2010 Horror Fest: Predators: 29 Out Of 100 Stars

So when I heard that Bobby Rodriguez was making a Predator movie, I tinkled myself a little bit. Dude has a flair for action and is more than a competent movie maker. Having just watched it, I'm left to wonder what the fuck went wrong.

First off, we have these characters who are all supposed to be skilled killers in one form or another, yet there is very little actual fighting that feels like it means anything. We get a lot of talking about shit, a lot of walking through the forest, but fuck, nobody ever does much of anything special through the films first 90 minutes. When we are finally given a cool showdown between one of the dudes and a predator, what happens? It ends in a fucking draw, yay.

There are two characters in the movie worth a shit, and surprisingly enough they're played by the only two actors who seem capable of understanding what it seemed like the script, at some point, was trying to do. Brody comes across as a legit bad ass, which I never thought I'd be able to say, but god damn if he isn't begging to be surrounded by a better movie. He puts his heart into this fucker. Topher Grace is also outstanding and would have been served better by a script that utilized his character better.

Besides all this, we struggle through 45 minutes of setup only to be interrupted by fat Laurence Fishburne, looking he's been in club med eating fried chicken for 5 years instead of fighting for survival.

Then we have the god damn ridiculous Big Predator vs Little Predator storyline that just adds to muddy the waters needlessly.

So yeah, what we end up with is a movie that seemed like it had some life in the development stage with Brody and Graces characters, got dumbed down with 100 little plot points that didn't need to be, and threw in a gaggle of extra characters who had zero attention payed to them. Just an utter let down of a movie.

And lastly the action, or complete lack of action. Who gives a fuck if any of these people get killed? And if they are gonna get killed, make it fucking cool. As alluded to earlier, there's this pretty awesome scene where the Asian dude fights a predator one on one, and I was into it, and then comes the moment where you aren't sure who won, and you realize the predator is dead and you cheer, then you realize the Asian dude is dead too, and you're like "fuck man, that is so weak". Just fuck off already man, just fuck off.

Predators is not only not good, it's the worst fucking movie in the franchise.