Thursday, January 24, 2013

2009 Horror Fest: House Of The Demon: 25 Out Of 100 Stars

The opening credits inform us that this movie contains a special appearance by wrestler Jorge "Coyote" Ortiz. I was a bit flummoxed as to who this Coyote was or why he constituted a special appearance chyron. I put 2 and 2 together when I saw that the Producer and co-star was named George Ortiz. Now either this is gonna be a pretty good movie with a couple of solid guys in charge or it's gonna be a shit fest engineered by a couple of Latin fellas who have an opinion of themselves that is wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy to high. Guess which it turned out to be?

Right away I know I'm in for a low budget affair as a college class is being conducted on a stage for no apparent reason. The audio is pretty bad, as if the camera isn't right on someone it's very hard to hear what was being said. This caused me to miss a good chunk of dialog but somehow I soldiered on. Hey, if the director doesn't give a fuck, why should I?

Anyhoo, the leads Grandfather has been disappeared for a while now and he's just been declared legally dead, willing his old house to our lead.

The leads best friend is a guy who is dressed like this.

Don't be afraid to stereotype, his character acts exactly the way you'd expect someone dressed like that to act.

Now then, we have the lead and his girlfriend and her little sister who's some sort of Twlight goth teen. The best friend and his girlfriend. A black friend who's girlfriend isn't there for a reason I could not hear. And a Mexican dude played by George Ortiz who's dialog all appears to be in jokes that make no sense whatsoever.

So this group, sullen by the fact that the PC police have shut down the frat Halloween party, decide to trek out to the old house and have their own Halloween party.

Greatness ensues when they show up at the house "in the middle of nowhere" and you notice a parking lot just off of the driveway, full of cars, and then what appears to be a pancake house right in front of that. It's made even better by the fact that as soon as you see those two things one of the characters utters "we're in the middle of nowhere." Awe Some.

At this point despite the wooden and/or shitty acting, I thought that we had a chance at a halfway decent film as we've got a group of youngsters including a couple of hotties, in an abandoned house that's being haunted by a demon.

Boy was I wrong.

I don't know where the hell they were filming but they clearly had next to no room, as most of the scenes are done either in a cramped hallway or in front of a kitchen sink. There was a lot of talk about a living room but I don't believe we ever saw it.

Secondly, the editing and shooting was just atrocious. People would walk up stairs and then walk down a hallway, past the stairs. People would run down and up stairs, and then appear to be in the opposite direction of where they just went. The last 40 minutes of the movie are spent in the house and for the life of me I couldn't tell you how many or where any of the rooms are.

Here's a clip that encompasses the wonderful acting and directing ability George Ortiz offers.

Anyhoo, 1 by 1 the party goers get attacked and some are turned into demons, some are just killed. This all leads to a showdown between the kid who was willed the house and the demon. Macbeth it aint.

Following this we get just the most awful scene that I can't decide if it's supposed to be sort of funny, all funny, or just sadly inept.

Listen, there are a ton of things that can be blamed on having no budget, almost everything wrong with this movie however is just shitty writing, acting, directing, cinematography, and decision making in general. The Demon is laughable, there's almost no partying, none of the chicks get naked, the editing is atrocious, the sets or whatever the fuck they were, are abysmal. The acting and characters are hideously bad, the blocking is some of the worst I've ever seen for a movie that went for than 50 minutes. I could go on and on.

Part of me wants to say it's so bad that it's some fun to watch, but really it's just kind of tedious to watch, as the directing and camera work is so low rent that it will probably cause most viewers headaches. Seriously, and I'm not joking here, the best part of the film is the credits, as the song at least sounds professionally done and the visuals are decent.

No need whatsoever, on any plane of existence, to visit The House Of The Demon.

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