Wednesday, January 23, 2013

2009 Horror Fest: The House On Sorrority Row: 10 Out Of 100 Stars

Yeah, so with a title like this comes a bit of expectation, no? Well then. We open with a title that reads Pledge Week or Hell Week or something like that, intimating that the movie has multiple titles or that they couldn't settle on one or that maybe this is some sort of release only for the residents of Manitoba, I don't fuckin know.

Then I'm a tad excited to see the name Leeton Meester or whatever the fuck her name is, not excited because it's her (I wouldn't recognize her if she was sucking my balls) but at least it's a name I've heard before.

So then we start the movie. The nations best and most important sorority is apparently being haunted by something. Odd that the nations best and most important sorority seems to have no more than 10 girls in it. Anyway, about 20 minutes in I realize I'm getting some sort of CW version of a horror movie and kind of give up hope on any sexuality, just a vibe I get.

Something is haunting the sorority house and even it's former members who have moved on. An ice monster of some sort that crystallizes mirrors when it appears. But instead of being scarey it looks more like A Christmas decoration.

There's a horrid side story surrounding the main character and her boyfriend, who despite having dated all through high school, have apparently never had a real conversation until this movie started. The boyfriend is written retardly and played just as retardly. The girl is moving on with her life you see, and his fascination with the occult is just a little too juvenile for her.

Back to the main gist of the film. A former pledge just up and disappeared one night during hazing. At least that's what the senior sorority members want everyone to believe, but they may be covering something up, what naughty girls.

Great PG scene when something goes wrong in the shower for one of the girls and as she's panicking she covers her breasts as tightly as possible. It's like the retarded staple of daytime soaps where the couple just got done fucking but when they get up they cover themselves with sheets, cause god forbid they see each other naked. Of course that's only because it's broadcast TV, and can be forgiven. This is a fucking movie so it can't. This annoyed me greatly but none of the girls gave off any heat anyway so whatever.

A great bit of dialog, after multiple sorority members are dead.

Girl 1: It won't stop until all 4 of us are dead

Girl 2: If you know who's doing this than call the police!

Girl 1: You wouldn't understand, we swore an oath.

These fucking people deserve to die.

So in the midst of death and supernaturalnessocity, the main character, who earlier in the film declared that she was a virgin, takes time to go for long walks with a dude she met at a frat party where they discuss deep topics. Anyway, the house has been ordered empty but of course the main characters stay in it one last night.

Main character may have slept with her new friend, I'm not sure because they both wake up with their clothes on when they're walked in on by the creepy girl who we all know is just too creepy to not be essential to the story. What a horrendous fucking film.

This is worse than the CW, this as if Nickleodeon tried to make a horror/sex movie.

So eventually we get widdled down to a few "important" characters, one of whom goes missing when for no apparent reason they all run in different directions. Former boyfriend returns, and in the midst of death and possible death, declares how awesome it is that paranormal stuff is happening, even going so far as to declare that the return of someone thought dead proves the existence of god. So fucking retarded. I mean Christ, it just gets worse and worse as the ex boyfriend declares that dead girl has returned and breaks out a binder with all his research on spirit wraiths and shapeshifters. Oy fuckin vey.

Anyway, there's a showdown fit for an episode of 90210's Halloween episode, and that's that.

One last note. There is a girl in the film, a 150ish pound Blaxican extra pledge who's main role is to appear in group shots who looks like she has no idea what the fuck she's doing in this movie.

I'd rather live on the streets than spend another night in this sorority house.

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