I was so excited to start the 2010 Monster Movie Mayhem. I had my turkey hoagie, my sour cream & onion potato chips, I was high as a pretty kite, and I had this little diddy entitled House Of Bones ready to go. Then I got the cinematic equivalent of ass rape.
House Of Bones is a dreadful shit fest "starring" Charisma Carpenter, about.....well, I guess it's about a house that's alive. Or a lot of land that's alive. Or a particular zoning area that's alive. Whenever something needs to be alive for the purposes of the cum stained script, it's alive.
The premise is that a TV show, not unlike Ghost Hunters, is going to film in this old house. The entire crew consists of a couple of dudes and a just hired psychic, played by Carpenter, in a tour de force of walking around aimlessly and looking for all the world like she fully realizes she's Charisma Carpenter and this is where her career has ended up.
I goof, but really she's the least of this films troubles.
I'm trying to think of way to describe how utterly boring this fucking movie was. I can't do it. Fuck.
The walls try and eat stuff, weather veins spin around and pierce people, radios turn on and off. The producer walks us through an idiotic back story about some dude in the 1700's burying people in the walls in order to feed the houses psychic energy, which of course the others find completely plausible.
Blah, blah, blah they can't get out of the house, they keep having visions, how will they escape, where did I leave my pipe, how quick can i get high and forget this shit, the questions are endless.
There's an unfunny funny side story surrounding the "host" of the show, a true Hollywood A-Lister who arrives at the haunted house via taxi cab carrying his own luggage.
It's visually competent, so there ya go. None of actors have much presence but they aren't bad per se, there's just nothing that could have been done with this script.
A moronic, lethargic, meandering excursion through horror film cliches that has no actual antagonist, but has a lot of fucking furniture. The House Of Bones is a House Of Bores.
No comments:
Post a Comment