2009 Horror Fest: House Of Usher: 12 Out Of 100 Stars

What a delightfully atrocious "film".

I may have read the Poe short story when I was younger but I really don't remember much of it, so I have no idea how loosely or closely this story is tied to that, it's certainly an updated version if it is though.

So, I figure a movie based on a Poe story can't be all bad. I was sooooo wrong.

For starters, all the acting is awful. ALL. DREADFUL even. The whole movie is monotone. Secondly, there is zero coherence to anything. The actors speak of longtime friendships and of things in their past, yet neither of the leads appears to be more than 20 years old. There's a horrid mix of Poe like speech and old time cadence mixed with updated language that sort of just jumps all over the place. There is also a bunch of male buttocks and softcore gay porn, which took me by surprise, to say the least.

So the story starts with a young man named Victor, who apparently has gotten a call from his old friend, asking him to come visit him at his house. Roderick Usher and his sister live in the house and appear to be from another world. The male Usher (often referred to as Ush by Victor) dresses like a civil war era Neo and speaks drolly and in large words for no reason. Turns out Victor and Usher were once in love and this leads into a passionate and long, jockey short tugging scene.

Anyway, a bunch of ghosts of former house workers, apparently killed by Usher, haunt the premises. They urge Victor to leave but he stays, for again, no apparent reason, until it's time to leave, which would be after the movies run long enough to be considered of adequate length.

The sister plays her role like some 1940's Hollywood damsel, inexplicably.

Lots of homo erotic shit, awful dialog, special effects that consist of a camera shaking to simulate a house falling down for minutes on end and just generally sub par acting.

There's a swerve at the end, but who cares.

In the end it's nothing more than a showcase for what happens when someone who can't write, joins up with someone who can't film, and hire actors who can't act, and I suppose a few of them are gay. It's not fun bad, but it is revealing bad, as I just sort of kept watching to see how totally encompassing the badness could be.

Avoid.