Oh Dear, Horror Fest 2013 is not starting out so great. Here we have a movie starring the great Richard Tyson about a killer on the loose during a haunted hayride. The premise almost gave me an erection. And then I watched it.
Hoo boy, where do I begin. Firstly, this project appears to have a budget somewhere between none and pizzas and beer at the wrap party. I'd bet my left nut that a few peoples credit cards were maxed out to pay Richard Tysons salary. But good for him, he deserves the money more than these idiots do.
The cameras being used are slightly above home video caliber, so there's that to deal with. Then the editing is choppy and stilted and the sound tends to drop in and out depending on who is talking. But this all technical shit and even a really bad technical movie can overcome those faults, just not this doozy.
So a dude returns to his Uncles farm, where he grew up, with his girlfriend in tow. Tyson plays the Uncle, who every year runs a haunted hayride with friends and family. Let me back up, before we're introduced to any of these characters we're treated to an opening where a guy who has slaughtered a number of women, is being transported to jail. The cop car that he's in goes off the road somehow (we're never shown the crash, that would cost money), allowing the lunatic to escape. Now we meet the rest of the cast.
So Tyson and his nephew and a bunch of other characters talk, and talk, and talk and talk and reminisce and Tyson tells the story of one of the characters in his Hayride and we're treated to flash backs or fantasy sequences about someone who lived around here who went nuts when his daughter skipped town with her boyfriend. The guy went so looney that he went from house to house wearing a sack on his head and killing people with a pitchfork or some shit, I dunno, there's so much story and myth here that I'm sure sounded good to the writers when they were sitting around stoned trying to come up with an idea for a movie. So yeah, the character in the hayride is named Pitchfork, and he wears a sack on his head. Now the escaped lunatic has stumbled onto the farm and of course the first thing he does is find the outfit for Pitchfork. Why he would see a burlap sack sitting around and decide to wear it is beyond me, but hey, he's the lunatic.
Now, then, if we just focused on the farm and the hayride and the killer, the movie would still suck, but maybe it wouldn't suck so bad. But no, instead we're treated to lots of scenes with cops chasing the escaped lunatic. Except like I said, there's no budget, so we don't see a manhunt, see two cops talking about a manhunt. And talking, and talking, and sleeping in their car, for what reason I don't know. The acting and the cinematography are all pretty damn bad, but more than that it's the endless narrative. This film would make a great book on tape.
When we finally see cops, they all look to be about 20 years old, with various words on their shirts like "sheriff" and "police" and they all seem like their costumes were bought at goodwill. They too, are deficient in their acting skills. When they think they have the lunatic cornered, coincidentally at the same house that Pitchfork used to live in, they raid it while the two lead cops stand outside and do some more talking. They think they're close so they talk some more about road blocks and they talk some more about this and they talk some more about that. Jesus Christ this movie is going to great lengths to not do anything.
So back at the hayride, Tyson gives a prep talk and we're treated to a few scenes of mild fun as we see the hayride in action, but again, the amount of space they have to work with is so limited that it just comes off looking cheesy. With a killer on the loose you might think that some good kills would liven this dud up, but no, the kills are really bad. I'm talking, reallllly bad. We see a guy push a pitchfork toward someone laying on the ground and we see him holding the pitchfork on his neck and shaking. The kills are shit and the gore is non existent.
Sweet lord this damn thing is so bad. Those teenage cops are moving through the woods wearing black shirts and khakis, so they sort of look like cops. They must be right out of the academy because when the 5 of them are confronted by pitchfork in an area roughly the size of my living room, and despite all having guns at the ready, well I don't want to spoil it.
Back at the hayride, people are missing so Tyson convenes everyone in the same spot where he gave his speech before the ride began and gives another speech. I want to note that the one place in this film where people should seem excited and boisterous, on the actual hayride, we get interminable shots of people standing around saying nothing waiting to get on the ride, and interminable shots of people sitting on the ride, doing nothing, just looking around into the night.
So this grand haunted hayride seems to have served about 16 people throughout the night, and now more people are disappearing and turning up dead, and Tyson and Pitchfork have a showdown in a scene that is about as awful a fight scene as I've ever seen, legit. Meanwhile we see people on the hayride struggle to run. A lot of people have a hard time running in this movie.
So Pitchfork, despite killing everyone he's come in contact with so far, decides to kidnap the girlfriend of the Nephew. Perhaps he's seen the movie and knows those are the central characters. This of course leads to the Nephew chasing down Pitchfork and engaging in what I believe the script might describe as an action scene, it would be wrong. I mean, the level of film making here is so beyond amateur. I'm fairly convinced the people making this had never held a camera or done any film editing prior to shooting this......movie?
Ok ok ok, so the guy and his girlfriend succeed in killing Pitchfork, then they huddle on the ground and laugh and giggle about what a night it's been, like they left their keys in the car or something. Then she says she's pregnant and he giggles and says "even after all this, that's still terrifying". And they laugh. And I don't know what the fuck I'm watching.
The cops show up at the end and do some more talking, wrapping the story up just in case the viewers have been slamming their heads against a wall for the past 90 minutes and haven't been paying attention. We get a nice concerto that plays over a montage of body bags being zipped up and actors acting like they're upset, albeit badly. And lastly we get a twist that not a person watching could give a fuck about.
If you want to watch the results of what happens when a bunch of people with no film making ability, come up with a bad story and enough money to hire Richard Tyson to be in their film, but have no idea how to actually make one, then this is the baby for you. I normally love movies this bad and have no problem recommending them, the problem here is that the actual technical aspects are as absurdly bad as the story is, making it very hard to watch or enjoy on any level. Jamming an actual pitchfork into your balls might be a more enjoyable way to spend an evening.
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