Had this one in the leftover pile from last year and had no idea what it was going in. Hah, turns out it's a film starring Scott Valentine from Family Ties, likely in the 7th of his 5 minutes, back in the late 80's. Holy crap, Melissa Leo is in this as well.
Ok, so right away I'm not sure what I'm watching. I think it's a comedy but it also might just be bad. It's a collection of horror stories set up by an Uncle telling his nephew stories at bedtime. Now there is no horror setup, the kid just wants a story told to him, so it seems kind of bizarre the Uncle would just start telling him some fucked up shit, but anyway. I should also mention that the opening credits are interminable, and an 80's hard rock song plays over them that again, I can't tell whether it's comedic or just bad.
The first tale features Scott Valentine as the adopted child of two witches. Valentine looks about 20 here, btw. Problem is, I didn't even realize it was Valentine till about 10 minutes into the scene since it's shot so horrendously. Jesus. The dialog plays as kids comedy but there's some bondage stuff, a dismembered priest and Scotts bare ass on display in all it's glory in a scene in which the witches bath him. Yes. This is wonderfully atrocious.
I've seen underground porn from the 70's shot outdoors at night that had better lighting than this.
So Scott is forced to capture a busty wench so his mothers can sacrifice her, which of course brings up a big moral dilemma.
Lots of close up reaction shots that highlight the acting abilities of Mr. Valentine. He's grossed out, he's worried, he's anxious. A few shots feature he and the wench in the background and I'm not sure they even realize the camera is rolling.
Oh dear. Scott and the wench are on the run and decide to stop in a cave. At which point a being in a robe shows up and Scott calmly asks "excuse me sir, do you know the way out here?" A way out of the cave they've been in for 3 seconds. The wench is thrown against the wall of the cave and the Styrofoam almost collapses. Marvelous. Ok, so the person following them is the resurrected dead sister and despite Scott pulling her heart out, the battle is not over, oh no. The heart attaches itself to his face, causing him to scream loudly and hysterically as if his nuts are being ripped out. Music blares, Scott screams, the scene builds to.......the girl grabs the heart, throws it against the wall and they both walk out like they're on a Sunday stroll. All this happens over the course of about 5 seconds.
The two kiss in a clearing as the first vignette comes to an end.
Where to start? This story looks like it was shot as a comedy, drama, horror movie and bondage porno, and then using random selection was spliced together with various scenes from all 4. The acting, camera work, lighting, all the technical shit are horrid. I think Scott was horrid too but I'm not sure Oliver could have gotten anything out of this.
Back to the kid and his Uncle. The kid is complaining that the story had a sucky ending. I'd think the 7 year old might be more interested in what S&M means, but perhaps I'm over thinking this.
The kid is so scared that he asks for another story, he wants to hear about Little Red Riding Hood. The Uncle is mad because he's missing the Miss Nude Bayone contest on Cablevision, ok, that was a great line.
As we lead into the next story, the Uncle explains that Little Red Riding Hood is a big breasted, high school cheerleader. Well then, maybe business is picking up here.
WTF WTF WTF. Some synth/jazz number, last seen in A Christy Canyon film, plays as the girl stands in her bra and panties and rubs her stomach while watching herself in the mirror. Her reflection is joined by a Princely looking gent who pulls her panties down slightly and licks her hip. This is now an 80's softcore film. I think they're just spinning a wheel. Her daydream is interrupted and in a bizarre cut away, we see that it was actually her dog licking her. What In The Holy Fuck.
So much awesome in this second vignette. The girl goes to the drug store for her grandmother and runs into a man who's buying sleeping pills. Their order gets mixed up and we learn that the poor guy needs to get to sleep before the full moon. Meanwhile the girl has been whisked off to the woods by her boyfriend so he can take her virginity in a storage shed on an air mattress. We switch between the couple and the werewolf, the couple getting smooth romantic music while the werewolf gets heavy jazz as he starts to morph. So great. The boyfriend puts his hand up the girls shirt and it looks like he's grabbing cans of soup off of the top shelf. Wolf dude looks like he's having an orgasm in the middle of a Herbie Hancock song and rips off his skinny tie.
Ahh geez, we almost see the boyfriends schlong as it veers back into porno territory. The werewolf has transformed, and apparently the director of this movie thinks werewolves look like David Brenner on no sleep. We get an action scene that features all the intensity of knitting. This really is funny, in a good way. The kid still can't sleep, despite being told a bed time story about a cheerleader losing her virginity and having to kill a wolfman, imagine that.
The 3rd story is a telling of Goldilocks And The Three Bears. The Bears are a father, mother and a mentally deficient son whom they've just broken out of an insane asylum. This one is played for pure comedy and it hits it out of the park. The family decides to hide out in their old house in Amityville. Unfortunately that dilapidated building is being inhabited by a cute little thing named Goldilocks who has telekinetic powers and likes to kill all her suitors and keep their corpses around the house. Yeah, you read that right.
Jeez this vignette is awesome. Borrowing some from Kentucky Fried Movie, Early SNL and even Benny Hill, this story is played for pure comedy and it works very nicely.
A pleasant surprise, this mix of comedy, good and bad, intended and unintended is a nice little diddy to fire up on an Autumn eve when you're looking for a good laugh or two.
No comments:
Post a Comment