. When all the tension comes from repeated shots of people moving their heads left and right because the set is as big as a crawlspace, well you better be a genius with the camera, and these guys aint.
The conclusion has a double twist that is laughable but on the bright side, any conclusion was OK with me as long as the drawn out thing was fucking over with.
The retard made me laugh, but they all do. The boyfriend was over the top and funny at first, but really started to wear as the movie went deeper. All the secondary characters and actors were fairly shit.
Have no fear film makers, the quintessential Easter horror movie is still waiting to be made.
The "movie" all pretty much takes place in a hallway. Early in the movie the mother mentions that she's redecorating, which I guess explains all the tarp hanging all over the place. In other words, some cheap ass folks done made a movie.
The premise is not unpromising. Mother and her retarded son are joined by moms white trash hillbillyesque boyfriend, who hates the retard but likes moms pussy. A stranger gives the little retard a pet rabbit since it's Easter eve. The boyfriend tells the kid he can keep the rabbit as long as he doesn't tell his mom all the mean things he says to him. Mom has to work a double shift, leaving kid and loser alone together, and all hell breaks loose.
The boyfriend offers the kid up to a pedophile in exchange for drugs and then goes and gets some hookers for fucking.
The rest I will not spoil except to say that it's dark, claustrophobic and not frightening in the slightest. Almost everything in the second half of the movie feels like it's being filmed in a tiny little space. The kills are nothing special at all. When all the tension comes from repeated shots of people moving their heads left and right because the set is as big as a crawlspace, well you better be a genius with the camera, and these guys aint.
The conclusion has a double twist that is laughable but on the bright side, any conclusion was OK with me as long as the drawn out thing was fucking over with.
The retard made me laugh, but they all do. The boyfriend was over the top and funny at first, but really started to wear as the movie went deeper. All the secondary characters and actors were fairly shit.
Have no fear film makers, the quintessential Easter horror movie is still waiting to be made.
2010 Horror Fest: Lake Placid 3: 21 Out Of 100 Stars
The first Lake Placid was a major studio film with A list actors that sort of underperformed at the box office, despite good, quirky fun.
A few years later Lake Placid 2 came out as a direct to video low budget B-list affair that was a solid and quirky film as well. I enjoyed both movies very much so I was a bit stoked for the third installment. But I suppose all good runs have to come to an end.
Lake Placid 3 holds very little of the charm of the first two, and really suffers from lack of focus, focus on the wrong things, and just general laziness.
The second film worked based on a couple of things. Get solid character actors, get a tight script with some tits, murder, and humor, and stay focused.
Here we have a cauldron of story lines and too many characters, most of which aren't engaging in the slightest.
First we have Craig Ferguson as the nephew of Sadie, the old lady who fed the crocs in the sequel. He's an EPA dude, who along with his wife and kid are cleaning out Sadies cabin. Seems she was eaten by crocs between films. Anyway, he's good enough, but the kid is annoying and gets too much of the focus early in the film. You know the scene where the kid has something important to tell the adult but instead of letting him finish they tell him to shut up, so he just sulks off? Well that scene happens much too early this movie. It just plays as a badly acted, drawn out story mechanism that's more annoying than anything else.
Next we have a group of college kids, except they can't just be college kids, they have to have their own back story as well. Seems that one of the couples isn't really a couple but rather a dude who lied to a chick about her boyfriend cheating on her so she would come with him to a fucking lake. That's fine enough but it leads into another group of grating characters. Seems the girls boyfriend is trying to find her so he hires Yancy Butler, playing a hunting guide or Rambo with tits, in A most dreadful performance, to take him out to the lake. Just a contrived and unnecessary plot. And the acting between the two is akin to a coke can up your ass.
Oh, Michael Ironside, an actual good actor is also in the movie, but is given very little to do.
Besides the hackneyed script, bad acting, and plot that gets way too fucking tedious for a movie about killer crocs, we have our last and maybe biggest problem.
In the second movie the CGI was kept to a minimum and the crocs were mostly seen for a few seconds at a time in the water. Here we are treated to way too many scenes of crocs on land, horrifically digitized, killing and chasing people and things. It looks ridiculous, and really takes all the drama and fun out of things. It's like instead of trying to hide the limited capabilities the film makers had, they decided to make them a focal point. Really fucking agitating.
So yeah, convoluted setup leads us to a convoluted conclusion. Everyone is kind of trapped in the cabin. I say kind of because one moment they can't go anywhere, and the next they just decide they can. People come in and out of the movie, get killed, go missing, whatever. The group that is left somehow trek from the cabin into town. But when they get into town, a town mind you, full of.......ya know, people, they still act as if they're all alone. They bang on a shop door in the middle of the night and when they get no reply they decide the best thing to do is break into a supermarket. This movie was always pretty stupid, now it's downright insulting. Of course the crocs have followed them over who knows how many miles to the supermarket. Jesus Christ.
Lake Placid 3 takes nothing from it's better predecessors and instead is content to be a brutally dumb, badly acted turd. The best thing I can say about it is that it has some quality nudity and hot bitches wearing very little clothes.
After two good stays, I'd be happy if my third trip to Lake Placid was my last.
A few years later Lake Placid 2 came out as a direct to video low budget B-list affair that was a solid and quirky film as well. I enjoyed both movies very much so I was a bit stoked for the third installment. But I suppose all good runs have to come to an end.
Lake Placid 3 holds very little of the charm of the first two, and really suffers from lack of focus, focus on the wrong things, and just general laziness.
The second film worked based on a couple of things. Get solid character actors, get a tight script with some tits, murder, and humor, and stay focused.
Here we have a cauldron of story lines and too many characters, most of which aren't engaging in the slightest.
First we have Craig Ferguson as the nephew of Sadie, the old lady who fed the crocs in the sequel. He's an EPA dude, who along with his wife and kid are cleaning out Sadies cabin. Seems she was eaten by crocs between films. Anyway, he's good enough, but the kid is annoying and gets too much of the focus early in the film. You know the scene where the kid has something important to tell the adult but instead of letting him finish they tell him to shut up, so he just sulks off? Well that scene happens much too early this movie. It just plays as a badly acted, drawn out story mechanism that's more annoying than anything else.
Next we have a group of college kids, except they can't just be college kids, they have to have their own back story as well. Seems that one of the couples isn't really a couple but rather a dude who lied to a chick about her boyfriend cheating on her so she would come with him to a fucking lake. That's fine enough but it leads into another group of grating characters. Seems the girls boyfriend is trying to find her so he hires Yancy Butler, playing a hunting guide or Rambo with tits, in A most dreadful performance, to take him out to the lake. Just a contrived and unnecessary plot. And the acting between the two is akin to a coke can up your ass.
Oh, Michael Ironside, an actual good actor is also in the movie, but is given very little to do.
Besides the hackneyed script, bad acting, and plot that gets way too fucking tedious for a movie about killer crocs, we have our last and maybe biggest problem.
In the second movie the CGI was kept to a minimum and the crocs were mostly seen for a few seconds at a time in the water. Here we are treated to way too many scenes of crocs on land, horrifically digitized, killing and chasing people and things. It looks ridiculous, and really takes all the drama and fun out of things. It's like instead of trying to hide the limited capabilities the film makers had, they decided to make them a focal point. Really fucking agitating.
So yeah, convoluted setup leads us to a convoluted conclusion. Everyone is kind of trapped in the cabin. I say kind of because one moment they can't go anywhere, and the next they just decide they can. People come in and out of the movie, get killed, go missing, whatever. The group that is left somehow trek from the cabin into town. But when they get into town, a town mind you, full of.......ya know, people, they still act as if they're all alone. They bang on a shop door in the middle of the night and when they get no reply they decide the best thing to do is break into a supermarket. This movie was always pretty stupid, now it's downright insulting. Of course the crocs have followed them over who knows how many miles to the supermarket. Jesus Christ.
Lake Placid 3 takes nothing from it's better predecessors and instead is content to be a brutally dumb, badly acted turd. The best thing I can say about it is that it has some quality nudity and hot bitches wearing very little clothes.
After two good stays, I'd be happy if my third trip to Lake Placid was my last.
2010 Horror Fest: Zombie Women Of Satan: 44 Out Of 100 Stars
A for effort, D for execution.
Zombie Women Of Satan is, settle in for this description, A British movie about A traveling freak show that features a perverted clown, a midget, a strong man without a tongue, a female rock star, and a burlesque girl. That's group 1.
Group 2 is a father who is a mad scientist who is doing studies on women and trying to turn them into zombies. He gets the women from his son, who runs a cult on the family compound. The scientist also has two daughters who help with both the cult and the experiments. And then there's dear old mum, who appears to be part zombie, and is chained up in a closet for her, and everyone elses protection.
The cult leading son also has some sort of tv show that focuses on weirdos, which is how the 2 groups end up getting together. But while doing the TV show, the female rocker thinks she sees her long lost sister, who is in fact, part of the cult.
Through a mix up, somehow some zombie blood gets into the punch being served to the cult girls and that's when all hell breaks loose as we are treated to dozens of topless zombie bitches breaking free and going after anything and everything they can get their undead hands on.
There is effort in the script. It produces some funny one liners and it aims to be as zany as possible. I think it's a decent script. I laughed a number of times, but it was the joke as written more so than as delivered.
Technically the movie just isn't very good. The look is fine, nothing wrong there, but the editing, blocking, actual cameraship, all are very flawed and lead to a stilted and choppy viewing experience. It's very hard to make one liners work when the camera always seems to be out of sync with the actors.
The acting for the most part is decent. Again, it's hard to tell if a line is delivered badly when the filming of it does it no favors. An actor reciting a line that doesn't flow in the conversation he's having because of the editing and cuts makes it hard to know if it's the actors fault or the directors. That being said, it's not like the acting is all that good either. It looks like a bunch of people who know what to do, but not quite how to do it.
I can't really recommend this movie as anything other than perhaps a stoned or drunk, late night, laugh at it sort of thing, but in the hands of more skilled film makers I think this could have been very entertaining.
Zombie Women Of Satan won't kill you with laughter but I'll be damned if it doesn't try as hard it can.
Zombie Women Of Satan is, settle in for this description, A British movie about A traveling freak show that features a perverted clown, a midget, a strong man without a tongue, a female rock star, and a burlesque girl. That's group 1.
Group 2 is a father who is a mad scientist who is doing studies on women and trying to turn them into zombies. He gets the women from his son, who runs a cult on the family compound. The scientist also has two daughters who help with both the cult and the experiments. And then there's dear old mum, who appears to be part zombie, and is chained up in a closet for her, and everyone elses protection.
The cult leading son also has some sort of tv show that focuses on weirdos, which is how the 2 groups end up getting together. But while doing the TV show, the female rocker thinks she sees her long lost sister, who is in fact, part of the cult.
Through a mix up, somehow some zombie blood gets into the punch being served to the cult girls and that's when all hell breaks loose as we are treated to dozens of topless zombie bitches breaking free and going after anything and everything they can get their undead hands on.
There is effort in the script. It produces some funny one liners and it aims to be as zany as possible. I think it's a decent script. I laughed a number of times, but it was the joke as written more so than as delivered.
Technically the movie just isn't very good. The look is fine, nothing wrong there, but the editing, blocking, actual cameraship, all are very flawed and lead to a stilted and choppy viewing experience. It's very hard to make one liners work when the camera always seems to be out of sync with the actors.
The acting for the most part is decent. Again, it's hard to tell if a line is delivered badly when the filming of it does it no favors. An actor reciting a line that doesn't flow in the conversation he's having because of the editing and cuts makes it hard to know if it's the actors fault or the directors. That being said, it's not like the acting is all that good either. It looks like a bunch of people who know what to do, but not quite how to do it.
I can't really recommend this movie as anything other than perhaps a stoned or drunk, late night, laugh at it sort of thing, but in the hands of more skilled film makers I think this could have been very entertaining.
Zombie Women Of Satan won't kill you with laughter but I'll be damned if it doesn't try as hard it can.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
2010 Horror Fest: Nightmare On Elm Street: 74 Out Of 100 Stars
This is of course the re imaging that came out last year.
This baby had a real chance to be a top flight film, and while the effort is clearly there, it comes up just short, but I appreciate how the series was revived and what the film makers were trying to do here.
The main difference between this version and the original is that a lot more of the story is focused on Krueger as a child molester, and the fact that it was the films kids that he diddled. It was a tight rope to try and focus on both aspects of Krueger, the supernatural part and the real, kid fucker, part. I thought for the most part they did a good job of separating the two aspects, but the longer the movie went and the more entwined they became, they sort of became a hindrance to each other.
I thought that the cast for the most part was pretty damn good. When you get pissed that a character has died, it's a good a indication you were enjoying him. The one exception would be the girl who played Nancy. She wasn't bad per se, I just didn't feel much for her, it felt like a lot of chicks could have done what this girl did and the film would have been better served to have a more believable and dare I say, sexier, girl. The male lead was very good.
I thought Jack Earl Haley was awesome as Freddy, but the makeup he wore was just a bit off. Too many times during the movie I found myself distracted by what I thought was a sub par effects job.
The kills were good, they called back to the original but had their own flavor.
A real solid beginning to what I hope is a series, much better than Friday The 13th re imaging which I have pretty much forgotten already.
Fans of the original and those who have never seen any of the previous films ought to have a fun time watching this movie.
You'll enjoy your time on Elm Street.
This baby had a real chance to be a top flight film, and while the effort is clearly there, it comes up just short, but I appreciate how the series was revived and what the film makers were trying to do here.
The main difference between this version and the original is that a lot more of the story is focused on Krueger as a child molester, and the fact that it was the films kids that he diddled. It was a tight rope to try and focus on both aspects of Krueger, the supernatural part and the real, kid fucker, part. I thought for the most part they did a good job of separating the two aspects, but the longer the movie went and the more entwined they became, they sort of became a hindrance to each other.
I thought that the cast for the most part was pretty damn good. When you get pissed that a character has died, it's a good a indication you were enjoying him. The one exception would be the girl who played Nancy. She wasn't bad per se, I just didn't feel much for her, it felt like a lot of chicks could have done what this girl did and the film would have been better served to have a more believable and dare I say, sexier, girl. The male lead was very good.
I thought Jack Earl Haley was awesome as Freddy, but the makeup he wore was just a bit off. Too many times during the movie I found myself distracted by what I thought was a sub par effects job.
The kills were good, they called back to the original but had their own flavor.
A real solid beginning to what I hope is a series, much better than Friday The 13th re imaging which I have pretty much forgotten already.
Fans of the original and those who have never seen any of the previous films ought to have a fun time watching this movie.
You'll enjoy your time on Elm Street.
2010 Horror Fest: Dark And Stormy Night: 59 Out Of 100 Stars
Interesting little film here. Not a horror, but a comedy, this is a black and white spoof of old timey whodunits. Think Clue.
The setup is simple. It is in fact, a dark and stormy night. A will is about to be read, and a cast of eclectic characters have gathered to hear said reading. From there all heck breaks loose.
The movie is interesting. It never lags, and it is humorous, to a point. But eventually the constant wordplay becomes more filler than fun. It is possible that I just don't have the sensibilities to appreciate the 30's speak and constant parody of such speak, but I'm inclined to agree with my own thinking that it's just not as funny as the script thinks it is.
That is no way to suggest that this is a bad movie, it isn't. I just don't think that for what it's trying to do, it's all that.
The cast is solid and the direction and editing are slightly stilted in some areas but for the most part it's good enough.
If you liked Clue, I'd suggest giving this movie a shot. It's nowhere near as good, but the effort is there and there are more than enough jokes that work to make it a recommend.
There are better ways to spend A Dark And Stormy Night but this one aint half bad.
The setup is simple. It is in fact, a dark and stormy night. A will is about to be read, and a cast of eclectic characters have gathered to hear said reading. From there all heck breaks loose.
The movie is interesting. It never lags, and it is humorous, to a point. But eventually the constant wordplay becomes more filler than fun. It is possible that I just don't have the sensibilities to appreciate the 30's speak and constant parody of such speak, but I'm inclined to agree with my own thinking that it's just not as funny as the script thinks it is.
That is no way to suggest that this is a bad movie, it isn't. I just don't think that for what it's trying to do, it's all that.
The cast is solid and the direction and editing are slightly stilted in some areas but for the most part it's good enough.
If you liked Clue, I'd suggest giving this movie a shot. It's nowhere near as good, but the effort is there and there are more than enough jokes that work to make it a recommend.
There are better ways to spend A Dark And Stormy Night but this one aint half bad.
2010 Horror Fest: The Hole: 46 Out Of 100 Stars
Almost the opposite of the previously reviewed film, The Hole starts out with a lot of promise and then sort of fades into a kids morality tale that isn't quite the payoff that the setup suggests is coming.
This is the story of a mother and her two young sons, a teenager and a little fella, who are always on the move to avoid being tracked down by an abusive father and ex husband.
The teenage son immediately develops a relationship with the hottie next door and along with the younger brother, the three kids discover something very odd in the basement of their new house.
For about an hour the movie walks a nice line between being scary enough for adults to enjoy, but still having a sort of carefree tweener vibe to it. But eventually that line dissipates and what's left is a weird sort of kids movie that would seem more at home in the late 80's, mixed with attempts at horror aimed at an older crowds. That is to say that the line that gets walked nicely throughout the first 45 minutes, separates badly.
The performances are strong. Teri Polo is the only known name, and playing the mom she does what she needs to do but is in no way the focal point of the film. The two boys are also solid, and convey a realness to their relationship as brothers. The teenage girl is pretty hot and probably helped earn the movie a few extra points from me. The swimming pool scene especially helped my fondness grow.
In the end I'm just not sure who the movie is aimed at. There are scares, but the best ones feel out of place. There are a lot things here kids would love, but then there are the scares, which I don't think they'd love.
When it comes right down to it, the premise in The Hole that just couldn't be dug out of, no matter how hard everyone involved tried.
This is the story of a mother and her two young sons, a teenager and a little fella, who are always on the move to avoid being tracked down by an abusive father and ex husband.
The teenage son immediately develops a relationship with the hottie next door and along with the younger brother, the three kids discover something very odd in the basement of their new house.
For about an hour the movie walks a nice line between being scary enough for adults to enjoy, but still having a sort of carefree tweener vibe to it. But eventually that line dissipates and what's left is a weird sort of kids movie that would seem more at home in the late 80's, mixed with attempts at horror aimed at an older crowds. That is to say that the line that gets walked nicely throughout the first 45 minutes, separates badly.
The performances are strong. Teri Polo is the only known name, and playing the mom she does what she needs to do but is in no way the focal point of the film. The two boys are also solid, and convey a realness to their relationship as brothers. The teenage girl is pretty hot and probably helped earn the movie a few extra points from me. The swimming pool scene especially helped my fondness grow.
In the end I'm just not sure who the movie is aimed at. There are scares, but the best ones feel out of place. There are a lot things here kids would love, but then there are the scares, which I don't think they'd love.
When it comes right down to it, the premise in The Hole that just couldn't be dug out of, no matter how hard everyone involved tried.
2010 Horror Fest: Wicked Little Things: 55 Out Of 100 Stars
It's amazing how a cinematographer, a director, and a few key actors can help elevate a film into the realm of watchable from the depths of drawn out boredom.
Wicked Little Things is the story of a mother and her two young daughters who have just lost their husband and father to an illness. All their savings gone, the only thing the family has left is a house deep in the Pennsylvania hills that dear old dad left to them in his will.
If I tell you that many years ago, a great number of child slave laborers were killed in a mining disaster in these hills, do you think you can figure out the rest of the plot?
The script is not good at all. It has almost no originality and suffers from a complete lack of distinctive personality. We have the weird shop keep, the fellow teenagers that the oldest daughter meets on the second day in town and becomes best friends with by nightfall, the creepy guy who lives out in the woods. There's almost no character in the movie that's not lifted from the hundreds of movies like this that have come before.
And nearly as bad as the unimaginative script is the marmalade like pace at which things move along. Add in a very dark color tone to the movie and for the first hour we have a drab, drawn out, redundant picture.
Then a funny thing happens. The films third act is saved, out of the blue, by some pretty awesome acting, some great cinematography and a director who knows how to use what he has to deliver a final thirty minutes that are much more tense and scary then the films first hour has led us to believe is coming.
When all is said and done I'm not sure that the movie deserves a rating on the plus side of average, but I wouldn't wanted to have missed the last 30 minutes. If you can handle a boring and goofy setup to get to the good stuff, then I'd say give this one a shot.
If you can get past the little things, you just might enjoy the wicked.
Wicked Little Things is the story of a mother and her two young daughters who have just lost their husband and father to an illness. All their savings gone, the only thing the family has left is a house deep in the Pennsylvania hills that dear old dad left to them in his will.
If I tell you that many years ago, a great number of child slave laborers were killed in a mining disaster in these hills, do you think you can figure out the rest of the plot?
The script is not good at all. It has almost no originality and suffers from a complete lack of distinctive personality. We have the weird shop keep, the fellow teenagers that the oldest daughter meets on the second day in town and becomes best friends with by nightfall, the creepy guy who lives out in the woods. There's almost no character in the movie that's not lifted from the hundreds of movies like this that have come before.
And nearly as bad as the unimaginative script is the marmalade like pace at which things move along. Add in a very dark color tone to the movie and for the first hour we have a drab, drawn out, redundant picture.
Then a funny thing happens. The films third act is saved, out of the blue, by some pretty awesome acting, some great cinematography and a director who knows how to use what he has to deliver a final thirty minutes that are much more tense and scary then the films first hour has led us to believe is coming.
When all is said and done I'm not sure that the movie deserves a rating on the plus side of average, but I wouldn't wanted to have missed the last 30 minutes. If you can handle a boring and goofy setup to get to the good stuff, then I'd say give this one a shot.
If you can get past the little things, you just might enjoy the wicked.
2010 Horror Fest: Suicide Girls Must Die: 35 Out Of 100 Stars
This is 25 stars of nice ideas packed into 10 stars of execution.
Another "self filmed" movie. The premise of this one is that the world famous Suicide Girls are shooting their calendar on a remote Maine island, and doing a documentary about it at the same. All the models are equipped with cameras, the cabin is equipped with cameras, of course there is a diary room as well.
If you get turned off by tattoos, or piercings, or any of the stuff Suicide Girls are known for, then you probably aren't even gonna want to bother with this one. If you like them fine enough then you'll enjoy watching them.
Once the whole crew gets to the island we get the first problem with the movie. Within the movie we are treated to photo shoots, like as if they for the actual Suicide Girls Calender DVD. Long, sometimes 5 minute long, scenes of just girls posing and being photographed. It's an interesting concept to disperse these scenes throughout the film but it really takes you out of the narrative, especially when it's happening for the 5th or 6th time.
If you can stick with the film through these departures it's still a fairly enjoyable watch, up until the wretched 3rd act.
Of course there are shenanigans going on on the island and this leads to a wild stretch of "acting" that consists of the dumbest bitches you can fathom yelling "dude", and "fuck", at each other for moments at a time. I'm not even sure there was a proper script in play here as they all seem to be improvising, repeating parts of conversations, spending minutes upon minutes just yelling the same shit at each other over and over.
And then there is the ending which is such a mega fucking cop out. Either make a movie or don't, but don't try and be two things at once and piss on those that invested 90 minutes of their time in your movie.
Not the total wreck that the low score indicates, and if you enjoy looking at these types of girls you can probably bump it up a good 20 points. But the disastrous second half of the film will take away all the goodwill built up in the first half, and then some.
I didn't want these girls to kill themselves, but I sure was glad when they went away.
Another "self filmed" movie. The premise of this one is that the world famous Suicide Girls are shooting their calendar on a remote Maine island, and doing a documentary about it at the same. All the models are equipped with cameras, the cabin is equipped with cameras, of course there is a diary room as well.
If you get turned off by tattoos, or piercings, or any of the stuff Suicide Girls are known for, then you probably aren't even gonna want to bother with this one. If you like them fine enough then you'll enjoy watching them.
Once the whole crew gets to the island we get the first problem with the movie. Within the movie we are treated to photo shoots, like as if they for the actual Suicide Girls Calender DVD. Long, sometimes 5 minute long, scenes of just girls posing and being photographed. It's an interesting concept to disperse these scenes throughout the film but it really takes you out of the narrative, especially when it's happening for the 5th or 6th time.
If you can stick with the film through these departures it's still a fairly enjoyable watch, up until the wretched 3rd act.
Of course there are shenanigans going on on the island and this leads to a wild stretch of "acting" that consists of the dumbest bitches you can fathom yelling "dude", and "fuck", at each other for moments at a time. I'm not even sure there was a proper script in play here as they all seem to be improvising, repeating parts of conversations, spending minutes upon minutes just yelling the same shit at each other over and over.
And then there is the ending which is such a mega fucking cop out. Either make a movie or don't, but don't try and be two things at once and piss on those that invested 90 minutes of their time in your movie.
Not the total wreck that the low score indicates, and if you enjoy looking at these types of girls you can probably bump it up a good 20 points. But the disastrous second half of the film will take away all the goodwill built up in the first half, and then some.
I didn't want these girls to kill themselves, but I sure was glad when they went away.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
2010 Horror Fest: Splice: 33 Out Of 100 Stars
I mean, what in the fuck, of all that is holy, is this fucking thing supposed to be? HOLY SHIT MAN!!
So I'd seen the commercials for this back when it came out and it looked like some sort of Species esque film. And in the interim I've seen some pretty decent reviews for it, so I figured I'd continue Monster Movie Mayhem by giving a major studio film a shot to entertain me. And I cannot at all say that it did not entertain me, but for the love of Christ this might of been the single silliest fucking movie I have ever seen.
So right away I'm excited to see that Adrian Brody is in it, I'm growing fond of the dude.
And then the movie starts. Beware, there is gonna be some major spoiling going on from this point.
Yeah, so Adrian and his girlfriend are super scientists, working on gene splicing and creating new species so that the company they work for can harvest genes and shit, whatever, fine enough setup.
But soon the company wants to move on from research to development, so our rebel scientist decide to quickly do a covert experiment by adding human DNA to their experiments.
What this produces is fucking Muppet that looks like a giant sperm but has a high pitched squeal that sounds cute, so instead of using it for science they start to FUCKING RAISE IT~!!!
They covertly move it around to avoid being caught with it. They try and teach it. They talk to it, feed it, and treat it like a fucking child. It grows, this does not alarm them much. They are forced to move it to a barn, it eats a rabbit raw, this does not alarm them much. It starts to morph into a teenage girl, this does not alarm them much.
I should point out that it's mostly the chick, in the first act, who treats whatever this is as human. The boyfriend is sort of appropriately outraged but he doesn't really do anything to stop her, which is ridiculous. You sort of disagree with your girlfriend about the amount of money you spend grocery shopping, You do not sort of disagree with your girlfriend about raising a mutant hybrid you've created in a lab as a fucking child.
I mean Jesus Christ, the overwrought conversations the two leads have regarding this fucking mutant they've created. It's played for serious, like this is fucking Kramer Vs Kramer but the kid is the fucking thing from Alien. It's so astoundingly absurd that at many points I considered I was watching a parody comedy. But alas, these people making this movie appear to be genuine in their seriousness, which is both gut wrenchingly laughable, and mind numbingly sad at the same time.
So then it get's even better, as, wait for it..............The mutant, now looking like a mix between a teenage girl, a peanut, and a kangaroo.......................SEDUCES ADRIAN BRODY. Yes, it seduces him. They fuck. They fuck with passion.
Ah, but once the couple gets over that little roadblock, they decide they have to end the experiment, that it's gone too far. Something a stoner like me realized about 10 seconds into it's conception.
Alas, by the time they try and put an end to this thing they've created, it has changed sex and grown wings, and the ability to live underground, and fly and kill.
There is an uninspired action sequence to close out the film and a final twist that's easier to see coming than Peter North.
It's quite honestly too god damn silly and funny to not recommend checking out if you're into that sort of thing, but as for what it's intended to be, it fails miserably, like on a mega level.
I can't think of a tag line for this movie that describes it any better than, Holy Shit!
So I'd seen the commercials for this back when it came out and it looked like some sort of Species esque film. And in the interim I've seen some pretty decent reviews for it, so I figured I'd continue Monster Movie Mayhem by giving a major studio film a shot to entertain me. And I cannot at all say that it did not entertain me, but for the love of Christ this might of been the single silliest fucking movie I have ever seen.
So right away I'm excited to see that Adrian Brody is in it, I'm growing fond of the dude.
And then the movie starts. Beware, there is gonna be some major spoiling going on from this point.
Yeah, so Adrian and his girlfriend are super scientists, working on gene splicing and creating new species so that the company they work for can harvest genes and shit, whatever, fine enough setup.
But soon the company wants to move on from research to development, so our rebel scientist decide to quickly do a covert experiment by adding human DNA to their experiments.
What this produces is fucking Muppet that looks like a giant sperm but has a high pitched squeal that sounds cute, so instead of using it for science they start to FUCKING RAISE IT~!!!
They covertly move it around to avoid being caught with it. They try and teach it. They talk to it, feed it, and treat it like a fucking child. It grows, this does not alarm them much. They are forced to move it to a barn, it eats a rabbit raw, this does not alarm them much. It starts to morph into a teenage girl, this does not alarm them much.
I should point out that it's mostly the chick, in the first act, who treats whatever this is as human. The boyfriend is sort of appropriately outraged but he doesn't really do anything to stop her, which is ridiculous. You sort of disagree with your girlfriend about the amount of money you spend grocery shopping, You do not sort of disagree with your girlfriend about raising a mutant hybrid you've created in a lab as a fucking child.
I mean Jesus Christ, the overwrought conversations the two leads have regarding this fucking mutant they've created. It's played for serious, like this is fucking Kramer Vs Kramer but the kid is the fucking thing from Alien. It's so astoundingly absurd that at many points I considered I was watching a parody comedy. But alas, these people making this movie appear to be genuine in their seriousness, which is both gut wrenchingly laughable, and mind numbingly sad at the same time.
So then it get's even better, as, wait for it..............The mutant, now looking like a mix between a teenage girl, a peanut, and a kangaroo.......................SEDUCES ADRIAN BRODY. Yes, it seduces him. They fuck. They fuck with passion.
Ah, but once the couple gets over that little roadblock, they decide they have to end the experiment, that it's gone too far. Something a stoner like me realized about 10 seconds into it's conception.
Alas, by the time they try and put an end to this thing they've created, it has changed sex and grown wings, and the ability to live underground, and fly and kill.
There is an uninspired action sequence to close out the film and a final twist that's easier to see coming than Peter North.
It's quite honestly too god damn silly and funny to not recommend checking out if you're into that sort of thing, but as for what it's intended to be, it fails miserably, like on a mega level.
I can't think of a tag line for this movie that describes it any better than, Holy Shit!
2010 Horror Fest: 8213 Gacy House: 24 Out Of 100 Stars
I didn't realize until after I was done watching this shit fest that it was an Asylum film. So yeah, that explains a lot.
Actually, Asylum films tend to have a nice cheese factor that at least adds some humor to the chore of watching them. Not this fucker.
Much like my last movie, the premise of this fucker is that a Ghost Hunters like TV show is filming inside the Gacy, house looking for paranormal activity. The opening credits tell us that this footage was left behind and pieced together to create a narrative, much the same way they did it in Paranormal Activity. I'm fucking overjoyed at this revelation cause I loved that movie soooooooooooooo fucking much.
Anyway, we hit our first hiccup right away when the opening credits tell us that the original Gacy house was torn down and another house was built on the property many years later. Despite giving us this tidbit the actors all refer to it as the Gacy house and act as if this is the acutall building where all the rapes and murders took place.
None of the actors are any good I don't think. I couldn't tell if they were improvising or the script was written as improvisation. In any event we get a lot of repeat dialog and "dude" and "fuck". Ya know, stuff that really engrosses you in the film. For instance, do you know what a K2 machine is? I didn't, but now I do, cause the lead actor asks about it approximately 30 fucking times during the movie.
So what do we get for our dollar should we decide to legally acquire this film for viewing? Well, we get a lot of walking. A lot of horrible dialog. A lot of watching people set up equipment. A lot of people who can't even feign fear or exasperation on any deeper level than "fuck, oh fuck, fuck, fuck, holy shit, fuck, oh man, fuck". No single character in this movie is as ball bitingly annoying as the douche in Paranormal Activity but there are like 7 main characters so the combined annoyance factor is ramped up.
There are some wonderful nuggets of entertainment such as a psychic offering the T-shirt of her friends young son as a peace offering to get the ghost of Gacy to reveal himself. And late in the film a young camera man is pulled through the air and pantsed. Yes, you read that right. A performance of Peter Pan breaks out in the middle of all the horror. Then we have boobs. About the only thing the film has going for it are the 3 fairly attractive females in the cast. One of which injures her boob, leading to a mind numbing scene which in her shirt must be removed and a close up of her heaving jugs is focused on. Later on, Gacys ghost completely deblouses another one of the women, so yeah, I guess there's that.
There's a "diary room", for the actors to talk to a singular camera, because you know, when you have a house full of cameras and everyone is carrying a camera, the one thing you need is a special place to go and be filmed.
I might be able to forgive all this dreadful monotony if anything scary actually occurred, but it doesn't. By the time the supposed creepiness starts, at about 50 minutes in, I would have preferred to be raped by Gacy himself than have to sit through the films final act. Most of the horror consists of people exclaiming that something has touched them, or shadows, or star trek level camera shifting and people falling down or from side to side. It's just a god damn annoyance to watch.
Too painfully wretched to be anything but tedious, 8213 Gacy House is no place I ever wanna go to again, not out of fright, but out of sheer boredom.
Actually, Asylum films tend to have a nice cheese factor that at least adds some humor to the chore of watching them. Not this fucker.
Much like my last movie, the premise of this fucker is that a Ghost Hunters like TV show is filming inside the Gacy, house looking for paranormal activity. The opening credits tell us that this footage was left behind and pieced together to create a narrative, much the same way they did it in Paranormal Activity. I'm fucking overjoyed at this revelation cause I loved that movie soooooooooooooo fucking much.
Anyway, we hit our first hiccup right away when the opening credits tell us that the original Gacy house was torn down and another house was built on the property many years later. Despite giving us this tidbit the actors all refer to it as the Gacy house and act as if this is the acutall building where all the rapes and murders took place.
None of the actors are any good I don't think. I couldn't tell if they were improvising or the script was written as improvisation. In any event we get a lot of repeat dialog and "dude" and "fuck". Ya know, stuff that really engrosses you in the film. For instance, do you know what a K2 machine is? I didn't, but now I do, cause the lead actor asks about it approximately 30 fucking times during the movie.
So what do we get for our dollar should we decide to legally acquire this film for viewing? Well, we get a lot of walking. A lot of horrible dialog. A lot of watching people set up equipment. A lot of people who can't even feign fear or exasperation on any deeper level than "fuck, oh fuck, fuck, fuck, holy shit, fuck, oh man, fuck". No single character in this movie is as ball bitingly annoying as the douche in Paranormal Activity but there are like 7 main characters so the combined annoyance factor is ramped up.
There are some wonderful nuggets of entertainment such as a psychic offering the T-shirt of her friends young son as a peace offering to get the ghost of Gacy to reveal himself. And late in the film a young camera man is pulled through the air and pantsed. Yes, you read that right. A performance of Peter Pan breaks out in the middle of all the horror. Then we have boobs. About the only thing the film has going for it are the 3 fairly attractive females in the cast. One of which injures her boob, leading to a mind numbing scene which in her shirt must be removed and a close up of her heaving jugs is focused on. Later on, Gacys ghost completely deblouses another one of the women, so yeah, I guess there's that.
There's a "diary room", for the actors to talk to a singular camera, because you know, when you have a house full of cameras and everyone is carrying a camera, the one thing you need is a special place to go and be filmed.
I might be able to forgive all this dreadful monotony if anything scary actually occurred, but it doesn't. By the time the supposed creepiness starts, at about 50 minutes in, I would have preferred to be raped by Gacy himself than have to sit through the films final act. Most of the horror consists of people exclaiming that something has touched them, or shadows, or star trek level camera shifting and people falling down or from side to side. It's just a god damn annoyance to watch.
Too painfully wretched to be anything but tedious, 8213 Gacy House is no place I ever wanna go to again, not out of fright, but out of sheer boredom.
2010 Horror Fest: House Of Bones: 15 Out Of 100 Stars
I was so excited to start the 2010 Monster Movie Mayhem. I had my turkey hoagie, my sour cream & onion potato chips, I was high as a pretty kite, and I had this little diddy entitled House Of Bones ready to go. Then I got the cinematic equivalent of ass rape.
House Of Bones is a dreadful shit fest "starring" Charisma Carpenter, about.....well, I guess it's about a house that's alive. Or a lot of land that's alive. Or a particular zoning area that's alive. Whenever something needs to be alive for the purposes of the cum stained script, it's alive.
The premise is that a TV show, not unlike Ghost Hunters, is going to film in this old house. The entire crew consists of a couple of dudes and a just hired psychic, played by Carpenter, in a tour de force of walking around aimlessly and looking for all the world like she fully realizes she's Charisma Carpenter and this is where her career has ended up.
I goof, but really she's the least of this films troubles.
I'm trying to think of way to describe how utterly boring this fucking movie was. I can't do it. Fuck.
The walls try and eat stuff, weather veins spin around and pierce people, radios turn on and off. The producer walks us through an idiotic back story about some dude in the 1700's burying people in the walls in order to feed the houses psychic energy, which of course the others find completely plausible.
Blah, blah, blah they can't get out of the house, they keep having visions, how will they escape, where did I leave my pipe, how quick can i get high and forget this shit, the questions are endless.
There's an unfunny funny side story surrounding the "host" of the show, a true Hollywood A-Lister who arrives at the haunted house via taxi cab carrying his own luggage.
It's visually competent, so there ya go. None of actors have much presence but they aren't bad per se, there's just nothing that could have been done with this script.
A moronic, lethargic, meandering excursion through horror film cliches that has no actual antagonist, but has a lot of fucking furniture. The House Of Bones is a House Of Bores.
House Of Bones is a dreadful shit fest "starring" Charisma Carpenter, about.....well, I guess it's about a house that's alive. Or a lot of land that's alive. Or a particular zoning area that's alive. Whenever something needs to be alive for the purposes of the cum stained script, it's alive.
The premise is that a TV show, not unlike Ghost Hunters, is going to film in this old house. The entire crew consists of a couple of dudes and a just hired psychic, played by Carpenter, in a tour de force of walking around aimlessly and looking for all the world like she fully realizes she's Charisma Carpenter and this is where her career has ended up.
I goof, but really she's the least of this films troubles.
I'm trying to think of way to describe how utterly boring this fucking movie was. I can't do it. Fuck.
The walls try and eat stuff, weather veins spin around and pierce people, radios turn on and off. The producer walks us through an idiotic back story about some dude in the 1700's burying people in the walls in order to feed the houses psychic energy, which of course the others find completely plausible.
Blah, blah, blah they can't get out of the house, they keep having visions, how will they escape, where did I leave my pipe, how quick can i get high and forget this shit, the questions are endless.
There's an unfunny funny side story surrounding the "host" of the show, a true Hollywood A-Lister who arrives at the haunted house via taxi cab carrying his own luggage.
It's visually competent, so there ya go. None of actors have much presence but they aren't bad per se, there's just nothing that could have been done with this script.
A moronic, lethargic, meandering excursion through horror film cliches that has no actual antagonist, but has a lot of fucking furniture. The House Of Bones is a House Of Bores.
2010 Horror Fest: Predators: 29 Out Of 100 Stars
So when I heard that Bobby Rodriguez was making a Predator movie, I tinkled myself a little bit. Dude has a flair for action and is more than a competent movie maker. Having just watched it, I'm left to wonder what the fuck went wrong.
First off, we have these characters who are all supposed to be skilled killers in one form or another, yet there is very little actual fighting that feels like it means anything. We get a lot of talking about shit, a lot of walking through the forest, but fuck, nobody ever does much of anything special through the films first 90 minutes. When we are finally given a cool showdown between one of the dudes and a predator, what happens? It ends in a fucking draw, yay.
There are two characters in the movie worth a shit, and surprisingly enough they're played by the only two actors who seem capable of understanding what it seemed like the script, at some point, was trying to do. Brody comes across as a legit bad ass, which I never thought I'd be able to say, but god damn if he isn't begging to be surrounded by a better movie. He puts his heart into this fucker. Topher Grace is also outstanding and would have been served better by a script that utilized his character better.
Besides all this, we struggle through 45 minutes of setup only to be interrupted by fat Laurence Fishburne, looking he's been in club med eating fried chicken for 5 years instead of fighting for survival.
Then we have the god damn ridiculous Big Predator vs Little Predator storyline that just adds to muddy the waters needlessly.
So yeah, what we end up with is a movie that seemed like it had some life in the development stage with Brody and Graces characters, got dumbed down with 100 little plot points that didn't need to be, and threw in a gaggle of extra characters who had zero attention payed to them. Just an utter let down of a movie.
And lastly the action, or complete lack of action. Who gives a fuck if any of these people get killed? And if they are gonna get killed, make it fucking cool. As alluded to earlier, there's this pretty awesome scene where the Asian dude fights a predator one on one, and I was into it, and then comes the moment where you aren't sure who won, and you realize the predator is dead and you cheer, then you realize the Asian dude is dead too, and you're like "fuck man, that is so weak". Just fuck off already man, just fuck off.
Predators is not only not good, it's the worst fucking movie in the franchise.
First off, we have these characters who are all supposed to be skilled killers in one form or another, yet there is very little actual fighting that feels like it means anything. We get a lot of talking about shit, a lot of walking through the forest, but fuck, nobody ever does much of anything special through the films first 90 minutes. When we are finally given a cool showdown between one of the dudes and a predator, what happens? It ends in a fucking draw, yay.
There are two characters in the movie worth a shit, and surprisingly enough they're played by the only two actors who seem capable of understanding what it seemed like the script, at some point, was trying to do. Brody comes across as a legit bad ass, which I never thought I'd be able to say, but god damn if he isn't begging to be surrounded by a better movie. He puts his heart into this fucker. Topher Grace is also outstanding and would have been served better by a script that utilized his character better.
Besides all this, we struggle through 45 minutes of setup only to be interrupted by fat Laurence Fishburne, looking he's been in club med eating fried chicken for 5 years instead of fighting for survival.
Then we have the god damn ridiculous Big Predator vs Little Predator storyline that just adds to muddy the waters needlessly.
So yeah, what we end up with is a movie that seemed like it had some life in the development stage with Brody and Graces characters, got dumbed down with 100 little plot points that didn't need to be, and threw in a gaggle of extra characters who had zero attention payed to them. Just an utter let down of a movie.
And lastly the action, or complete lack of action. Who gives a fuck if any of these people get killed? And if they are gonna get killed, make it fucking cool. As alluded to earlier, there's this pretty awesome scene where the Asian dude fights a predator one on one, and I was into it, and then comes the moment where you aren't sure who won, and you realize the predator is dead and you cheer, then you realize the Asian dude is dead too, and you're like "fuck man, that is so weak". Just fuck off already man, just fuck off.
Predators is not only not good, it's the worst fucking movie in the franchise.
2010 Horror Fest: Road Kill: 10 Out Of 100 Stars
I hate movies that look this good, proving there to be a budget and/or competent film making ability, yet saddled with such a wretched script and acting.
This is an Australlian movie about.....well, I guess it's about a demonic truck, or demons that posses people, or who the fuck knows.
The script appears to have been put together with the turds that followed eating a box of Alphabits and makes almost no sense. The acting is overwrought and annoying. It's just a fucking boring mess that makes no sense.
This is an Australlian movie about.....well, I guess it's about a demonic truck, or demons that posses people, or who the fuck knows.
The script appears to have been put together with the turds that followed eating a box of Alphabits and makes almost no sense. The acting is overwrought and annoying. It's just a fucking boring mess that makes no sense.
2010 Horror Fest: Porn Shoot Massacre: 15 Out Of 100 Stars
As I watched this low budget shit fest, I actually started thinking about how bad the economy is and got mad at how much money was wasted on this "movie".
The story, as it were, is about a man who finances a porn film with the intent of killing the cast and crew. Sounds fine enough so far, but then we get the execution of said idea, and it all goes to hell.
The first five minutes are spent watching Shelly Martinez take a shower and dry off and I enjoyed that.
The actors suck, some of them can't even speak English very well. The set appears to be a garage that they just put a few fake walls up in to make their "sets". There's gore that's not gory, comedy that isn't funny, and blocking and pacing that look like youtube level videos.
So anyway, girls show up the porn set and we meet the director, who I think is supposed to be funny. I'm pretty sure nothing resembles what an actual porn shoot looks like, and that would be fine if it were at least funny, but it's not, it's just stupid.
Anyway, yeah. There's some naked titty and ass from some mildly above average looking chicks, other than that it's a total waste of film, time and money and really makes me feel palpable hate for everyone involved.
I'd rather be shot than to watch this porn massacre again.
The story, as it were, is about a man who finances a porn film with the intent of killing the cast and crew. Sounds fine enough so far, but then we get the execution of said idea, and it all goes to hell.
The first five minutes are spent watching Shelly Martinez take a shower and dry off and I enjoyed that.
The actors suck, some of them can't even speak English very well. The set appears to be a garage that they just put a few fake walls up in to make their "sets". There's gore that's not gory, comedy that isn't funny, and blocking and pacing that look like youtube level videos.
So anyway, girls show up the porn set and we meet the director, who I think is supposed to be funny. I'm pretty sure nothing resembles what an actual porn shoot looks like, and that would be fine if it were at least funny, but it's not, it's just stupid.
Anyway, yeah. There's some naked titty and ass from some mildly above average looking chicks, other than that it's a total waste of film, time and money and really makes me feel palpable hate for everyone involved.
I'd rather be shot than to watch this porn massacre again.
2010 Horror Fest: Cabin Fever 2: 10 Out Of 100 Stars
It continues to amaze me the ways in which people can make horrible films.
This is the sequel to the original that a lot of people seemed to like, but I found pretty underwhelming.
Here we have a straight to DVD shit stain, that plays like something nobody, on any level involved, put any heart into, or gave a shit about.
The first 40 minutes are hideous exposition scenes that feel lifted word for word from the worst scripts ever written. It's so droll, witless and pedantic in script and is delivered by below average actors who either don't care and just go through their lines, or care too much and overact to the most ridiculous situations.
The movie tries a jumbled mess of tones. Drama, comedy, action, but it fails at all of them. There is a lot of gore and some of it elicited a chuckle, but everything fun they try to do is undermined by how horrid the story behind it is.
It's just a shit movie.
This is the sequel to the original that a lot of people seemed to like, but I found pretty underwhelming.
Here we have a straight to DVD shit stain, that plays like something nobody, on any level involved, put any heart into, or gave a shit about.
The first 40 minutes are hideous exposition scenes that feel lifted word for word from the worst scripts ever written. It's so droll, witless and pedantic in script and is delivered by below average actors who either don't care and just go through their lines, or care too much and overact to the most ridiculous situations.
The movie tries a jumbled mess of tones. Drama, comedy, action, but it fails at all of them. There is a lot of gore and some of it elicited a chuckle, but everything fun they try to do is undermined by how horrid the story behind it is.
It's just a shit movie.
2010 Horror Fest: Run, Bitch, Run: 39 Out Of 100 Stars
Well, this movie tried to be everything I've ever wanted a movie to be. Some decent gore in context to go along with a chick fucking herself with a plunger. Lesbian rape, and a good old fashioned raping of a blonde chick in the woods. But alas, it's just too cheesy and bad to be entertaining as anything more than jerkoff material for those so inclined.
It's the story, term used loosely, of two young women who sell bibles door to door and end up, imagine this, in the clutches of a family of deviants. The problem is that of the two young girls, the hotter one is killed pretty quick, and while she has a certain appeal to her, the main character, a blonde girl by the name of Cheryl Leone, just doesn't really have a huge boner appeal.
Anyway, the family consists of the head "bad ass", a slightly retarded goof, and a not ugly, but by no means hot, hispanic chick who likes to fuck herself with toilet tools. This group gets off on torture, sexual and otherwise, and has a good time with various hookers and strippers before being stumbled upon by the bible thumping pussy. Once they've had their fun, it turns into your standard chase/revenge story that has little imagination or originality.
The filming is low budget but looks good enough to pass as grindhouse, so that isn't much of a problem. The acting and camera work are all a notch below, but not atrocious, and the gore is funny enough, over the top enough, and gross enough, to be appealing.
Hotter female leads and a little better filming on the sex stuff would have done this baby a world of justice.
I wouldn't quite recommend it as a "movie", but if you're looking to whack it to some sadistic softcore porn, or wanna see some heads get cut off, then you might as well give it a go.
It's the story, term used loosely, of two young women who sell bibles door to door and end up, imagine this, in the clutches of a family of deviants. The problem is that of the two young girls, the hotter one is killed pretty quick, and while she has a certain appeal to her, the main character, a blonde girl by the name of Cheryl Leone, just doesn't really have a huge boner appeal.
Anyway, the family consists of the head "bad ass", a slightly retarded goof, and a not ugly, but by no means hot, hispanic chick who likes to fuck herself with toilet tools. This group gets off on torture, sexual and otherwise, and has a good time with various hookers and strippers before being stumbled upon by the bible thumping pussy. Once they've had their fun, it turns into your standard chase/revenge story that has little imagination or originality.
The filming is low budget but looks good enough to pass as grindhouse, so that isn't much of a problem. The acting and camera work are all a notch below, but not atrocious, and the gore is funny enough, over the top enough, and gross enough, to be appealing.
Hotter female leads and a little better filming on the sex stuff would have done this baby a world of justice.
I wouldn't quite recommend it as a "movie", but if you're looking to whack it to some sadistic softcore porn, or wanna see some heads get cut off, then you might as well give it a go.
Killer Inside Me: 82 Out Of 100 Stars
Easily the best movie I've seen this year.
Afleck plays it as gorgeously as humanly possible.
About the only shortcomings I can find are Albas performance, and the ending was a little too tidy, but other than that a near flawless film.
The setting, the style, the script, every actor knocking it out of the park. Kate Hudsons sweet ass.
I'm not really sure what people are finding so upsetting about the violence. Have we been trained by movies to think a punch doesn't hurt and that 100 of them can be delivered without consequence? Ok, he punches a few chicks around and it looks real. Forgive me for thinking that's the point.
A tasty Noir Western that plays like a fine conversation, always keeping you engaged and knowing when a few moments of silence are ok, but well aware of where it's going and that you wanna come along.
The Killer Inside is thinking Oscar.
Afleck plays it as gorgeously as humanly possible.
About the only shortcomings I can find are Albas performance, and the ending was a little too tidy, but other than that a near flawless film.
The setting, the style, the script, every actor knocking it out of the park. Kate Hudsons sweet ass.
I'm not really sure what people are finding so upsetting about the violence. Have we been trained by movies to think a punch doesn't hurt and that 100 of them can be delivered without consequence? Ok, he punches a few chicks around and it looks real. Forgive me for thinking that's the point.
A tasty Noir Western that plays like a fine conversation, always keeping you engaged and knowing when a few moments of silence are ok, but well aware of where it's going and that you wanna come along.
The Killer Inside is thinking Oscar.
American, The Bill Hicks Story: 73 Out Of 100 Stars
This is a wonderful documentary on late comedian Bill Hicks, that relies heavily on family and friends to tell his story through their eyes.
For those unfamiliar with Hicks, to label him as just a comedian is a bit of a disservice. He was a man passionate about politics, and the state of the world, and the way human kind treated each other, and had no problem letting a set escalate into nothing more than him preaching. There were times he would mix a joke in, but there are other, more profound times when the barrage would be unrelenting. This made for a lot of uncomfortable situations where audiences weren't quite sure what to make of what they were witnessing or how they were supposed to react, which seemed to be exactly what Hicks wanted. He wanted to make you think.
Almost all the narration through the first 3/4ths of the movie is done via voice over. Stills and video are shown almost non stop and it really helps the narrative. There are very few instances where we watch a person talking. Featured prominently are Bills childhood and lifelong friends, his mother, father, brother and sister.
The pacing is top notch, as it moves swiftly, but never feels like anything is left out. We go from his childhood, to his start in comedy, his move to LA and subsequent move back to Houston. The film does not gloss over the drug use or Bills love of psychedelics or his alcoholism, which led to a very dark period in his career where sets would degrade into mad and bitter ramblings.
The final quarter of the film dealing with Bills death and legacy are very ethereal and delve into his love of psychedelics and his beliefs regarding them, as well as his views on humanity and what death means. It's hard sometimes to watch his parents talk about it, but it's what it is, it can't be made easy.
Anyhoo, removing Hicks, the documentary is done very well from a style standpoint. It never drags or lulls and hits all the points in his life and comedic evolution and never feels like it's moving too fast.
Buy Coke.
For those unfamiliar with Hicks, to label him as just a comedian is a bit of a disservice. He was a man passionate about politics, and the state of the world, and the way human kind treated each other, and had no problem letting a set escalate into nothing more than him preaching. There were times he would mix a joke in, but there are other, more profound times when the barrage would be unrelenting. This made for a lot of uncomfortable situations where audiences weren't quite sure what to make of what they were witnessing or how they were supposed to react, which seemed to be exactly what Hicks wanted. He wanted to make you think.
Almost all the narration through the first 3/4ths of the movie is done via voice over. Stills and video are shown almost non stop and it really helps the narrative. There are very few instances where we watch a person talking. Featured prominently are Bills childhood and lifelong friends, his mother, father, brother and sister.
The pacing is top notch, as it moves swiftly, but never feels like anything is left out. We go from his childhood, to his start in comedy, his move to LA and subsequent move back to Houston. The film does not gloss over the drug use or Bills love of psychedelics or his alcoholism, which led to a very dark period in his career where sets would degrade into mad and bitter ramblings.
The final quarter of the film dealing with Bills death and legacy are very ethereal and delve into his love of psychedelics and his beliefs regarding them, as well as his views on humanity and what death means. It's hard sometimes to watch his parents talk about it, but it's what it is, it can't be made easy.
Anyhoo, removing Hicks, the documentary is done very well from a style standpoint. It never drags or lulls and hits all the points in his life and comedic evolution and never feels like it's moving too fast.
Buy Coke.
Iron Man 2: 34 Out Of 100 Stars
It gets better as it goes on, and at over 2 hours it damn well better, but that's faint praise.
Iron Man 2 opens up with a good 40 minutes of silly bullshit and and Robert Downey lowering himself to Nicolas Cage level schtick. And while Downey spends the rest of film apologizing by being fairly awesome, poor Mickey Rourke and Sam Rockwell never get on track, and are never given anything to do that most part time dinner theater fucks couldn't do.
There's a pretty decent action sequence to close out the film, but by then it's too late and just not good enough. I will say that Don Cheadle has his game face on all the way through, and playing the one character who's serious about this shit from the get go gives him an advantage.
If you don't know anything of the comic you'll be frustrated by the appearance of a few characters who seem to be important but we're never told why. It's a good thing they show up though cause the plot needed a fucking hammer.
I was slightly underwhelmed by the first Iron Man, although I did like it. This one is a MAJOR step back and has pretty much killed the franchise for me. I just can't be assed to watch a third movie made by the same dickholes.
To sit through Iron Man takes an Iron Will.
Iron Man 2 opens up with a good 40 minutes of silly bullshit and and Robert Downey lowering himself to Nicolas Cage level schtick. And while Downey spends the rest of film apologizing by being fairly awesome, poor Mickey Rourke and Sam Rockwell never get on track, and are never given anything to do that most part time dinner theater fucks couldn't do.
There's a pretty decent action sequence to close out the film, but by then it's too late and just not good enough. I will say that Don Cheadle has his game face on all the way through, and playing the one character who's serious about this shit from the get go gives him an advantage.
If you don't know anything of the comic you'll be frustrated by the appearance of a few characters who seem to be important but we're never told why. It's a good thing they show up though cause the plot needed a fucking hammer.
I was slightly underwhelmed by the first Iron Man, although I did like it. This one is a MAJOR step back and has pretty much killed the franchise for me. I just can't be assed to watch a third movie made by the same dickholes.
To sit through Iron Man takes an Iron Will.
MacGruber: 54 Out Of 100 Stars
On one hand, MacGruber provided me with quite a few laughs. On the other hand, I'm not sure I'd recommend anyone sit through it just to see them.
All the big laughs come via some form of insertion, whether it's the hilarious sex scenes, or the stupefying celery sodomy scenes.
I guess the cast does as well as can be expected with what it is really tantamount to an extended sketch that grows wearisome all too easily. Pretty much any joke that doesn't have to do with fucking or shitting falls flat.
MacGruber is full of adult humor for kids, which they use to disguise the fact that other than that it's just a 90 minute SNL skit.
The final scene is pretty funny though.
Rent it and bear with it. Unless you're being a fuddy duddy you'll laugh enough to sort of justify having given it your time.
MacGruber, getting a slightly better than average rating, cause there's some funny cum jokes, MacGruber!!!
All the big laughs come via some form of insertion, whether it's the hilarious sex scenes, or the stupefying celery sodomy scenes.
I guess the cast does as well as can be expected with what it is really tantamount to an extended sketch that grows wearisome all too easily. Pretty much any joke that doesn't have to do with fucking or shitting falls flat.
MacGruber is full of adult humor for kids, which they use to disguise the fact that other than that it's just a 90 minute SNL skit.
The final scene is pretty funny though.
Rent it and bear with it. Unless you're being a fuddy duddy you'll laugh enough to sort of justify having given it your time.
MacGruber, getting a slightly better than average rating, cause there's some funny cum jokes, MacGruber!!!
Greenberg: 70 Out Of 100 Stars
I'd held off on watching this one, as Ben Stiller hasn't done it for me in a long time, and to be honest the idea of watching 90 minutes of kvetching didn't really strike me as a fun time. I knew vaguely that it was about a Jew going thru a mid life crisis, but that's about it.
Anyhoo, Stiller is pretty damn good in this, especially in the later parts. The film is pretty light on dialog early on, focusing more on eye and body movement to get across the tribulations of the main character. Words come in short bursts and almost always deliver.
There are two main story lines throughout. One is Greenbergs love interest, the nanny of his Brother, whose house he is staying at while the rest of the family is away on vacation. The other is the relationship with his best friend, whom he was in a band with many years ago. The band was about to sign a record contract when the titular character backed out, and that theme runs under a lot of their relationship until a magnificent scene near the end of the movie.
The love story didn't really grab me, but the relationship with his best friend provided the best scenes of the movie and I wish that was more of the focus, but what can ya do.
It's slow in parts early, and to be honest, I don't know how well done it is. It's a movie that I'd probably have to watch again to get a feel for the setup, but the conclusion played out very strongly for me, and easily brought this up to a must watch recommendation.
It's whiny yes, and at times you just want kick Greenberg in the nuts, but it develops it's third act strongly, and then delivers with gusto.
Anyhoo, Stiller is pretty damn good in this, especially in the later parts. The film is pretty light on dialog early on, focusing more on eye and body movement to get across the tribulations of the main character. Words come in short bursts and almost always deliver.
There are two main story lines throughout. One is Greenbergs love interest, the nanny of his Brother, whose house he is staying at while the rest of the family is away on vacation. The other is the relationship with his best friend, whom he was in a band with many years ago. The band was about to sign a record contract when the titular character backed out, and that theme runs under a lot of their relationship until a magnificent scene near the end of the movie.
The love story didn't really grab me, but the relationship with his best friend provided the best scenes of the movie and I wish that was more of the focus, but what can ya do.
It's slow in parts early, and to be honest, I don't know how well done it is. It's a movie that I'd probably have to watch again to get a feel for the setup, but the conclusion played out very strongly for me, and easily brought this up to a must watch recommendation.
It's whiny yes, and at times you just want kick Greenberg in the nuts, but it develops it's third act strongly, and then delivers with gusto.
Kick Ass: 77 Out Of 100 Stars
Fun. The idea of kids killing and cursing didn't bother me much as the film takes you into it's own world pretty quickly. The lead was really good and had the look to deliver, he really carries much of the movie.
Nicolas Cage was pretty awesome, and really did a lot to give a foundation to the characters of Big Daddy and Hit Girl in a short amount of screen time. Without him this the film probably wouldn't have worked so well. He was sincere in his motivations, and without those, those two characters would have come off of as too goofy.
A fun romp that takes itself just seriously enough to make you feel the characters pain, while keeping one foot firmly planted in fantasy land, and tongue planted firmly in cheek. Also, Hit Girl in a schoolgirl outfit made me feel things I shouldn't.
Kick Ass, kicks ass.
Nicolas Cage was pretty awesome, and really did a lot to give a foundation to the characters of Big Daddy and Hit Girl in a short amount of screen time. Without him this the film probably wouldn't have worked so well. He was sincere in his motivations, and without those, those two characters would have come off of as too goofy.
A fun romp that takes itself just seriously enough to make you feel the characters pain, while keeping one foot firmly planted in fantasy land, and tongue planted firmly in cheek. Also, Hit Girl in a schoolgirl outfit made me feel things I shouldn't.
Kick Ass, kicks ass.
The Losers: 82 Out Of 100 Stars
A silly blow up fest, that is lifted far above what the script deserves by an awesome cast and kick ass direction.
For the first 10 or 15 minutes I was a little off put by the silly and generic script which sets up the rest of the film, but once the actors get their teeth into the thin material, they really have a ton of fun with it, and make it work wonderfully.
The script is pretty much an A-Team ripoff. I've read it's based on a comic book but I don't read those so I'm not familiar with the material. While I haven't seen the A-Team movie, I can't imagine it's anywhere near as fun as this.
I didn't recognize any of the actors, but they all deserve a fuck ton of credit for their performances. The film is visually fun, and the direction and score add so much. In a way it's almost like a more serious script might have been a hindrance. The movie works, and I wouldn't want anything to change. That's not to say the script is bad, it's just your standard 80's action TV show type script, that sets up situations and moves things along without really thinking too much about it, and just lets the actors deliver their whimsical and funny lines and blow things up.
Even as I wrote this review I bumped my rating up a few points out of the sheer pleasure I got just thinking back over the movie, and I hope like hell we see a sequel.
This is exactly what a summer action movie should be. Funny, action packed, and full of characters you love to watch.
The only Losers here are the people who don't see this film.
For the first 10 or 15 minutes I was a little off put by the silly and generic script which sets up the rest of the film, but once the actors get their teeth into the thin material, they really have a ton of fun with it, and make it work wonderfully.
The script is pretty much an A-Team ripoff. I've read it's based on a comic book but I don't read those so I'm not familiar with the material. While I haven't seen the A-Team movie, I can't imagine it's anywhere near as fun as this.
I didn't recognize any of the actors, but they all deserve a fuck ton of credit for their performances. The film is visually fun, and the direction and score add so much. In a way it's almost like a more serious script might have been a hindrance. The movie works, and I wouldn't want anything to change. That's not to say the script is bad, it's just your standard 80's action TV show type script, that sets up situations and moves things along without really thinking too much about it, and just lets the actors deliver their whimsical and funny lines and blow things up.
Even as I wrote this review I bumped my rating up a few points out of the sheer pleasure I got just thinking back over the movie, and I hope like hell we see a sequel.
This is exactly what a summer action movie should be. Funny, action packed, and full of characters you love to watch.
The only Losers here are the people who don't see this film.
Grown Ups: 72 Out Of 100 Stars
Ya know what? Fuck it man, this was a funny movie. For all the grief the previews got, and even in my own head preparing to be disappointed, I think one big thing was overlooked. These are five funny dudes, and given the chance to essentially just riff for two hours, they do a fine job.
As a movie? It's pedestrian and by the numbers as far as the script goes, but it looks good and has a nice feel to it. But besides that, as I said, this is just a chance for these guys to crack jokes on each other a few hours and I laughed a lot, and even did a spit take or two. Spade and James really carry the movie as Rob Schneider sort of gets stuck playing the straight man most of the time, but that's OK. Rock is pretty bad but isn't given much to do, so whatever, the bloom is way off his rose as far as an acting career goes. Sandler is typical Sandler, the goof with a heart of gold.
The thing that really helped me turn the corner on the movie were the kids. I went in expecting to be irritated, and instead they more than carried their comedic weight.
Sure it has it's clunkers and a few overly sappy scenes, and yes they do laugh at each others jokes too much, but I laughed and I laughed hard, and as the final scenes closed in I wished it wouldn't end cause when it comes right down to it, it's just a fun fucking movie. So there.
As a movie? It's pedestrian and by the numbers as far as the script goes, but it looks good and has a nice feel to it. But besides that, as I said, this is just a chance for these guys to crack jokes on each other a few hours and I laughed a lot, and even did a spit take or two. Spade and James really carry the movie as Rob Schneider sort of gets stuck playing the straight man most of the time, but that's OK. Rock is pretty bad but isn't given much to do, so whatever, the bloom is way off his rose as far as an acting career goes. Sandler is typical Sandler, the goof with a heart of gold.
The thing that really helped me turn the corner on the movie were the kids. I went in expecting to be irritated, and instead they more than carried their comedic weight.
Sure it has it's clunkers and a few overly sappy scenes, and yes they do laugh at each others jokes too much, but I laughed and I laughed hard, and as the final scenes closed in I wished it wouldn't end cause when it comes right down to it, it's just a fun fucking movie. So there.
Death At A Funeral: 67 Out Of 100 Stars
This would be the more recent US version. Or the black version, if you will.
A solidly funny, if too frantic film, that moves along so swiftly you actually feel a bit jipped.
A solidly funny, if too frantic film, that moves along so swiftly you actually feel a bit jipped.
Youth In Revolt: 62 Out Of 100 Stars
Here's another movie that isn't quite sure of the tone it wants to take, the task it's embarked on, or the destination it wants to reach.
The first half hour or so is set up very nicely as Micheal Cera is a lonely geek virgin who meets and falls in love with a girl who may reciprocate his feelings. Cera, his friends, and the girl are all very nicely fleshed out teenage characters, who while walking the line between angsty caricature, never go over it.
Convinced he needs to be tougher to win her love, he creates an alternate personality who isn't afraid to do anything it takes, whether it be lie, cheat, or blow shit up. This is where the movie sort of loses it's feel.
What was set up nicely as a confident coming of age story, morphs into a sort of out of control, yet by the numbers experience, that loses it's way as more and more characters are introduced. There are certainly some laughs, but as the movie moves closer to finding out whether he'll get the girl, I seemed to care less and less about whether he got the girl. There was just too much stuff going on, too much weirdness.
Steve Buscemi as Ceras father is given nothing to do that a million other actors couldn't do. Fred Willard steals the scenes he's in, however. Justin Long as........I dunno, this was the weirdest character in the movie. Introduced about three quarters of the way through, his only purpose seems to be to add even more bizarre behavior to the script.
I think there's a good movie in here, but too much bullshit gets in the way, and an uneven script that seems less and less sure of itself as it goes along really hurts what looked like was going to be a fun time.
Not revolting, but nothing you need to go out of your way to see either.
The first half hour or so is set up very nicely as Micheal Cera is a lonely geek virgin who meets and falls in love with a girl who may reciprocate his feelings. Cera, his friends, and the girl are all very nicely fleshed out teenage characters, who while walking the line between angsty caricature, never go over it.
Convinced he needs to be tougher to win her love, he creates an alternate personality who isn't afraid to do anything it takes, whether it be lie, cheat, or blow shit up. This is where the movie sort of loses it's feel.
What was set up nicely as a confident coming of age story, morphs into a sort of out of control, yet by the numbers experience, that loses it's way as more and more characters are introduced. There are certainly some laughs, but as the movie moves closer to finding out whether he'll get the girl, I seemed to care less and less about whether he got the girl. There was just too much stuff going on, too much weirdness.
Steve Buscemi as Ceras father is given nothing to do that a million other actors couldn't do. Fred Willard steals the scenes he's in, however. Justin Long as........I dunno, this was the weirdest character in the movie. Introduced about three quarters of the way through, his only purpose seems to be to add even more bizarre behavior to the script.
I think there's a good movie in here, but too much bullshit gets in the way, and an uneven script that seems less and less sure of itself as it goes along really hurts what looked like was going to be a fun time.
Not revolting, but nothing you need to go out of your way to see either.
Date Night: 59 Out Of 100 Stars
I had to give this one a slightly above average number because as much as I disliked a lot about it, I belly laughed a good number of times. Don't get me wrong, the ratio of hits to misses wasn't all that great but I can't sit here and say that I didn't laugh very hard a few times, which I guess for a comedy is the most important thing.
I knew going in what the movie was about, generally. Fey and Carrel are a couple out on a date, and through a series of misinterpretations, hilarity ensues.
Neither actor is really stretching to play much more in this movie than we've seen them do on TV. In fact Feys character is about 90% her 30 Rock persona, with a slight dash of realism added. Perhaps this is her exact 30 Rock character after 10 years of marriage. Carell is also just about what you'd exepect Carell to be in a film such as this.
The couple is in a slump, their best friends are getting separated and they feel the need to get out and have some quality time alone. The decide to go into the city to eat at A trendy restaurant. Unfortunately for them the place is booked solid. When a chance to take the table of a couple who have gone missing presents itself, Carell jumps on it. And thus a series of misadventures begins.
I won't tell you much more about the plot except to say that too much of it is spent on action and running and chasing. There are long stretches of what amount to mini sketches and a shitload of one liners and flustered moments that don't play as well as they should because they're in the middle of dramatic moments. The plot does the characters no favors as it serves up a jumbled mixture of scenes, never deciding if it's a funny drama or an action packed comedy. No matter which mixture it thinks it is, it fails at it most of the time.
The best scenes of the film come thanks to the supporting cast. JB Smoove, James Franco and Mila Kunis are all funny, if a little frantic in their portrayals. Fey dressed up as a hooker helps the contrived final scenes a ton.
All in all it's an underwhelming, confused mess with enough hard laughs to make it kind of worthwhile.
I knew going in what the movie was about, generally. Fey and Carrel are a couple out on a date, and through a series of misinterpretations, hilarity ensues.
Neither actor is really stretching to play much more in this movie than we've seen them do on TV. In fact Feys character is about 90% her 30 Rock persona, with a slight dash of realism added. Perhaps this is her exact 30 Rock character after 10 years of marriage. Carell is also just about what you'd exepect Carell to be in a film such as this.
The couple is in a slump, their best friends are getting separated and they feel the need to get out and have some quality time alone. The decide to go into the city to eat at A trendy restaurant. Unfortunately for them the place is booked solid. When a chance to take the table of a couple who have gone missing presents itself, Carell jumps on it. And thus a series of misadventures begins.
I won't tell you much more about the plot except to say that too much of it is spent on action and running and chasing. There are long stretches of what amount to mini sketches and a shitload of one liners and flustered moments that don't play as well as they should because they're in the middle of dramatic moments. The plot does the characters no favors as it serves up a jumbled mixture of scenes, never deciding if it's a funny drama or an action packed comedy. No matter which mixture it thinks it is, it fails at it most of the time.
The best scenes of the film come thanks to the supporting cast. JB Smoove, James Franco and Mila Kunis are all funny, if a little frantic in their portrayals. Fey dressed up as a hooker helps the contrived final scenes a ton.
All in all it's an underwhelming, confused mess with enough hard laughs to make it kind of worthwhile.
Cop Out: 25 Out Of 100 Stars
About halfway through this movie I hopped on IMDB and RottenTomatos to see what others had thought of it. I knew it had been panned, but something struck me in reading some other reviews. A lot of people think this was intended as a parody of 80's cop buddy movies. I honestly had no clue that that's what I might have been watching for 45 minutes.
Kevin Smith got tagged big time for his role as director of this movie but really that's the least of this films woes.
Let's start with the script. I don't know how it looked when it was written, but on the screen it's an utter mess. There are a couple of main plots that are so absurdly woven together that it might as well have been written in some sort of mad libs screenplay generator. The movie has no tone to it at all. Was I watching a parody? A recreation that intended to parody something, but left out the actual parody and just left you to say "Oh yeah, this is the scene where....."
Anyway, the script is awful, near incoherent in it's ridiculousness and just a plain old silly hodgepodge. Some scenes play like skits for Tracy Morgan, the next scene might feature an out of nowhere, fairly brutal murder or death, and yet another scene may feature Bruce Willis looking for all the world like he'd rather be anywhere but in it.
Morgan is the movies main failure. While he is pretty funny on more than one occasion, he has zero acting ability at all. He can't do anything outside the realm of "being Tracy Morgan", which works in 30 second bursts on TV, but not in a feature film.
When it comes to Willis you get the sense that he realizes he's in a turd and reacts thusly. In some action scenes it appears he doesn't even want to move. He recites tongue in cheek lines with all the zest of poop, and more often than not looks flat out bored. There are scenes where all he has to do is turn his head to react to people and it seems as if even this is a bit of a bother to him. I can't blame him however.
Sean William Scott actually provides the movies funniest moments, along with perhaps it's weirdest. Ok, it is the weirdest [spoiler]He breaks his neck and dies out of nowhere in a cringe worthy shot, then we look at him laying dead for a good 30 seconds while comedy ensues[/spoiler] I mean, what the fuck?
In summation, this is just a jumbled mess of a film that seems like nobody involved, on any level, had any interest in making. It's only redeeming quality is seeing just how something so badly constructed can look.
It's no Cop Out to refuse to watch this clunker.
Kevin Smith got tagged big time for his role as director of this movie but really that's the least of this films woes.
Let's start with the script. I don't know how it looked when it was written, but on the screen it's an utter mess. There are a couple of main plots that are so absurdly woven together that it might as well have been written in some sort of mad libs screenplay generator. The movie has no tone to it at all. Was I watching a parody? A recreation that intended to parody something, but left out the actual parody and just left you to say "Oh yeah, this is the scene where....."
Anyway, the script is awful, near incoherent in it's ridiculousness and just a plain old silly hodgepodge. Some scenes play like skits for Tracy Morgan, the next scene might feature an out of nowhere, fairly brutal murder or death, and yet another scene may feature Bruce Willis looking for all the world like he'd rather be anywhere but in it.
Morgan is the movies main failure. While he is pretty funny on more than one occasion, he has zero acting ability at all. He can't do anything outside the realm of "being Tracy Morgan", which works in 30 second bursts on TV, but not in a feature film.
When it comes to Willis you get the sense that he realizes he's in a turd and reacts thusly. In some action scenes it appears he doesn't even want to move. He recites tongue in cheek lines with all the zest of poop, and more often than not looks flat out bored. There are scenes where all he has to do is turn his head to react to people and it seems as if even this is a bit of a bother to him. I can't blame him however.
Sean William Scott actually provides the movies funniest moments, along with perhaps it's weirdest. Ok, it is the weirdest [spoiler]He breaks his neck and dies out of nowhere in a cringe worthy shot, then we look at him laying dead for a good 30 seconds while comedy ensues[/spoiler] I mean, what the fuck?
In summation, this is just a jumbled mess of a film that seems like nobody involved, on any level, had any interest in making. It's only redeeming quality is seeing just how something so badly constructed can look.
It's no Cop Out to refuse to watch this clunker.
Shutter Island: 70 Out Of 100 Stars
In another era, maybe this is a great movie. These days unless you see a film on the first day with almost no previous knowledge of it's contents, a twists effectiveness is hard to reconcile.
I knew the film had a twist. It doesn't take long to suspect what it is. I spent the first hour trying to outtwist the film itself. Grasping at bizarre possibilities and what not. But in the end it is what it is. So how does it play out?
Fine, I guess. The film has a very creepy aura and is shot wonderfully. You feel claustrophobic and intimidated watching the heroes plight. Leonardo is good, although his small stature stood out a bit. Ghandi kicks ass per usual, always menacing right under the hood, a dude who would give me legit turtle dick if he ever threatened me.
Now, does the twist work? Yes, but not as good as it would if this were 1990. I don't think the REAL story hits hard enough though. It's emotional yes, but the whole time we've been sort of mind fucked and so watching this character devolve (evolve) doesn't have quite the effect I think it should. And even in the learning process I was still expecting something else to happen. I out thought my good time, but that's not the movie fault.
No, this isn't a great movie, and it wouldn't be in any other era, but it probably would of felt bigger.
Anyway, Shutter Island is a good place to visit, but you wouldn't want to be locked up there.
I knew the film had a twist. It doesn't take long to suspect what it is. I spent the first hour trying to outtwist the film itself. Grasping at bizarre possibilities and what not. But in the end it is what it is. So how does it play out?
Fine, I guess. The film has a very creepy aura and is shot wonderfully. You feel claustrophobic and intimidated watching the heroes plight. Leonardo is good, although his small stature stood out a bit. Ghandi kicks ass per usual, always menacing right under the hood, a dude who would give me legit turtle dick if he ever threatened me.
Now, does the twist work? Yes, but not as good as it would if this were 1990. I don't think the REAL story hits hard enough though. It's emotional yes, but the whole time we've been sort of mind fucked and so watching this character devolve (evolve) doesn't have quite the effect I think it should. And even in the learning process I was still expecting something else to happen. I out thought my good time, but that's not the movie fault.
No, this isn't a great movie, and it wouldn't be in any other era, but it probably would of felt bigger.
Anyway, Shutter Island is a good place to visit, but you wouldn't want to be locked up there.
Zathrua, A Space Adventure: 37 Out Of 100 Stars
I've wanted to see this forever now. I remember at the time it came out thinking how awesome Jumanji in space would be, but for one reason or another I never got around to seeing it. Well now I've seen it and it stinks!
I know it's pretty much made for kids and I can deal with that, but there is so little fantasy here that it gravely upset me. You'd think a house flying through space would be kinda cool in the situations it sets up, but not here. Almost every fantasy is pedestrian, from the lizard people, to the astronaut in space, to whatever, nothing was exciting, just a bunch of shit happening.
The 37 points are for 2 things. One, the 2 kids who while they whined and annoyed like kids will do, they seemed like they were doing as good a job with a bad script as possible. Two, A very young Kristin Stewart looking fine as all sunshine in a pair of short shorts.
I know it's pretty much made for kids and I can deal with that, but there is so little fantasy here that it gravely upset me. You'd think a house flying through space would be kinda cool in the situations it sets up, but not here. Almost every fantasy is pedestrian, from the lizard people, to the astronaut in space, to whatever, nothing was exciting, just a bunch of shit happening.
The 37 points are for 2 things. One, the 2 kids who while they whined and annoyed like kids will do, they seemed like they were doing as good a job with a bad script as possible. Two, A very young Kristin Stewart looking fine as all sunshine in a pair of short shorts.
Hot Tub Time Machine: 33 Out Of 100 Stars
Man, so much of this movie just didn't work for me. As a lover of the 80's and a stunted man child still caught in his own adolescence, I was more than excited for the prospect of a raunchy comedy set in that time period. What I got was a one note joke repeated by unlikeable characters in a movie that seems to think the idea is enough of a joke to sustain a pretty shitty script. Well it's not.
First off, although we're supposed to feel something for the four leads, all we're ever shown of them is how douchey and pathetic they are. Their better halves are barely seen, and so all we have to go on is what they say, and all I can tell about them is that they are pretty pathetic and or creepy. Why the fuck do I really care if they get fixed or not? They don't much seem like they deserve to get fixed.
I appreciate the music of the 80's but I didn't need a new song for every fucking scene. I get it, they're in the 80's, you don't have to beat me over the head with it.
I don't know, it just didn't work. It woefully didn't work.
This is one Hot Tub Time Machine I don't ever wanna step into again.
First off, although we're supposed to feel something for the four leads, all we're ever shown of them is how douchey and pathetic they are. Their better halves are barely seen, and so all we have to go on is what they say, and all I can tell about them is that they are pretty pathetic and or creepy. Why the fuck do I really care if they get fixed or not? They don't much seem like they deserve to get fixed.
I appreciate the music of the 80's but I didn't need a new song for every fucking scene. I get it, they're in the 80's, you don't have to beat me over the head with it.
I don't know, it just didn't work. It woefully didn't work.
This is one Hot Tub Time Machine I don't ever wanna step into again.
2009 Year In Review
Well then, maybe we've had better years for cinema. Maybe I just didn't see enough shit. Anyway, Watchmen was one of the best movie going experiences of my life and managed to easily take the top spot on this list despite my love for Inglorious Basterds. From there it was sort of a hodgepodge. Low rent, Indy schlock, comedies, A few sleepers, and the Coen Brothers.
10 Best Movies Of 2009
1. Watchmen
2. Inglourious Basterds
3. A Serious Man
4. Terror At Blood Fart Lake
5. Moon
6. I Love You, Man
7. Miss March
8. A Perfect Getaway
9. Trailer Park Boys, Countdown To Liquour Day
10. The Hangover
10 Best Movies Of 2009
1. Watchmen
2. Inglourious Basterds
3. A Serious Man
4. Terror At Blood Fart Lake
5. Moon
6. I Love You, Man
7. Miss March
8. A Perfect Getaway
9. Trailer Park Boys, Countdown To Liquour Day
10. The Hangover
Fantastic Mr. Fox: 38 Out Of 100 Stars
I love Wes Anderson, I love George Clooney, I love cartoons. So why did I not like this movie? Well for starters there isn't a single likeable character. Nobody you can get behind or root for. It's just 90 minutes of dicks being dicks to each other.
Secondly the animation is annoying. It's not fun to watch, it doesn't add anything, and more often than not I think it detracts from the characters.
Thirdly, the dialogue and the story are fantastically pedestrian. This is just stuff happening and nothing exciting or breathtaking or exhilarating happens. All of Andersons works usually have so much heart that at some point you just feel this inner yearning for a character or situation that totally envelopes you. It might not happen right away, but his builds are always great. Here? Nadda. It's just stuff.
The Fox may be fantastic, but the movie sure as fuck aint.
Secondly the animation is annoying. It's not fun to watch, it doesn't add anything, and more often than not I think it detracts from the characters.
Thirdly, the dialogue and the story are fantastically pedestrian. This is just stuff happening and nothing exciting or breathtaking or exhilarating happens. All of Andersons works usually have so much heart that at some point you just feel this inner yearning for a character or situation that totally envelopes you. It might not happen right away, but his builds are always great. Here? Nadda. It's just stuff.
The Fox may be fantastic, but the movie sure as fuck aint.
Precious: 75 Out Of 100 Stars
Good story. Felt a bit forced and rushed, I don't know why. A lot of the reveals don't have the impact you'd think, but the handling of them and the impact is still real solid.
Didn't love it as much as the liberal little girl inside me thought it would, but it's still a very good film.
Didn't love it as much as the liberal little girl inside me thought it would, but it's still a very good film.
Cabin Fever: 32 Out Of 100 Stars
So Id heard that this was sort of an homage to Raimis horror/comedy genre and had been meaning to watch it for awhile, but never got around to it. I wasn't missing much of anything.
The setup is the usual horror scenario of a bunch of teen/college kids heading off to a cabin in the middle of nowhere (or at least in the middle of nowhere when it serves the story) and facing evil. The evil however is not a monster or a villain but rather a flesh eating virus.
So these 5 kids go this cabin, 2 of em fuck, 2 of em give puppy dog eyes to each other and decide whether they wanna hook up after being friends for many years. And a 5th guy wanders out to hunt squirrels and accidentally shoots a drifter who has some sort of virus. Of course after shooting the dude he just leaves him there and hopes that it will go away or something, I dunno.
Anyway, the sick dude wanders up to the cabin and begs for help but instead of doing anything to actually help him they all just flail around and freak out when he tries to take the truck and they end up setting him on fire and watch him run away, then they to try and pretend that nothing actually happened. Eventually they go looking for help and come upon house after house, but by hook or crook the simple act of calling a doctor or getting help eludes them. A cop even shows up but he's a young cop so he's more interested in partying than actually doing anything. I mean the film goes out of it's way to make itself look stupid. One by one the five kids become infected and still instead of doing anything they seem content to just sit around and wait to get help.
The locals, including the cops, figure out what's happening, and again instead of doing anything remotely smart they just start hunting anyone who's infected. Finally the lead gets out of there and it takes him about 30 seconds to find a highway. What is supposed to be hilarity ensues in the films last 10 minutes but I was just begging for the thing to end, especially when a joke was telegraphed for what seemed like 10 minutes before it finally payed off.
A movie that's just not scarey, not funny, and takes absurd pleasure in getting in it's own way. There are a few decent moments of comedy and some nice tits and ass but that's about it. The characters sucked, the virus as a villain sucked and the script was atrocious.
If you ever get Cabin Fever, just kill yourself.
The setup is the usual horror scenario of a bunch of teen/college kids heading off to a cabin in the middle of nowhere (or at least in the middle of nowhere when it serves the story) and facing evil. The evil however is not a monster or a villain but rather a flesh eating virus.
So these 5 kids go this cabin, 2 of em fuck, 2 of em give puppy dog eyes to each other and decide whether they wanna hook up after being friends for many years. And a 5th guy wanders out to hunt squirrels and accidentally shoots a drifter who has some sort of virus. Of course after shooting the dude he just leaves him there and hopes that it will go away or something, I dunno.
Anyway, the sick dude wanders up to the cabin and begs for help but instead of doing anything to actually help him they all just flail around and freak out when he tries to take the truck and they end up setting him on fire and watch him run away, then they to try and pretend that nothing actually happened. Eventually they go looking for help and come upon house after house, but by hook or crook the simple act of calling a doctor or getting help eludes them. A cop even shows up but he's a young cop so he's more interested in partying than actually doing anything. I mean the film goes out of it's way to make itself look stupid. One by one the five kids become infected and still instead of doing anything they seem content to just sit around and wait to get help.
The locals, including the cops, figure out what's happening, and again instead of doing anything remotely smart they just start hunting anyone who's infected. Finally the lead gets out of there and it takes him about 30 seconds to find a highway. What is supposed to be hilarity ensues in the films last 10 minutes but I was just begging for the thing to end, especially when a joke was telegraphed for what seemed like 10 minutes before it finally payed off.
A movie that's just not scarey, not funny, and takes absurd pleasure in getting in it's own way. There are a few decent moments of comedy and some nice tits and ass but that's about it. The characters sucked, the virus as a villain sucked and the script was atrocious.
If you ever get Cabin Fever, just kill yourself.
The Box: 63 Out Of 100 Stars
Why an above average review? Because it may not be all that great, but at least it goes through the effort of trying. Say this for Richard Kelly, he's never boring.
If you've seen the commercials you know the basic premise. A woman is given a box with a button (lol), and if she presses the button she gets a million dollars and someone, somewhere in the world will die.
The movie is pretty fun for the first 45 minutes or so, and not just because it's a decent setup. It wouldn't be a Richard Kelly movie if there weren't a ton of shit going on. Some of it, like the accents and the generally bad acting of Cameron Diaz, are fun.
Once Diaz decides whether or not to push the button, it's as if we were transported into the script of Southland Tales. Kelly packs more shit into his movies than a Tijajuana whore does to her twat. Stuff is brought up, dropped, revisited, people fade in and out, tedious back story is given, all in the end very unnecessary to the final act of the film.
It isn't great, it may not even be all that good, but it's interesting to watch. It's set in the 1970's and as a period piece the sets and camera work are very good. It's enjoyable to look at even when it starts to meander.
It pretty much falls dead in the middle of Kellys other 2 works, borrowing the best and worst from both to produce a good idea riddled with too much shit.
If you've seen the commercials you know the basic premise. A woman is given a box with a button (lol), and if she presses the button she gets a million dollars and someone, somewhere in the world will die.
The movie is pretty fun for the first 45 minutes or so, and not just because it's a decent setup. It wouldn't be a Richard Kelly movie if there weren't a ton of shit going on. Some of it, like the accents and the generally bad acting of Cameron Diaz, are fun.
Once Diaz decides whether or not to push the button, it's as if we were transported into the script of Southland Tales. Kelly packs more shit into his movies than a Tijajuana whore does to her twat. Stuff is brought up, dropped, revisited, people fade in and out, tedious back story is given, all in the end very unnecessary to the final act of the film.
It isn't great, it may not even be all that good, but it's interesting to watch. It's set in the 1970's and as a period piece the sets and camera work are very good. It's enjoyable to look at even when it starts to meander.
It pretty much falls dead in the middle of Kellys other 2 works, borrowing the best and worst from both to produce a good idea riddled with too much shit.
Star Trek: 80 Out Of 100 Stars
Now here's a big budget sci movie with some fucking heart and some fucking brains.
Pretty much everything in this film clicks and I was a bit leery going in as I've never been a big Star Trek fan. Not in so much as I disliked it but more in that I've always been pretty apathetic towards it.
The story is very good, it makes you think, but it's not insulting or meandering. Quality script that helps not only re image, but reinvent the Star Trek Universe. It's a perfect mix of character study and sci-fi action movie.
All of the cast is pretty much spot on in bringing something new to existing characters, but also never making you feel like you're watching the Nickelodeon version of Star Trek. And Uhuru, Oh my. Her and her green girlfriend are an M&M I'd like to melt in my mouth.
This film has got everything, and does everything at a high level. From the script, to the action, to the cinematography, it's all top notch and is blast to watch.
This Star Trek is a Trek worth going on.
Pretty much everything in this film clicks and I was a bit leery going in as I've never been a big Star Trek fan. Not in so much as I disliked it but more in that I've always been pretty apathetic towards it.
The story is very good, it makes you think, but it's not insulting or meandering. Quality script that helps not only re image, but reinvent the Star Trek Universe. It's a perfect mix of character study and sci-fi action movie.
All of the cast is pretty much spot on in bringing something new to existing characters, but also never making you feel like you're watching the Nickelodeon version of Star Trek. And Uhuru, Oh my. Her and her green girlfriend are an M&M I'd like to melt in my mouth.
This film has got everything, and does everything at a high level. From the script, to the action, to the cinematography, it's all top notch and is blast to watch.
This Star Trek is a Trek worth going on.
Transformers 2, Revenge Of The Fallen: 10 Out Of 100 Stars
10 Stars for some slight chuckles sprinkled throughout, and for Megan Fox and her tits and her ass and her legs and eyes and what not.
Never has a movie spent so much time explaining itself. I mean for the love of Christ. The DVD should come with a handbook. Just like in the first movie, the action sequences are worthless because nothing looks like anything coherent. It's a jumbled CGI mess of what are supposed to be robots, but fuck man it's just so pointless.
The writing is.....sitcom level, and not even good sitcom. I'm talking WB level sitcom.
I'm literally baffled beyond repair over why this thing is TWO HOURS AND 30 MINUTES LONG. I mean, the back story, oh the fucking back story. Nobody can be in love with their ideas this much can they? The movie spends like 75% of it's time on this hideously meandering story that nobody needed to tell and nobody needed to hear.
It's been out long enough and been reviewed by enough people that pretty much everybody is aware of all it's faults, but my god. It's just a giant piece of shit filled with words that need not be spoken by characters who need not exist and is, in fact, a movie that need not exist.
This Transformer is Atrocitess Prime.
Never has a movie spent so much time explaining itself. I mean for the love of Christ. The DVD should come with a handbook. Just like in the first movie, the action sequences are worthless because nothing looks like anything coherent. It's a jumbled CGI mess of what are supposed to be robots, but fuck man it's just so pointless.
The writing is.....sitcom level, and not even good sitcom. I'm talking WB level sitcom.
I'm literally baffled beyond repair over why this thing is TWO HOURS AND 30 MINUTES LONG. I mean, the back story, oh the fucking back story. Nobody can be in love with their ideas this much can they? The movie spends like 75% of it's time on this hideously meandering story that nobody needed to tell and nobody needed to hear.
It's been out long enough and been reviewed by enough people that pretty much everybody is aware of all it's faults, but my god. It's just a giant piece of shit filled with words that need not be spoken by characters who need not exist and is, in fact, a movie that need not exist.
This Transformer is Atrocitess Prime.
Shrink: 73 Out Of 100 Stars
Was a bit surprised, after I had viewed it, to find out that this was pretty universally panned. It's got like a 20% at Rotten Tomatoes. That being said, I can see where some of the disdain comes from, but for the most part I don't quite agree with it.
Kevin Spacey is doing the Kevin Spacey thing as a therapist who is grieving his recently deceased wife by being sullen and quietly angry and smoking lotttttts of dope.
The first 20 minutes or so of the film are a bit of a test to get into as we meet Spacey, a therapist who caters to the who's who in Hollywood, and a myriad of his patients who are never given a great deal of screen time. It's a revolving door of character introduction that doesn't feel very coherent or well put together.
But as the film progresses the characters begin to intermingle and the plot gains focus. Now then, a lot of the complaints are about how the film does this and how character A meets character B and how it all comes together so nicely, but that didn't bother me nearly as much as it seemed to bother a lot of other people. I didn't find it so odd that the people orbiting Spacey would come together as neatly as they did. Maybe it's a tired cliche now a few years after Crash, and maybe it's an easy to use plot device and yes there were times where the coincidences are a little too cute, but not enough for me to actively grow disdain towards the film.
With that out of the way there are a ton of great performances here. Spacey is his usual awesome self, and his scenes with his pot dealer, a kid who looks no more than 15 but understatedly has the best head on his shoulders of anyone in the film, are quite awesome.
The scene stealer though is a young black actress, grieving the passing of her mother and lashing out both at school and home. She's sent to see Spaceys father, played by Robert Logia, who passes her case off to his son as a way of attempting to get his head back in the game after a failed intervention. The two have a reserved and understood understanding of what each is going thru and really shine when on the screen together.
There are many more sub plots that weave in and out of the film, Spaceys step god brother, A hypochondriac agent, a drugged out actor who longs to be more than he is, an A list couple on the brink of divorce. All will interact with one another in some way throughout the film and for the most part I thought it was handled pretty well.
So in summation, A script that's much more than it's been given credit for, powered by some performances that are stellar gives you a pretty damn good movie that doesn't break any new ground but is certainly worth a look.
Kevin Spacey is doing the Kevin Spacey thing as a therapist who is grieving his recently deceased wife by being sullen and quietly angry and smoking lotttttts of dope.
The first 20 minutes or so of the film are a bit of a test to get into as we meet Spacey, a therapist who caters to the who's who in Hollywood, and a myriad of his patients who are never given a great deal of screen time. It's a revolving door of character introduction that doesn't feel very coherent or well put together.
But as the film progresses the characters begin to intermingle and the plot gains focus. Now then, a lot of the complaints are about how the film does this and how character A meets character B and how it all comes together so nicely, but that didn't bother me nearly as much as it seemed to bother a lot of other people. I didn't find it so odd that the people orbiting Spacey would come together as neatly as they did. Maybe it's a tired cliche now a few years after Crash, and maybe it's an easy to use plot device and yes there were times where the coincidences are a little too cute, but not enough for me to actively grow disdain towards the film.
With that out of the way there are a ton of great performances here. Spacey is his usual awesome self, and his scenes with his pot dealer, a kid who looks no more than 15 but understatedly has the best head on his shoulders of anyone in the film, are quite awesome.
The scene stealer though is a young black actress, grieving the passing of her mother and lashing out both at school and home. She's sent to see Spaceys father, played by Robert Logia, who passes her case off to his son as a way of attempting to get his head back in the game after a failed intervention. The two have a reserved and understood understanding of what each is going thru and really shine when on the screen together.
There are many more sub plots that weave in and out of the film, Spaceys step god brother, A hypochondriac agent, a drugged out actor who longs to be more than he is, an A list couple on the brink of divorce. All will interact with one another in some way throughout the film and for the most part I thought it was handled pretty well.
So in summation, A script that's much more than it's been given credit for, powered by some performances that are stellar gives you a pretty damn good movie that doesn't break any new ground but is certainly worth a look.
The Invention Of Lying: 69 Out Of 100 Stars
The title says it all when it comes to the premise of the film. Ricky Gervais lives in an alternate world where nobody has ever told a lie. Until.....
I enjoyed this movie more than I didn't, but it certainly felt like there was much more comedy left on the table than the finished product brought us. Oddly, I wasn't real keen on the early part of the film where it establishes that nobody lies, as the comedy sort of fell flat to me. Once the big moment happens there is a focus on religion and I've seen others lambast that part of the movie but really I didn't dislike it, it just sort of seemed unnecessary to the overall plot of the movie and what was the brightest part for me, the love story.
Once the pizza boxes are done with and we get to focus on the love story between Gervais and Garner I was smitten. I think Jennifer Garner, whom I've never had much fondness for, does a magnificent job opposite Ricky and really helps the last 30 minutes or so of the film get to a damn nice level.
Louis CK and Jonah Hill are solid, if underneeded in their roles as what amounts to straight men.
There are some good laughs and some tender moments and it's a film worth watching for sure, but for a movie that wants to be a story more than any specific type of genre movie, it's slightly askew.
Good film, I'm not lying.
I enjoyed this movie more than I didn't, but it certainly felt like there was much more comedy left on the table than the finished product brought us. Oddly, I wasn't real keen on the early part of the film where it establishes that nobody lies, as the comedy sort of fell flat to me. Once the big moment happens there is a focus on religion and I've seen others lambast that part of the movie but really I didn't dislike it, it just sort of seemed unnecessary to the overall plot of the movie and what was the brightest part for me, the love story.
Once the pizza boxes are done with and we get to focus on the love story between Gervais and Garner I was smitten. I think Jennifer Garner, whom I've never had much fondness for, does a magnificent job opposite Ricky and really helps the last 30 minutes or so of the film get to a damn nice level.
Louis CK and Jonah Hill are solid, if underneeded in their roles as what amounts to straight men.
There are some good laughs and some tender moments and it's a film worth watching for sure, but for a movie that wants to be a story more than any specific type of genre movie, it's slightly askew.
Good film, I'm not lying.
Monday, March 4, 2013
Pink Panther 2: 76 Out Of 100 Stars
Gave this one a higher rating than the original based on a few things. Firstly, the story is better. Secondly, the high spots here are much better than in the first one, imo. The wine rack scene comes to mind. I love shit like that.
The cast is also better. Subtract Beyonce and add Irons, Molina, Garcia and that piece of ass Indian chick? That's a win right there. And my god is that chick gorgeous. She gave my soul a boner with those eyes.
I did not like Kline being replaced by Cleese and there was a spot or two that was pretty dreadful, the kung fu fight with Renos kids comes to mind, but on a whole it's a much better story with a much better cast and the peaks are bigger in this one.
The cast is also better. Subtract Beyonce and add Irons, Molina, Garcia and that piece of ass Indian chick? That's a win right there. And my god is that chick gorgeous. She gave my soul a boner with those eyes.
I did not like Kline being replaced by Cleese and there was a spot or two that was pretty dreadful, the kung fu fight with Renos kids comes to mind, but on a whole it's a much better story with a much better cast and the peaks are bigger in this one.
Pink Panther: 66 Out Of 100 Stars
This would be the recent relaunch starring Steve Martin & Beyonce Knowles. It's a comedy and it made me laugh on a number of occasions thus it gets some props, but it has it's problems to be sure. Firstly the cast surrounding the case is pretty drab and either underutilized or unutilizable. Kristin Chenoworth not being given more to do is a crime, especially when Beyonce is all over this thing like turd in an outhouse.
All love has to go to Steve Martin though, who does a magnificent job of playing Clouseau, and his interactions with the super fine Emily Mortimor had me in stitches. There are one or two moments in the film where, as I had worried, a joke falling flat gave me douche chills, but whatever. The fact is that they pretty much went balls out and weren't afraid to try everything, so kudos to Martin & the script for that.
Kline, Mortimor and Reno as Closeaus inner circle were all fabulous.
So in summation, sub par story and and sub par Beyonce, who has maybe the woodenest reactionary laugh in movies today, but it's covered for nicely by a strong main cast and even though a lot of the jokes aren't home runs, they pack enough of them in to make for a comedic 90 minutes.
All love has to go to Steve Martin though, who does a magnificent job of playing Clouseau, and his interactions with the super fine Emily Mortimor had me in stitches. There are one or two moments in the film where, as I had worried, a joke falling flat gave me douche chills, but whatever. The fact is that they pretty much went balls out and weren't afraid to try everything, so kudos to Martin & the script for that.
Kline, Mortimor and Reno as Closeaus inner circle were all fabulous.
So in summation, sub par story and and sub par Beyonce, who has maybe the woodenest reactionary laugh in movies today, but it's covered for nicely by a strong main cast and even though a lot of the jokes aren't home runs, they pack enough of them in to make for a comedic 90 minutes.
Wonder Woman: 16 Out Of 100 Stars
This is the animated movie released last year. Now far be it from me to judge, but who the fuck watches this shit? I have no idea if this is indicative of the cartoon world but holy hell is this a cacophony of the abysmal.
It's clearly not for kids, but it's also far, far, far, far, too stupid to be for adults. I fucking hope.
The entire story, the dialogue, it's just.........god damn awful.
The entire time I'm watching this thing I'm thinking to myself, it's a cartoon, there are no limits on what you can do or how you can present your story, and you've clearly got some money to work with, and the best you can come up with is this shit? Look, I understand that the underlying story to Wonder Woman is the yin and yang between man and woman but this is some fucking 5th grade level shit going on here. Maybe that's who it appeals to, 20-35 year olds who haven't matured since they hit puberty. I dunno.
The script is shit, the battles are shit, there's no titillation, it's all just so cookie cutter.
Fuck man, when I watch 80 minutes of something Wonder Woman related and I don't even come close to popping wood then somebody done fucked it up.
It's clearly not for kids, but it's also far, far, far, far, too stupid to be for adults. I fucking hope.
The entire story, the dialogue, it's just.........god damn awful.
The entire time I'm watching this thing I'm thinking to myself, it's a cartoon, there are no limits on what you can do or how you can present your story, and you've clearly got some money to work with, and the best you can come up with is this shit? Look, I understand that the underlying story to Wonder Woman is the yin and yang between man and woman but this is some fucking 5th grade level shit going on here. Maybe that's who it appeals to, 20-35 year olds who haven't matured since they hit puberty. I dunno.
The script is shit, the battles are shit, there's no titillation, it's all just so cookie cutter.
Fuck man, when I watch 80 minutes of something Wonder Woman related and I don't even come close to popping wood then somebody done fucked it up.
The Cougar Club: 36 Out Of 100 Stars
When I saw that there was a movie about 2 friends, named Spence and Hogan, who start a club aimed at bedding older women, and the film also featured Kaley Cuoco and Chyna....yes Chyna. I had no choice but to watch it, despite its awful IMDB reviews.
Anyhoo, it's not quite as bad as all that, if you accept that there seemed to be very little effort on the part of the script. Yes it's dumber than a box of rocks, but the leads give effort and there are B listers galore to fill out the roster who also give it all they have. Joe Mantegna and Joe Polito for example.
The story, as I said, is rather simple and hacky. Spence and Hogan have just graduated Business school and have been given jobs at a local law firm thanks to Spence's dads connections. At the graduation party however, Hogans eye for aged flesh (in this case, Faye Dunaway. Yes Faye Dunaway) leads to trouble and leaves the pair scrambling to find another job.
They hook up with another law firm run by Mantegna and Polito and hilarity sort of ensues when they end up at a party with some older broads and devise a scheme to help hook up horny young dudes with old bitches on the prowl.
I wont lie and say I didn't laugh, but after the initial 20-30 minutes it gets really tiresome watching the same old jokes. And the image of Chyna recreating the refrigerator scene from 9 1/2 Weeks will be forever burned into my mind. There is a standout in the movie though. Jeremy Rowley as Karl, another assistant at the law firm, who likes to fuck office equipment, and later Chyna, amused me greatly.
But yeah, there's a ton of joke recycling, as almost every character seems to have been given a flash cards worth of jokes and has to use them throughout the film.
There is almost no nudity to speak of. Extras get their boobs out a few times but everyone who has sex barely removes their clothes whilst doing so, a real pet peeve of mine.
Cuoco is woefully underutilized as the clingy/bitchy girlfriend of one of the leads. Mo Collins is in this and while she of course doesn't get naked, she does look good all slutted up, so that's something.
No real need to join this club. Immature stoners probably need only apply for membership and even they wont be bowled over.
Anyhoo, it's not quite as bad as all that, if you accept that there seemed to be very little effort on the part of the script. Yes it's dumber than a box of rocks, but the leads give effort and there are B listers galore to fill out the roster who also give it all they have. Joe Mantegna and Joe Polito for example.
The story, as I said, is rather simple and hacky. Spence and Hogan have just graduated Business school and have been given jobs at a local law firm thanks to Spence's dads connections. At the graduation party however, Hogans eye for aged flesh (in this case, Faye Dunaway. Yes Faye Dunaway) leads to trouble and leaves the pair scrambling to find another job.
They hook up with another law firm run by Mantegna and Polito and hilarity sort of ensues when they end up at a party with some older broads and devise a scheme to help hook up horny young dudes with old bitches on the prowl.
I wont lie and say I didn't laugh, but after the initial 20-30 minutes it gets really tiresome watching the same old jokes. And the image of Chyna recreating the refrigerator scene from 9 1/2 Weeks will be forever burned into my mind. There is a standout in the movie though. Jeremy Rowley as Karl, another assistant at the law firm, who likes to fuck office equipment, and later Chyna, amused me greatly.
But yeah, there's a ton of joke recycling, as almost every character seems to have been given a flash cards worth of jokes and has to use them throughout the film.
There is almost no nudity to speak of. Extras get their boobs out a few times but everyone who has sex barely removes their clothes whilst doing so, a real pet peeve of mine.
Cuoco is woefully underutilized as the clingy/bitchy girlfriend of one of the leads. Mo Collins is in this and while she of course doesn't get naked, she does look good all slutted up, so that's something.
No real need to join this club. Immature stoners probably need only apply for membership and even they wont be bowled over.
The Fourth Kind: 75 Out Of 100 Stars
This is kind of a compromise rating as I think maybe it's a better movie than this, especially for the sort of lot who thought Paranormal Activity was the most frightening thing they've ever seen (faint praise, I know).
Bit of a condescending opening line there so let me qualify it. This is a pretty scary fucking movie. My problem was that aliens don't much frighten me and in a movie like this when you sort of feel what the conclusion is gonna be, maybe it loses a bit of the edge if the viewer doesn't believe or isn't affected.
That being said, this is movie that does the horror genre fucking proud. The lovely Milla plays a psychologist who has been interviewing people in Nome, Alaska and has stumbled upon some very dark things at play. Otherwordly things? The film leaves it up to you.
The trick the film uses, and I haven't looked it up to see if it's legit or not, but after the fact it doesn't really matter as it drew me in upon first viewing, is that from time to time they will use side by side footage of both the original video the film is based off and the actual film recreation. It's a very interesting technique that gives it a pretty spooky vibe.
Let's start at the beginning shall we?
Milla actually intros the film as herself and says that she's playing Dr. Abby Winters, a psychologist who's work in Nome led to a chain of rather horrific events and asks you, the viewer, to decide for yourself.
From there we're given a story that is much more about Abby herself than the trailers may have led you to believe. Her work has caused people to remember things they might have rather not remembered, leading to some very bad and frightening consequences.
Throughout the film we are shown actual footage of Abby being interviewed a few years after the movies time frame ends, and it's rather disturbing. The film definitely captures the aura of horror about as good as any movie in recent years.
So yeah, I won't spoil much more except to say that Will Patton as the towns sheriff is fucking aces and Milla does a good enough job although there are times when I felt she was a bit........not wooden, but just....not quite right? I don't know if she was the perfect candidate for a role like this but it's not like she's bad either.
Paranormal Activity piss you off? Turn out the lights and pop in The Fourth Kind, you'll find what you're looking for. And it will scare the shit out of you.
Bit of a condescending opening line there so let me qualify it. This is a pretty scary fucking movie. My problem was that aliens don't much frighten me and in a movie like this when you sort of feel what the conclusion is gonna be, maybe it loses a bit of the edge if the viewer doesn't believe or isn't affected.
That being said, this is movie that does the horror genre fucking proud. The lovely Milla plays a psychologist who has been interviewing people in Nome, Alaska and has stumbled upon some very dark things at play. Otherwordly things? The film leaves it up to you.
The trick the film uses, and I haven't looked it up to see if it's legit or not, but after the fact it doesn't really matter as it drew me in upon first viewing, is that from time to time they will use side by side footage of both the original video the film is based off and the actual film recreation. It's a very interesting technique that gives it a pretty spooky vibe.
Let's start at the beginning shall we?
Milla actually intros the film as herself and says that she's playing Dr. Abby Winters, a psychologist who's work in Nome led to a chain of rather horrific events and asks you, the viewer, to decide for yourself.
From there we're given a story that is much more about Abby herself than the trailers may have led you to believe. Her work has caused people to remember things they might have rather not remembered, leading to some very bad and frightening consequences.
Throughout the film we are shown actual footage of Abby being interviewed a few years after the movies time frame ends, and it's rather disturbing. The film definitely captures the aura of horror about as good as any movie in recent years.
So yeah, I won't spoil much more except to say that Will Patton as the towns sheriff is fucking aces and Milla does a good enough job although there are times when I felt she was a bit........not wooden, but just....not quite right? I don't know if she was the perfect candidate for a role like this but it's not like she's bad either.
Paranormal Activity piss you off? Turn out the lights and pop in The Fourth Kind, you'll find what you're looking for. And it will scare the shit out of you.
The Men Who Stare At Goats: 40 Out Of 100 Stars
I almost chickened out and gave this a perfectly average 50 rating. But ya know what? It's not a 50 star movie. It's below average, and no amount of me wanting it to be better than it is will fix that.
McGregor plays a reporter who finds about a top secret section of the military that deals with psychic powers, peace instead of war, and meditation and all that stuff. He travels to Iraq where he meets Clooney, who once served in that secret department and still may. From there they go on what the movie probably believes is an adventure, but the viewer will likely not be as agreeable.
It meanders. Nothing means much of anything. The point is anti climatic, the whole new age feel goodery is used to sport sight gags and one liners that while funny, don't add any sort of real depth to the movie.
In that same vein, every character is good enough and funny enough and off enough to be funny, but it never comes close to adding up to the sum of its parts. It's like they pitched 40 different scene ideas and just sort of crammed them into a film. It doesn't work as a film. In fact the film itself, and the narrative as a whole, detract from the individual scenes.
This is a real waste of a pretty fun idea and a damn good cast. Such a shame.
Staring at goats can be fun, but not for 90 minutes.
McGregor plays a reporter who finds about a top secret section of the military that deals with psychic powers, peace instead of war, and meditation and all that stuff. He travels to Iraq where he meets Clooney, who once served in that secret department and still may. From there they go on what the movie probably believes is an adventure, but the viewer will likely not be as agreeable.
It meanders. Nothing means much of anything. The point is anti climatic, the whole new age feel goodery is used to sport sight gags and one liners that while funny, don't add any sort of real depth to the movie.
In that same vein, every character is good enough and funny enough and off enough to be funny, but it never comes close to adding up to the sum of its parts. It's like they pitched 40 different scene ideas and just sort of crammed them into a film. It doesn't work as a film. In fact the film itself, and the narrative as a whole, detract from the individual scenes.
This is a real waste of a pretty fun idea and a damn good cast. Such a shame.
Staring at goats can be fun, but not for 90 minutes.
A Serious Man: 87 Out Of 100 Stars
Many people have called this the Coen Brothers most accessible film. And I think that's the wrong word. Most realistic maybe? Although it's still got their trademark cramming of the unbelievable in it, but I think really it's only accessible if you're willing to sit down and watch a movie so steeped in Judaism.
That's not meant as a bad thing because it's not like you'd imagine if I were to say to you "It's a movie about a Jewish dude and his faith and all the people who orbit him and their faith". I'm not sure I'd wanna watch that myself, based on the description. But you have to put your faith in the hands of the Coen Brothers. If you trust them, you'll have no problem with the film, because well, they're great at telling stories about things that may or may not be about those things. Man, I'm lost here.
That's not meant as a bad thing because it's not like you'd imagine if I were to say to you "It's a movie about a Jewish dude and his faith and all the people who orbit him and their faith". I'm not sure I'd wanna watch that myself, based on the description. But you have to put your faith in the hands of the Coen Brothers. If you trust them, you'll have no problem with the film, because well, they're great at telling stories about things that may or may not be about those things. Man, I'm lost here.
Up In The Air: 75 Out Of 100 Stars
Good? Yes. But to be honest it's just getting to be a tired genre. I mean, it's hard to develop tangible emotions over this stuff at this point.
Clooney is solid as usual, playing a man whose job it is to fly from town to town and fire people. When a young upstart comes into his company and convinces the big boss, played by Jason Bateman with a kind of frightening beard, to downsize and start doing the firings via teleconference, Clooney convinces him to have her go on the road with him so that she can see that this isn't the kind of job you can do over a computer.
It's all very good, but right from the get go when Clooneys character is established it's pretty clear the road the film is going to have him take. Guy without a home, distant with his family, lives city to city on a single suitcase. Do you think he'll have some sort of epiphany? Of course you do, cause that's what these movies are about.
So while point A to point Z are obvious, everything in between is well acted and written and fun. It's just that once you know point Z well maybe that takes a little out of the journey.
The only other thing that stands out is that the body double for his love interest has a sweet ass, on full display in a rather gratuitous, rather extended shot. But I aint complaining.
Up In The Air is a fun place to be, I suppose.
Clooney is solid as usual, playing a man whose job it is to fly from town to town and fire people. When a young upstart comes into his company and convinces the big boss, played by Jason Bateman with a kind of frightening beard, to downsize and start doing the firings via teleconference, Clooney convinces him to have her go on the road with him so that she can see that this isn't the kind of job you can do over a computer.
It's all very good, but right from the get go when Clooneys character is established it's pretty clear the road the film is going to have him take. Guy without a home, distant with his family, lives city to city on a single suitcase. Do you think he'll have some sort of epiphany? Of course you do, cause that's what these movies are about.
So while point A to point Z are obvious, everything in between is well acted and written and fun. It's just that once you know point Z well maybe that takes a little out of the journey.
The only other thing that stands out is that the body double for his love interest has a sweet ass, on full display in a rather gratuitous, rather extended shot. But I aint complaining.
Up In The Air is a fun place to be, I suppose.
Big Fan: 67 Out Of 100 Stars
This is a situation where I think I could rate this film anywhere from 10-20 points higher, but in good conscience I just can't. And it's not because the film lacks in anything, in fact I think it does what it wants to do almost perfectly. The problem for me was that it's just so hard to watch something filled with so much despair. I won't go so far as to say the movie was a chore to watch, but for certain watching someone so inept and just slovenly sad and pathetic as Oswalts titular character becomes rough after awhile.
It will almost surely not happen, but Oswalt deserves an Oscar nomination. This is as good a performance as I've seen in a film in a long, long time. I mean, it was uncomfortable watching him but I guess that's the point.
The film is visually dark and clearly fairly low budget but it plays fine and given most of the settings, those restraints add to the ambiance.
A lot of people don't seem to like to the last act of the film but I enjoyed it. What he does, in retrospect, is pretty much in line with what we ought to expect from him, even though the film would like us to think it's going to a very dark place. The man isn't as much crazy as he is sad.
So yeah, I wouldn't say I'm a Big Fan, but I think most people will enjoy this movie and to those who are heaping higher praise on it, I can't say I disagree.
It will almost surely not happen, but Oswalt deserves an Oscar nomination. This is as good a performance as I've seen in a film in a long, long time. I mean, it was uncomfortable watching him but I guess that's the point.
The film is visually dark and clearly fairly low budget but it plays fine and given most of the settings, those restraints add to the ambiance.
A lot of people don't seem to like to the last act of the film but I enjoyed it. What he does, in retrospect, is pretty much in line with what we ought to expect from him, even though the film would like us to think it's going to a very dark place. The man isn't as much crazy as he is sad.
So yeah, I wouldn't say I'm a Big Fan, but I think most people will enjoy this movie and to those who are heaping higher praise on it, I can't say I disagree.
The Man From Earth: 70 Out Of 100 Stars
Little Dialogue driven film based on a play of the same name that at the very least is fairly interesting most of the time.
The premise is simple, a teacher who has just resigned invites a few of his colleagues over to say goodbye and drops a bit of a bombshell which I shant spoil.
Now then, the whole film is set pretty much in a single room except for a few excursions to another room or to outside. The cast is only 7 deep, and as I said in the beginning, plays sort of like a play but transfers to the screen pretty well.
The whole cast is fairly strong except for what I thought was a pretty bad ending, not in concept so much as execution on both the actors and the scripts part, but the idea was good enough that it didn't bother me much.
Being a dialogue driven film is really fucking hard, it's so easy to lose the viewer in a movie like this because when the dialogue starts to stray and you start to lose interest, it isn't like there's an action scene, a joke or an alien explosion coming to get you back into the flow. This film has a couple of slow moments but the subject matter is so fascinating that I think most people will be willing to tough it out thru those stretches.
All in all we've got a solid little movie for the brain, whose shortcomings are more than made up for by it's originality and ability to interest the viewer.
You'll enjoy spending some time with The Man From Earth.
The premise is simple, a teacher who has just resigned invites a few of his colleagues over to say goodbye and drops a bit of a bombshell which I shant spoil.
Now then, the whole film is set pretty much in a single room except for a few excursions to another room or to outside. The cast is only 7 deep, and as I said in the beginning, plays sort of like a play but transfers to the screen pretty well.
The whole cast is fairly strong except for what I thought was a pretty bad ending, not in concept so much as execution on both the actors and the scripts part, but the idea was good enough that it didn't bother me much.
Being a dialogue driven film is really fucking hard, it's so easy to lose the viewer in a movie like this because when the dialogue starts to stray and you start to lose interest, it isn't like there's an action scene, a joke or an alien explosion coming to get you back into the flow. This film has a couple of slow moments but the subject matter is so fascinating that I think most people will be willing to tough it out thru those stretches.
All in all we've got a solid little movie for the brain, whose shortcomings are more than made up for by it's originality and ability to interest the viewer.
You'll enjoy spending some time with The Man From Earth.
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