From 1981, this Friday The 13th ripoff written by Harvey Weinstein somehow manages to take a camp full of kids, a murderer on the loose and a good amount of naked young women, and bore you to fucking tears.
The story isn't content with not making much sense, but it actually goes out of its way to either not make you give a shit about any of the heroes, or to actively wish death upon them.
We start off five years ago, when Todd and some of his friends are tired of being bullied by the camp groundskeeper, so they decide to try and scare him with a little prank involving a skull and some candles. Shit goes real wrong real quick though, and the poor groundskeeper ends up getting burned to a crisp.
Fast forward to present day and good old Todd is a counselor at another camp across the way from where HE WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR BURNING ANOTHER MAN ALIVE. But fear not, Todd is really a good guy, just going about his life, trying to help the kids through their awkward teenage years.
Among the kids in the camp are Jason Alexander and Fisher Stevens, both of whom put their naked asses proudly on display if that was ever a thing you thought you might want to see. There are a pair of toughs who are always pinning their sweethearts in spots they don't want to be in and borderline raping them. The girls are always like "no, no, no...giggle...giggle". Then there's Alfred, who I think we're supposed to be rooting for, even though he spends most of his time peeping in the girls shower and acting weird as shit, and then moaning about how nobody likes him. He spends most of the movie with a look on his face reminiscent of a 6 year old seeing an airplane for the first time.
So Todd and another counselor are taking the kids on an overnight canoeing trip right near where he burned that dude to a crisp 5 years ago. Then, just because he's a massive cock, he sits the kids down at the campfire and recounts the tale of what happened that night. Of course the kids think it's just a made up story, but everyone watching at home is just like, "what a fucking cock this guy is".
From there we get a slew of unimaginative kills on kids we don't care about. The gore is nothing special at all, and I'm wondering if maybe this isn't supposed to be a camp for visually impaired kids, because the killer is always about a foot away from them and yet they never see the guy. There's a particularly perplexing scene where a bunch of kids are on a makeshift raft in the middle of a river and somehow not a single one of them can avoid getting chopped to pieces.
The climactic scene takes place in what somehow appears to be both ancient ruins, and an old mineshaft, in the middle of the woods. The tension just builds and builds as we watch people run in circles and peer around corners for what feels like forever. Mercifully it ends in a whirlwind of 'action' and flashbacks that are hard to tell apart, and certainly unneeded.
The story is lame enough, even if the main characters weren't dull dickheads. But then you layer on the complete lack of atmosphere and the redundant kills and all you're left with are a few pair of pretty bouncing boobies. There are apparently some folks, a large number in fact, who consider this a classic. They're idiots.
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