About 5 minute into Bastards I suddenly remembered why I love Quentin Tarantino so much. The way he shoots a scene, the dialog he uses, the way his shots are framed. He takes a simple conversation built around a tense situation, but lets the simplest actions and words drive the suspense. Words are to his films as Action is to Crank. It is indeed glorious.
Brad Pitt plays the commanding officer of a group, of whose only mission is to kill Nazis. Not just kill them, but instill the fear of god in them. He demands from each man in his unit 100 Nazi scalps. And it's likely he gets them. Maybe my lone complaint with the film is that this part of the movie doesn't get quite enough time, especially at just over 2 and a half hours it doesn't quite feel like we've gotten all the bang we could of gotten out Pitt and his merry men. But that really is a minor complaint.
The other arc of the film revolves around a young Jewish girl who escapes the grasps of the movies villain, a man known as The Jew Hunter, early in the film, and settles into a nice life for herself. That is until the film, like most of Tarantinos works, comes full circle in the closing act.
Christopher Waltz as The Jew Hunter is just remarkable and will surely be nominated for an Oscar. He does very little, if any, actual killing. But every scene in which he appears, he owns with his mannerisms and words and delivers an unbelievable tension too. Most of the time he's playing for laughs but always with a heinous underbelly that we know is lurking. He's simply awesome.
Roger Eberts review mentioned that almost every character in the movie comes so close to bordering on a cartoony caricature but never quite crosses that line and he's right. The film pushes everything to the edge but never steps over it. The music, the narration, the tones of the film are all dead on.
Hanging out with a bunch of Bastards has never been more fun.
Friday, January 25, 2013
Moon: 80 Out Of 100 Stars
Sometimes I feel like an overly negative person. I sat down to write a review of a movie I really loved, and the first things I think to do are point out what I didn't like. But that's neither here nor there I suppose. This is a really good movie.
Set in the not too distant future, the moon is being harvested for a mineral that provides much of earths energy. The only problem, on the surface, is that it's being done so by a private company.
Sam Rockwell stars, and I do mean stars. Outside of a few snippets here and there, he's the only one in the movie, except for Kevin Spaceys voice as that of Gerty The Robot, but I'll get into that in a few moments.
Rockwell is astounding carrying the film. I shant give out any spoilers but he is really on top of his game here. He plays the lone worker on a moon base where he oversees the mining operation that is mostly automated. Each worker signs a 3 year contract and his time on the Moon is coming to an end and he's ready to go home. There are such subtle nuances to his performance as the story unfolds, that even though it is a pretty slow film I still want to go back and rewatch certain scenes. In a perfect world this would be an Oscar nomination worthy performance. But we don't live in that world. There is a particular scene late in the film where his reactions absolutely brought me to tears.
Now on to Spacey. Yes he's just a voice, but the work he does with just his inflections and his obvious caring for the man he's programed to protect is just awesome. Gertys emotions are displayed by way of a smiley face graphic that changed when his mood does, and again there's a stomach punch moment later in the film when he displays his feelings toward Rockwells character.
I'll admit that it took me awhile to get into the film. It starts out pretty slow and even when a fairly big plot point occurs, Rockwell doesn't overplay it. Why? Because his character knows what's happening even if the viewer isn't quite sure yet. At first it was a little frustrating, but slowly and surely the script lets us know what we need to know and it works quite well.
Under publicized and under appreciated, The Moon is great place to spend an evening.
Set in the not too distant future, the moon is being harvested for a mineral that provides much of earths energy. The only problem, on the surface, is that it's being done so by a private company.
Sam Rockwell stars, and I do mean stars. Outside of a few snippets here and there, he's the only one in the movie, except for Kevin Spaceys voice as that of Gerty The Robot, but I'll get into that in a few moments.
Rockwell is astounding carrying the film. I shant give out any spoilers but he is really on top of his game here. He plays the lone worker on a moon base where he oversees the mining operation that is mostly automated. Each worker signs a 3 year contract and his time on the Moon is coming to an end and he's ready to go home. There are such subtle nuances to his performance as the story unfolds, that even though it is a pretty slow film I still want to go back and rewatch certain scenes. In a perfect world this would be an Oscar nomination worthy performance. But we don't live in that world. There is a particular scene late in the film where his reactions absolutely brought me to tears.
Now on to Spacey. Yes he's just a voice, but the work he does with just his inflections and his obvious caring for the man he's programed to protect is just awesome. Gertys emotions are displayed by way of a smiley face graphic that changed when his mood does, and again there's a stomach punch moment later in the film when he displays his feelings toward Rockwells character.
I'll admit that it took me awhile to get into the film. It starts out pretty slow and even when a fairly big plot point occurs, Rockwell doesn't overplay it. Why? Because his character knows what's happening even if the viewer isn't quite sure yet. At first it was a little frustrating, but slowly and surely the script lets us know what we need to know and it works quite well.
Under publicized and under appreciated, The Moon is great place to spend an evening.
Zombieland: 72 Out Of 100 Stars
Ever see a really good movie but you still end up feeling a bit underwhelmed? That's pretty much how I felt after watching Zombieland. Maybe I'm desensitized to the genre or maybe I was expecting something truly epic and I'm just being unfair, I dunno.
To be fair, there are a ton of great lines, and the film is very funny. Maybe in a better heads pace I would have had a raucous time. The cameo is fucking hilarious. I just can't help but feel like I was watching pieces of something that in a more ambitious project could gave been something more than just "a lot of fun".
I also need to say that while I wasn't overly annoyed by him, Jess Eisenberg playing Michael Cera bothered me more than Michael Cera playing Michael Cera ever has.
So there ya go. A fun zombie movie with some great comedy and cool kills that you can bump up about 10-15 points if that's all you're looking for. I was expecting a little more though.
To be fair, there are a ton of great lines, and the film is very funny. Maybe in a better heads pace I would have had a raucous time. The cameo is fucking hilarious. I just can't help but feel like I was watching pieces of something that in a more ambitious project could gave been something more than just "a lot of fun".
I also need to say that while I wasn't overly annoyed by him, Jess Eisenberg playing Michael Cera bothered me more than Michael Cera playing Michael Cera ever has.
So there ya go. A fun zombie movie with some great comedy and cool kills that you can bump up about 10-15 points if that's all you're looking for. I was expecting a little more though.
A Perfect Getaway: 83 Out Of 100 Stars
What a super fun movie that understands what movies should be and how audiences have been trained by formula cinema to react to them.
Steve Zahn and Mila Jovovich are a honeymooning couple who set out on a secluded Hawaiin hike. Along the way they receive word from other hikers about a brutal murder on another island and of course become weary of everyone they meet along the way, including the couple played by Timothy Olyphant and Kiele Sanchez.
The film seamlessly moves between drama and comedy as the screenplay has a ton of fun with in references and movie cliches. Olyphant in particular steals the show as someone who may be a killer, kook, special op, or all 3. When Zahn tells him he's a screenwriter, Olyphant and the script go wild with hints and genre in jokes that are almost a wink to the audience, and it works wonderfully.
I've seen a lot of reviews and RottenTomatos has this at like a 55%, which I just don't get. Even the favorable reviews are grudging, most of them labeling this as a fun B Movie. Fuck that, this is just a great fuckin movie.
The first two acts are a fun setup to the action packed third act where Zahn, and I'm not the biggest Steve Zahn fan, really shines.
If you want to have a fun time at the movies, rent A Perfect Getaway tonight.
Steve Zahn and Mila Jovovich are a honeymooning couple who set out on a secluded Hawaiin hike. Along the way they receive word from other hikers about a brutal murder on another island and of course become weary of everyone they meet along the way, including the couple played by Timothy Olyphant and Kiele Sanchez.
The film seamlessly moves between drama and comedy as the screenplay has a ton of fun with in references and movie cliches. Olyphant in particular steals the show as someone who may be a killer, kook, special op, or all 3. When Zahn tells him he's a screenwriter, Olyphant and the script go wild with hints and genre in jokes that are almost a wink to the audience, and it works wonderfully.
I've seen a lot of reviews and RottenTomatos has this at like a 55%, which I just don't get. Even the favorable reviews are grudging, most of them labeling this as a fun B Movie. Fuck that, this is just a great fuckin movie.
The first two acts are a fun setup to the action packed third act where Zahn, and I'm not the biggest Steve Zahn fan, really shines.
If you want to have a fun time at the movies, rent A Perfect Getaway tonight.
Adventureland: 62 Out Of 100 Stars
To paraphrase Dave Atell, "Look at all the trouble these people went through to bore me".
Ok, so why am I giving this a 62 instead of say a 42? Well because it's a fine enough movie I suppose. I chuckled a few times and the story is straight and true and well acted and all those things that make for a solid foundation. But god damn it man, it's long and it goes almost exactly how you would expect it to go and everything happens in tiny pieces and small slivers and it inches along and it's over, and ok that was what it was, and there is nothing adventurous going on here.
Story of a guy and a girl and some satellite guys and girls and there's talking, and they do stuff, and Kristin Stewart is a fucking piece of pre goth goth ass, but nothing about this film excited me, ya know?
My main problem with the movie is that it doesn't feel like much of anything outside of the main love story. It's supposed to be set in 1987, and although we get some music from that era and some talk from that era, it never really gives off an 80's vibe, ya know? And I was excited going in about that potential vibe cause I fuckin love the 80's, but it never comes. That's not to say that there isn't alot of pure 80's stuff in it, but man, a movie has to have a vibe, and this movie has almost no vibe at all. I mean fuck, my favorite band ever has songs placed prominently at the begging and end of the film and I had almost zero reaction.
Anyway, the acting is fine, the story is fine, everything is fine, but it's not anything special. So there ya go.
Ok, so why am I giving this a 62 instead of say a 42? Well because it's a fine enough movie I suppose. I chuckled a few times and the story is straight and true and well acted and all those things that make for a solid foundation. But god damn it man, it's long and it goes almost exactly how you would expect it to go and everything happens in tiny pieces and small slivers and it inches along and it's over, and ok that was what it was, and there is nothing adventurous going on here.
Story of a guy and a girl and some satellite guys and girls and there's talking, and they do stuff, and Kristin Stewart is a fucking piece of pre goth goth ass, but nothing about this film excited me, ya know?
My main problem with the movie is that it doesn't feel like much of anything outside of the main love story. It's supposed to be set in 1987, and although we get some music from that era and some talk from that era, it never really gives off an 80's vibe, ya know? And I was excited going in about that potential vibe cause I fuckin love the 80's, but it never comes. That's not to say that there isn't alot of pure 80's stuff in it, but man, a movie has to have a vibe, and this movie has almost no vibe at all. I mean fuck, my favorite band ever has songs placed prominently at the begging and end of the film and I had almost zero reaction.
Anyway, the acting is fine, the story is fine, everything is fine, but it's not anything special. So there ya go.
Larry The Cable Guy, Health Inspector: 67 Out Of 100 Stars
Ok, so no Larry The Cable Guy film is ever gonna be a superior work of art, but when it comes to these movies my criteria is pretty much based on one thing, is it fun to watch? And yeah man, this is a fun movie.
The story is of course pretty ridiculous, but I was reminded of my feelings of another Larry movie, Delta Farce. I remember thinking that it was almost a perfect 80's comedy and this is pretty well the same thing.
Cliches abound, but when the film isn't taking itself serious at all they tend to add to the humor rather than detract. So Larry is a redneck working as a health inspector and he tends to cause havoc despite doing a damn good job, so his boss hooks him up with a by the numbers partner to help reign him in. Think Lethal Weapon on food court duty.
There is of course mischief in town, when the finest restaurants start having trouble with their food being poisoned and Larry and his boyish female partner have to figure out what's going on before the big city wide cooking contest. Yeah, it's dumb, but it's fun dumb.
Anyway, the hot chick who played Donald Logues wife on that show is in it, Lisa Lampenelli is pretty funny as said womans mom, and Tony Hale is a bit underutilized as a wheelchair bound health inspector, but Larry has a trunk full of one liners and sight gags and while some miss, there are a lot that just had me bursting with laughter. There is also something to be said for a movie that can be super crude and not drop the F bomb all the time.
Just a fun flashback to an earlier time where you could make poop and fart and boob and testicle jokes and do it in a way that makes it accessible for any age.
So yeah, don't be afraid of this because of what you think it is. Take it from me, the 12 year old in you will have a blast.
The story is of course pretty ridiculous, but I was reminded of my feelings of another Larry movie, Delta Farce. I remember thinking that it was almost a perfect 80's comedy and this is pretty well the same thing.
Cliches abound, but when the film isn't taking itself serious at all they tend to add to the humor rather than detract. So Larry is a redneck working as a health inspector and he tends to cause havoc despite doing a damn good job, so his boss hooks him up with a by the numbers partner to help reign him in. Think Lethal Weapon on food court duty.
There is of course mischief in town, when the finest restaurants start having trouble with their food being poisoned and Larry and his boyish female partner have to figure out what's going on before the big city wide cooking contest. Yeah, it's dumb, but it's fun dumb.
Anyway, the hot chick who played Donald Logues wife on that show is in it, Lisa Lampenelli is pretty funny as said womans mom, and Tony Hale is a bit underutilized as a wheelchair bound health inspector, but Larry has a trunk full of one liners and sight gags and while some miss, there are a lot that just had me bursting with laughter. There is also something to be said for a movie that can be super crude and not drop the F bomb all the time.
Just a fun flashback to an earlier time where you could make poop and fart and boob and testicle jokes and do it in a way that makes it accessible for any age.
So yeah, don't be afraid of this because of what you think it is. Take it from me, the 12 year old in you will have a blast.
C.S.A.: The Confederate States Of America: 24 Out Of 100 Stars
Going in I knew that this was a fake documentary, set today, detailing the years since the South won the Civil War.
Sounds like a pretty good setup for a funny and/or interesting film. Unfortunately it's neither, and if you have half a brain it doesn't really present any sort of deep social message either. It's pretty much an underwhelming mess.
The big problems with the film are that it doesn't really feel like a documentary and that instead of coming up with a unique timeline, they pretty much rip off all the major events of the 20th century and just turn them around to fit the film. For instance, the Berlin Wall becomes the Canadian Wall, December 7th becomes the day we bomb the Japanese, Kennedy gets shot because he wants to free the slaves. It just feels like the filmmakers take the easy way out by relying on real events instead of really trying to create something from scratch.
Presented as a British Documentary airing on a San Fransisco television station, the movie starts off in rather absurd fashion detailing how an on the run, deposed President Lincoln is traveling with Harriet Tubman and gets captured by Southern Soldiers. Lincoln of course is in black face to try and hide. It just comes across as silly and sets a bad tone for the film right out of the blocks.
From there a rather silly and contrived re visioning of American history begins, the biggest problem of which is that it goes from silliness, all the Jews were relocated to Long Island for instance, to trying to be serious and deep. It fails both ways.
Another major issue is that the faux documentary only has 2 real speakers, a black lady and a white professor, both of course with an extreme point of view. Again, the easy way out.
A lot of times the movie loses it's way trying to be as extreme as possible, such as in the long segment where the CSA goes to war with all of South America in an attempt to enslave more people, the most ridiculous segment of which has a Latin man talking of being forced to eat ham hocks and pigs feet as a way to indoctrinate Mexicans. It just comes across as so very stupid.
Perhaps the best part of the film, which borders on being nearly funny, are the commercials spliced throughout the documentary. Since modern America still has slaves, almost all the commercials are blatantly racist. Electronic shackles to keep your boy from running, jigaboo motor oil and toothpaste, etc etc. Of course in the end the film beats us over the head with these ads by showing us that most of these products existed at one time, as if it's a revelation that America was and is a racist country, like the audience are children.
Anyway, we sympathize and encourage Hitler, all our great artists go to Canada, African leaders, even in the mid 1900's are still sending us slaves, and on and on.
Much of the film is centered around the fictional Fauntroy family, a made up Kennedyesque clan who are sort of CSA political royalty and there's a big sequence at the end that I guess is supposed to make the viewer react in some way but it's just so badly constructed and played out that I couldn't give a damn.
In summation, this is a film that is pretty much just a boring 90 minutes, made all the worse by the fact that it's such a marvelous premise being wasted minute by awkward and underwhelming minute.
Sounds like a pretty good setup for a funny and/or interesting film. Unfortunately it's neither, and if you have half a brain it doesn't really present any sort of deep social message either. It's pretty much an underwhelming mess.
The big problems with the film are that it doesn't really feel like a documentary and that instead of coming up with a unique timeline, they pretty much rip off all the major events of the 20th century and just turn them around to fit the film. For instance, the Berlin Wall becomes the Canadian Wall, December 7th becomes the day we bomb the Japanese, Kennedy gets shot because he wants to free the slaves. It just feels like the filmmakers take the easy way out by relying on real events instead of really trying to create something from scratch.
Presented as a British Documentary airing on a San Fransisco television station, the movie starts off in rather absurd fashion detailing how an on the run, deposed President Lincoln is traveling with Harriet Tubman and gets captured by Southern Soldiers. Lincoln of course is in black face to try and hide. It just comes across as silly and sets a bad tone for the film right out of the blocks.
From there a rather silly and contrived re visioning of American history begins, the biggest problem of which is that it goes from silliness, all the Jews were relocated to Long Island for instance, to trying to be serious and deep. It fails both ways.
Another major issue is that the faux documentary only has 2 real speakers, a black lady and a white professor, both of course with an extreme point of view. Again, the easy way out.
A lot of times the movie loses it's way trying to be as extreme as possible, such as in the long segment where the CSA goes to war with all of South America in an attempt to enslave more people, the most ridiculous segment of which has a Latin man talking of being forced to eat ham hocks and pigs feet as a way to indoctrinate Mexicans. It just comes across as so very stupid.
Perhaps the best part of the film, which borders on being nearly funny, are the commercials spliced throughout the documentary. Since modern America still has slaves, almost all the commercials are blatantly racist. Electronic shackles to keep your boy from running, jigaboo motor oil and toothpaste, etc etc. Of course in the end the film beats us over the head with these ads by showing us that most of these products existed at one time, as if it's a revelation that America was and is a racist country, like the audience are children.
Anyway, we sympathize and encourage Hitler, all our great artists go to Canada, African leaders, even in the mid 1900's are still sending us slaves, and on and on.
Much of the film is centered around the fictional Fauntroy family, a made up Kennedyesque clan who are sort of CSA political royalty and there's a big sequence at the end that I guess is supposed to make the viewer react in some way but it's just so badly constructed and played out that I couldn't give a damn.
In summation, this is a film that is pretty much just a boring 90 minutes, made all the worse by the fact that it's such a marvelous premise being wasted minute by awkward and underwhelming minute.
Sex Pot: 57 Out Of 100 Stars
From the folks at The Asylum, the same company that produced such mockbusters as Snakes On A Train and Transmorphers, comes a sex comedy that you'll probably want to turn off and burn after about 15 minutes, but if you stay with it you just may end up having some fun.
The story revolves around two teenage buddies, of course, who are undersexed and over stupid. Spanky is staying with Mert at Merts older brothers house for the weekend. Merts brother, who is out of town, of course has a huge supply of weed and a large porno collection, a lot of which are homemade movies made by his psycho ex girlfriend.
As I said, for the first 15 minutes or so Spanky and Mert act like the most exaggerated sex comedy characters imaginable, high fiving each other over finding beer and talking about sex the way 10 year olds might.
The first few scenes are really asinine and almost made me turn the movie off, including fucking of foods and jerking off on a ledge while watching a woman undress, the woman of course then sits down on the toilet and takes a dump, but being on the ledge the boys are forced to hear the sounds of bowel movement in G minor.
Anyway, looking thru a DVD case they find a large amount of weird weed and an instruction DVD that tells them that this weed is a specially blended aphrodisiac. The neighbor girls they've been spying on invite them to a party and that's when things sort of pick up.
Freed from the confines of the apartment and a limited amount of material, the boys venture out on a journey to the party. Along the way they deal with various other characters who help give the movie some comedic steam, including a pair of hookers, various teenagers at a birthday party for a foul mouthed child and a bevy of pretty hot naked chicks.
Make no mistake about it, the film is dumber than a box of paper bags, but a good number of the jokes work on the level they're intended, or are so stupid that they're funny in that regard as well.
There's a ton of gratuitous nudity and more dick, cunt, and shit humor than you can imagine, but for the last hour or so it certainly wasn't boring. I want to add that there's an actress in this movie by the name of Michelle Penick who absolutely melted my heart both with her cute hotness and her comedic timing. Actually a lot of the auxiliary characters in this movie were pretty good.
I'm having a hard time believing that I'm actually giving this an above average rating because, well.....I mean, it's a shitty fucking movie, but if the goal is to laugh then I think I laughed with or at this movie enough in the 90 minutes it played to be fair to it and give it this rating.
So there ya go, not anything on the level of a really good comedy but not the drizzling shits it appears to be either. It's worth a look.
The story revolves around two teenage buddies, of course, who are undersexed and over stupid. Spanky is staying with Mert at Merts older brothers house for the weekend. Merts brother, who is out of town, of course has a huge supply of weed and a large porno collection, a lot of which are homemade movies made by his psycho ex girlfriend.
As I said, for the first 15 minutes or so Spanky and Mert act like the most exaggerated sex comedy characters imaginable, high fiving each other over finding beer and talking about sex the way 10 year olds might.
The first few scenes are really asinine and almost made me turn the movie off, including fucking of foods and jerking off on a ledge while watching a woman undress, the woman of course then sits down on the toilet and takes a dump, but being on the ledge the boys are forced to hear the sounds of bowel movement in G minor.
Anyway, looking thru a DVD case they find a large amount of weird weed and an instruction DVD that tells them that this weed is a specially blended aphrodisiac. The neighbor girls they've been spying on invite them to a party and that's when things sort of pick up.
Freed from the confines of the apartment and a limited amount of material, the boys venture out on a journey to the party. Along the way they deal with various other characters who help give the movie some comedic steam, including a pair of hookers, various teenagers at a birthday party for a foul mouthed child and a bevy of pretty hot naked chicks.
Make no mistake about it, the film is dumber than a box of paper bags, but a good number of the jokes work on the level they're intended, or are so stupid that they're funny in that regard as well.
There's a ton of gratuitous nudity and more dick, cunt, and shit humor than you can imagine, but for the last hour or so it certainly wasn't boring. I want to add that there's an actress in this movie by the name of Michelle Penick who absolutely melted my heart both with her cute hotness and her comedic timing. Actually a lot of the auxiliary characters in this movie were pretty good.
I'm having a hard time believing that I'm actually giving this an above average rating because, well.....I mean, it's a shitty fucking movie, but if the goal is to laugh then I think I laughed with or at this movie enough in the 90 minutes it played to be fair to it and give it this rating.
So there ya go, not anything on the level of a really good comedy but not the drizzling shits it appears to be either. It's worth a look.
District 9: 74 Out Of 100 Stars
Odd reaction I had once I finished watching District 9. In retrospect I liked it less, or maybe appreciated it less is the right word. Allow me to elaborate.
It's a fun film. A very fun film as a matter of fact. You root, you jump, you say "holy shit, that dude just exploded". Now, that made for an awesome viewing experience and I won't or can't take that away from the film, and I highly recommend that everyone see this movie. There is a but coming though.
But. Is this a great movie or a classic Sci-Fi movie as I've seen people write? I don't think it is. To me classic Sci-Fi, and great movies, have the ability to create new worlds and allow for lasting rewatchability. I don't think District 9 has either.
As original as the movie is on the surface, it's really a story of 2 dudes fighting against something. It's done with a fresh coat of paint, and the explosions and kills and weaponry in the film are all kinds of awesome, but what is there below the surface? Looking back on it, I don't think there's a whole lot.
I guess part of my problem in looking back, is that the very idea is a bit far fetched. I don't mind far fetched in a movie set in fantasy, obviously something like Alien is farfetched but it exists in it's time and space. Here we're supposed to accept from the beginning that Aliens arrive, are put into shanty towns and live amongst us. It really is a silly premise when you look at it. Original yes, but still silly and that hurt my initial enjoyment of the film. Of course when the action kicks in it really is a joyous watch.
Anyway, I don't wanna run down the movie or fill it with spoilers but suffice to say it's a hell of a fun watch, but more in the way Shoot Em Up is than Blade Runner is.
It's a fun film. A very fun film as a matter of fact. You root, you jump, you say "holy shit, that dude just exploded". Now, that made for an awesome viewing experience and I won't or can't take that away from the film, and I highly recommend that everyone see this movie. There is a but coming though.
But. Is this a great movie or a classic Sci-Fi movie as I've seen people write? I don't think it is. To me classic Sci-Fi, and great movies, have the ability to create new worlds and allow for lasting rewatchability. I don't think District 9 has either.
As original as the movie is on the surface, it's really a story of 2 dudes fighting against something. It's done with a fresh coat of paint, and the explosions and kills and weaponry in the film are all kinds of awesome, but what is there below the surface? Looking back on it, I don't think there's a whole lot.
I guess part of my problem in looking back, is that the very idea is a bit far fetched. I don't mind far fetched in a movie set in fantasy, obviously something like Alien is farfetched but it exists in it's time and space. Here we're supposed to accept from the beginning that Aliens arrive, are put into shanty towns and live amongst us. It really is a silly premise when you look at it. Original yes, but still silly and that hurt my initial enjoyment of the film. Of course when the action kicks in it really is a joyous watch.
Anyway, I don't wanna run down the movie or fill it with spoilers but suffice to say it's a hell of a fun watch, but more in the way Shoot Em Up is than Blade Runner is.
The Room: 100 Out Of 100 Stars
Tommy Wiseau. It's not a name you're likely familiar with. And yet he may be the most brilliant man in Hollywood. He may also be the worst actor/director/writer this side of the folks who brought you Date Movie.
To explain what The Room is, is like trying to explain the vast scientific workings of the Universe to a 3 year old. It can't be done. Is it a comedy? Is it a drama? Is it real? Is it a work? I don't know. And I don't really want to know. Much like the Universe, I just want to bathe in it's existence and let it envelop me.
Two things are certain. It's a movie, and it's about 90 minutes long. After that, all bets are off.
The body of my review shall start by simply stating that The Room, as it stands, is a horrible movie. Maybe the worst movie ever made. But of all the low rent, atrocious, disturbingly detached from reality movies I've seen (and I've seen most of them), The Room stands head and shoulders above all of those in the glory of it's wretchedness.
It's so preposterously awful that many speculate that it had to be intended to be such. The very idea that a human being capable of making a movie, which while not rocket surgery, surely takes some ability and humanesque qualities to achieve, could produce something so egregiously bad, is a little hard to believe. The fact of the matter is that the laughs, when you think about them, play perfectly as jokes. They are constructed perfectly for derision and play sweetly into the hands of absurdity. On the other hand the dude could just be mildly retarded.
I'll tell you a scant few things about the film because if you're going to see it, it's best to know as little as possible going in. Not about the story, but about the flaws. The story itself is rather simple. It's a love triangle. Or maybe a love quadruple. Or possibly a love Octagon. The fact of the matter is that everyone loves Lisa.
The entire movie is pretty much played out in a single room, or an a roof with a green screened background. There are softcore love scenes that play out as if a Hungarian watched Cinemax, thought it was the most romantic thing he ever saw and tried to recreate it. There are non stop laughs. Onscreen. Everybody laughs. At everything. Things that one would assume are integral to the story are brought up and then never mentioned again. Emotions are on full display. Love, happiness, hate, admiration and angst are prevalent, often by the same character, in the same scene, regarding the same target. It almost never makes sense. Tuxedos are worn. Pictures of silverware are on display.
In the end what it's about doesn't matter nearly as much as how it's what it's about, which I believe is what Roger Ebert has said is the entire point of making a movie. And that adage never rings any truer than with The Room. No movie has EVER been how what it's about, than what it's about, than this film. Whether this film was made this badly on purpose or not, as it exists in the 90 minutes you spend watching it it, is a most glorious experience. And the aftermath will continue to keep you thinking, even if you don't want to.
I watched The Room with a friend who had much consternation about watching what I described as "the best, worst movie ever". I've seen bad movies with her, I've heard her talk of bad movies before, she doesn't labor on them. But days after watching this movie which she insists was awful and left her with no residual feelings, she will still randomly ask me what the Tuxedos were for. She blurts out lines from the film. I do not think this will change with time. Unfortunately for her I believe that this experience is now engrained in her head forever, like a random groping on a train or a spider found crawling on her leg. To me the experience more closely resembles the warm smell of an apple orchard on an Autumn eve. But the point is the same, to watch The Room is to forever experience The Room.
Before I had watched The Room i knew a little about it by searching the web and watching some videos on YouTube. I believe I first heard about it reading a Bill Simmons column where he mentioned it as the best worst movie ever. I didn't delve too deep though, as I did not want too much knowledge going in for fear that it would ruin it for me, which is I why I've tried not to reveal all that much about the contents of movie here. But after you watch The Room, you owe it to yourself to find out more about Mr. Tommy Wiseau and the making of The Room. I half expect that one day he'll reveal that it's all been an act, only because I truly want the man to get the validation he deserves. Intentional or not, the end result of The Room is pure joy. And it doesn't matter how it got there.
To explain what The Room is, is like trying to explain the vast scientific workings of the Universe to a 3 year old. It can't be done. Is it a comedy? Is it a drama? Is it real? Is it a work? I don't know. And I don't really want to know. Much like the Universe, I just want to bathe in it's existence and let it envelop me.
Two things are certain. It's a movie, and it's about 90 minutes long. After that, all bets are off.
The body of my review shall start by simply stating that The Room, as it stands, is a horrible movie. Maybe the worst movie ever made. But of all the low rent, atrocious, disturbingly detached from reality movies I've seen (and I've seen most of them), The Room stands head and shoulders above all of those in the glory of it's wretchedness.
It's so preposterously awful that many speculate that it had to be intended to be such. The very idea that a human being capable of making a movie, which while not rocket surgery, surely takes some ability and humanesque qualities to achieve, could produce something so egregiously bad, is a little hard to believe. The fact of the matter is that the laughs, when you think about them, play perfectly as jokes. They are constructed perfectly for derision and play sweetly into the hands of absurdity. On the other hand the dude could just be mildly retarded.
I'll tell you a scant few things about the film because if you're going to see it, it's best to know as little as possible going in. Not about the story, but about the flaws. The story itself is rather simple. It's a love triangle. Or maybe a love quadruple. Or possibly a love Octagon. The fact of the matter is that everyone loves Lisa.
The entire movie is pretty much played out in a single room, or an a roof with a green screened background. There are softcore love scenes that play out as if a Hungarian watched Cinemax, thought it was the most romantic thing he ever saw and tried to recreate it. There are non stop laughs. Onscreen. Everybody laughs. At everything. Things that one would assume are integral to the story are brought up and then never mentioned again. Emotions are on full display. Love, happiness, hate, admiration and angst are prevalent, often by the same character, in the same scene, regarding the same target. It almost never makes sense. Tuxedos are worn. Pictures of silverware are on display.
In the end what it's about doesn't matter nearly as much as how it's what it's about, which I believe is what Roger Ebert has said is the entire point of making a movie. And that adage never rings any truer than with The Room. No movie has EVER been how what it's about, than what it's about, than this film. Whether this film was made this badly on purpose or not, as it exists in the 90 minutes you spend watching it it, is a most glorious experience. And the aftermath will continue to keep you thinking, even if you don't want to.
I watched The Room with a friend who had much consternation about watching what I described as "the best, worst movie ever". I've seen bad movies with her, I've heard her talk of bad movies before, she doesn't labor on them. But days after watching this movie which she insists was awful and left her with no residual feelings, she will still randomly ask me what the Tuxedos were for. She blurts out lines from the film. I do not think this will change with time. Unfortunately for her I believe that this experience is now engrained in her head forever, like a random groping on a train or a spider found crawling on her leg. To me the experience more closely resembles the warm smell of an apple orchard on an Autumn eve. But the point is the same, to watch The Room is to forever experience The Room.
Before I had watched The Room i knew a little about it by searching the web and watching some videos on YouTube. I believe I first heard about it reading a Bill Simmons column where he mentioned it as the best worst movie ever. I didn't delve too deep though, as I did not want too much knowledge going in for fear that it would ruin it for me, which is I why I've tried not to reveal all that much about the contents of movie here. But after you watch The Room, you owe it to yourself to find out more about Mr. Tommy Wiseau and the making of The Room. I half expect that one day he'll reveal that it's all been an act, only because I truly want the man to get the validation he deserves. Intentional or not, the end result of The Room is pure joy. And it doesn't matter how it got there.
Wet Hot American Summer: 72 Out Of 100 Stars
Funny movie about the final day of camp, set in the early 80's, that sabotages itself at times by not being completely sure what it wants to be.
There really is a ton of funny in this film, but it doesn't reveal it's true identity right away. That being that it's mostly a satire of 80's movies of the same ilk, thus it provides for a rather disjointed first act as you sort of wonder exactly what's going on. Secondly, the satire at times is......I'm trying to think of the right word......angry? Mean spirited? I can't place it exactly but it seems like at times the filmmakers are condemning the stuff their spoofing as much as they are having fun with it.
All that being said, it's an extremely funny movie in parts including some big belly laughs that particularly get rolling in the 3rd act.
Disjointed but fun, you'll have a good time at this campy camp.
There really is a ton of funny in this film, but it doesn't reveal it's true identity right away. That being that it's mostly a satire of 80's movies of the same ilk, thus it provides for a rather disjointed first act as you sort of wonder exactly what's going on. Secondly, the satire at times is......I'm trying to think of the right word......angry? Mean spirited? I can't place it exactly but it seems like at times the filmmakers are condemning the stuff their spoofing as much as they are having fun with it.
All that being said, it's an extremely funny movie in parts including some big belly laughs that particularly get rolling in the 3rd act.
Disjointed but fun, you'll have a good time at this campy camp.
Rub And Tug: 22 Out Of 100 Stars
Indy, Canadian film from the early aughts starring Corner Gas' Tara Spencer-Nairn. Believing that Mrs. Nairn is one of the ripest pieces that ever my eyes have beheld, I naturally had to give it a look. My dick doth led me astray.
So we got here a movie about a massage joint, starring Tara, another cute bubbly blonde chick and an annoying pixiish, ugly China girl. Unfortunately most of the script is about the ugly Asian. More than that it's a tediously badly written, paper thin story, that isn't helped by most of the actors or the low budget.
There's so much going on here at such a slow pace, most of which makes no sense. Story arcs are brought up and wrapped up a scene later, people laugh incessantly at their own jokes, I mean EVERYONE does it.
Things started off not well when the film opened, and I saw the set for the massage parlor. Set is claustrophobic, lighting was horrible, and then the story starts. The owner brings in a new manager whose job it will be to make sure none of the 3 girls give full service. The girls try to outwit him, but soon bring him into the fold when the Asian offers him money to marry her so she can become a citizen, this all happens within about 20 minutes.
They get married, have a falling out, the good guy manager turns evil for no particular reason or without any real setup. I mean I guess it's OK if he acts like a good guy only around the girls but he has plenty of solo screen time where he obviously isn't a cad, but then suddenly he becomes one because..........well, I guess that's just how the story goes.
The other 2 girls have their own subplots that are sort of just there and then there's a big finale that makes zero sense and seems like it was written by a 7th grader, I'm gonna spoil it so skip ahead if you plan on watching the movie, even though you've been warned not to.
The manager steals the Asian broads money and buys the store himself. The Asian broad then reveals to an immigration officer that she doesn't have working papers, so she's scheduled to be deported. Upon hearing this, the other 2 girls make up a story about being raped and held hostage by the manager/new owner, at which point he is arrested. The chink bitch is so sweet that the immigration officer let's her escape. The movie ends with the girls apparently owning the parlor themselves even though they have no money and why the fuck is an escaped illegal alien just back at her old job like nobodies trying to find her. This all happens in about 15 minutes. In between the beginning and the end there's a lot of boring shit.
There's almost nothing to like about this movie. Even a young Tara Nairn is made to look so rough that it's hard to muster a boner looking at her in tiny outfits. It's all too campy to be sexy, there's hardly any nudity, and very little erotic about the film.
Nothing done in this movie works. The comedy aint funny, the sexy aint sexy and the drama is too ridiculous to give a fuck about.
No need to visit this massage parlor, you'll have a better time jerking yourself off.
So we got here a movie about a massage joint, starring Tara, another cute bubbly blonde chick and an annoying pixiish, ugly China girl. Unfortunately most of the script is about the ugly Asian. More than that it's a tediously badly written, paper thin story, that isn't helped by most of the actors or the low budget.
There's so much going on here at such a slow pace, most of which makes no sense. Story arcs are brought up and wrapped up a scene later, people laugh incessantly at their own jokes, I mean EVERYONE does it.
Things started off not well when the film opened, and I saw the set for the massage parlor. Set is claustrophobic, lighting was horrible, and then the story starts. The owner brings in a new manager whose job it will be to make sure none of the 3 girls give full service. The girls try to outwit him, but soon bring him into the fold when the Asian offers him money to marry her so she can become a citizen, this all happens within about 20 minutes.
They get married, have a falling out, the good guy manager turns evil for no particular reason or without any real setup. I mean I guess it's OK if he acts like a good guy only around the girls but he has plenty of solo screen time where he obviously isn't a cad, but then suddenly he becomes one because..........well, I guess that's just how the story goes.
The other 2 girls have their own subplots that are sort of just there and then there's a big finale that makes zero sense and seems like it was written by a 7th grader, I'm gonna spoil it so skip ahead if you plan on watching the movie, even though you've been warned not to.
The manager steals the Asian broads money and buys the store himself. The Asian broad then reveals to an immigration officer that she doesn't have working papers, so she's scheduled to be deported. Upon hearing this, the other 2 girls make up a story about being raped and held hostage by the manager/new owner, at which point he is arrested. The chink bitch is so sweet that the immigration officer let's her escape. The movie ends with the girls apparently owning the parlor themselves even though they have no money and why the fuck is an escaped illegal alien just back at her old job like nobodies trying to find her. This all happens in about 15 minutes. In between the beginning and the end there's a lot of boring shit.
There's almost nothing to like about this movie. Even a young Tara Nairn is made to look so rough that it's hard to muster a boner looking at her in tiny outfits. It's all too campy to be sexy, there's hardly any nudity, and very little erotic about the film.
Nothing done in this movie works. The comedy aint funny, the sexy aint sexy and the drama is too ridiculous to give a fuck about.
No need to visit this massage parlor, you'll have a better time jerking yourself off.
The Chaos Experiment: 64 Out Of 100 Stars
Also known as The Steam Experiment, this is a quirky little thriller starring Val Kilmer.
Not great, but it moves along nicely and delivers some pretty good shocks and twists.
Movie stars Kilmer as someone, perhaps a scientist, perhaps a mental patient, who may have a group of people trapped in a steam room cooking to death.
Kilmer as the "bad guy" and Armand Assante as the cop questioning him, are both pretty good and the action in the steam room is OK, but the film doesn't give much setup or allow for much character depth as all the steam room occupants are having conflicts from the first moment we see them, which was kind of an eye roller, but I suppose it worked out OK.
The main problem I have with the film is that it has this subtext that doesn't really deliver, and in the end despite a neat twist there's not a real reason why any of this is happening and it's sort of just all over the place not knowing whether it's a message movie, a horror film, a drama, or what.
There's some decent T&A as 3 of the steamers are chicks and they're all dressed skimpily but there is very little overall sexuality in the film.
It kept me intrigued and is probably worth a viewing.
Not great, but it moves along nicely and delivers some pretty good shocks and twists.
Movie stars Kilmer as someone, perhaps a scientist, perhaps a mental patient, who may have a group of people trapped in a steam room cooking to death.
Kilmer as the "bad guy" and Armand Assante as the cop questioning him, are both pretty good and the action in the steam room is OK, but the film doesn't give much setup or allow for much character depth as all the steam room occupants are having conflicts from the first moment we see them, which was kind of an eye roller, but I suppose it worked out OK.
The main problem I have with the film is that it has this subtext that doesn't really deliver, and in the end despite a neat twist there's not a real reason why any of this is happening and it's sort of just all over the place not knowing whether it's a message movie, a horror film, a drama, or what.
There's some decent T&A as 3 of the steamers are chicks and they're all dressed skimpily but there is very little overall sexuality in the film.
It kept me intrigued and is probably worth a viewing.
Night Train: 52 Out Of 100 Stars
Really hard to rate this movie numerically as there is so much stuff that was good, but yet it just doesn't really add up to a good movie, although it gets an A for effort.
The basic setup is that 3 people on a train, passengers Lelee Sobieski and Steve Zahn, and conductor Danny Glover, are joined by a stranger carrying a mysterious package. I'll not give away any more, but to suffice the say the story is pretty original and has twists that left me anticipating, but in the end didn't pay off all that well in my opinion.
Not wanting to give away a lot of the story, I'll just sort of tell you that the story, while fresh and original, becomes a tad convoluted and silly in parts, although I can see how others wouldn't share that same opinion.
Another one of my problems are the performances of Glover and Zahn, who are sort of just playing people they've always played and/or overacting in parts. Honestly I didn't like Glovers performance at all. Maybe he and Zahn just annoy me. If you like those two go ahead and bump the rating up a bit.
The good parts of the film come from the actual cinematography and visual tones. It's a pretty refreshing movie to watch as far as the vibe it gives off. Also Lelee Sobieski is just a sultry, smokey piece of ass who is a pure pleasure to watch on the screen.
In summation, the potential was here for something very good and I can see how people may enjoy it much more than I did, but in the end there were was just too much bad to counteract the good.
The basic setup is that 3 people on a train, passengers Lelee Sobieski and Steve Zahn, and conductor Danny Glover, are joined by a stranger carrying a mysterious package. I'll not give away any more, but to suffice the say the story is pretty original and has twists that left me anticipating, but in the end didn't pay off all that well in my opinion.
Not wanting to give away a lot of the story, I'll just sort of tell you that the story, while fresh and original, becomes a tad convoluted and silly in parts, although I can see how others wouldn't share that same opinion.
Another one of my problems are the performances of Glover and Zahn, who are sort of just playing people they've always played and/or overacting in parts. Honestly I didn't like Glovers performance at all. Maybe he and Zahn just annoy me. If you like those two go ahead and bump the rating up a bit.
The good parts of the film come from the actual cinematography and visual tones. It's a pretty refreshing movie to watch as far as the vibe it gives off. Also Lelee Sobieski is just a sultry, smokey piece of ass who is a pure pleasure to watch on the screen.
In summation, the potential was here for something very good and I can see how people may enjoy it much more than I did, but in the end there were was just too much bad to counteract the good.
Jennifers Body: 27 Out Of 100 Stars
How do you take Megan Fox, one of the hottest bitches on gods green earth, put her in a movie with lesbian overtones, including full fledged makeout sessions with her female costar and have her talking about getting ass fucked, yet still manage to bore me to fuckin death? I don't know, but that's one hell of an accomplishment.
From the same cunt who made Juno, we have a story about a girl possessed by something, who knows, who cares. She gets possessed because a rock band kidnaps her to sacrifice her for who knows and who cares why. It's too stupid for me to contemplate.
A film with so much "teenism" dialog that I wanted to go down to the mall and just unload on every current and future member of sperm receptacles of America, with an uzi.
The 27 is for the mild boners that Megan induced. This movie is putrid beyond belief.
From the same cunt who made Juno, we have a story about a girl possessed by something, who knows, who cares. She gets possessed because a rock band kidnaps her to sacrifice her for who knows and who cares why. It's too stupid for me to contemplate.
A film with so much "teenism" dialog that I wanted to go down to the mall and just unload on every current and future member of sperm receptacles of America, with an uzi.
The 27 is for the mild boners that Megan induced. This movie is putrid beyond belief.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
2009 Horror Fest: Halloween 2: 45 Out Of 100 Stars
I wanted to give this a slightly positive rating, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. There is some good here, most of it in the abstract however, and I can't really overpraise it with style points when the fact of the matter is that the substance continues to be subpar.
First, the good. Zombie does a hell of a job in humanizing and making Michael Myers as real as possible while still maintaining the mythical aura around him. Just the fact that we see his face, see the real human being and are shown how and why he is who he is, and what he's after, makes that aspect one of the better parts of any movie of this genre ever. The aspects of his mothers ghost, the otherworldly dementia and so on, I also really enjoyed.
Now the bad. All of that awesome stuff is surrounded by tediously cliche and horrid kill scenes. If anything, those are the one thing I'd think he'd be able to do really well, but he doesn't. I mean, I was retching at the unoriginal and boring chases and horrendous payoffs (the first 15 minutes pissed me the fuck off).
I sort of liked the tone of the Loomis character in this film, but once again he's just played so over the top. I love Roddy McDowel, but he wasn't the man to play Loomis. Not in the first one, and not in this one.
All in all it's better than the first one, but that's damning with very faint praise because once child Michael left the screen in the first film, it was all downhill. I feel like there's one really good story between the 2 films and maybe with some better kills it could have been awesome.
It aint as horrible as the first one, but I'm not sure I can recommend sitting through almost 2 hours more of this story.
First, the good. Zombie does a hell of a job in humanizing and making Michael Myers as real as possible while still maintaining the mythical aura around him. Just the fact that we see his face, see the real human being and are shown how and why he is who he is, and what he's after, makes that aspect one of the better parts of any movie of this genre ever. The aspects of his mothers ghost, the otherworldly dementia and so on, I also really enjoyed.
Now the bad. All of that awesome stuff is surrounded by tediously cliche and horrid kill scenes. If anything, those are the one thing I'd think he'd be able to do really well, but he doesn't. I mean, I was retching at the unoriginal and boring chases and horrendous payoffs (the first 15 minutes pissed me the fuck off).
I sort of liked the tone of the Loomis character in this film, but once again he's just played so over the top. I love Roddy McDowel, but he wasn't the man to play Loomis. Not in the first one, and not in this one.
All in all it's better than the first one, but that's damning with very faint praise because once child Michael left the screen in the first film, it was all downhill. I feel like there's one really good story between the 2 films and maybe with some better kills it could have been awesome.
It aint as horrible as the first one, but I'm not sure I can recommend sitting through almost 2 hours more of this story.
2009 Horror Fest: The Backwoods: 40 Out Of 100 Stars
Pretty much a Wrong Turn ripoff except the killers aren't inbred mutants so much as just inbred hillbillies.
A company full of course of hot dudes and hot chicks decide to go on a paintball retreat in the middle of nowhere and the normal cliches ensue. Nothing that hasn't been seen or done before but it's competently made so it's got that going for it.
It "stars" Hailey Duff, but don't ask me which of the 3 hotties she is cause I wouldn't recognize her if she were sucking my balls. Anyway, there's a cult that lives in an underground compound and if anyone wanders into their territory, the men get killed and the women get kept for breeding. Of course none of the hot chicks are ever shown naked, even when prepared for fucking they wear cloth over their entire bodies.
The chases and kills are good enough and maybe even a little bit fun.
Far better than the two Wrong Turn sequels but not quite on the level of the original due to the rather dumb nature of the villains.
A company full of course of hot dudes and hot chicks decide to go on a paintball retreat in the middle of nowhere and the normal cliches ensue. Nothing that hasn't been seen or done before but it's competently made so it's got that going for it.
It "stars" Hailey Duff, but don't ask me which of the 3 hotties she is cause I wouldn't recognize her if she were sucking my balls. Anyway, there's a cult that lives in an underground compound and if anyone wanders into their territory, the men get killed and the women get kept for breeding. Of course none of the hot chicks are ever shown naked, even when prepared for fucking they wear cloth over their entire bodies.
The chases and kills are good enough and maybe even a little bit fun.
Far better than the two Wrong Turn sequels but not quite on the level of the original due to the rather dumb nature of the villains.
2009 Horror Fest: The Hills Have Eyes 2 (Sequel To The Original): 85 Out Of 100 Stars
Made in 1985, this looked to be an attempt to cash in on the burgeoning monster movie phase of American cinema, but it plays less like a big time monster movie and more like one of a hundred cheap slasher movies you could have found on the video store walls at the time.
The story is ridiculously hack kneed as the Squaw who helped the family in the original is now apparently a normal person and she and the younger brother are part of a team of motorcycle racers. The brother (who I thought was really good in the original) is in therapy and still has flashbacks of the horrific events and just isn't sure the hill people are really dead, and either because he's scared of where they're going or just having a breakdown, decides not to go with them to the races. This upsets one of the team members who's been working on a special super gas for the race which is in it's own finely labeled barrel, hitting you over the head with a potential plot point.
Of course the motorcycle team is headed to a race in California and wouldn't you know it, they trek out over the same patch of land that the family broke down on in the original, despite the squaw being with them. And of course they begin to leak gas and get stranded, leading to a great exchange where one character asks another if they just can't use the super gas, to which he is told "are you kidding? That stuff would blow this bus to kingdom come". I see where this is going.
Ok, this is awesome. The motorcycle crew, which of course consists of a bunch of guys barely out high school, and their girlfriends (including a black couple and blind girl who may or may not have super powers) have no idea that the squaw used to be the squaw, they just thinks she's a.....I dunno what the fuck she has to do with them except being a friend to Bobby (the younger brother). It's not until they run into the hill people that she tells them who she is. I dunno what the fuck is going on about except that half of movie so far is flashbacks to the original. Even the fucking dog is having flashbacks. It's a clip movie!
AHHHHH, SO 1985!! So while the Squaw is telling the whole gang about her past and none of them are believing her, somebody stole a motorcycle out of the back of the bus. Upon seeing this the dudes decide to chase after whoever stole the bike on the other bikes, this leads to an extended sequence of the drivers.............suiting up! They put on their 1985 shoulder pads and motorcycle suits and what not. Hooo boy. I guess they were trying to corner the monster movie motocross crowd. Fuckin aces.
There's a chase sequence, styrofoam rocks fall, etc etc. Back at the bus, despite the fact that they've had a bike stolen and 2 of their friends are now missing, they decide to set up a practical joke for when they return, instead of, ya know, being frightened or worried or anything. This is so awesome. The Squaw and the blind girl are clearly sure that they are in danger, but because nobody believes them, they're just like "ok whatever, let's tell jokes and goof around" It's tremendous.
Jesus H Christ, this may be the single dumbest script I have ever encountered. Nothing makes any sense. There is monster movie character dumb, but these people are on a whole nother level. I swear to fuck, a cartoon slap sound effect is used at one point, like a literal cartoon slap sound effect you would hear on Tom & Jerry.
I mean, I'm not being so forward as to say their were no crappy horror movies before this, but this certainly sets the bar high.
Everyone goes random directions, doing random things like taking a shower in the middle of the dessert or chasing after each other with the bus for no apparent reason. The killers are sooooooo not scarey, they look like fucking Muppets, but not Muppet Muppets, human Muppets. The blind girl goes around feeling everything. A lot of the kill scenes are so clearly inspired by Friday The 13th as the music, the slow motion, it's all the same, except this sucks. The killers even take time to explain what exactly it is they do in between chasing and killing people, so nice of them.
Holy shit. The ending is such a magnificent blend of overwrought and under imaginative over imagination that I can't put it into fucking words. I bet you $100 fucking dollars that was Vince Russos favorite movie as a kid.
The Hills may have eyes, but the writer has no brain.
The story is ridiculously hack kneed as the Squaw who helped the family in the original is now apparently a normal person and she and the younger brother are part of a team of motorcycle racers. The brother (who I thought was really good in the original) is in therapy and still has flashbacks of the horrific events and just isn't sure the hill people are really dead, and either because he's scared of where they're going or just having a breakdown, decides not to go with them to the races. This upsets one of the team members who's been working on a special super gas for the race which is in it's own finely labeled barrel, hitting you over the head with a potential plot point.
Of course the motorcycle team is headed to a race in California and wouldn't you know it, they trek out over the same patch of land that the family broke down on in the original, despite the squaw being with them. And of course they begin to leak gas and get stranded, leading to a great exchange where one character asks another if they just can't use the super gas, to which he is told "are you kidding? That stuff would blow this bus to kingdom come". I see where this is going.
Ok, this is awesome. The motorcycle crew, which of course consists of a bunch of guys barely out high school, and their girlfriends (including a black couple and blind girl who may or may not have super powers) have no idea that the squaw used to be the squaw, they just thinks she's a.....I dunno what the fuck she has to do with them except being a friend to Bobby (the younger brother). It's not until they run into the hill people that she tells them who she is. I dunno what the fuck is going on about except that half of movie so far is flashbacks to the original. Even the fucking dog is having flashbacks. It's a clip movie!
AHHHHH, SO 1985!! So while the Squaw is telling the whole gang about her past and none of them are believing her, somebody stole a motorcycle out of the back of the bus. Upon seeing this the dudes decide to chase after whoever stole the bike on the other bikes, this leads to an extended sequence of the drivers.............suiting up! They put on their 1985 shoulder pads and motorcycle suits and what not. Hooo boy. I guess they were trying to corner the monster movie motocross crowd. Fuckin aces.
There's a chase sequence, styrofoam rocks fall, etc etc. Back at the bus, despite the fact that they've had a bike stolen and 2 of their friends are now missing, they decide to set up a practical joke for when they return, instead of, ya know, being frightened or worried or anything. This is so awesome. The Squaw and the blind girl are clearly sure that they are in danger, but because nobody believes them, they're just like "ok whatever, let's tell jokes and goof around" It's tremendous.
Jesus H Christ, this may be the single dumbest script I have ever encountered. Nothing makes any sense. There is monster movie character dumb, but these people are on a whole nother level. I swear to fuck, a cartoon slap sound effect is used at one point, like a literal cartoon slap sound effect you would hear on Tom & Jerry.
I mean, I'm not being so forward as to say their were no crappy horror movies before this, but this certainly sets the bar high.
Everyone goes random directions, doing random things like taking a shower in the middle of the dessert or chasing after each other with the bus for no apparent reason. The killers are sooooooo not scarey, they look like fucking Muppets, but not Muppet Muppets, human Muppets. The blind girl goes around feeling everything. A lot of the kill scenes are so clearly inspired by Friday The 13th as the music, the slow motion, it's all the same, except this sucks. The killers even take time to explain what exactly it is they do in between chasing and killing people, so nice of them.
Holy shit. The ending is such a magnificent blend of overwrought and under imaginative over imagination that I can't put it into fucking words. I bet you $100 fucking dollars that was Vince Russos favorite movie as a kid.
The Hills may have eyes, but the writer has no brain.
2009 Horror Fest: The Hills Have Eyes (Original): 58 Out Of 100 Stars
Seeing as how I loved the remake, I decided to give the original a go, and it was kind of good.
The setup is pretty much exactly the same, with a family from Cleveland heading to LA and getting lost somewhere in the dessert with their station wagon and RV. I really liked the family in this one, especially the younger brother who's sort of the focus. The buildup is excellently done and almost verbatim to the remake, or the remake is verbatim to this, whatever.
The horror is setup nicely through the first 40 minutes as it has an ambiance that the remake really didn't have. The problem comes once the action kicks in, as the hill people in this one are more less hairy Indian folk who we're told are sort of mutants, but really just look kind of silly and not all that menacing.
The attack on the family is still violent, although despite another mutant rape, it really isn't shown and thus the sexual undertones aren't there.
Once it becomes a battle of the remaining family against the hill people, it's sort of not as much fun. They're just running around on rocks having bad fight scenes. And the god damned dogs are annoying as shit, running away, coming back, barking all the fucking time.
So in summation, the setup in the first one is better due to the film making, but the payoff is nowhere near as good due to the non balls to the wall nature. So there.
The setup is pretty much exactly the same, with a family from Cleveland heading to LA and getting lost somewhere in the dessert with their station wagon and RV. I really liked the family in this one, especially the younger brother who's sort of the focus. The buildup is excellently done and almost verbatim to the remake, or the remake is verbatim to this, whatever.
The horror is setup nicely through the first 40 minutes as it has an ambiance that the remake really didn't have. The problem comes once the action kicks in, as the hill people in this one are more less hairy Indian folk who we're told are sort of mutants, but really just look kind of silly and not all that menacing.
The attack on the family is still violent, although despite another mutant rape, it really isn't shown and thus the sexual undertones aren't there.
Once it becomes a battle of the remaining family against the hill people, it's sort of not as much fun. They're just running around on rocks having bad fight scenes. And the god damned dogs are annoying as shit, running away, coming back, barking all the fucking time.
So in summation, the setup in the first one is better due to the film making, but the payoff is nowhere near as good due to the non balls to the wall nature. So there.
2009 Horror Fest: 5ive Girls: 13 Out Of 100 Stars
It makes no fucking sense. A while ago a girl got possessed in the middle of a Catholic School session. Now, many years later, the school has reopened to a whopping class of 5. There are 2 teachers, who never appear to actually teach. One of the girls has powers of some sort and shit happens but none of it is interesting or titilating. It's just fuckin annoying.
2009 Horror Fest: It's My Party And I'll Die If I Want To: 20 Out Of 100 Stars
All 20 stars are for the gore and the makeup, which is really well done, but encompasses about 5 minutes of the movie. The rest is just bad.
A group of friends is throwing a surprise party for another friend of theirs on Halloween at a house that of course has a scary back story. There's almost no thought given to the story beyond that. The camera looks to be from 1995, the acting is bad and the dialog is non existent in terms of coherency. There's a gratuitous shower scene where a body double is so clearly being used that it becomes an absurdity. The body double hasn't an ass, making it pretty pointless. It literally takes about 50 minutes before anything happens. It fucking sucks.
A group of friends is throwing a surprise party for another friend of theirs on Halloween at a house that of course has a scary back story. There's almost no thought given to the story beyond that. The camera looks to be from 1995, the acting is bad and the dialog is non existent in terms of coherency. There's a gratuitous shower scene where a body double is so clearly being used that it becomes an absurdity. The body double hasn't an ass, making it pretty pointless. It literally takes about 50 minutes before anything happens. It fucking sucks.
2009 Horror Fest: Psychopathia Sexualis: 20 Out Of 100 Stars
I downloaded this for the title, and no other reason. It's basically just a series of vignettes regarding certain sexual conduct that isn't really titillating, or interesting, or graphic. The part on Lesbianism is OK, even though one of the chicks is butt ugly music teacher looking. Blah.
2009 Horror Fest: Ted Bundy: 23 Out Of 100 Stars
Boy, what a goofy guy that serial killing Ted Bundy was. At least if this biopic on him is to be believed.
What an atrocious recounting of one of Americas most prolific murderers this film is. If you have no interest in the sexual aspect of his attacks then this movie is pretty much worthless, and even that's not done all that well.
The problem with the movie, and it's a giant one, is that it takes a joyful and silly tone. Bundy goes from one rape and murder to the next in joyful silliness. There are humorously psychotic ways to portray someone, but this film would rather play silly jingles over scenes of murder than explore Bundys motives in any sort of deep way. Imagine if DX decided to do a movie on Ted Bundy and this is pretty much what you would get.
The movie is played so silly that I had no idea how true to the story they were being but I'm guessing not very.
Throughout the movie Bundy has an on again, off again, relationship with a woman that I know really existed, but in the film he just disappears for months, comes back, they argue, she out of nowhere is fine with him, rinse and repeat. Again they make no real effort to get any more than skin deep.
There are bizarre scenes that get treated in such zany fashion that while I believe they are based on truth, just comes across as so preposterous in the context of the movie that you almost wanna laugh more than be revolted. These include him putting a womans body, wrapped in a rug, into his car. This is done right out on the street in front of a large group of passers by who don't even acknowledge him and what is clearly a body being stuffed into a car. Worse yet is the scene where he has a severed head on his kitchen table and he's talking to it. It's just a standalone scene, one in a myriad of standalone scenes that serve more of a timeline than an an actual story, as if we're supposed to know all this stuff already.
Even his psychosis isn't explored very much. From the beginning of the film we pretty much just get a series of escalating perverted activities, without much exposition at all.
There's a great line in the movie when Ted is eventually caught and put in jail (which also is about as underwhelming as you can imagine such a turn of events could be) where his sometimes girlfriend comes to visit him and she complains about him having female visitors. She's not upset that he's a serial rapist/killer, no, she's upset he's cheating. Just so silly.
I really don't wanna use so many words on such a bad movie but Christ, it just get's worse. Once in jail on murder charges, Ted decides to defend himself. Of course he's brought to an empty library by a single guard, who apparently likes Ted so much that he takes off his shackles and let's him roam free. The guard then announces that he's going for a smoke, leaving Bundy all alone. Yeah. So he jumps out the window and hops from roof to roof until on the ground, where he makes his escape. Now this is stupid enough, but then they show actual footage of a news report of the escape and show the actual building, which is nothing like the building we've just seen. It's dumb, it's silly, it's shoddy film making.
Now listen, I don't know if the escape actually happened or not. I'd never heard of it. But let's assume it did. That's pretty big right? Well the film spends about 20 seconds on it as we have a scene of his ex girlfriend dreaming he's come back to kill her. When she wakes up she's comforted by either her daughter who's aged 10 years, or some random person. The very next scene is of Ted trying to pick the lock on a car. A cop car pulls up......slowly, he ignores it. A cop gets out and nonchalantly walks over to him still trying to pick the lock and simply says "Hi Ted, welcome back". At which point he just hangs his head as if to say "awww shucks, ya got me". The music that plays when he's being led back to jail is the same you would get in a buddy caper when one of them is being hauled in but you know in the next scene there's going to be a fun, goofy, breakout. It's fucking weird.
Back in jail there's another great scene where he fucks a visitor right in the middle of the visiting room and then slips the guard some cash for letting him do it. This movie just does not care about the subject at all.
Oh for fuck sakes. He escapes AGAIN. This time thru a convenient hole in the ceiling of his cell.
So on to Florida he goes where he follows some sorority sisters back to their house. Inside the house.....and I'm laughing typing this, inside the house two sorority girls are jumping on their beds in their underwear and throwing pillows at each other and giggling. But they do it in a way like you can imagine someone just told them to do that for no apparent reason and with no motivation but to get a shot of them doing it. I can't express how just obscenely and absurdly gratuitous this movie has become.
Ted picks up a piece of wood from the woodpile out front and walks right in. Yes, a woodpile. Because we all know how many sorority houses in FLORIDA have fireplaces. So he walks in and bludgeons, rapes and eats the asses of all the sisters, I dunno, it was dark.
He gets captured again within 2 scenes and as he's being cuffed, he begs to be killed, out of nowhere. God damn these film makers just don't give a fuck.
Now suddenly we're taken to actual news footage of his sentencing and execution and it just shows such a complete lack of film making ability because the real man even in a short glimpse of his face is clearly nothing like they've spent this whole god forsaken movie portraying.
HOLY FUCKIN SHIT!! THEY PUT A SCENE IN THE MOVIE WHERE THE GUARDS, WHILE CUTTING HIS HAIR IN PREPARATION FOR HIS EXECUTION, DECIDE TO RAPE HIM WITH COTTON BALLS. WHAT IN THE HOLY FUCK AM I WATCHING?
Oh, ok. I see now. They also put a diaper on him. I guess this is in preparation for when he loses total body function. But instead of playing like a serious moment it comes off like something out of deliverance. One of the guards is even asking another guard, who I guess is his uncle, "Is this good uncle Bob? Is this good?" as he gleefully jams stuff in Teds ass.
So Ted is killed in the electric chair and we're then taken to a shot of his ex girlfriend sitting on a couch, with who I guess is supposed to be her new boyfriend. They're watching footage of the execution on TV and she, in the most first day of acting school delivery says, "I was with him all those years and I had no idea. Who.......Was........Ted........Bundy?" We're then treated to an LSD inspired montage of various children proclaiming "I'm Ted Bundy!"
The last shot of the movie is a still of the actual Ted Bundy over which we are told that the term serial killer was first used in reference to Bundy. And that over 200 women a day sent him letters proclaiming to love him. Yes, the punch in the gut last thing the makers of the movie wanted to leave you with was that a lot of women loved him.
I can't express how miserably the film makers failed at this movie. I mean, I just can't put it into words. To take a real man who did vile things and try and make a goofy, silly biopic about it........I mean, Christ. The second half of this movie is just........fuck, I can't even fathom what these people were thinking. Holy Hell.
What an atrocious recounting of one of Americas most prolific murderers this film is. If you have no interest in the sexual aspect of his attacks then this movie is pretty much worthless, and even that's not done all that well.
The problem with the movie, and it's a giant one, is that it takes a joyful and silly tone. Bundy goes from one rape and murder to the next in joyful silliness. There are humorously psychotic ways to portray someone, but this film would rather play silly jingles over scenes of murder than explore Bundys motives in any sort of deep way. Imagine if DX decided to do a movie on Ted Bundy and this is pretty much what you would get.
The movie is played so silly that I had no idea how true to the story they were being but I'm guessing not very.
Throughout the movie Bundy has an on again, off again, relationship with a woman that I know really existed, but in the film he just disappears for months, comes back, they argue, she out of nowhere is fine with him, rinse and repeat. Again they make no real effort to get any more than skin deep.
There are bizarre scenes that get treated in such zany fashion that while I believe they are based on truth, just comes across as so preposterous in the context of the movie that you almost wanna laugh more than be revolted. These include him putting a womans body, wrapped in a rug, into his car. This is done right out on the street in front of a large group of passers by who don't even acknowledge him and what is clearly a body being stuffed into a car. Worse yet is the scene where he has a severed head on his kitchen table and he's talking to it. It's just a standalone scene, one in a myriad of standalone scenes that serve more of a timeline than an an actual story, as if we're supposed to know all this stuff already.
Even his psychosis isn't explored very much. From the beginning of the film we pretty much just get a series of escalating perverted activities, without much exposition at all.
There's a great line in the movie when Ted is eventually caught and put in jail (which also is about as underwhelming as you can imagine such a turn of events could be) where his sometimes girlfriend comes to visit him and she complains about him having female visitors. She's not upset that he's a serial rapist/killer, no, she's upset he's cheating. Just so silly.
I really don't wanna use so many words on such a bad movie but Christ, it just get's worse. Once in jail on murder charges, Ted decides to defend himself. Of course he's brought to an empty library by a single guard, who apparently likes Ted so much that he takes off his shackles and let's him roam free. The guard then announces that he's going for a smoke, leaving Bundy all alone. Yeah. So he jumps out the window and hops from roof to roof until on the ground, where he makes his escape. Now this is stupid enough, but then they show actual footage of a news report of the escape and show the actual building, which is nothing like the building we've just seen. It's dumb, it's silly, it's shoddy film making.
Now listen, I don't know if the escape actually happened or not. I'd never heard of it. But let's assume it did. That's pretty big right? Well the film spends about 20 seconds on it as we have a scene of his ex girlfriend dreaming he's come back to kill her. When she wakes up she's comforted by either her daughter who's aged 10 years, or some random person. The very next scene is of Ted trying to pick the lock on a car. A cop car pulls up......slowly, he ignores it. A cop gets out and nonchalantly walks over to him still trying to pick the lock and simply says "Hi Ted, welcome back". At which point he just hangs his head as if to say "awww shucks, ya got me". The music that plays when he's being led back to jail is the same you would get in a buddy caper when one of them is being hauled in but you know in the next scene there's going to be a fun, goofy, breakout. It's fucking weird.
Back in jail there's another great scene where he fucks a visitor right in the middle of the visiting room and then slips the guard some cash for letting him do it. This movie just does not care about the subject at all.
Oh for fuck sakes. He escapes AGAIN. This time thru a convenient hole in the ceiling of his cell.
So on to Florida he goes where he follows some sorority sisters back to their house. Inside the house.....and I'm laughing typing this, inside the house two sorority girls are jumping on their beds in their underwear and throwing pillows at each other and giggling. But they do it in a way like you can imagine someone just told them to do that for no apparent reason and with no motivation but to get a shot of them doing it. I can't express how just obscenely and absurdly gratuitous this movie has become.
Ted picks up a piece of wood from the woodpile out front and walks right in. Yes, a woodpile. Because we all know how many sorority houses in FLORIDA have fireplaces. So he walks in and bludgeons, rapes and eats the asses of all the sisters, I dunno, it was dark.
He gets captured again within 2 scenes and as he's being cuffed, he begs to be killed, out of nowhere. God damn these film makers just don't give a fuck.
Now suddenly we're taken to actual news footage of his sentencing and execution and it just shows such a complete lack of film making ability because the real man even in a short glimpse of his face is clearly nothing like they've spent this whole god forsaken movie portraying.
HOLY FUCKIN SHIT!! THEY PUT A SCENE IN THE MOVIE WHERE THE GUARDS, WHILE CUTTING HIS HAIR IN PREPARATION FOR HIS EXECUTION, DECIDE TO RAPE HIM WITH COTTON BALLS. WHAT IN THE HOLY FUCK AM I WATCHING?
Oh, ok. I see now. They also put a diaper on him. I guess this is in preparation for when he loses total body function. But instead of playing like a serious moment it comes off like something out of deliverance. One of the guards is even asking another guard, who I guess is his uncle, "Is this good uncle Bob? Is this good?" as he gleefully jams stuff in Teds ass.
So Ted is killed in the electric chair and we're then taken to a shot of his ex girlfriend sitting on a couch, with who I guess is supposed to be her new boyfriend. They're watching footage of the execution on TV and she, in the most first day of acting school delivery says, "I was with him all those years and I had no idea. Who.......Was........Ted........Bundy?" We're then treated to an LSD inspired montage of various children proclaiming "I'm Ted Bundy!"
The last shot of the movie is a still of the actual Ted Bundy over which we are told that the term serial killer was first used in reference to Bundy. And that over 200 women a day sent him letters proclaiming to love him. Yes, the punch in the gut last thing the makers of the movie wanted to leave you with was that a lot of women loved him.
I can't express how miserably the film makers failed at this movie. I mean, I just can't put it into words. To take a real man who did vile things and try and make a goofy, silly biopic about it........I mean, Christ. The second half of this movie is just........fuck, I can't even fathom what these people were thinking. Holy Hell.
2009 Horror Fest: Outpost: 40 Out Of 100 Stars
Film about a group of guns for hire that starts off fairly strong and straightforward, but really waned in the second half, for me at least.
A commando is hired by a shady little man to form a team and lead him to a deserted outpost in the middle of nowhere during the Serbian war. As I said, the setup is good and solid and all of the commandos look and act like commandos and I was dug in for some fun, but when they get to the outpost the subject matter took a turn for the worse.
Turns out this outpost was a secret Nazi base where they did experimentation on unified field theory, much like the Philadelphia experiment. In typing it, it sounds a lot funner than it turned out, as the villains just aren't dreadful enough and the tension that develops plays more as a boredom.
This is not to say that it's a bad movie, I think a lot of people may actually enjoy it. It just didn't do much for me. The idea of commandos fighting Nazi ghosts sounds a lot better than executed in the film. The ending is also kind of silly. In fact the last 40 minutes or so were a letdown for me.
I'd say give it a shot if you're so inclined, as all the mechanics are there for a good movie, but if you start to get bored be assured that it won't pick up.
A commando is hired by a shady little man to form a team and lead him to a deserted outpost in the middle of nowhere during the Serbian war. As I said, the setup is good and solid and all of the commandos look and act like commandos and I was dug in for some fun, but when they get to the outpost the subject matter took a turn for the worse.
Turns out this outpost was a secret Nazi base where they did experimentation on unified field theory, much like the Philadelphia experiment. In typing it, it sounds a lot funner than it turned out, as the villains just aren't dreadful enough and the tension that develops plays more as a boredom.
This is not to say that it's a bad movie, I think a lot of people may actually enjoy it. It just didn't do much for me. The idea of commandos fighting Nazi ghosts sounds a lot better than executed in the film. The ending is also kind of silly. In fact the last 40 minutes or so were a letdown for me.
I'd say give it a shot if you're so inclined, as all the mechanics are there for a good movie, but if you start to get bored be assured that it won't pick up.
2009 Horror Fest: The Midnight Hour: 56 Out Of 100 Stars
Decent, if dated film from 1985, starring a who's who of eventual who's that's. Peter Deluise, Shari Belafonte, LaVar Burton, Dedee Pfeifer, Kurtwood Smith, Dick Van Patten, they're all here.
Apparently there are different versions of the movie as it was originally aired on ABC as sort of a Halloween movie special, but the one I watched was a bit gory so I likely saw the unedited version, not that it's all that more racy.
Anyway, it's the story of a bunch of teens who live in a town known mainly for it's witch burnings and witch hunting founder. Belefonte plays the descendent of the evil witch.
The group decide to raid the town museum of it's costumes and inadvertently find an old scroll which they read in the cemetery, from there hell is unleashed, in a pg way.
The movie isn't all that great but has a great kistche factor, watching all the familiar faces. It's main drawback is the unassuming lead who has as much charisma as a dead toe nail.
The story is fairly basic. Ghouls invade, teenagers have to stop them, and so on. It does however contain quite a few head scratching moments that may double as comedy if you're so inclined. Amongst them are an apparent gorilla coming out of a grave which leads to many questions. Also, a pretty hot teacher appears eager to jump student Peter Deluises bones.
There's a pretty decent idea for comedy hit upon for a short while, as while all the inhabitants of the graveyard have been resurrected, not all of the them are out for blood, so when a myriad of them show up at a Halloween party, they fit right in, which leads to a few laughs, but outside of a scene or 2, the idea isn't really used to the extent it could have been.
In fact that's the general problem with the movie, it's all over the place. There's horror, a love story, a back story, family issues, but none of them are given the time to be fleshed out or reach any sort of solid conclusion.
Easily the best of part of the film comes when, in what up until that point had been a conventional if below average film, suddenly turns into a music video as for no apparent reason Belafonte starts singing and dancing, at which point everyone else at the party joins her in a Thrilleresque little number that will numb your mind.
I want to note that a girl named Jonelle Allen plays the female lead in the film and is absolutely gorgeous. She's been in a lot of stuff but obviously never became a star but she just radiates on the screen.
So yeah, it's not a very good film as it lacks nudity and much horror and the story isn't great, but it was a decent enough time, made all the better by the cast.
Apparently there are different versions of the movie as it was originally aired on ABC as sort of a Halloween movie special, but the one I watched was a bit gory so I likely saw the unedited version, not that it's all that more racy.
Anyway, it's the story of a bunch of teens who live in a town known mainly for it's witch burnings and witch hunting founder. Belefonte plays the descendent of the evil witch.
The group decide to raid the town museum of it's costumes and inadvertently find an old scroll which they read in the cemetery, from there hell is unleashed, in a pg way.
The movie isn't all that great but has a great kistche factor, watching all the familiar faces. It's main drawback is the unassuming lead who has as much charisma as a dead toe nail.
The story is fairly basic. Ghouls invade, teenagers have to stop them, and so on. It does however contain quite a few head scratching moments that may double as comedy if you're so inclined. Amongst them are an apparent gorilla coming out of a grave which leads to many questions. Also, a pretty hot teacher appears eager to jump student Peter Deluises bones.
There's a pretty decent idea for comedy hit upon for a short while, as while all the inhabitants of the graveyard have been resurrected, not all of the them are out for blood, so when a myriad of them show up at a Halloween party, they fit right in, which leads to a few laughs, but outside of a scene or 2, the idea isn't really used to the extent it could have been.
In fact that's the general problem with the movie, it's all over the place. There's horror, a love story, a back story, family issues, but none of them are given the time to be fleshed out or reach any sort of solid conclusion.
Easily the best of part of the film comes when, in what up until that point had been a conventional if below average film, suddenly turns into a music video as for no apparent reason Belafonte starts singing and dancing, at which point everyone else at the party joins her in a Thrilleresque little number that will numb your mind.
I want to note that a girl named Jonelle Allen plays the female lead in the film and is absolutely gorgeous. She's been in a lot of stuff but obviously never became a star but she just radiates on the screen.
So yeah, it's not a very good film as it lacks nudity and much horror and the story isn't great, but it was a decent enough time, made all the better by the cast.
2009 Horror Fest: Paranormal Activity: 0 Out Of 100 Stars
Jesus H Christ what a shit stain of a movie. Where to begin? Well first off all, there are probably 1 or 2 actual jump moments, and even those aren't all that grand. Other than that there's nothing, and i mean NOTHING,interesting about this movie. Well maybe the girls tits.
The premise is that Katie has been haunted all her life by something, so when the hauntings start again, her boyfriend Micah decides to buy a camera and document everything that happens to them.
The problem with the movie is that nothing really happens to them. They argue about the camera, they argue about whether they should get help, they go to bed, they get scared by thuds and doors slamming, repeat ad nausea until you're almost begging for them to just die already.
The male lead has atrocious dialog and delivers it even worse. You ever watch a POV porno, and the guy totally ruins it by talking and talking and the more you listen to him the softer your cock gets because it's clear he's a functional retard? Ok, now stretch that out over an entire movie. There comes a point about halfway through the movie where the tedium of listening to the guy makes you hate the girl, because anyone with half a brain would just fucking get rid of him. She cries, she yells, he tells her it'll be ok.........she relents. Rinse and repeat. It's a fucking chore to watch.
Now then, the big pull of the film are the supposed frights, and as I said, there are a couple of jump moments. But just like the horrible repetitive dialog, there is a repetitive setup to every jump moment. Once you've seen the first one you know when all the other ones are coming, you're just waiting for it.
The idea of the camera and all the footage being found is interesting, but by the 3rd time they react to what's supposed to be a frightening situation by grabbing the camera you just wanna strangle them both. It doesn't take long for it to become more of a detriment to the film than it is an asset to the scares.
Rotten Tomatos has this at 85%. I am so past perplexed that I can't even imagine what these people could have seen in this movie not just to give it a good rating, but to find ANYTHING good about it.
Believe me when I tell you this, the scares aren't there, the story is not there, the acting is not there, there is nothing there. FOR THE FUCKING LOVE OF CHRIST THERE IS NOTHING TO SEE IN THIS GOD DAMNED SHIT FEST OF A MOVIE AND WASTE OF 90 MINUTES.
The premise is that Katie has been haunted all her life by something, so when the hauntings start again, her boyfriend Micah decides to buy a camera and document everything that happens to them.
The problem with the movie is that nothing really happens to them. They argue about the camera, they argue about whether they should get help, they go to bed, they get scared by thuds and doors slamming, repeat ad nausea until you're almost begging for them to just die already.
The male lead has atrocious dialog and delivers it even worse. You ever watch a POV porno, and the guy totally ruins it by talking and talking and the more you listen to him the softer your cock gets because it's clear he's a functional retard? Ok, now stretch that out over an entire movie. There comes a point about halfway through the movie where the tedium of listening to the guy makes you hate the girl, because anyone with half a brain would just fucking get rid of him. She cries, she yells, he tells her it'll be ok.........she relents. Rinse and repeat. It's a fucking chore to watch.
Now then, the big pull of the film are the supposed frights, and as I said, there are a couple of jump moments. But just like the horrible repetitive dialog, there is a repetitive setup to every jump moment. Once you've seen the first one you know when all the other ones are coming, you're just waiting for it.
The idea of the camera and all the footage being found is interesting, but by the 3rd time they react to what's supposed to be a frightening situation by grabbing the camera you just wanna strangle them both. It doesn't take long for it to become more of a detriment to the film than it is an asset to the scares.
Rotten Tomatos has this at 85%. I am so past perplexed that I can't even imagine what these people could have seen in this movie not just to give it a good rating, but to find ANYTHING good about it.
Believe me when I tell you this, the scares aren't there, the story is not there, the acting is not there, there is nothing there. FOR THE FUCKING LOVE OF CHRIST THERE IS NOTHING TO SEE IN THIS GOD DAMNED SHIT FEST OF A MOVIE AND WASTE OF 90 MINUTES.
2009 Horror Fest: Bigfoot: 30 Out Of 100 Stars
Man oh man. When I saw there was a film about Bigfoot, co starring and co produced by Angie Everheart and Richard Tyson, I nearly ejaculated upon myself.
I was brought back down to earth when I learned that it was pretty much nothing more than a kids movie, a Harry And The Hendersons for the Aughts.
Anyway, judging as best as I can. I can't say that it's not all that great.
The setups and reactions move too fast and people seem to be way too accepting of a Bigfoot amongst them.
The love story between the teens takes 1 interaction to develop into a relationship. The boy is rather nonplussed when he first sees the Bigfoot.
All in all it's just a goofy comedy, slash friendship story that's been done hundreds of times.
10 points for Angies breasts which can't be ignored even when she's playing a straight laced mom. 10 Points for Richard Tyson being fucking Richard Tyson, and 10 points for the teenage girls ass.
I was brought back down to earth when I learned that it was pretty much nothing more than a kids movie, a Harry And The Hendersons for the Aughts.
Anyway, judging as best as I can. I can't say that it's not all that great.
The setups and reactions move too fast and people seem to be way too accepting of a Bigfoot amongst them.
The love story between the teens takes 1 interaction to develop into a relationship. The boy is rather nonplussed when he first sees the Bigfoot.
All in all it's just a goofy comedy, slash friendship story that's been done hundreds of times.
10 points for Angies breasts which can't be ignored even when she's playing a straight laced mom. 10 Points for Richard Tyson being fucking Richard Tyson, and 10 points for the teenage girls ass.
2009 Horror Fest: House Of The Demon: 25 Out Of 100 Stars
The opening credits inform us that this movie contains a special appearance by wrestler Jorge "Coyote" Ortiz. I was a bit flummoxed as to who this Coyote was or why he constituted a special appearance chyron. I put 2 and 2 together when I saw that the Producer and co-star was named George Ortiz. Now either this is gonna be a pretty good movie with a couple of solid guys in charge or it's gonna be a shit fest engineered by a couple of Latin fellas who have an opinion of themselves that is wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy to high. Guess which it turned out to be?
Right away I know I'm in for a low budget affair as a college class is being conducted on a stage for no apparent reason. The audio is pretty bad, as if the camera isn't right on someone it's very hard to hear what was being said. This caused me to miss a good chunk of dialog but somehow I soldiered on. Hey, if the director doesn't give a fuck, why should I?
Anyhoo, the leads Grandfather has been disappeared for a while now and he's just been declared legally dead, willing his old house to our lead.
The leads best friend is a guy who is dressed like this.
Don't be afraid to stereotype, his character acts exactly the way you'd expect someone dressed like that to act.
Now then, we have the lead and his girlfriend and her little sister who's some sort of Twlight goth teen. The best friend and his girlfriend. A black friend who's girlfriend isn't there for a reason I could not hear. And a Mexican dude played by George Ortiz who's dialog all appears to be in jokes that make no sense whatsoever.
So this group, sullen by the fact that the PC police have shut down the frat Halloween party, decide to trek out to the old house and have their own Halloween party.
Greatness ensues when they show up at the house "in the middle of nowhere" and you notice a parking lot just off of the driveway, full of cars, and then what appears to be a pancake house right in front of that. It's made even better by the fact that as soon as you see those two things one of the characters utters "we're in the middle of nowhere." Awe Some.
At this point despite the wooden and/or shitty acting, I thought that we had a chance at a halfway decent film as we've got a group of youngsters including a couple of hotties, in an abandoned house that's being haunted by a demon.
Boy was I wrong.
I don't know where the hell they were filming but they clearly had next to no room, as most of the scenes are done either in a cramped hallway or in front of a kitchen sink. There was a lot of talk about a living room but I don't believe we ever saw it.
Secondly, the editing and shooting was just atrocious. People would walk up stairs and then walk down a hallway, past the stairs. People would run down and up stairs, and then appear to be in the opposite direction of where they just went. The last 40 minutes of the movie are spent in the house and for the life of me I couldn't tell you how many or where any of the rooms are.
Here's a clip that encompasses the wonderful acting and directing ability George Ortiz offers.
Anyhoo, 1 by 1 the party goers get attacked and some are turned into demons, some are just killed. This all leads to a showdown between the kid who was willed the house and the demon. Macbeth it aint.
Following this we get just the most awful scene that I can't decide if it's supposed to be sort of funny, all funny, or just sadly inept.
Listen, there are a ton of things that can be blamed on having no budget, almost everything wrong with this movie however is just shitty writing, acting, directing, cinematography, and decision making in general. The Demon is laughable, there's almost no partying, none of the chicks get naked, the editing is atrocious, the sets or whatever the fuck they were, are abysmal. The acting and characters are hideously bad, the blocking is some of the worst I've ever seen for a movie that went for than 50 minutes. I could go on and on.
Part of me wants to say it's so bad that it's some fun to watch, but really it's just kind of tedious to watch, as the directing and camera work is so low rent that it will probably cause most viewers headaches. Seriously, and I'm not joking here, the best part of the film is the credits, as the song at least sounds professionally done and the visuals are decent.
No need whatsoever, on any plane of existence, to visit The House Of The Demon.
Right away I know I'm in for a low budget affair as a college class is being conducted on a stage for no apparent reason. The audio is pretty bad, as if the camera isn't right on someone it's very hard to hear what was being said. This caused me to miss a good chunk of dialog but somehow I soldiered on. Hey, if the director doesn't give a fuck, why should I?
Anyhoo, the leads Grandfather has been disappeared for a while now and he's just been declared legally dead, willing his old house to our lead.
The leads best friend is a guy who is dressed like this.
Don't be afraid to stereotype, his character acts exactly the way you'd expect someone dressed like that to act.
Now then, we have the lead and his girlfriend and her little sister who's some sort of Twlight goth teen. The best friend and his girlfriend. A black friend who's girlfriend isn't there for a reason I could not hear. And a Mexican dude played by George Ortiz who's dialog all appears to be in jokes that make no sense whatsoever.
So this group, sullen by the fact that the PC police have shut down the frat Halloween party, decide to trek out to the old house and have their own Halloween party.
Greatness ensues when they show up at the house "in the middle of nowhere" and you notice a parking lot just off of the driveway, full of cars, and then what appears to be a pancake house right in front of that. It's made even better by the fact that as soon as you see those two things one of the characters utters "we're in the middle of nowhere." Awe Some.
At this point despite the wooden and/or shitty acting, I thought that we had a chance at a halfway decent film as we've got a group of youngsters including a couple of hotties, in an abandoned house that's being haunted by a demon.
Boy was I wrong.
I don't know where the hell they were filming but they clearly had next to no room, as most of the scenes are done either in a cramped hallway or in front of a kitchen sink. There was a lot of talk about a living room but I don't believe we ever saw it.
Secondly, the editing and shooting was just atrocious. People would walk up stairs and then walk down a hallway, past the stairs. People would run down and up stairs, and then appear to be in the opposite direction of where they just went. The last 40 minutes of the movie are spent in the house and for the life of me I couldn't tell you how many or where any of the rooms are.
Here's a clip that encompasses the wonderful acting and directing ability George Ortiz offers.
Anyhoo, 1 by 1 the party goers get attacked and some are turned into demons, some are just killed. This all leads to a showdown between the kid who was willed the house and the demon. Macbeth it aint.
Following this we get just the most awful scene that I can't decide if it's supposed to be sort of funny, all funny, or just sadly inept.
Listen, there are a ton of things that can be blamed on having no budget, almost everything wrong with this movie however is just shitty writing, acting, directing, cinematography, and decision making in general. The Demon is laughable, there's almost no partying, none of the chicks get naked, the editing is atrocious, the sets or whatever the fuck they were, are abysmal. The acting and characters are hideously bad, the blocking is some of the worst I've ever seen for a movie that went for than 50 minutes. I could go on and on.
Part of me wants to say it's so bad that it's some fun to watch, but really it's just kind of tedious to watch, as the directing and camera work is so low rent that it will probably cause most viewers headaches. Seriously, and I'm not joking here, the best part of the film is the credits, as the song at least sounds professionally done and the visuals are decent.
No need whatsoever, on any plane of existence, to visit The House Of The Demon.
2009 Horror Fest: Wrong Turn 3: 10 Out Of 100 Stars
The 10 points is only because at times it borders on "so bad, it's somewhat interesting". I mean, you watch it and you wonder what the fuck the writers and makers of it intended it to be.
For those unfamiliar with the series, the original Wrong Turn was a perfectly acceptable little horror film that starred Eliza Dushku. The second one had no Eliza Dushku, and was the movie going equivalent of prison rape. Just beyond awful. So imagine my surprise when I saw that they had decided to make a third movie. Not one to pre judge, I was ready to give it a shot. I mean, let's be fair, the basic premise of a bunch of homicidal, backwoods mutant cannibal people is a pretty good starting spot.
Unfortunately for the viewer, the makers of the film decided to pretty much forgo the formula and give us a Lifetime movie.
I was actually excited when the film began with 2 young couples rafting down the river in the familiar backwoods. Cool, I thought to myself, some naked chicks, some chase, some gore, pretty nice setup. But then I realized the chicks weren't that hot, the dialog was pretty shitty and the mutants makeup was hilariously bad. I mean, it looked like a rubber mask for fuck sakes. Anyhoo, this all turned out to be preamble, as 3 of the 4 kids are killed, revealing the god awful CGI that would be on display for the rest of the film.
Now the film moves on to the main story that starts in a prison. The leader of the Mexican gang, who is so barely Spanish he might as well be Martin Sheen, has cut a deal with his nemesis, the leader of the Aryans, who is not quite buff or menacing enough to be believable. The prisoners are set to be transferred, and the Mexican has payed the Aryan to have his boys hijack the bus and help them escape. Boy, that was a run on sentence. Anyway, besides our 2 baddies we have 2 young cops, one white, one black, I'll let you guess who lasts longer. There's a scene where the white cop is introduced to an undercover agent posing as an inmate who'll be on the bus in case anything bad happens. The warden also announces that they're moving the time of the transfer up to throw a wrench in any potential hijack plans. This scene is interesting for 2 reasons. Firstly the undercover cop plays no further part in the story, and secondly, as they're getting on the bus the Aryan tells the Mexican not to worry because he's gotten word out to his boys about the schedule change. Making of course the entire previous scene worthless.
So these hardcore lifer inmates are loaded on a single bus with 3 cops, 1 of whom is driving, and no caravan of any sort. Luckily the warden has also remapped the drive so that it takes them into the middle of nowhere. But that's ok, becuase the white cop is from that part of the middle of nowhere, so everything will be ok.
There's a bunch of useless shit including a sheriff and his female deputy out there in that middle of nowhere. The Sheriff of course knows the white cop, and they have a nice reunion when the bus stops at the police station, err, cabin, to let the prisoners pee.
So after all this useless, horrid dialog and back story, the bus gets back on the road, and by hook or mutant crook, something bad happens to the bus, leaving all it's passengers abandoned down in the woods. For the next 10 hours or so we're treated to walking. Walking. Walking. Walking and talking. And talking. They threaten each other, they stumble on an old armored car, that of course is still filled with money. They walk and talk and threaten and repeat the same conversations over and over and over. All the inmates have guns, they all threaten to shoot each other, they all argue over the money, they all talk and talk and talk and never do anything.
Of course they stumble upon a mutant and his kid, who by the way are the only mutants in the movie whereas the previous film was full of them. Maybe they only had 2 masks. The inmates kill the mutant kid which sets up them being hunted by the irate dad. The crew is joined by the lone survivor from the movies opening scene, a plain, below average actress who cozies right up to our plain, below average acting lead. Anyway, shit happens, people act and do the dumbest things. People get killed and nobody reacts in a normal way. It's just all so insipidly tedious.
There are multiple false finishes which was aggravating me because I was ready to go do something more exciting like drive a nail into my cock.
The best part of this movie comes when we're treated the Sheriffs female deputy talking on the phone and I noticed she had really gorgeous eyes. That 10 seconds was awesome. The other hour and a half, not so much.
For those unfamiliar with the series, the original Wrong Turn was a perfectly acceptable little horror film that starred Eliza Dushku. The second one had no Eliza Dushku, and was the movie going equivalent of prison rape. Just beyond awful. So imagine my surprise when I saw that they had decided to make a third movie. Not one to pre judge, I was ready to give it a shot. I mean, let's be fair, the basic premise of a bunch of homicidal, backwoods mutant cannibal people is a pretty good starting spot.
Unfortunately for the viewer, the makers of the film decided to pretty much forgo the formula and give us a Lifetime movie.
I was actually excited when the film began with 2 young couples rafting down the river in the familiar backwoods. Cool, I thought to myself, some naked chicks, some chase, some gore, pretty nice setup. But then I realized the chicks weren't that hot, the dialog was pretty shitty and the mutants makeup was hilariously bad. I mean, it looked like a rubber mask for fuck sakes. Anyhoo, this all turned out to be preamble, as 3 of the 4 kids are killed, revealing the god awful CGI that would be on display for the rest of the film.
Now the film moves on to the main story that starts in a prison. The leader of the Mexican gang, who is so barely Spanish he might as well be Martin Sheen, has cut a deal with his nemesis, the leader of the Aryans, who is not quite buff or menacing enough to be believable. The prisoners are set to be transferred, and the Mexican has payed the Aryan to have his boys hijack the bus and help them escape. Boy, that was a run on sentence. Anyway, besides our 2 baddies we have 2 young cops, one white, one black, I'll let you guess who lasts longer. There's a scene where the white cop is introduced to an undercover agent posing as an inmate who'll be on the bus in case anything bad happens. The warden also announces that they're moving the time of the transfer up to throw a wrench in any potential hijack plans. This scene is interesting for 2 reasons. Firstly the undercover cop plays no further part in the story, and secondly, as they're getting on the bus the Aryan tells the Mexican not to worry because he's gotten word out to his boys about the schedule change. Making of course the entire previous scene worthless.
So these hardcore lifer inmates are loaded on a single bus with 3 cops, 1 of whom is driving, and no caravan of any sort. Luckily the warden has also remapped the drive so that it takes them into the middle of nowhere. But that's ok, becuase the white cop is from that part of the middle of nowhere, so everything will be ok.
There's a bunch of useless shit including a sheriff and his female deputy out there in that middle of nowhere. The Sheriff of course knows the white cop, and they have a nice reunion when the bus stops at the police station, err, cabin, to let the prisoners pee.
So after all this useless, horrid dialog and back story, the bus gets back on the road, and by hook or mutant crook, something bad happens to the bus, leaving all it's passengers abandoned down in the woods. For the next 10 hours or so we're treated to walking. Walking. Walking. Walking and talking. And talking. They threaten each other, they stumble on an old armored car, that of course is still filled with money. They walk and talk and threaten and repeat the same conversations over and over and over. All the inmates have guns, they all threaten to shoot each other, they all argue over the money, they all talk and talk and talk and never do anything.
Of course they stumble upon a mutant and his kid, who by the way are the only mutants in the movie whereas the previous film was full of them. Maybe they only had 2 masks. The inmates kill the mutant kid which sets up them being hunted by the irate dad. The crew is joined by the lone survivor from the movies opening scene, a plain, below average actress who cozies right up to our plain, below average acting lead. Anyway, shit happens, people act and do the dumbest things. People get killed and nobody reacts in a normal way. It's just all so insipidly tedious.
There are multiple false finishes which was aggravating me because I was ready to go do something more exciting like drive a nail into my cock.
The best part of this movie comes when we're treated the Sheriffs female deputy talking on the phone and I noticed she had really gorgeous eyes. That 10 seconds was awesome. The other hour and a half, not so much.
2009 Horror Fest: Trick 'r Treat: 68 Out Of 100 Stars
A fun little throwback movie that intertwines many stories of horror and comedy, set in a single town on Halloween night.
The best thing about the film is that it brings the ambiance of Halloween in spades. From the opening shot of a leaf covered sidewalk with lit jack-o-lanterns in the background, the film gets the vibe of Halloween down to a tee and is wonderfully shot all the way through.
The stories are all above average with some being better than others and they way they intermix is well done. I really want to rate it higher but I had a slight issue with maybe too much going on. It's not that stuff was bad, it's just that there are periods of lulls where little things go on that bridge story to story, and I dunno, It just didn't quite work for me, I really don't know how to explain it.
We have a principal admonishing a chunky child for being mischievous, A group of hotties looking for a fun party, a group of tweens going on a scavenger hunt to help appease the souls of an urban legend and finally a cranky old man who doesn't much like Halloween. All the stories have more to them of course but I won't divulge much more.
Ok, I think it just hit me. Here's the thing, the tone of the film sort of changes too much. Funny then scary, then funny, then sexy. It's uneven, that's a better way to explain it.
Anyway, the best story by far involves the tweens. I was even beginning to get skeeved out when I started lusting after what I thought was a 14 year old. Turns out it was Anna Pacquin who was 27 at the time of filming, so I felt a little better.
If you're into fun Halloween movies with a good amount of frights and gore but not overly so, give this one a go, It's a treat.
The best thing about the film is that it brings the ambiance of Halloween in spades. From the opening shot of a leaf covered sidewalk with lit jack-o-lanterns in the background, the film gets the vibe of Halloween down to a tee and is wonderfully shot all the way through.
The stories are all above average with some being better than others and they way they intermix is well done. I really want to rate it higher but I had a slight issue with maybe too much going on. It's not that stuff was bad, it's just that there are periods of lulls where little things go on that bridge story to story, and I dunno, It just didn't quite work for me, I really don't know how to explain it.
We have a principal admonishing a chunky child for being mischievous, A group of hotties looking for a fun party, a group of tweens going on a scavenger hunt to help appease the souls of an urban legend and finally a cranky old man who doesn't much like Halloween. All the stories have more to them of course but I won't divulge much more.
Ok, I think it just hit me. Here's the thing, the tone of the film sort of changes too much. Funny then scary, then funny, then sexy. It's uneven, that's a better way to explain it.
Anyway, the best story by far involves the tweens. I was even beginning to get skeeved out when I started lusting after what I thought was a 14 year old. Turns out it was Anna Pacquin who was 27 at the time of filming, so I felt a little better.
If you're into fun Halloween movies with a good amount of frights and gore but not overly so, give this one a go, It's a treat.
2009 Horror Fest: The Farmhouse: 28 Out Of 100 Stars
What's worse than shit? Boring shit. Unassuming, uncharismatic leads giving run of the mill dialog badly in the middle of every horror film cliche imaginable, even though I think it's trying to be a psychological thriller most of the time.
A young couple looking to start over after a tragedy hits them (the tragedy is pieced together in flashbacks), heads out across country to begin anew. Unfortunately they run into car trouble and end up at the farmhouse of Wings' Steven Weber and his wife. Weber and his wife are pretty good, but the material is so schlocky that it's impossible for them to be taken seriously.
There's a bit of gore and what's supposed to be suspense but as I said, the leads are almost impossible to become invested in so it's sort of just boring. There's some mild sexual stuff and Webbers wife is a hottie but it's just not enough.
The film wraps up with a bit of a twist but by then I just couldn't have cared less.
Even if you're out of gas, don't stay at The Farmhouse, It sucks.
A young couple looking to start over after a tragedy hits them (the tragedy is pieced together in flashbacks), heads out across country to begin anew. Unfortunately they run into car trouble and end up at the farmhouse of Wings' Steven Weber and his wife. Weber and his wife are pretty good, but the material is so schlocky that it's impossible for them to be taken seriously.
There's a bit of gore and what's supposed to be suspense but as I said, the leads are almost impossible to become invested in so it's sort of just boring. There's some mild sexual stuff and Webbers wife is a hottie but it's just not enough.
The film wraps up with a bit of a twist but by then I just couldn't have cared less.
Even if you're out of gas, don't stay at The Farmhouse, It sucks.
2009 Horror Fest: Satans Schoolgirls: 11 Out Of 100 Stars
Low in budget and running time, it clocks in at 61 minutes, Satans Schoolgirls plays as a comedic, softcore porn, horror hybrid, that pretty much fails drastically in all 3 aspects.
We open with what's supposed to be a satanic ritual but looks more like an emo kid with epilepsy. From there we have a priest masturbating and getting murdered in a way the directors seemed to find much funnier than I did (Outtakes run over the credits).
The story, and i use that term loosely, is that a satanic cult deep in the New Jersey woods was smacked down by the ATF and a Catholic school for wayward girls opened up on the grounds. It sounds vaguely interesting if done right, but this is not done right. At all.
The problem is twofold. Firstly there is obviously almost no budget as every interior seems to be shot in someones very small bedroom. It gives the movie a very fake feeling. The gore is very basic and there are almost no effects short of blood caps and random shots of red fluid dripping on the ground. Hard to be a horror movie when the horror is nonexistent.
The second problem is that the filmmakers don't seem to be making a movie as much as they are a random assortment of unfunny comedic scenes and softcore porn. It's just a hodgepodge of stupidity that really took all the effort I had from turning it off. And the sad thing is that all 5 girls in the movie are pretty hot. I've never been so bored watching hot chicks get naked. And every scene transition features a long shot of headstones in a cemetery. Like, a lot. Like at least 10 times in the movie. By the end I was wanting to jump in one of the graves.
The final scene of the movie is interesting because it turns out the male lead is a damn good actor, too bad for us we had to wait 50 minutes to see him do anything.
Anyway, this junk is barely above a home movie, and not even a good home movie.
Satans Schoolgirls may seem like a fun group to hang out with, but trust me, they'll just bore you to death.
We open with what's supposed to be a satanic ritual but looks more like an emo kid with epilepsy. From there we have a priest masturbating and getting murdered in a way the directors seemed to find much funnier than I did (Outtakes run over the credits).
The story, and i use that term loosely, is that a satanic cult deep in the New Jersey woods was smacked down by the ATF and a Catholic school for wayward girls opened up on the grounds. It sounds vaguely interesting if done right, but this is not done right. At all.
The problem is twofold. Firstly there is obviously almost no budget as every interior seems to be shot in someones very small bedroom. It gives the movie a very fake feeling. The gore is very basic and there are almost no effects short of blood caps and random shots of red fluid dripping on the ground. Hard to be a horror movie when the horror is nonexistent.
The second problem is that the filmmakers don't seem to be making a movie as much as they are a random assortment of unfunny comedic scenes and softcore porn. It's just a hodgepodge of stupidity that really took all the effort I had from turning it off. And the sad thing is that all 5 girls in the movie are pretty hot. I've never been so bored watching hot chicks get naked. And every scene transition features a long shot of headstones in a cemetery. Like, a lot. Like at least 10 times in the movie. By the end I was wanting to jump in one of the graves.
The final scene of the movie is interesting because it turns out the male lead is a damn good actor, too bad for us we had to wait 50 minutes to see him do anything.
Anyway, this junk is barely above a home movie, and not even a good home movie.
Satans Schoolgirls may seem like a fun group to hang out with, but trust me, they'll just bore you to death.
2009 Horror Fest: The Hills Run Red: 16 Out Of 100 Stars
What a wonderful job this film does of making me just not care. IMDB has it at a 5.8, a lot of people seem to enjoy it. I am perplexed. This review will contain spoilers for the simple reason that you shouldn't watch this movie under any circumstances, so if it's ruined for you, well I've done you a service.
The premise is good. Although by the end it sort of gets taken away with itself. Unfortunately for this film there is more to a movie than just a premise, and that's about where this clunker ran out of steam.
We start off with an aspiring filmmaker, or film historian, or whatever, I'm not sure. It was never explained. Our hero is fascinated with an early 80's film entitled The Hills Run Red, which was so violent and disturbing that it was pulled after just a few showings. The director and every print of the film soon disappeared, leaving just a trailer and a few promotional items to history. Decent enough idea and jumping off point. I should have, in fact, jumped off here.
In the first 15 minutes we get the following things, A lead by a never seen character concerning the whereabouts of the directors daughter, an affair between the leads best friend and girlfriend, the lead finds the daughter in a strip club and gets her off drugs so that she'll help him find the lost reels of her dads film. We're even treated to a detoxing montage for a character who we've seen for about 2 minutes. It's hilariously unnecessary.
So then, once we get all "character development" out of the way, the group of four head to the remote house where the film was shot. Perfectly enough, it's set deep in the woods in the middle of nowhere. From there it devolves into your usual chase, slash and capture fest. That is until the final few scenes when stuff just gets overly silly again. Characters have arguments that are so preposterous and exist out of nowhere that I really wanted to shoot myself in the head.
The first 30 and last 30 minutes of the film are disturbingly shitty and contain both unnecessary and unwanted character "development" and that is sandwiched by 30 minutes of fairly boring chase movie standardness.
Only Sophie Monk. as the daughter Alexa, stands out in any way onscreen. Every other character is just there and brings almost nothing to the film, or worse just makes you not care. Screen veteran William Sadler as the director daddy is just goofy, even though I'm sure he was aiming for maniacal. It's just a dunce of a film that can't be taken seriously in any way.
There's some boob and some teased rape but that's about it. A few gore spots are nice but not a movie does it make.
The Hills may Run Red but they also run stupid. Avoid.
The premise is good. Although by the end it sort of gets taken away with itself. Unfortunately for this film there is more to a movie than just a premise, and that's about where this clunker ran out of steam.
We start off with an aspiring filmmaker, or film historian, or whatever, I'm not sure. It was never explained. Our hero is fascinated with an early 80's film entitled The Hills Run Red, which was so violent and disturbing that it was pulled after just a few showings. The director and every print of the film soon disappeared, leaving just a trailer and a few promotional items to history. Decent enough idea and jumping off point. I should have, in fact, jumped off here.
In the first 15 minutes we get the following things, A lead by a never seen character concerning the whereabouts of the directors daughter, an affair between the leads best friend and girlfriend, the lead finds the daughter in a strip club and gets her off drugs so that she'll help him find the lost reels of her dads film. We're even treated to a detoxing montage for a character who we've seen for about 2 minutes. It's hilariously unnecessary.
So then, once we get all "character development" out of the way, the group of four head to the remote house where the film was shot. Perfectly enough, it's set deep in the woods in the middle of nowhere. From there it devolves into your usual chase, slash and capture fest. That is until the final few scenes when stuff just gets overly silly again. Characters have arguments that are so preposterous and exist out of nowhere that I really wanted to shoot myself in the head.
The first 30 and last 30 minutes of the film are disturbingly shitty and contain both unnecessary and unwanted character "development" and that is sandwiched by 30 minutes of fairly boring chase movie standardness.
Only Sophie Monk. as the daughter Alexa, stands out in any way onscreen. Every other character is just there and brings almost nothing to the film, or worse just makes you not care. Screen veteran William Sadler as the director daddy is just goofy, even though I'm sure he was aiming for maniacal. It's just a dunce of a film that can't be taken seriously in any way.
There's some boob and some teased rape but that's about it. A few gore spots are nice but not a movie does it make.
The Hills may Run Red but they also run stupid. Avoid.
2009 Horror Fest: Deadgirl: 72 Out Of 100 Stars
Two "wrong side of the tracks" teenagers are hanging out in the catacombs of an abandoned Mental Hospital when they happen upon what appears to be a dead girl tied down to a table and wrapped in plastic. I wont spoil much of what happens next, but safe to say that decisions are made and things are found out about what initially appears to be a corpse that leads to the backbone of the film.
The two leads are pretty damn awesome, Noah Segan as JT and Shiloh Fernandez as Rickie, and they both elevate the script. Anyhoo, JT, upon realizing the girl is not quite dead, decides he wants to have some fun with her. Rickie argues against it but gets sent away. We will find out later that the girl, although not dead, is not quite alive either.
From there the movie follows a couple of paths. JT's descent into madness as he spends more and more time with the girl, using her as a sex slave, and Rickie who wants to not have anything to do with what's happening, but having no way to un know what he knows. Rickies story is further diverged as the film explores the feelings he still has for his boyhood sweetheart and although it's a rather familiar story, the actor does great work with it.
Eventually all roads collide as more people are made aware of what's going on down in the catacombs and the secret gets harder and harder to keep, leading to a pretty sweet ending.
Much of the movie is rather pedestrian in dialog and build up, but as I said, the actors convey the emotions so well that they rise up over the lulls. The last 30 minutes of the film are it's strong point as the gore and comedy sort of come together before the morality tale reaches it's conclusion.
Not in any way your typical zombie movie, but a strong use of the genre nun the less, Deadgirl is a pretty damn good film. Think Pretty In Pink from a male point of view with 2 unrequited loves. One alive, the other a Deadgirl.
The two leads are pretty damn awesome, Noah Segan as JT and Shiloh Fernandez as Rickie, and they both elevate the script. Anyhoo, JT, upon realizing the girl is not quite dead, decides he wants to have some fun with her. Rickie argues against it but gets sent away. We will find out later that the girl, although not dead, is not quite alive either.
From there the movie follows a couple of paths. JT's descent into madness as he spends more and more time with the girl, using her as a sex slave, and Rickie who wants to not have anything to do with what's happening, but having no way to un know what he knows. Rickies story is further diverged as the film explores the feelings he still has for his boyhood sweetheart and although it's a rather familiar story, the actor does great work with it.
Eventually all roads collide as more people are made aware of what's going on down in the catacombs and the secret gets harder and harder to keep, leading to a pretty sweet ending.
Much of the movie is rather pedestrian in dialog and build up, but as I said, the actors convey the emotions so well that they rise up over the lulls. The last 30 minutes of the film are it's strong point as the gore and comedy sort of come together before the morality tale reaches it's conclusion.
Not in any way your typical zombie movie, but a strong use of the genre nun the less, Deadgirl is a pretty damn good film. Think Pretty In Pink from a male point of view with 2 unrequited loves. One alive, the other a Deadgirl.
2009 Horror Fest: Infestation: 80 Out Of 100 Stars
I honestly was not expecting much more than your typical low rent creature feature from the DVD version of this Scy-Fy movie, but I was happily wrong. This here is a fucking fun movie.
It takes about 2 minutes of screen time for the first surprise of the movie to hit and from there the writer clearly has no problem throwing them out fast and furious and by and large they work really well to create a tense, fun and fresh take on the genre.
At the base of the movie is a story we've all seen before, but it's what the filmmakers do with it that elevates it above the norm. The dialog, the interplay between characters, the rather unique villains and the journey taken by our hero are all masterfully executed so that even if you know what's coming, it's still enjoyable to watch.
Chris Marquette stars as the quippy lead and while he pushes his character to the edge of annoyance he never quite goes overboard and during the second half of the movie evolves into a fun character.
I won't get too much into the other characters because a lot of the fun comes from who does and doesn't get picked off, but the supporting cast is solid and veteran actor Ray Wise (you'll know him when you see him) is fan fucking tastic.
Good characters, sharp dialog, good effects, some real nice kills and surprises all add up to a way above average genre movie that deserves some praise heaped on it so I here I am to do just that. DVD version also has some nice titty.
Take it from me, this is one Infestation you wont mind having in your home.
It takes about 2 minutes of screen time for the first surprise of the movie to hit and from there the writer clearly has no problem throwing them out fast and furious and by and large they work really well to create a tense, fun and fresh take on the genre.
At the base of the movie is a story we've all seen before, but it's what the filmmakers do with it that elevates it above the norm. The dialog, the interplay between characters, the rather unique villains and the journey taken by our hero are all masterfully executed so that even if you know what's coming, it's still enjoyable to watch.
Chris Marquette stars as the quippy lead and while he pushes his character to the edge of annoyance he never quite goes overboard and during the second half of the movie evolves into a fun character.
I won't get too much into the other characters because a lot of the fun comes from who does and doesn't get picked off, but the supporting cast is solid and veteran actor Ray Wise (you'll know him when you see him) is fan fucking tastic.
Good characters, sharp dialog, good effects, some real nice kills and surprises all add up to a way above average genre movie that deserves some praise heaped on it so I here I am to do just that. DVD version also has some nice titty.
Take it from me, this is one Infestation you wont mind having in your home.
2009 Horror Fest: Fetus: 20 Out Of 100 Stars
Really had no idea how to rate this movie cause there's just so much awesomely horrible and horribly horrible stuff happening almost simultaneously throughout the whole thing.
Pure gore movie that would serve better as a reel for a fledgling effects company than an actual film.
Let's see, we start with a scene of a woman giving birth and miscarrying and then the mother dies during delivery. Right away it's super gory and sick and we also get a glimpse of the level of "acting" we're gonna see in the film.
So the distraught dad comes home and emotes some before going out and getting a book about spells at which point the movie kicks into high gear and he starts murdering the doctors in the most vile and insidious ways. The gore looks really good but in the context and with the lead actors acting it just comes across as frighteningly silly instead of frightening.
From there the movie starts to make less and less sense as there is almost no dialog and what dialog there is is barely audible. Instead we get constant shitty scary music and lots and lots and lots and lots of disgusting stuff and lots and lots and lots of bad acting.
Lets see what you, the viewer, can look forward too if you decide to watch this movie. Rape of a corpse, a penis being ripped off, a chick shooting herself in the vagina, a corpse squeezing out a birth pouch full of baby heads, pincher bugs crawling into a dudes cock, speakers being plugged into some sort of baby head laden pentagram thus regenerating half of the dudes wife, the female corpse giving birth to a monster, a dude giving birth to a baby and so on and so forth.
None of the second half of the movie made any fucking sense to me. There's a swerve at the end that makes no sense, nothing makes sense, NOTHING.
I mean if you think that shit sounds silly enough to sit and laugh at it or if you really like over the top but pretty realistic gore then I guess maybe you'll enjoy the movie.
One last note on the film and film in general. Dudes, no matter how badly you want to act, you don't have to cast yourself in your own movies. Nobody wants to watch bushy headed fat dudes who can't act, attempt to do so for 80 minutes.
Pure gore movie that would serve better as a reel for a fledgling effects company than an actual film.
Let's see, we start with a scene of a woman giving birth and miscarrying and then the mother dies during delivery. Right away it's super gory and sick and we also get a glimpse of the level of "acting" we're gonna see in the film.
So the distraught dad comes home and emotes some before going out and getting a book about spells at which point the movie kicks into high gear and he starts murdering the doctors in the most vile and insidious ways. The gore looks really good but in the context and with the lead actors acting it just comes across as frighteningly silly instead of frightening.
From there the movie starts to make less and less sense as there is almost no dialog and what dialog there is is barely audible. Instead we get constant shitty scary music and lots and lots and lots and lots of disgusting stuff and lots and lots and lots of bad acting.
Lets see what you, the viewer, can look forward too if you decide to watch this movie. Rape of a corpse, a penis being ripped off, a chick shooting herself in the vagina, a corpse squeezing out a birth pouch full of baby heads, pincher bugs crawling into a dudes cock, speakers being plugged into some sort of baby head laden pentagram thus regenerating half of the dudes wife, the female corpse giving birth to a monster, a dude giving birth to a baby and so on and so forth.
None of the second half of the movie made any fucking sense to me. There's a swerve at the end that makes no sense, nothing makes sense, NOTHING.
I mean if you think that shit sounds silly enough to sit and laugh at it or if you really like over the top but pretty realistic gore then I guess maybe you'll enjoy the movie.
One last note on the film and film in general. Dudes, no matter how badly you want to act, you don't have to cast yourself in your own movies. Nobody wants to watch bushy headed fat dudes who can't act, attempt to do so for 80 minutes.
2009 Horror Fest: Fear House: 10 Out Of 100 Stars
Frighteningly bad and unoriginal "horror" film that is about as tedious a 90 minutes as you could imagine spending.
Take off on the monster house genre that offers nothing new in the way of story or characters, is shot very darkly, and uses 1 set yet is supposed to be a castle of sorts.
A horror writer rents out a supposed haunted house in the middle of nowhere to write her next novel and then is not heard from for almost a year. After an arbitrary time missing, a gaggle of her friends, relatives and associates all go looking for her at exactly the same time. We've got the brooding brother, the sleazy agent and his lovelorn assistant, the white trash ex husband and his white trash new bride and just for kicks the daughter of the owner house, who is also missing, comes along for the ride.
Once they all get inside they find the novelist who tells them that the house will never let them leave because...yadda yadda, backstory, yadda yadda.
Anyway, all the characters are so wooden and ridiculous, there isn't a way anyone could care about any of them. The giant house is reduced to same living room and hallways in every scene, making the film feel claustrophobic to watch but not in any spooky way, just in an annoying way.
Shit happens that aint scarey, subplots develop between people in seconds, bad and overwrought acting and writing ensue. Add in some very cheesy drama and it's just a total mess.
Take off on the monster house genre that offers nothing new in the way of story or characters, is shot very darkly, and uses 1 set yet is supposed to be a castle of sorts.
A horror writer rents out a supposed haunted house in the middle of nowhere to write her next novel and then is not heard from for almost a year. After an arbitrary time missing, a gaggle of her friends, relatives and associates all go looking for her at exactly the same time. We've got the brooding brother, the sleazy agent and his lovelorn assistant, the white trash ex husband and his white trash new bride and just for kicks the daughter of the owner house, who is also missing, comes along for the ride.
Once they all get inside they find the novelist who tells them that the house will never let them leave because...yadda yadda, backstory, yadda yadda.
Anyway, all the characters are so wooden and ridiculous, there isn't a way anyone could care about any of them. The giant house is reduced to same living room and hallways in every scene, making the film feel claustrophobic to watch but not in any spooky way, just in an annoying way.
Shit happens that aint scarey, subplots develop between people in seconds, bad and overwrought acting and writing ensue. Add in some very cheesy drama and it's just a total mess.
2009 Horror Fest: Die You Zombie Bastards: 28 Out Of 100 Stars
All 28 points are pretty much for effort, and not so much for execution. Imagine a hyper 12 year old watching a Troma movie and being inspired to write a script about an alien who makes a machine that turns people into zombies and then kidnaps one half of a cannibalistic couple to make her his queen until her husband morphs into a skin cape wearing superhero and tracks him down to rescue his love. Ok then?
To say this movie is manic would be an understatement. There's a joke attempted every 5 seconds or so and hardly any of them work. The gore is cheesy, the women all look like they're straight out of the 1980's and not in a good way. But to be fair to the filmmakers the movie tries really fucking hard to be something different, so I gotta give them props for that. There are some funny lines, just not enough to make this a worthwhile view on a serious or kitschy level.
To say this movie is manic would be an understatement. There's a joke attempted every 5 seconds or so and hardly any of them work. The gore is cheesy, the women all look like they're straight out of the 1980's and not in a good way. But to be fair to the filmmakers the movie tries really fucking hard to be something different, so I gotta give them props for that. There are some funny lines, just not enough to make this a worthwhile view on a serious or kitschy level.
2009 Horror Fest: Killing Ariel: 67 Out Of 100 Stars
Above average, if disjointed horror romp, that has it's good and bad points.
The first half of the film starts out as a pretty good horror/thriller with some interesting happenings and tense moments, but not much of gore. At about the halfway point it breaks out into a gore comedy and get's pretty damn fun.
I really liked the overall story, and everything they did they did pretty well, but it's kind of odd how it goes from one extreme to the other, still a pretty original and intriguing script.
The biggest problem I had with the film is that it's very hard to watch. The colors and the lighting are not pleasant to look at and while everything going on is fine, it's a bit of drag to look at. The other main problem is that both leads are sort of bland, and while the male lead really sparkles once the comedic part of the film sets in, he's still rather drab. The female lead is supposed to be a sexpot but she's not all that hot and isn't erotic at all.
In the end we have a really good story that I'll not spoil that is offset by sub par casting and a bland visual tone. Still a fun watch.
The first half of the film starts out as a pretty good horror/thriller with some interesting happenings and tense moments, but not much of gore. At about the halfway point it breaks out into a gore comedy and get's pretty damn fun.
I really liked the overall story, and everything they did they did pretty well, but it's kind of odd how it goes from one extreme to the other, still a pretty original and intriguing script.
The biggest problem I had with the film is that it's very hard to watch. The colors and the lighting are not pleasant to look at and while everything going on is fine, it's a bit of drag to look at. The other main problem is that both leads are sort of bland, and while the male lead really sparkles once the comedic part of the film sets in, he's still rather drab. The female lead is supposed to be a sexpot but she's not all that hot and isn't erotic at all.
In the end we have a really good story that I'll not spoil that is offset by sub par casting and a bland visual tone. Still a fun watch.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
2009 Horror Fest: O.C. Babes And The Slasher Of Zombietown: 2 Out Of 100 Stars
Creep Creepersin. A name that will haunt me always.
When O saw a title like this available for download I jumped all over it, preparing myself for the cheesiest of cheese.
What I got however was not cheese, nor schlock, and certainly not a film. I don't even know how to accurately describe what I watched, but I do believe some sort of charges need to be pressed against the filmmakers and distributers for calling this a "movie" and attempting to sell it to people.
For starters, the total run time is 1:12:00 minutes. That's ok in itself, until you start watching and the opening credits last about 13 minutes, then the "film" ends at the 54 minute mark. Although I guess I should be thankful for that.
There's an opening scene to set the story up, but it's shot, as is the whole movie, on what appears to be a camera at least a decade old. Now this opening scene tries to establish something but I'm not sure what, because I couldn't hear what the "actors" were saying.
Next we have nearly 10 minutes of credits, some of which are shown over audio of a radio broadcast warning of the impending zombie doom that I'm almost certain the "director" lifted from another movie.
When the movie actually starts we're treated to 3 setup scenes introducing the characters, none of whom could possibly have any formal acting training. I mean, it's so atrocious that my thoughts turned to wanting to hang out with these people to see exactly what sort of sensibilities they have about life. How do they function? How do they see things? Can people this clearly unaware exist properly in society? Every person in the film up till this point has to know that they have no ability to write, act, film, or do anything involved with film making, and yet here they are on DVD, doing all those things.
It gets even worse when the main body of the story begins as all the characters end up in a bar together and........stuff happens. I honestly watched this whole thing, honest injun, and I really still don't know what happened. I mean, I couldn't hear what I suppose was the big climax because of the horrible audio.
But back to the basics for a moment. The dialog is putrid, but it doesn't matter because nobody can act. The blocking is horrible, as the bar clearly has 1, 6 foot hallway, yet thru ought the movie, people disappear as they go in search of people who are missing. At one point they even break into teams to go......well I don't know, because there's only 1 fucking hallway.
Now, onto the real ass fuck of the film. A clip from Night Of The Living Dead is shown. "OK" I think to myself, lots of movies show clips of people watching stuff on tv. But no, the director just intersperses clips of Night Of The Living Dead where the action in his movie is supposed to be occurring. At this point I was sure the filmmaker had to be 15 years old and had simply gotten his dads old video camera out of the garage, but it turns out the creator of this shit is an adult, which makes it all the sadder.
So as we continue, we get almost no gore because I'm assuming the budget on this thing is about $10 bucks. There appears to be some self effacing zombie movie references that are supposed to be funny but are not. And then there's the ending, which again I have no idea what happens, because I couldn't hear any of the dialog.
Just a horrid piece of........something, I wouldn't call it movie making. As the one review currently up on IMDB put it so perfectly "this is just stuff on film".
Whoever this Creep Creepersin guy is, I have to give him credit. Not on his ability to make a movie, all you need apparently is any sort of camera to do that. But to involve so many people in his work. That more than 5 people exist who are willing to take part in his world is a true accomplishment in itself.
When O saw a title like this available for download I jumped all over it, preparing myself for the cheesiest of cheese.
What I got however was not cheese, nor schlock, and certainly not a film. I don't even know how to accurately describe what I watched, but I do believe some sort of charges need to be pressed against the filmmakers and distributers for calling this a "movie" and attempting to sell it to people.
For starters, the total run time is 1:12:00 minutes. That's ok in itself, until you start watching and the opening credits last about 13 minutes, then the "film" ends at the 54 minute mark. Although I guess I should be thankful for that.
There's an opening scene to set the story up, but it's shot, as is the whole movie, on what appears to be a camera at least a decade old. Now this opening scene tries to establish something but I'm not sure what, because I couldn't hear what the "actors" were saying.
Next we have nearly 10 minutes of credits, some of which are shown over audio of a radio broadcast warning of the impending zombie doom that I'm almost certain the "director" lifted from another movie.
When the movie actually starts we're treated to 3 setup scenes introducing the characters, none of whom could possibly have any formal acting training. I mean, it's so atrocious that my thoughts turned to wanting to hang out with these people to see exactly what sort of sensibilities they have about life. How do they function? How do they see things? Can people this clearly unaware exist properly in society? Every person in the film up till this point has to know that they have no ability to write, act, film, or do anything involved with film making, and yet here they are on DVD, doing all those things.
It gets even worse when the main body of the story begins as all the characters end up in a bar together and........stuff happens. I honestly watched this whole thing, honest injun, and I really still don't know what happened. I mean, I couldn't hear what I suppose was the big climax because of the horrible audio.
But back to the basics for a moment. The dialog is putrid, but it doesn't matter because nobody can act. The blocking is horrible, as the bar clearly has 1, 6 foot hallway, yet thru ought the movie, people disappear as they go in search of people who are missing. At one point they even break into teams to go......well I don't know, because there's only 1 fucking hallway.
Now, onto the real ass fuck of the film. A clip from Night Of The Living Dead is shown. "OK" I think to myself, lots of movies show clips of people watching stuff on tv. But no, the director just intersperses clips of Night Of The Living Dead where the action in his movie is supposed to be occurring. At this point I was sure the filmmaker had to be 15 years old and had simply gotten his dads old video camera out of the garage, but it turns out the creator of this shit is an adult, which makes it all the sadder.
So as we continue, we get almost no gore because I'm assuming the budget on this thing is about $10 bucks. There appears to be some self effacing zombie movie references that are supposed to be funny but are not. And then there's the ending, which again I have no idea what happens, because I couldn't hear any of the dialog.
Just a horrid piece of........something, I wouldn't call it movie making. As the one review currently up on IMDB put it so perfectly "this is just stuff on film".
Whoever this Creep Creepersin guy is, I have to give him credit. Not on his ability to make a movie, all you need apparently is any sort of camera to do that. But to involve so many people in his work. That more than 5 people exist who are willing to take part in his world is a true accomplishment in itself.
2009 Horror Fest: Last House On The Left: 74 Out Of 100 Stars
Very solid film that seems to do everything well, yet doesn't quite resonate as well as it should for whatever reason. I've only seen bits and pieces of the original so I don't know how faithful this version is to it, but it stands pretty well on it's own.
I think the problem in the overall outcome of the film comes from the last act and the back and forth between the killer and the family that too easily falls into typical action movie give and take. To relate to wrestling terms we want the babyface dad to run wild and get his revenge but his partner has to keep saving his ass. Eventually he gets his revenge but it's lessened because of the help he needed.
Everything up until the 3rd act action is really well done. The killers are humanized nicely, making them even scarier. The showing of the dying cops kids to him, the rape, the treatment of the son, all of it sets the tone very nicely and would have been served much better if the third act of the film were more definitive.
Some pretty brutal violence, a nice rape, some sweet nearly underage sexuality and decent kills make for an overall fun time that could have veered into a really good film had it not gotten so by the numbers at the climax. The final scene is real out of place and doesn't have near the effect it would have had, had it been placed about 10 minutes earlier.
I think the problem in the overall outcome of the film comes from the last act and the back and forth between the killer and the family that too easily falls into typical action movie give and take. To relate to wrestling terms we want the babyface dad to run wild and get his revenge but his partner has to keep saving his ass. Eventually he gets his revenge but it's lessened because of the help he needed.
Everything up until the 3rd act action is really well done. The killers are humanized nicely, making them even scarier. The showing of the dying cops kids to him, the rape, the treatment of the son, all of it sets the tone very nicely and would have been served much better if the third act of the film were more definitive.
Some pretty brutal violence, a nice rape, some sweet nearly underage sexuality and decent kills make for an overall fun time that could have veered into a really good film had it not gotten so by the numbers at the climax. The final scene is real out of place and doesn't have near the effect it would have had, had it been placed about 10 minutes earlier.
2009 Horror Fest: House Of Usher: 12 Out Of 100 Stars
What a delightfully atrocious "film".
I may have read the Poe short story when I was younger but I really don't remember much of it, so I have no idea how loosely or closely this story is tied to that, it's certainly an updated version if it is though.
So, I figure a movie based on a Poe story can't be all bad. I was sooooo wrong.
For starters, all the acting is awful. ALL. DREADFUL even. The whole movie is monotone. Secondly, there is zero coherence to anything. The actors speak of longtime friendships and of things in their past, yet neither of the leads appears to be more than 20 years old. There's a horrid mix of Poe like speech and old time cadence mixed with updated language that sort of just jumps all over the place. There is also a bunch of male buttocks and softcore gay porn, which took me by surprise, to say the least.
So the story starts with a young man named Victor, who apparently has gotten a call from his old friend, asking him to come visit him at his house. Roderick Usher and his sister live in the house and appear to be from another world. The male Usher (often referred to as Ush by Victor) dresses like a civil war era Neo and speaks drolly and in large words for no reason. Turns out Victor and Usher were once in love and this leads into a passionate and long, jockey short tugging scene.
Anyway, a bunch of ghosts of former house workers, apparently killed by Usher, haunt the premises. They urge Victor to leave but he stays, for again, no apparent reason, until it's time to leave, which would be after the movies run long enough to be considered of adequate length.
The sister plays her role like some 1940's Hollywood damsel, inexplicably.
Lots of homo erotic shit, awful dialog, special effects that consist of a camera shaking to simulate a house falling down for minutes on end and just generally sub par acting.
There's a swerve at the end, but who cares.
In the end it's nothing more than a showcase for what happens when someone who can't write, joins up with someone who can't film, and hire actors who can't act, and I suppose a few of them are gay. It's not fun bad, but it is revealing bad, as I just sort of kept watching to see how totally encompassing the badness could be.
Avoid.
I may have read the Poe short story when I was younger but I really don't remember much of it, so I have no idea how loosely or closely this story is tied to that, it's certainly an updated version if it is though.
So, I figure a movie based on a Poe story can't be all bad. I was sooooo wrong.
For starters, all the acting is awful. ALL. DREADFUL even. The whole movie is monotone. Secondly, there is zero coherence to anything. The actors speak of longtime friendships and of things in their past, yet neither of the leads appears to be more than 20 years old. There's a horrid mix of Poe like speech and old time cadence mixed with updated language that sort of just jumps all over the place. There is also a bunch of male buttocks and softcore gay porn, which took me by surprise, to say the least.
So the story starts with a young man named Victor, who apparently has gotten a call from his old friend, asking him to come visit him at his house. Roderick Usher and his sister live in the house and appear to be from another world. The male Usher (often referred to as Ush by Victor) dresses like a civil war era Neo and speaks drolly and in large words for no reason. Turns out Victor and Usher were once in love and this leads into a passionate and long, jockey short tugging scene.
Anyway, a bunch of ghosts of former house workers, apparently killed by Usher, haunt the premises. They urge Victor to leave but he stays, for again, no apparent reason, until it's time to leave, which would be after the movies run long enough to be considered of adequate length.
The sister plays her role like some 1940's Hollywood damsel, inexplicably.
Lots of homo erotic shit, awful dialog, special effects that consist of a camera shaking to simulate a house falling down for minutes on end and just generally sub par acting.
There's a swerve at the end, but who cares.
In the end it's nothing more than a showcase for what happens when someone who can't write, joins up with someone who can't film, and hire actors who can't act, and I suppose a few of them are gay. It's not fun bad, but it is revealing bad, as I just sort of kept watching to see how totally encompassing the badness could be.
Avoid.
2009 Horror Fest: Feast 3, The Happy Finish: 55 Out Of 100 Stars
Gave this a slightly above average rating because if you've seen the first 2 then you pretty much have to see this one. And while it does contain some of the funness of the second one, it's just too drawn out and uneventful to get much more than a slightly above average rating.
The main problem is that we've seen all the swerves and high spots already, so when they happen here they illicit more of a giggle than a "whoa" reaction.
As the story picks up, we've got all the remaining characters from part 2 continuing to try and find an escape. A couple of characters get introduced but they don't add much weight to the overall product.
The kills are still good, the half naked babes with excellent tits are still good and there are some laughs to be had, but none of that really elevates the overall film very much when most of it is dimly lit and just chase, chase, chase. The ending is also fairly weird.
So, in the end what we have is a movie that takes most of the slow parts from part 2 and drags them out over another entire movie, resulting in a not so great conclusion to the trilogy, but still, the film is just as original as the first two, and in this day and age that's saying something.
The filmmakers had a tremendous concept, and very good execution, just not 3 films worth.
The main problem is that we've seen all the swerves and high spots already, so when they happen here they illicit more of a giggle than a "whoa" reaction.
As the story picks up, we've got all the remaining characters from part 2 continuing to try and find an escape. A couple of characters get introduced but they don't add much weight to the overall product.
The kills are still good, the half naked babes with excellent tits are still good and there are some laughs to be had, but none of that really elevates the overall film very much when most of it is dimly lit and just chase, chase, chase. The ending is also fairly weird.
So, in the end what we have is a movie that takes most of the slow parts from part 2 and drags them out over another entire movie, resulting in a not so great conclusion to the trilogy, but still, the film is just as original as the first two, and in this day and age that's saying something.
The filmmakers had a tremendous concept, and very good execution, just not 3 films worth.
2009 Horror Fest: Yeti, Curse Of The Snow Demon: 60 Out Of 100 Stars
Don't get me wrong, this is a horrid "movie" but it's cheesy enough to be worth a watch, though not so cheesy that it flows into greatness like some movies of this ilk. Probably gonna be a fair share of spoilers in this review, so be warned.
This is the story of the State College Grizzlies, on their way to Japan to play the first ever Bowl Game in that country. Now, when I say football team, there appear to be about 12 people on the plane, a bunch of which are women, trainers and such, so yeah.
The first glorious moment of the film is when we're introduced to the star Quarterback, a Mr. Peyton Elway. Yes.
Ok, so the plane flies into a storm over the Himalayas and of course it crashes, leaving a group of about 10 people alive. A couple of whom are selected to trek back and look for the planes tail section which holds the radio and communication equipment. The 2 unlucky fellas run into the snow demon, or yeti, or whatever the fuck it's supposed to be. It looks like what I imagine Lance Henriksen will look like about 5 years after he's dead. For whatever reason the film makers decide to intersperse live action shots of the Yeti running, with really bad animation of him running. I mean, animating it serves no purpose at all, it just makes it look super cheesy. They don't even animate him doing anything they don't already have live action shots of him doing, it's just awesomely stupid. Anyhoo, the fat dude gets caught between 2 rocks and as his teammate tries to pull him to safety his arm comes off. Later, when that same teammate breaks his leg trying to climb out of a cave, he uses his buddies dismembered arm as a splint. Awesome.
Back at camp there's a lot of bickering between the few remaining people alive, but of course Peyton Elway does his best to rally the troops and keep spirits up. A few guys wanna try and hike out, and a few wanna stay and wait for rescue. What they don't count on however is the Yeti that appears to be dragging off dead bodies in the night.
A rescue "team" that consists of Peter Deluise, looking dashing, and a foreign chick who's pretty hot, set out to find the downed plane. You'd think that the confirmed crash of a plane carrying an entire college football team would garner more of a rescue effort but that wouldn't be nearly as much fun.
After like 11 days in the snow the group decides that they gotta eat their dead friends, so Peyton goes out, cuts up some flesh and returns with 6 perfectly cubed pieces of meat that look like little steaks. Yummy.
While it's obviously stupid and much of the dialog is tediously repetitive, such as the same 2 people having the same argument in about 7 scenes, there's a lot to love/hate. For whatever reason the Yeti can jump like a frog, clearing great distances in what is again, horrid animation. The injured coach continues to coach Peyton on how to be a leader, treating the situation like a football game in great spurts of hideously fun dialog. As with any movie like this there's some abysmal framing and awful cut shots, people appear to be about 10 feet away and it's treated as if they're miles away.
There's a final showdown with the Yetis between the players and the rescue team, some die, some survive and it's all fun.
Not the best horrible movie ever, but horrible enough to be some fun.
This is the story of the State College Grizzlies, on their way to Japan to play the first ever Bowl Game in that country. Now, when I say football team, there appear to be about 12 people on the plane, a bunch of which are women, trainers and such, so yeah.
The first glorious moment of the film is when we're introduced to the star Quarterback, a Mr. Peyton Elway. Yes.
Ok, so the plane flies into a storm over the Himalayas and of course it crashes, leaving a group of about 10 people alive. A couple of whom are selected to trek back and look for the planes tail section which holds the radio and communication equipment. The 2 unlucky fellas run into the snow demon, or yeti, or whatever the fuck it's supposed to be. It looks like what I imagine Lance Henriksen will look like about 5 years after he's dead. For whatever reason the film makers decide to intersperse live action shots of the Yeti running, with really bad animation of him running. I mean, animating it serves no purpose at all, it just makes it look super cheesy. They don't even animate him doing anything they don't already have live action shots of him doing, it's just awesomely stupid. Anyhoo, the fat dude gets caught between 2 rocks and as his teammate tries to pull him to safety his arm comes off. Later, when that same teammate breaks his leg trying to climb out of a cave, he uses his buddies dismembered arm as a splint. Awesome.
Back at camp there's a lot of bickering between the few remaining people alive, but of course Peyton Elway does his best to rally the troops and keep spirits up. A few guys wanna try and hike out, and a few wanna stay and wait for rescue. What they don't count on however is the Yeti that appears to be dragging off dead bodies in the night.
A rescue "team" that consists of Peter Deluise, looking dashing, and a foreign chick who's pretty hot, set out to find the downed plane. You'd think that the confirmed crash of a plane carrying an entire college football team would garner more of a rescue effort but that wouldn't be nearly as much fun.
After like 11 days in the snow the group decides that they gotta eat their dead friends, so Peyton goes out, cuts up some flesh and returns with 6 perfectly cubed pieces of meat that look like little steaks. Yummy.
While it's obviously stupid and much of the dialog is tediously repetitive, such as the same 2 people having the same argument in about 7 scenes, there's a lot to love/hate. For whatever reason the Yeti can jump like a frog, clearing great distances in what is again, horrid animation. The injured coach continues to coach Peyton on how to be a leader, treating the situation like a football game in great spurts of hideously fun dialog. As with any movie like this there's some abysmal framing and awful cut shots, people appear to be about 10 feet away and it's treated as if they're miles away.
There's a final showdown with the Yetis between the players and the rescue team, some die, some survive and it's all fun.
Not the best horrible movie ever, but horrible enough to be some fun.
2009 Horror Fest: Disturbed: 15 Out Of 100 Stars
Part of the 2008 After Dark Horror Fest, Disturbed is a low quality, horridly acted, atrociously written badly shot film, that still managed to keep me interested.
The story revolves around an escaped psycho convict named Charles Mason (har har) who is taking out vengeance on those who put him away. Mason does a few dirty deeds and then sets his focus on the family of a senator who had a hand in locking him up.
The Senator and his wife are away on vacation so that leaves Mason to hunt down the Senators 3 children.
Now then, the oldest daughter is the films lead and is a passable actress who is smoking hot and always dressed as a hottie should be. She looks about 16 but is playing older, and looks ridiculous playing a real estate agent.
She's taking care of her younger sister who may or may not be retarded, it's very hard to tell. The girl playing her is god awful either way.
The 3rd sibling is the teenage brother who is both a bad actor, and hard to look at.
Ok then, lot's of stupidity in this here film, just a ton of little things that are so so bad.
"Rapes" occur, but underwear remain on, There is apparently one cop in all of the county, and a dispatcher to tell him what to do. The medical examiner shows up at a crime scene with full on lab coat and stethoscope. Awesome. Wonderfully bad acting by the boyfriend of a dead girl. The medical examiner holding up a baggie with a body part in it, outside the house a murder occurred in, surrounded by people, and making exclamations. The best is when the kids have a party, one of the party goers sees a man upstairs and when he's doubted he just argues about it, then goes home.
There's a nice couple of minutes where we get to see the brother do karate, that's it, just watch him in his karate class. Which is better than the next scene where he attempts to act.
So ok, people related to the case are dyeing all over, and the Senator instead of coming home from vacation, leaves a message on the answering machine telling his daughter that Mason escaped and to take care of the family until he can get a flight tomorrow.
This is the problem, the story is way too big and convoluted for what really amounts to a student film. The exquisite story adds nothing to the film and opens up so much to detract from it, for no good reason.
There's a great scene where the brother and his girlfriend finish having sex, and she goes out to get beer. Now she's laying there under a sheet and get attacked by the crazy guy. Right as she screams we cut to a scene of the 2 sisters dancing in a closet with bunny ears on and loud music blaring. Kind of surreal in a bad movie device sort of way. As she's getting the attacked the poor girlfriend can't decide whether she wants to be chopped up or expose her titties, as she holds that sheet tight to her boobs in the guise of fighting off an attack. Either cast a bitch who'll get naked or do the fucking scene differently, it's fucking movie 101 here.
Holy shit. Now, this scene may not be for everyone but i can't describe it cause it's a bit of a spoiler but if you know me you can almost guess what kind of scene it is that I would find so awesome.
Crap, now it gets weird because as obviously PG as the film has sauntered around being,
it suddenly gets very graphic which is just a complete 180 and very bizarre. I mean, it's like a Lifetime movie broke out in the middle of Friday The 13th.
But this film is just too damn silly for all of the dramatics to work on any level. Add in tech and metal music whenever there's supposed to be tension and it just completely ruins any chance of the scene working.
Oh man, the final 20 minutes of the movie are so horrendous, it really is what I imagine a bunch of 10 year olds trying to recreate I Know What You Did Last Summer would look like.
OMG, we find out in one of the most amazing moments in film history why we focused on the brother at karate class earlier in the film. Paramedics show up, and despite multiple stab wounds to multiple people, they put on a blood pressure strap and start taking peoples pulses. No urgency, just holding their wrists, checking pulses.
I need to stop riffing as it's repetitive. Ok, let's just say that despite me grading this movie so badly, it's a must see for how awful it is, but not in a funny way if that makes any sense. It's just super bad and pathetic film making that has to be observed just based on how god awful it is.
I've liked and disliked some of the ADHF films and some have been low rent, but none have been this horrendous and I hope it's a one time only thing. This shit is below film school level on every level of movie making and acting. But still, watch it.
The story revolves around an escaped psycho convict named Charles Mason (har har) who is taking out vengeance on those who put him away. Mason does a few dirty deeds and then sets his focus on the family of a senator who had a hand in locking him up.
The Senator and his wife are away on vacation so that leaves Mason to hunt down the Senators 3 children.
Now then, the oldest daughter is the films lead and is a passable actress who is smoking hot and always dressed as a hottie should be. She looks about 16 but is playing older, and looks ridiculous playing a real estate agent.
She's taking care of her younger sister who may or may not be retarded, it's very hard to tell. The girl playing her is god awful either way.
The 3rd sibling is the teenage brother who is both a bad actor, and hard to look at.
Ok then, lot's of stupidity in this here film, just a ton of little things that are so so bad.
"Rapes" occur, but underwear remain on, There is apparently one cop in all of the county, and a dispatcher to tell him what to do. The medical examiner shows up at a crime scene with full on lab coat and stethoscope. Awesome. Wonderfully bad acting by the boyfriend of a dead girl. The medical examiner holding up a baggie with a body part in it, outside the house a murder occurred in, surrounded by people, and making exclamations. The best is when the kids have a party, one of the party goers sees a man upstairs and when he's doubted he just argues about it, then goes home.
There's a nice couple of minutes where we get to see the brother do karate, that's it, just watch him in his karate class. Which is better than the next scene where he attempts to act.
So ok, people related to the case are dyeing all over, and the Senator instead of coming home from vacation, leaves a message on the answering machine telling his daughter that Mason escaped and to take care of the family until he can get a flight tomorrow.
This is the problem, the story is way too big and convoluted for what really amounts to a student film. The exquisite story adds nothing to the film and opens up so much to detract from it, for no good reason.
There's a great scene where the brother and his girlfriend finish having sex, and she goes out to get beer. Now she's laying there under a sheet and get attacked by the crazy guy. Right as she screams we cut to a scene of the 2 sisters dancing in a closet with bunny ears on and loud music blaring. Kind of surreal in a bad movie device sort of way. As she's getting the attacked the poor girlfriend can't decide whether she wants to be chopped up or expose her titties, as she holds that sheet tight to her boobs in the guise of fighting off an attack. Either cast a bitch who'll get naked or do the fucking scene differently, it's fucking movie 101 here.
Holy shit. Now, this scene may not be for everyone but i can't describe it cause it's a bit of a spoiler but if you know me you can almost guess what kind of scene it is that I would find so awesome.
Crap, now it gets weird because as obviously PG as the film has sauntered around being,
it suddenly gets very graphic which is just a complete 180 and very bizarre. I mean, it's like a Lifetime movie broke out in the middle of Friday The 13th.
But this film is just too damn silly for all of the dramatics to work on any level. Add in tech and metal music whenever there's supposed to be tension and it just completely ruins any chance of the scene working.
Oh man, the final 20 minutes of the movie are so horrendous, it really is what I imagine a bunch of 10 year olds trying to recreate I Know What You Did Last Summer would look like.
OMG, we find out in one of the most amazing moments in film history why we focused on the brother at karate class earlier in the film. Paramedics show up, and despite multiple stab wounds to multiple people, they put on a blood pressure strap and start taking peoples pulses. No urgency, just holding their wrists, checking pulses.
I need to stop riffing as it's repetitive. Ok, let's just say that despite me grading this movie so badly, it's a must see for how awful it is, but not in a funny way if that makes any sense. It's just super bad and pathetic film making that has to be observed just based on how god awful it is.
I've liked and disliked some of the ADHF films and some have been low rent, but none have been this horrendous and I hope it's a one time only thing. This shit is below film school level on every level of movie making and acting. But still, watch it.
2009 Horror Fest: Forrest Of The Dead: 90 Out Of 100 Stars
Now this is what I'm talking about. Sub Indie schlock of the highest order. Written, directed, produced, music, catering, outhouse accommodations, all by the same guy, so you know it has to be grand.
A few of the actors are french Canadian so I'm assuming this is a Canadian production.
We open in a car with a group of idiots and I'm immediately impressed by a girl in an old school Expos T-Shirt. Not the girl, the T-Shirt. Right off the bat it's clear that none of these people can really act and it's also clear that the dialog is, and is going to be, horrendously awesome. Johnny Rebel (yes) is driving and I'm not sure right now whether he's just an awful actor performing atrocious dialog or whether it's intentional schlock. In any event it's gut bustingly, beautifully bad.
Of course they're going to an old campground to meet some friends and camp, nevermind that none of them have any idea where this place is.
There's the staple stop at the gas station which has no gas, but does have a guy who appears to not have showered for a few years and offers to fuck both the women and the men.
The cuts are gloriously bad as it looks like everyone was delivering their dialog on different days.
So the group, Johnny and his Expos tee wearing girlfriend, the one decent actor, a completely goofy and bad acting meathead who's wearing an 80's style half jersey (yes, in 2008), and 2 other girls.
Once at the abandoned camp ground they are startled by a woman who informs them that the place has been closed for 15 years. Why she's there they never question, but the camera lingers on her long enough to hit us over the head with the fact that she's probably an important piece to this film.
Sooooo much horridity in this film. Close up shots of tongues mingling, a dude going a bizarre stand up routine on an old stage in the middle of the woods about the differences between white people and french people.
Astoundingly bad, 5th grade dialog that consists of bad insults and worse jokes.
Holy shit man, the more I watch the more incomprehensibly bad it gets. Football jersey wearing guy, explains that he used to play football, well that explains it. He even carries a football with him as he walks on the beach with a girl. Then as they go to kiss he exclaims that he can't, because his heart belongs to another. THIS IS THE WORST ACTING EVER!! Without looking at the credits and knowing only that the writer was listed like 8th in the opening cast credits I am going to go out on a limb and guess that this is him, because NOBODY could cast someone this bad in their film unless it was themselves.
Oh lord, each scene gets worse and worse as the girls straddle a log in the middle of the lake and talk about sex. Then they fall in and have a splash fight.
Johnny Rebel cannot throw or spit like a man. lol.
OMG SUCH AN AMAZING SWERVE THAT I DID NOT SEE IT COMING AND I CANNOT SPOIL!!
Dear lord I wish words could convey how awesome this is.
They have a smoke machine. I know this because small bursts of fog appear in every tension scene.
GAHHHHHHH OMG THE SPECIAL EFFECTS FOR THE 2ND KILL ARE...............................AMAZING@@@@!!
The 2nd half of the film introduces us to 6 new characters including 3 pretty hot chicks, a nerd and a white dude with a giant afro.
Oh man, the white afro guy thinks he's black! Great scene where a dude is taking a piss and we can clearly see the water bottle he's holding. Fuckin righteous.
OH JESUS, OK NOW THIS HAS TO BE PARODY, IT HAS TO BE!!! The nerd spied a girl showering and when caught he pranced away. PRANCED!!
The awful jokes, oh the awful jokes!! And the boom mic in frame!
And so on it goes, really bad tension with music produced on a Casio circa 1989, joyously bad "special effects".
What a wonderful film that I highly recommend for anyone who wants to laugh, and we all wanna laugh.
A few of the actors are french Canadian so I'm assuming this is a Canadian production.
We open in a car with a group of idiots and I'm immediately impressed by a girl in an old school Expos T-Shirt. Not the girl, the T-Shirt. Right off the bat it's clear that none of these people can really act and it's also clear that the dialog is, and is going to be, horrendously awesome. Johnny Rebel (yes) is driving and I'm not sure right now whether he's just an awful actor performing atrocious dialog or whether it's intentional schlock. In any event it's gut bustingly, beautifully bad.
Of course they're going to an old campground to meet some friends and camp, nevermind that none of them have any idea where this place is.
There's the staple stop at the gas station which has no gas, but does have a guy who appears to not have showered for a few years and offers to fuck both the women and the men.
The cuts are gloriously bad as it looks like everyone was delivering their dialog on different days.
So the group, Johnny and his Expos tee wearing girlfriend, the one decent actor, a completely goofy and bad acting meathead who's wearing an 80's style half jersey (yes, in 2008), and 2 other girls.
Once at the abandoned camp ground they are startled by a woman who informs them that the place has been closed for 15 years. Why she's there they never question, but the camera lingers on her long enough to hit us over the head with the fact that she's probably an important piece to this film.
Sooooo much horridity in this film. Close up shots of tongues mingling, a dude going a bizarre stand up routine on an old stage in the middle of the woods about the differences between white people and french people.
Astoundingly bad, 5th grade dialog that consists of bad insults and worse jokes.
Holy shit man, the more I watch the more incomprehensibly bad it gets. Football jersey wearing guy, explains that he used to play football, well that explains it. He even carries a football with him as he walks on the beach with a girl. Then as they go to kiss he exclaims that he can't, because his heart belongs to another. THIS IS THE WORST ACTING EVER!! Without looking at the credits and knowing only that the writer was listed like 8th in the opening cast credits I am going to go out on a limb and guess that this is him, because NOBODY could cast someone this bad in their film unless it was themselves.
Oh lord, each scene gets worse and worse as the girls straddle a log in the middle of the lake and talk about sex. Then they fall in and have a splash fight.
Johnny Rebel cannot throw or spit like a man. lol.
OMG SUCH AN AMAZING SWERVE THAT I DID NOT SEE IT COMING AND I CANNOT SPOIL!!
Dear lord I wish words could convey how awesome this is.
They have a smoke machine. I know this because small bursts of fog appear in every tension scene.
GAHHHHHHH OMG THE SPECIAL EFFECTS FOR THE 2ND KILL ARE...............................AMAZING@@@@!!
The 2nd half of the film introduces us to 6 new characters including 3 pretty hot chicks, a nerd and a white dude with a giant afro.
Oh man, the white afro guy thinks he's black! Great scene where a dude is taking a piss and we can clearly see the water bottle he's holding. Fuckin righteous.
OH JESUS, OK NOW THIS HAS TO BE PARODY, IT HAS TO BE!!! The nerd spied a girl showering and when caught he pranced away. PRANCED!!
The awful jokes, oh the awful jokes!! And the boom mic in frame!
And so on it goes, really bad tension with music produced on a Casio circa 1989, joyously bad "special effects".
What a wonderful film that I highly recommend for anyone who wants to laugh, and we all wanna laugh.
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