Made in 1985, this looked to be an attempt to cash in on the burgeoning monster movie phase of American cinema, but it plays less like a big time monster movie and more like one of a hundred cheap slasher movies you could have found on the video store walls at the time.
The story is ridiculously hack kneed as the Squaw who helped the family in the original is now apparently a normal person and she and the younger brother are part of a team of motorcycle racers. The brother (who I thought was really good in the original) is in therapy and still has flashbacks of the horrific events and just isn't sure the hill people are really dead, and either because he's scared of where they're going or just having a breakdown, decides not to go with them to the races. This upsets one of the team members who's been working on a special super gas for the race which is in it's own finely labeled barrel, hitting you over the head with a potential plot point.
Of course the motorcycle team is headed to a race in California and wouldn't you know it, they trek out over the same patch of land that the family broke down on in the original, despite the squaw being with them. And of course they begin to leak gas and get stranded, leading to a great exchange where one character asks another if they just can't use the super gas, to which he is told "are you kidding? That stuff would blow this bus to kingdom come". I see where this is going.
Ok, this is awesome. The motorcycle crew, which of course consists of a bunch of guys barely out high school, and their girlfriends (including a black couple and blind girl who may or may not have super powers) have no idea that the squaw used to be the squaw, they just thinks she's a.....I dunno what the fuck she has to do with them except being a friend to Bobby (the younger brother). It's not until they run into the hill people that she tells them who she is. I dunno what the fuck is going on about except that half of movie so far is flashbacks to the original. Even the fucking dog is having flashbacks. It's a clip movie!
AHHHHH, SO 1985!! So while the Squaw is telling the whole gang about her past and none of them are believing her, somebody stole a motorcycle out of the back of the bus. Upon seeing this the dudes decide to chase after whoever stole the bike on the other bikes, this leads to an extended sequence of the drivers.............suiting up! They put on their 1985 shoulder pads and motorcycle suits and what not. Hooo boy. I guess they were trying to corner the monster movie motocross crowd. Fuckin aces.
There's a chase sequence, styrofoam rocks fall, etc etc. Back at the bus, despite the fact that they've had a bike stolen and 2 of their friends are now missing, they decide to set up a practical joke for when they return, instead of, ya know, being frightened or worried or anything. This is so awesome. The Squaw and the blind girl are clearly sure that they are in danger, but because nobody believes them, they're just like "ok whatever, let's tell jokes and goof around" It's tremendous.
Jesus H Christ, this may be the single dumbest script I have ever encountered. Nothing makes any sense. There is monster movie character dumb, but these people are on a whole nother level. I swear to fuck, a cartoon slap sound effect is used at one point, like a literal cartoon slap sound effect you would hear on Tom & Jerry.
I mean, I'm not being so forward as to say their were no crappy horror movies before this, but this certainly sets the bar high.
Everyone goes random directions, doing random things like taking a shower in the middle of the dessert or chasing after each other with the bus for no apparent reason. The killers are sooooooo not scarey, they look like fucking Muppets, but not Muppet Muppets, human Muppets. The blind girl goes around feeling everything. A lot of the kill scenes are so clearly inspired by Friday The 13th as the music, the slow motion, it's all the same, except this sucks. The killers even take time to explain what exactly it is they do in between chasing and killing people, so nice of them.
Holy shit. The ending is such a magnificent blend of overwrought and under imaginative over imagination that I can't put it into fucking words. I bet you $100 fucking dollars that was Vince Russos favorite movie as a kid.
The Hills may have eyes, but the writer has no brain.
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