Sweet lord! It's hard to make fun of such a retarded movie. I mean that literally. Like, this movie is retarded, and thus I don't want to make fun of it. Going in I thought this was a horror movie. Turns out it's a Skinemax type flick. There is however, a great deal about this film that's horrific.
There obviously exists a world in which movies like this get produced and made, but I really don't want to know anything about that world. It's got to be the saddest place on earth.
Catherine Annette stars as Constance, a television anchor whose stripper sister has just been murdered. She finds out about her sisters murder by reading the news story live on air. The entire news crew consists of her, the guy behind the camera, and a producer. This is supposed to be a major L.A. station by the way. I realize I'm over thinking the shittyness of this, but for Christ sakes man. Constance takes it upon herself to find out what happened by going undercover as a stripper herself. This displeases her producer, the creepy & chubby John. It also displeases her doctor/sponsor/counselor, played by the ghost of Richard Grieco, who has somehow morphed into a more weathered version of Jeff Goldblum.
So Constance starts dancing at the club, which leads to lots of scenes involving the strippers whom I'd be willing to bet are actually more adept at stripping than they are acting. Though to be fair to them, NOBODY in this movie is what I would call competent in the field of acting.
The mystery of who killed Constances sister slowly unfolds in a script that's not even on the level of the worst daytime soap operas. The more and more people get killed, the less and less anyone left alive seems to be bothered by any of it. This includes Tawny Kitaen as the clubs owner, wearing about a pound of makeup for every year since she's been relevant. There's also Constances other sister, who was left brain damaged in some way. It's never really explained, she just sits in a wheel chair in what is supposed to be a hospital room but looks more like the spare bedroom at your Uncles place.
Boobies are all over the place, but just like everything else in the movie they aren't quite the highest caliber of girls. Lots of plastic and a few miles of foundation.
I thought Life Itself was the saddest movie I would watch this year. Turns out I was wrong.
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