Another shitty found footage movie. The premise of this one is that a film crew from a local college wants to do a documentary on the affects of Alzheimers. There subject is Deborah Logan, a woman in the early stages of the disease. So they set up camp at her house where she lives with her daughter and wouldn't you know it, supernatural shit starts to happen.
My issue with this movie is the same issue I have with most of these types of movies, and that is that the story being told would be served so much better without the stupid fucking gimmick. At a point it gets beyond silly that there are cameras everywhere and the every time something happens they can't help but pick up a camera, no matter how scared or frightened they are. By the time the 10th weird thing happens to Deborah Logan you'd think there would be more important things to do than film her every move. The cameras in the hospital are the ridiculous icing on the retarded cake.
My other issue is that the characters in these movies never act real. They always, this one included, act the furthest thing from real. Lots of hyper screaming and cursing is a script direction, not realism. I fucking hate it with a passion.
Now for the good. Jill Larson is fantastic as the titular character, but then again she's also the only one in the movie unbound by the stupid convention of having to constantly acknowledge the camera. The gore and the creep factor are also really strong.
I really wanted to like this movie, especially the third act. But by the time the final scenes roll around and the only light they have available is the one on the camera, my fists were too clenched to applaud.
All this being said, if the genre doesn't inherently make you want to set your pubes on fire in the hope of sweet release, you'll probably enjoy this movie a lot.
Friday, October 31, 2014
2014 Horror Fest: The Hearse: 58 Out Of 100 Stars
Atmospheric if a bit lengthy, The Hearse is the story of a woman who inherits the house where her Aunt died some 30 years ago.
Much more of a psychological thriller than a slasher film, it has ambiance coming out the ass. The film is visually very dark, which serves the mood perfectly. Trish Van Devere is fetching as the tormented lead and does a fine job carrying the movie.
If you're looking for a middle of the night spook out, The Hearse will serve you just fine.
Much more of a psychological thriller than a slasher film, it has ambiance coming out the ass. The film is visually very dark, which serves the mood perfectly. Trish Van Devere is fetching as the tormented lead and does a fine job carrying the movie.
If you're looking for a middle of the night spook out, The Hearse will serve you just fine.
2014 Horror Fest: Werewolf Rising: 28 Out Of 100 Stars
A rather horrendous overall film with the following caveat. Of the movies 72 minute run time, only the final 20 minutes are worth watching. But son of a bitch is it realllly worth watching.
The first hour or so of the movie is spent watching Emma come home to her families secluded mountain cabin, watching Emma ride an ATV, watching Emma lounge around, watching Emma flirt with an escaped convict, watching Emma try to fend off advances from her creepy Uncle. There's a lot of Emma watching. Oh yeah, and there's a werewolf lurking about in them there woods. At least it's supposed to be a werewolf, could just be that the local custom shop got burglarized.
Melissa Carnell as Emma is in way over her head here, but the film does her no favors at all. The writing is sub par, the pacing is tedious, the effects leave a great deal to be desired, it's all just really low budget.
All that being said, in the final 20 minutes a guy by the name of Bill Oberst shows up, along with an actual script. Maybe I was just bored out of my mind and waiting for anything to happen, but the twists, turns and general story of the films third act really drew me in.
I can't in good conscience suggest anyone sit through Werewolf Rising, but at least the payoff is worth it.
The first hour or so of the movie is spent watching Emma come home to her families secluded mountain cabin, watching Emma ride an ATV, watching Emma lounge around, watching Emma flirt with an escaped convict, watching Emma try to fend off advances from her creepy Uncle. There's a lot of Emma watching. Oh yeah, and there's a werewolf lurking about in them there woods. At least it's supposed to be a werewolf, could just be that the local custom shop got burglarized.
Melissa Carnell as Emma is in way over her head here, but the film does her no favors at all. The writing is sub par, the pacing is tedious, the effects leave a great deal to be desired, it's all just really low budget.
All that being said, in the final 20 minutes a guy by the name of Bill Oberst shows up, along with an actual script. Maybe I was just bored out of my mind and waiting for anything to happen, but the twists, turns and general story of the films third act really drew me in.
I can't in good conscience suggest anyone sit through Werewolf Rising, but at least the payoff is worth it.
2014 Horror Fest: Spookies: 60 Out Of 100 Stars
From 1986, Spookies is filled with cheesy makeup, horrible puppetry, and stupid characters, but it's so endearingly silly that I couldn't help but enjoy the nonsense.
A group of adults, not even teenagers, but full grown adults, are looking for a place to party. The old abandoned house in the middle of a grave yard looks like as good a place as any. Sure, why not? Bad news for them though, because some old demon or some shit is living here, waiting to collect souls to help him revive his bride. Something like that.
Among the party goers is Duke, an Italian guy who even the producers of Jersey Shore would probably consider too over the top.
Once inside the house, the movie lets loose an abundance of silly creatures on it's unsuspecting guests. An Asian spider lady, flatulent floor monsters, various animatronic goblins, and some elf dude dressed like the MC at Catch A Rising Star.
A monstrously silly camp fest, Creepies reminded me of the kind of movie a 9 year old me would have loved, and as such I enjoyed it immensely, ymmv though.
A group of adults, not even teenagers, but full grown adults, are looking for a place to party. The old abandoned house in the middle of a grave yard looks like as good a place as any. Sure, why not? Bad news for them though, because some old demon or some shit is living here, waiting to collect souls to help him revive his bride. Something like that.
Among the party goers is Duke, an Italian guy who even the producers of Jersey Shore would probably consider too over the top.
Once inside the house, the movie lets loose an abundance of silly creatures on it's unsuspecting guests. An Asian spider lady, flatulent floor monsters, various animatronic goblins, and some elf dude dressed like the MC at Catch A Rising Star.
A monstrously silly camp fest, Creepies reminded me of the kind of movie a 9 year old me would have loved, and as such I enjoyed it immensely, ymmv though.
Thursday, October 30, 2014
2014 Horror Fest: After Midnight: 10 Out Of 100 Stars
Sweet lord! It's hard to make fun of such a retarded movie. I mean that literally. Like, this movie is retarded, and thus I don't want to make fun of it. Going in I thought this was a horror movie. Turns out it's a Skinemax type flick. There is however, a great deal about this film that's horrific.
There obviously exists a world in which movies like this get produced and made, but I really don't want to know anything about that world. It's got to be the saddest place on earth.
Catherine Annette stars as Constance, a television anchor whose stripper sister has just been murdered. She finds out about her sisters murder by reading the news story live on air. The entire news crew consists of her, the guy behind the camera, and a producer. This is supposed to be a major L.A. station by the way. I realize I'm over thinking the shittyness of this, but for Christ sakes man. Constance takes it upon herself to find out what happened by going undercover as a stripper herself. This displeases her producer, the creepy & chubby John. It also displeases her doctor/sponsor/counselor, played by the ghost of Richard Grieco, who has somehow morphed into a more weathered version of Jeff Goldblum.
So Constance starts dancing at the club, which leads to lots of scenes involving the strippers whom I'd be willing to bet are actually more adept at stripping than they are acting. Though to be fair to them, NOBODY in this movie is what I would call competent in the field of acting.
The mystery of who killed Constances sister slowly unfolds in a script that's not even on the level of the worst daytime soap operas. The more and more people get killed, the less and less anyone left alive seems to be bothered by any of it. This includes Tawny Kitaen as the clubs owner, wearing about a pound of makeup for every year since she's been relevant. There's also Constances other sister, who was left brain damaged in some way. It's never really explained, she just sits in a wheel chair in what is supposed to be a hospital room but looks more like the spare bedroom at your Uncles place.
Boobies are all over the place, but just like everything else in the movie they aren't quite the highest caliber of girls. Lots of plastic and a few miles of foundation.
I thought Life Itself was the saddest movie I would watch this year. Turns out I was wrong.
There obviously exists a world in which movies like this get produced and made, but I really don't want to know anything about that world. It's got to be the saddest place on earth.
Catherine Annette stars as Constance, a television anchor whose stripper sister has just been murdered. She finds out about her sisters murder by reading the news story live on air. The entire news crew consists of her, the guy behind the camera, and a producer. This is supposed to be a major L.A. station by the way. I realize I'm over thinking the shittyness of this, but for Christ sakes man. Constance takes it upon herself to find out what happened by going undercover as a stripper herself. This displeases her producer, the creepy & chubby John. It also displeases her doctor/sponsor/counselor, played by the ghost of Richard Grieco, who has somehow morphed into a more weathered version of Jeff Goldblum.
So Constance starts dancing at the club, which leads to lots of scenes involving the strippers whom I'd be willing to bet are actually more adept at stripping than they are acting. Though to be fair to them, NOBODY in this movie is what I would call competent in the field of acting.
The mystery of who killed Constances sister slowly unfolds in a script that's not even on the level of the worst daytime soap operas. The more and more people get killed, the less and less anyone left alive seems to be bothered by any of it. This includes Tawny Kitaen as the clubs owner, wearing about a pound of makeup for every year since she's been relevant. There's also Constances other sister, who was left brain damaged in some way. It's never really explained, she just sits in a wheel chair in what is supposed to be a hospital room but looks more like the spare bedroom at your Uncles place.
Boobies are all over the place, but just like everything else in the movie they aren't quite the highest caliber of girls. Lots of plastic and a few miles of foundation.
I thought Life Itself was the saddest movie I would watch this year. Turns out I was wrong.
2014 Horror Fest: My Bloody Valentine: 44 Out Of 100 Stars
From 1981, the town of Valentine Bluff has a Valentines killer who doesn't want there to be a Valentines Day Dance. If ever a town was in need of re branding, it's this one.
So 20 years ago there was an accident in the mines and 5 miners got trapped. Only Harry Warden survived, and when he was finally rescued he was eating his co-workers. From there he went on a rampage, apparently upset that the town went on with the Valentines day festivities while he was trapped below the earth eating people for dinner.
Since then the town has decided to forgo all Valentines day activities, because despite the fact that he was captured and locked up, Harry promised that if there was ever another Valentines day dance he'd come back and kill everyone.
But you can't stop progress, and gosh darn it the kids want their damn Valentines day dance. Now, when I say kids, I'm talking about a group of twenty somethings who all work in the mines, most of whom are rather strapping. But the film insists on constantly referring to them as kids.
Of course once the dance is announced and the balloons and paper hearts are hung all over town, and I do mean all over town. The set decoration may be a little overdone here. Once that's done, bad things start to happen to the townsfolk, and away we go. The sheriff and the mayor, both of whom look like they've been smoking about 10 years longer than they've been alive, they don't want to scare the town, so they come up with an excuse to cancel the festivities while they try and figure out what's going on. The kids will have none of it however, and they plan their own secret party down at the mines.
As if all of this wasn't enough, we also have a soap opera going on as TJ and Axel, two old friends, are battling for the heart of Sarah. TJ left town sometime back to make it in L.A., what that means I have no idea, but whatever he was trying to do, he failed. When he left he broke Sarahs heart, so she hooked up with Axel. But now TJ is back and he wants his girl. The two men argue over her as if she were couch. Most of her say in the matter is reduced to being manhandled and told how much each guy loves her while she hems and haws and spends most of the damn movie never making a damn decision.
The kills are pretty fun and innovative, I'll give it that much. The setup isn't bad at all either, it's the films rather ponderous third act that really drags it down. A room full of 6'2, 220lb men realize there's a killer on the loose and immediately scatter back into town to get the middle aged, 150lb sheriff. This leaves only TJ and Axel to go down into the mines where some of their friends have decided to go for a little fun. The final chase scene goes on for what feels like forever while trying to build a twist that you see coming from a mile away, even in a dark abandoned mine.
It's not awful, but there are better movies you could choo-choo-choose to be your Valentine.
So 20 years ago there was an accident in the mines and 5 miners got trapped. Only Harry Warden survived, and when he was finally rescued he was eating his co-workers. From there he went on a rampage, apparently upset that the town went on with the Valentines day festivities while he was trapped below the earth eating people for dinner.
Since then the town has decided to forgo all Valentines day activities, because despite the fact that he was captured and locked up, Harry promised that if there was ever another Valentines day dance he'd come back and kill everyone.
But you can't stop progress, and gosh darn it the kids want their damn Valentines day dance. Now, when I say kids, I'm talking about a group of twenty somethings who all work in the mines, most of whom are rather strapping. But the film insists on constantly referring to them as kids.
Of course once the dance is announced and the balloons and paper hearts are hung all over town, and I do mean all over town. The set decoration may be a little overdone here. Once that's done, bad things start to happen to the townsfolk, and away we go. The sheriff and the mayor, both of whom look like they've been smoking about 10 years longer than they've been alive, they don't want to scare the town, so they come up with an excuse to cancel the festivities while they try and figure out what's going on. The kids will have none of it however, and they plan their own secret party down at the mines.
As if all of this wasn't enough, we also have a soap opera going on as TJ and Axel, two old friends, are battling for the heart of Sarah. TJ left town sometime back to make it in L.A., what that means I have no idea, but whatever he was trying to do, he failed. When he left he broke Sarahs heart, so she hooked up with Axel. But now TJ is back and he wants his girl. The two men argue over her as if she were couch. Most of her say in the matter is reduced to being manhandled and told how much each guy loves her while she hems and haws and spends most of the damn movie never making a damn decision.
The kills are pretty fun and innovative, I'll give it that much. The setup isn't bad at all either, it's the films rather ponderous third act that really drags it down. A room full of 6'2, 220lb men realize there's a killer on the loose and immediately scatter back into town to get the middle aged, 150lb sheriff. This leaves only TJ and Axel to go down into the mines where some of their friends have decided to go for a little fun. The final chase scene goes on for what feels like forever while trying to build a twist that you see coming from a mile away, even in a dark abandoned mine.
It's not awful, but there are better movies you could choo-choo-choose to be your Valentine.
2014 Horror Fest: Fields Of The Dead: 36 Out Of 100 Stars
I'll be honest, seeing an opening credit sequence that lists A Film By Daniel Iske, Director Of Photography Daniel Iske, Music By James Iske, Produced By Wendy Iske, gives me pause. It makes me think that Mr. Iske wanted to make a movie, so he got his brother to do the sound and his mom to pay for it. It doesn't exactly give me high hopes for the quality of what I'm about to see. Thankfully it's written by someone not named Iske.
As I anticipated, the budget is low and the acting is...well it's as good as it needs to be. The problem with the whole thing is that every aspect of the movie is only nearly competent. The story is not that engaging, and the majority of the cast is adequate. Thankfully, Melanie Gillis as Cheryl, who has to carry most of the dramatic moments, is good enough to do so. On the other end, Sarah Wald as Ashley, well let's just say she's very pretty. Most attempts at emotion seem to be a major task for this poor girl. Luckily, she's so bad that her performance turns into a bright spot and gives the film a level of unintended humor.
The story is sort of straight forward. Trent is doing his thesis on soil or some shit, and he and a bunch of friends are spending the week on an old farm in the middle of nowhere doing research and collecting soil samples or something. The bad news is that the land was home to an Indian, I mean Native American, slaughter some centuries ago. There's also something about a mother and a son and the son is illegitimate or something, I dunno. The mystery and the back story was a bit verbose and I honestly didn't give nearly as big a shit about it as the writer did.
The look is decent but it's clearly fairly amateurish. There are a few technical mishaps that should never happen, such as when a diary is discovered and some shots show it as handwritten, but then others show that it's clearly typed. This happens more than once.
The action and gore is decent and as good as it needs to be. I'm sensing a theme here. The girls are all attractive and scantily clad but there's no real nudity.
Not engaging enough of a story to overcome it's deficiencies, Fields Of The Dead isn't a horrible movie, but there's no reason to go out of your way to see it. Maybe replant and see if next years crop is any better.
As I anticipated, the budget is low and the acting is...well it's as good as it needs to be. The problem with the whole thing is that every aspect of the movie is only nearly competent. The story is not that engaging, and the majority of the cast is adequate. Thankfully, Melanie Gillis as Cheryl, who has to carry most of the dramatic moments, is good enough to do so. On the other end, Sarah Wald as Ashley, well let's just say she's very pretty. Most attempts at emotion seem to be a major task for this poor girl. Luckily, she's so bad that her performance turns into a bright spot and gives the film a level of unintended humor.
The story is sort of straight forward. Trent is doing his thesis on soil or some shit, and he and a bunch of friends are spending the week on an old farm in the middle of nowhere doing research and collecting soil samples or something. The bad news is that the land was home to an Indian, I mean Native American, slaughter some centuries ago. There's also something about a mother and a son and the son is illegitimate or something, I dunno. The mystery and the back story was a bit verbose and I honestly didn't give nearly as big a shit about it as the writer did.
The look is decent but it's clearly fairly amateurish. There are a few technical mishaps that should never happen, such as when a diary is discovered and some shots show it as handwritten, but then others show that it's clearly typed. This happens more than once.
The action and gore is decent and as good as it needs to be. I'm sensing a theme here. The girls are all attractive and scantily clad but there's no real nudity.
Not engaging enough of a story to overcome it's deficiencies, Fields Of The Dead isn't a horrible movie, but there's no reason to go out of your way to see it. Maybe replant and see if next years crop is any better.
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