I knew two things about this movie going in. One, it starred Shannon Elizabeth, which is A-Ok with me. Two, it was a remake of an 80's film by the same name that I wasn't sure I had ever seen.
Once the movie got going I realized I had seen the original and wondered aloud "Why the fuck are they remaking that piece of shit"?
The story varies a bit from the original, but it has the same exact lack of heart and soul. Fuck, it has even less heart and soul then the original, which is a hard fucking thing to pull off. At least the 80's version is campy, this one is just gutless and sterile.
The story, and I use that term loosely, is that there's a house where a bunch of people were murdered some 50 odd years ago, and today, in present times, a rich girl, Shannon Elizabeth, is throwing a Halloween party there.
Things started off promising enough when we're introduced to the 3 main female characters. Not because they add anything but skimpy outfits and hot bodies, but that's a good start. Then we have the three main male characters, one of whom is the guy who ate Eddie Furlong. Seriously, I was watching the movie for a good 20 minutes before I realized who the fuck it was. He's easily gained 50-60 pounds since his T2 days.
So by hook or crook, these 7 people end up trapped alone in this haunted house and the fun begins. I use the term fun very loosely. The story of how the house came to be haunted is marvelously ridiculous and extensive. You see, 50 years ago a chick wanted to woo a man who didn't love her, so she called upon demons to help her. Well the demons tricked her, demons will do that apparently. After inhabiting all the guests at the seyonce at which they were summoned, the demons needed only the womans body to complete their resurrection. So instead of letting that happen, the woman killed herself, trapping the demons in the house forever. The only person left alive was a maid who scribbled spells on a wall that somehow kept the demons at bay. Ok then.
So anyway, one by one the demons start to inhabit the 7 main characters. Apparently the way they do this is by kissing or fucking or touching, it's never really clear. There is a decent scene of butt fucking demonetization.
So a few characters get infected and chase the other characters, who end up in the room the maid scribbled her spells in. Of course our heroin figures out the entire story by reading the wall in about 20 seconds. It's just so overwrought and under thought. The two guys with the heroin, having no problem at all just going with her theory, decide to take a nap. Somehow I don't think napping is in the demon survival handbook.
This turd is just filled with some awesomely atrocious dialog and thought processes. One of the demons started to steam when hit with a rusted pipe which leads our heroin to conclude, "Demons are made from ancient elements, iron is an ancient element, and it rusts, which is why rust hurts them". You really have to stoned out of your fucking mind to think that plot point up.
The film is just a meandering exercise in contrived plot points and ridiculous assumptions. When a character falls 4 stories through multiple floors, how do you help him? Of course you open the box in the corner of the room that has a rope.
The ending is absurd but par for the course. Just know that after a number of her friends are killed and she's been chased all night by demons, our heroin still has time to crack one liners and not be the slightest bit upset with what's been occurring to her.
I guess the best thing you can say about this clunker is that it flies by pretty fast. All the chicks are pretty damn smoking but there isn't much nudity at all, although one of the girls has breasts like fucking pumpkins that were nice to look at.
Other then that there just isn't much here. It would seem a lot of thought went into the back story, but just because it's elaborate doesn't mean it's good, or sensible. There are numerous montages set to music and a lot of that herky jerky stop action shit that annoys the fuck out of me.
So let's run this down. Sub par film making, check. Sub par acting, check. Sub sub par story, check. Hot chicks, check. Well at least they got something right.
One last note, someone get Eddie Furlong some help. There are points where it seems like he's running out of breath delivering dialog.
Just an absolute turd of a remake of a turd.
No comments:
Post a Comment